I was raped and my husband blames me

[Sadconfusedlonely]

My husband and I had a huge argument, he walked out and left me. I went to a friend's house for drinks then we went into town.

I was in Manchester and not from the area. I lost my friend and was very very drunk. I stupidly went with a man to what I thought was a party but turned put to just be his university room.

I should have left but he told me that his housemates wouldn't be long. We never kissed we never flirted he told me he was gay.

We were just talking sat on his bed I never felt threatened at all but then I felt woozy and lay down, I thought he was asleep next to me. It wa a big bed we weren't touching.

Next thing I woke up to him having sex with me, it was pitch black but I was definitely asleep. I froze. I panicked. I don't know why I didn't stop him but I was just paralysed. He definitely didn't know I woke up. I lay there utterly shocked and disgusted until it went light then got out to safety.

I did not consent. I did not want to sleep with him. He didn't act interested at all we had no physical contact yp until that point.

I called the police the next day from my sisters house. The case is ongoing.

My husband said it is all my fault. He won't sleep next to me he made me reimclact it and called me a slag and a whore. He said I let him f*ck me and I wanted it. He said I deserved it and I am a cheat.

AIBU for wanting him to support me?

@Sadconfusedlonely Good, tell your sister. Surely you know that's a correct barometer of how he's treated you if she won't speak to him again.

Sorry that was in response to a disgusting post but it didn’t quote for some reason.

@Sadconfusedlonely please talk to your sister, it doesn't matter what she decides about your husband, you need a loving person at your back and right now that isn't him is it?

I agree with this OP. You need some proper real life support and you need to get away from your husband as fast as humanly possible. He is trying to manipulate you in to believing this is all your fault! It’s absolutely disgusting behaviour on his part

@Sadconfusedlonely

There are some absolute fucking weirdos on here tonight OP, just ignore them

The post you quoted was deleted. I think there is a fair bit of sock puppeting going on on this thread. Sadly, some of the disgusting posts are real but the most vile ones I do believe are the same person.

Someone who is either a rapist themselves or some sick fuck who gets off on causing women pain. Either way, it's best to report and ignore so we don't allow the sick fuck to derail the thread.

I love my husband. I'm lost and hurt. How can I make this right.

I honestly don’t think you can make it right, because it’s not your wrong to make right. Your husband is being abusive to you, I don’t think there’s a way back from that. Think about why your sister would never speak to him again. Is that because you’ve behaved badly or because she would recognise his behaviour for what it is?

For some reason, when I quoted one of the victim blaming posts to call them out on their disgusting attitude, that was also deleted 😒

To be honest I think if Mumsnet are going to delete any post who even doesn't 100% back the OP then they should just delete the whole thread. This is an AIBU after all.

Probably because it had already been removed. I tried to report it and was directed to one of those generic pages you get when something isn't there anymore. MNHQ are being pretty proactive with this thread and rightly so.

@Sadconfusedlonely I was raped in extremely similar circumstances, I couldn’t not reply once I saw your post I couldn’t not reply. I am so very sorry this happened to you, it is in no way your fault 💐 you are also very brave for reporting, I really wish I had reported mine.

It took me longer that it should have done to lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of my rapist, one of the reasons it took so long was because of the amount of people who defended the actions of my rapist!!! It’s disgusting, it really is. I had comments like perhaps he got the wrong idea, perhaps you said yes and don’t remember, he didn’t mean to do it. So many many excuses for him and his horrible behaviour, and not a thought to me, me who had been violated. It made me feel like perhaps I was wrong or somehow at fault, but I know now that I wasn’t. I hope you know that the same is true for you, it really really isn’t your fault.

I am so sorry for your husband’s terrible behaviour, the comments from my friends were very hurtful to me too (in many ways more so than the rape itself) I can’t imagine how much more they must hurt coming from your husband.

If it helps to know the circumstances of mine I will share: company conference (big national company) dinner, drinks and hotel provided for all the staff. I was sharing a room with my friend (female) I felt unwell, I just assumed I had 1 wine too many, female friend escorted me to the room we were sharing and I promptly fell asleep on the bed. I guess she must have invited people into the room and then at some point later left. I woke up to a complete stranger raping me. Like you I completely froze and did nothing other than wait for him to finish. Once he was done he started chatting to me as though all was fucking normal, I don’t remember my responses but I know I left the room quickly. It was still the very early hours 3/4am and I could do nothing but sit it the hotel lobby, I had no idea where my friend had gone, why she left me or indeed invited these people into our room. It later transpired that the man who raped me also worked for our company and just so happened to be driving our team back to branch. 4 insufferable hours I had to spend next to him in a car on the way back. I said nothing the whole entire time, the bastard tried to fucking hug me when we finally reached our destination. I used to kick myself all the time for never saying anything, for sitting in the car all that time still never saying anything, I was so angry at myself!!

That happened to me over 25 years ago now, it’s taken me a long time to come to terms with it, I didn’t get support, I didn’t reach out for help. I hope that you do reach out for support, you will need it OP especially given your husband’s shocking lack of support to you. You don’t deserve this treatment, you didn’t ask to be raped, you didn’t want to be raped, none of this is your fault!!! The circumstances really don’t matter because no woman should ever be raped, we should “should” be safe, but sadly we are not.

Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk 💐

They are deleting victim blaming posts. Rightly so too.

It's not. It's been moved to relationships.

Hopefully that’ll remove all the victim blaming nonsense!

@ThejoyofNC

Regardless of whether the thread is in AIBU or Relationships, victim blaming replies SHOULD be deleted.

Oh well. They completely control all narratives on this platform anyway, that's becoming more and more obvious.

Not all threads, however I think for obvious reasons MNHQ keeping an eye on this one is the right thing to do.

I'd agree except there are no shades of grey here to discuss. OP passed out, an unconscious person cannot give consent. It is a physical impossibility.

A person drunk enough to pass out legally cannot give consent.

The rest is neither here nor there.

OP was raped and her vile husband is abusing her when she is at her most vulnerable.

If it's relationships, and the title is about the husband, then it is possible to comment on his behaviour in the context of the argument that separated them that night, and the idea that there was already a lack of trust / suspicion of cheating, without that meaning 'victim blaming'.

Obviously he shouldn't be treating OP as he is now, and it would be good to think that our loved ones will always believe and support us, but if they think you're likely to cheat and lie about it, they're not your support.

When I tagged @MNHQ earlier, I thought this would get out of hand.

This feels like a fetish troll with the latest update from OP. It's a frother which is what they usually want.

@Sadconfusedlonely sweetheart, there's nothing for you to put right. Your h's self-pity, abusive name-calling, the way he's forcing you to reenact a horrible experience, his frankly purient dwelling on the event as if he's the injured party, are all about him and his weak character. You can't do anything about that and nor should you. Can you talk to your sister and get her support? The implications re their future interactions aren't your problem. Once she hears what you have to tell her, I'd be surprised if she's interested in anything beyond looking after and supporting you.

Good job you're not a mod.

Report instead of saying it. Really cruel if untrue.

Are you calling me out and saying I am lying? I came here for support and advice. What the hell do you mean fetish troll?

You need to be that angry in your response to your husband, never mind trying to put things right for him.