Partner is hesitant about marriage

[Caiti93]

So my partner and I have been together for 7.5 years. We have a 3yo and a 1yo together and have lived together for 5 years. We’ve spoken about getting married before and he’s always said he wants to one day in the future as a celebration of our love, not a promise now that we may end up breaking. I was fine with not getting married, until we had our second child. Both kids have his name because it was just what we did and I didn’t mind as I assumed we’d be married one day.

I’m Australian and was in the UK on an ancestry visa when we met. He’s a British citizen, so are both our boys by descent. We moved to Aus 4 years ago to have kids but it’s not worked out for his career so we are planning to move back to the UK as he is the sole earner while I’m at home with the kids while they’re young. I will get the ancestry visa again as it’s more straightforward than a spousal visa.

However, the other day I realised that whilst on this visa I will have no access to public funds. This was fine whilst I was there before because I could work full time, but now I’m not working it worries me. When I do end up working again it’ll be part time around kids and I’ll have had a chunk out of my career so my earning potential will be lower. I don’t have a degree and am already 3 years out of the workforce.

Anyway, I approached him and said how if we move over and I’m on a visa and anything happens - he dies, we split, gets sick, anything - then I’m kinda screwed. I’m not protected. We love each other and of course I want that to be our reason, but I also need some legal protection. For 5-6 years I’ll be reliant on him with no access to public funds or any family help as all my family is in Aus.

He agreed and said when we get to the UK we can start thinking about it as he does want to marry but not yet and his reasoning is because he doesn’t want to do what people tell him he should be doing and he doesn’t want the fuss of a big day and it’s all stupid bureaucratic bullshit.

So now I’m a bit unsure. If I go ahead with the visa and move I am just hoping that he doesn’t change his mind, or else I’m stuck there. If I tell him I won’t leave the country because I have more protection and support here, then I feel like I’m trapping him here. It’s the most unromantic way I ever wanted this to happen. I want to share my kids name and I want legal and financial protections should anything go wrong while I’m living in a foreign country.

I don’t know what to do. We can elope and do the legal stuff quickly and delay our trip by maybe a month, then do a celebration in the future if we want to. But he feels rushed and like it’s all too much as I (note I, not he) am doing passports and all the other paperwork and packing and visa etc for the move. To me it’s just one extra thing, but he brushed me off when I suggested doing it sooner (I have to renew my passport in 12 months anyway so it makes sense to me to just do everything in Aus now before we move because doing it later will be a faff and more money).

Anyway, sorry for the super long post. I’m a bit lost and I feel I can’t talk to anyone about this. I’m worried I’m being unreasonable and asking too much, but also that I’d be stupid for entering a risky visa situation.

Well done OP.

He's got the choice to step up and stop being such a bloody man-child, and you get a better and more equal partnership from it. Or he carries on as he is, in which case you've dodged a bullet and can make plans for how you want to move forward.

You get a good outcome from this either way.

He may well be just saying it to keep you sweet until he can work things back to his advantage. So you have to keep pushing for what's in your interests OP, hopefully he realises he's better off with you on his side & that if he wants you on his side he has to treat you well.

The type of visa doesn't make a difference. Firstly, a partner visa is "no access to public funds" as a standard condition, similar to the ancestry visa. Secondly, there is no such thing as a "spouse visa" depending on marriage either - it's a partner visa under the Immigration Rules Appendix FM and is the same visa with the same conditions whether you are a spouse, civil partner, or partner as the OP is. So marriage makes no difference at all to the immigration position. Even if married, it's simpler and faster for OP to use an ancestry visa, fewer conditions to the application.
If OP has an ancestry visa her immigration status wouldn't be affected if the relationship ended. She'd be unable to access public funds unless she made a specific application to lift the "no recourse to public funds" condition, which is tough to do. But her immigration status in itself wouldn't be affected if the relationship ended.
Marriage makes a significant difference not to the immigration position but to the family law position. If a couple split up, the non-resident parent would be obliged to pay child support in the same way whether or not the parents were married. But the division of their assets, including savings, pensions and any house, and on-going spousal maintenance only applies to divorce, not to separation of non-married parents. This is the crucial bit.
OP, I think you'd be very unwise to move to the UK without being married.

an excellent update @Caiti93

you have his measure, continue to empower yourself.

You mentioned in an earlier post that "I’ve been called a nag"

Have a wee read of this

"By using the derogatory term “nag,” a man trivializes the woman’s request and at the same time puts her in her place.

In other words, it’s a double-edged power play.

It saves him actually having to do anything in response to her request until he’s good and ready, if at all."

Hope you are feeling well rested, by the time you read this, but more importantly @Caiti93 you are feeling more optimistic and in better control of your life and that of your children.
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Good luck lovely, we are all willing you the very best for your future. 🌻

Glad to hear your update OP. All the best for 2025

Do not move until you are married - end of.

@Caiti93 the most important feature of any move to another country is not whether the op is married or not. It’s the risk that she loses her kids. That is the worst possible outcome. And even if she can manage to get a job that keeps them financially, if she wants to go back to her home country she can’t unless he agrees. Or if they grow up in the UK and come to regard it as ‘home’ then the op is destined to have to live here if she wants to see much of them. Stay in Australia op! He is not a keeper.

So pleased to see your update. Well done @Caiti93

Good for you putting the breaks on the move OP.

I did just want to reiterate though that here in Australia women do have protections in de facto relationships. I'm horrified by what I read on Mumsnet about women in the UK who have no rights to family assets when their relationships break down, especially when they have been SAHMs. There seems to be no recognition of the huge contribution they have made.

But the moving kids between countries is an issue world wide. And even if married, it sounds like you'd lose out in the UK.

Hi OP, I was you but both British in Australia.

Do NOT come.back to UK with no access to your own money to be a full time parent.

If he refuses to marry, stay in Australia. I didn't do this and I will be playing financial catch up for the rest of my life.

Reader, we didn't marry, but returned to UK, later split and HE took our £1m London house and I got nothing, despite fighting and legal advice and going to court and all the rest of it. Well, I tell a lie, I got £30K.

You just have no protection in UK if not married. We also had 2 kids and together 20 years. It's appalling. Get married or stay there.

I just don’t understand how this is legal 😔🤬😣🤬

The Law is an Ass

OP, in case you need just one more voice to add to the chorus of all these sensible and experienced women: please do not leave Australia.

This man has been future-faking for years. You have a right to security, and he knows he’s cheating you of it. You don’t need a selfish and irresponsible man in your or DC’s lives. If you split up in England he could stop you taking the children back to Australia.

Not true

To be fair, the issue of marriage and assets is a difficult one.

When countries give "common law" marriages the same status as actual marriages, this can create other issues to do with relationship fraud. Someone (often younger and savvy) targets someone with assets such a property, pension, savings, investments (often a bit older and emotionally vulnerable), moves in, starts to get unpleasant and controlling and act like a cheeky fucker - when the person with assets finds their backbone and tells them the relationship is over and please clear off now, the other person can basically turn around and say "We've been living together for long enough that I'm now entitled to a share of your assets."

I personally think that the decision to pool assets should be a free choice by two individuals, not a decision the state makes for you. But I wish women were better informed about the risks of slipping into the "wife" role without being married. Threads like this help. We need a broader public discussion and more awareness.

None of that link is relevant to someone on an ancestry visa so I’m not sure why you’ve posted it?

I already explained in an earlier reply to you about the nhs surcharge as part of visas like this. Which means they are entitled to use the nhs as normal.

I guess because people have the choice to get married so that they are protected by the law. If you’re not married then you need to draw up paperwork to show who owns what etc

When applying for an ancestry visa (and any long term visa as far as I’m aware) you are required to pay what they call an immigration health surcharge. At the moment that’s about £1k per year of your visa. This entitles your to use the NHS. I used the NHS when I was there before. Public funds relates to UC, free childcare, maybe even jobseeker, and a bunch of other stuff.

Exactly. And it’s been that way for years now.

i explained that to that poster on another comment and they chose to ignore it and post a link which had nothing to do with it 🤦🏼‍♀️

Incorrect information here. "Public funds" has a specific meaning in law, and DOES NOT include things such as primary and secondary education and the NHS. A person with a spouse visa (or ancestry visa) which is stamped "no access to public funds" is able to use the NHS, and all children of school age are entitled to education, and neither of these is "public funds".

A person not lawfully present in the UK, or here on a visitor's visa (for example) isn't entitled to most NHS care, but that's a separate provision from public funds. It is set out in (long) detail in the Immigration Rules paragraph 6.2 definitions section under the heading "“Public funds” means...." with sub-paragraphs (a) to (s).
www.gov.uk/guidance/immigration-rules/immigration-rules-introduction#intro6

I would not come to UK unless I was married. If you split up you will not be able to take your kids back to Australia ... married or not but you will be protected financially.

I'd be careful OP. Sounds like he wants to quit his job and be SAHD. Just after I imagine you've done all the hard graft of the first years. He doesn't sounds like great SAHD material. He sounds like gaming all day, you come home to a mess, material. If you both work then do what you suggested and share child care.