I was raped and my husband blames me

[Sadconfusedlonely]

My husband and I had a huge argument, he walked out and left me. I went to a friend's house for drinks then we went into town.

I was in Manchester and not from the area. I lost my friend and was very very drunk. I stupidly went with a man to what I thought was a party but turned put to just be his university room.

I should have left but he told me that his housemates wouldn't be long. We never kissed we never flirted he told me he was gay.

We were just talking sat on his bed I never felt threatened at all but then I felt woozy and lay down, I thought he was asleep next to me. It wa a big bed we weren't touching.

Next thing I woke up to him having sex with me, it was pitch black but I was definitely asleep. I froze. I panicked. I don't know why I didn't stop him but I was just paralysed. He definitely didn't know I woke up. I lay there utterly shocked and disgusted until it went light then got out to safety.

I did not consent. I did not want to sleep with him. He didn't act interested at all we had no physical contact yp until that point.

I called the police the next day from my sisters house. The case is ongoing.

My husband said it is all my fault. He won't sleep next to me he made me reimclact it and called me a slag and a whore. He said I let him f*ck me and I wanted it. He said I deserved it and I am a cheat.

AIBU for wanting him to support me?

Why would anyone who isn't a total wanker ask this?

This is hideously abusive. Your husband is a piece of shit.

OP, do you have anyone irl you trust enough to look after you at the moment? And are you able to contact a crisis centre for some counselling? X

Oh fuck off with your judgy cuntiness.

@mnhq please can we sort this thread out.

There is so much nasty victim blaming on here which could lead to a very vulnerable woman increased distress and trauma.

OP, your husband's reaction is utterly disgusting. How can he treat you like that after you were raped? Husband has shown his true colours...

Btw, it sounds as if you were drugged. What do you think?

It's not your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I know you feel how you feel and you'll need to work through that in therapy but remember it's not your fault. He raped you. You did not consent. You cannot consent when you are unconscious. Your response to freeze is a normal response. It's fight, flight or freeze. Again, this is not your fault.

I would advise you to go to a Rape Crisis Centre.
I wonder if you have your clothes from the evening the assault took place?. You are not to blame for what happened. You will need support in the future I would suggest counselling. There is one person to blame and it’s not you. I would be inclined to ask Rape Crisis to support you report what has happened. They should have people called ISVAS that support you when going to the Police. If you have the clothes from the evening they can be used for DNA.

This is not your fault, OP, and I'm so sorry it's happened to you. The fault and the shame lie squarely with the man who chose to commit sexual violence and the man who chose to disbelieve and further traumatise his wife.

@Sadconfusedlonely can you speak to your sister? Do you have somewhere safe you could go to get away from your husband? He’s an absolute weapon and you deserve so much better.

If a female relative recounted something like this to me it would lead me to violence.

You need to confront your husband, he either believes you or he doesn't. If he doesn't then you can't stay with him. You need support not accusations after what you've been through. Getting drunk and trusting a stranger is foolish only, you do not deserve to be raped. If he doesn't truly understand that, then go x

@Sadconfusedlonely - this is not your fault. I think your marriage is also over. Your husband has made himself the victim in your rape and he has been horribly abusive. Please speak to someone who can help you with this.

Thank you I feel very alone I can't tell friends and family about this I'm ashamed

You have nothing to be ashamed of. The shame fully belongs to the man who deceived you and raped you, and the man who is forcing you to retell your trauma. You deserve care, compassion and love - give that shame back to the people it belongs to and tell someone who will show you love.

Wtf are some of these comments. OP I could have been you, I was in an unhappy marriage and put myself in some situations that could have turned bad through drink when I was vulnerable. You don't deserve any of this,you were just unlucky to have been taken advantage of by a rapist, no one should rape anyone full stop. Go to therapy, lean on family/friends you can trust. You will heal from this and you will move on.

Reported your message. You should be ashamed of yourself. Obviously it wasn't a good idea. Did not mean she merited to ve fucking raped though! This could be your daughter/sister/mother.

OP, some of the responses here are unbelievable. Women should be able to sit on a man's bed and have a chat without him raping her, for God's sake! And he told her he was gay, too! Manipulative piece of criminal shit. I'm so glad OP called the police.

It wasn't your fault. A predator found you when you were vulnerable, it's what they do.

It's not your fault.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Go to your sister if you can. Making a victim reenact an attack is abhorrent behaviour.

I would personally divorce my husband if he went on a night out and went back to a women he had never met house on his own. Regardless if something happened or not.

OP It is not your fault you were raped, you did not deserve it and there is nothing you could have done to stop it- freezing is a normal reaction. Your husband is hurting from your actions and lashing out.

Your husband is a piece of shit.

I hope he's not your husband much longer.

Go and stay with your sister if you can. You need some space to process with you’re going through. The police should have also given you some numbers to call - try contacting them first thing tomorrow morning.

This is categorically not your shame. It is the rapist's shame. It is your husband's shame.

Your husband is disgusting. You need to leave him.

This isn’t your fault. The only person to blame for rape is the rapist.

Also I would suggest you make steps to leave your H. Making you re-enact a traumatic event is abuse. Can you go and stay with family or a close friend?