I was raped and my husband blames me

[Sadconfusedlonely]

My husband and I had a huge argument, he walked out and left me. I went to a friend's house for drinks then we went into town.

I was in Manchester and not from the area. I lost my friend and was very very drunk. I stupidly went with a man to what I thought was a party but turned put to just be his university room.

I should have left but he told me that his housemates wouldn't be long. We never kissed we never flirted he told me he was gay.

We were just talking sat on his bed I never felt threatened at all but then I felt woozy and lay down, I thought he was asleep next to me. It wa a big bed we weren't touching.

Next thing I woke up to him having sex with me, it was pitch black but I was definitely asleep. I froze. I panicked. I don't know why I didn't stop him but I was just paralysed. He definitely didn't know I woke up. I lay there utterly shocked and disgusted until it went light then got out to safety.

I did not consent. I did not want to sleep with him. He didn't act interested at all we had no physical contact yp until that point.

I called the police the next day from my sisters house. The case is ongoing.

My husband said it is all my fault. He won't sleep next to me he made me reimclact it and called me a slag and a whore. He said I let him f*ck me and I wanted it. He said I deserved it and I am a cheat.

AIBU for wanting him to support me?

Yes over and over the next day he made me reenact it with him. I was crying and telling him I didn't want to he kept bombarding me with questions and asking me all sorts about the size of his penis, if I was w*t etc it has just added to the trauma so much. I know I shouldn't have been with another guy but I didn't deserve this surely - he said I let it happen. I didn't. It repulses me.

Some of the posts on here are utterly disgusting.

There is no one at fault here except the rapist and the man who was supposed to protect his wife but when the worst thing happens to her calls her a slag and whore.

I am not going to derail this thread any further, but their comments were disgusting, and they are victim blaming, even if indirectly.
imagine how you’d feel reading that?

He’s abusive and you must leave him.

This is truly horrifying, I have tears in my eyes. It sounds like your H is getting off on your trauma. Leave now, he is an abusive POS and you deserve better.

Yes over and over the next day he made me reenact it with him. I was crying and telling him I didn't want to he kept bombarding me with questions and asking me all sorts about the size of his penis, if I was w*t etc it has just added to the trauma so much.

He asked me where.my arms and legs where and this was lime an interrogation for houst and some of my answers didn't fit previous ones because I was so stressed he said I was lying. I promise I'm not.

I know I shouldn't have been with another guy but I didn't deserve this surely - he said I let it happen. I didn't. It repulses me.

😮

Sweetheart, I’m so sorry, you don’t and didn’t deserve this.
An awful thing happened to you, and the person that’s meant to be there for you, to support you wasn’t, he’s made it so much worse.
You aren’t at fault , in any way.

any man who does not support a partner thru sexual abuse past or present is not worth bothering around. he walked out on you you were upset but this man was wrong for what he did I hope you have reported it Rape Crisis are brilliant and victim support please ring them

saying things that can easily be interpreted as yeah ok it's not your fault he raped you ... but .... he wouldn't have if you hadn't gone back to his house.. so I can see where your husband is coming from...

is still victim blaming. It's nasty and it's sly. It's saying the right things with a nasty little 'but' slipped in there. It's wrong. You can't say it's not her fault then slip in reasons why you actually think it's her fault. It wouldn't have happened if.. It's not your fault, but..

It's not her fault. Full stop.

It's not your fault, OP.

It's just not.

This is truly awful, I'm so sorry OP 😔

The only people to blame for rape are rapists and their apologists. Regardless of who you were with, what you drank, how familiar you were with the area, etc, none of it was your fault. I'd be having a good long look at that husband of yours if his first instinct is to blame the victim of a crime rather than its perpetrator.

YABU if you continue to remain married to this man.

I am also so sorry this happened to you. It is not unusual for a victim to freeze in such a situation.

Can you stay with your sister? Your husband is a massive cunt.

do you have anywhere to go, OP? What your husband is doing is disgusting. Is there anyone you could stay with?

Thank you I feel very alone I can't tell friends and family about this I'm ashamed

Please don't feel ashamed.

Is a man in this situation likely to be frozen in fear?

@mnhq might want to monitor this one.

He woke up and she was giving him a blowjob. He didnt try to stop her and left when it was light.

You've clearly never heard of a freeze response to trauma - a wholly natural, instinctive survival response and one that is very very common in women who have been raped. She thought she was going to a party, not his flat on her own, her feeling woozy may have been alcohol but is suggestive of being spiked, she was unconscious and unable to give consent. She froze when she realised he was raping her.

@Sadconfusedlonely you didn’t deserve to be raped, you don’t deserve your husbands abusive response. I hope you have real life support with all of this. If I were you my marriage would be over.

Except she said the man told her he was gay. So know - going back to wait with a man you think is gay does not imply any interest.

Have you followed the Pelicot trial? Gisèle decided to let the court be open to everyone because she refused to be left with the shame of being a victim. You are a victim. The shame is for your rapist and also for your husband who is not supporting and victim blaming. You need to get away from him asap. His behaviour is abusive and harmful. Please seek help.

The circumstances do not matter. She did not consent. End of. If she did not consent, it is rape.

Angry she was in the company of a man who she believed to be gay?