I was raped and my husband blames me

[Sadconfusedlonely]

My husband and I had a huge argument, he walked out and left me. I went to a friend's house for drinks then we went into town.

I was in Manchester and not from the area. I lost my friend and was very very drunk. I stupidly went with a man to what I thought was a party but turned put to just be his university room.

I should have left but he told me that his housemates wouldn't be long. We never kissed we never flirted he told me he was gay.

We were just talking sat on his bed I never felt threatened at all but then I felt woozy and lay down, I thought he was asleep next to me. It wa a big bed we weren't touching.

Next thing I woke up to him having sex with me, it was pitch black but I was definitely asleep. I froze. I panicked. I don't know why I didn't stop him but I was just paralysed. He definitely didn't know I woke up. I lay there utterly shocked and disgusted until it went light then got out to safety.

I did not consent. I did not want to sleep with him. He didn't act interested at all we had no physical contact yp until that point.

I called the police the next day from my sisters house. The case is ongoing.

My husband said it is all my fault. He won't sleep next to me he made me reimclact it and called me a slag and a whore. He said I let him f*ck me and I wanted it. He said I deserved it and I am a cheat.

AIBU for wanting him to support me?

reported

The shame isn't yours.

The only shame here is on the man who raped you and the man who is not emotionally abusing you off the back of your trauma.

Get out, OP.

noone who is rape derves it or asks for it your husban is just as isgusting as the rapist

please tell your family or friend

@Sadconfusedlonely Do not be ashamed. The shame is the perpetrator's. Not yours. You were vulnerable.

She hasn't done anything wrong. She was drunk and vulnerable

AIBU for wanting him to support me?

Well, no.

I think this is, in all honestly, a LTB situation.

I would also try to get away from your husband, anyone that would use sexual assault against you is not someone that will help with the ramifications of the situation.

You would divorce your husband if, after you argued, he got lost and met a woman, who apparently was a lesbian, who invited him to a house party and he went?

She was drunk, thought she was going back to a party with someone who told her he was gay (no doubt so she would lower her defences because she thought he was safe), there’s also the possibility he spiked her drink. I think looking at the whole circumstance shows a different picture to simply “she went back to a guys flat”.

Your husband is hurting from your actions and lashing out.

Oh fuck off

This. I don’t get the holier than thou attitudes. She went to a party with a gay guy. So she thought.

How that makes her the bad person is weird to me.

She thought she was going to a party with a gay guy.

Her husband is making it all about him. His wife was raped, who gives a fuck about his feelings right now? It should be all about supporting her.

Not to mention he was an arsehole for leaving his wife drunk and alone in a city she doesn’t know.

I send you hugs and understanding. Please get as much support as possible from ppl who actually care for you and professionals.

Please leave your partner you have enough to cope with. He is obviously insecure and self centred. Ask anyone and everyone for help general councillors are not qualified often in rape, psychologist may help but you may have to pay privately.
The legal process is long and difficult, stay strong.💕

I can see what you mean here.

This isn’t victim blaming, this is looking into why OPs partner might be going nuts.

If my DP had left after an argument, gone and got so drunk he didn’t know what he was doing, chose to go to a random apartment with a random woman and layed down on her bed - I would be absolutely livid with him.

Had I found out he was then sexually assaulted I don’t even know how I would go about dealing with that. It doesn’t cancel out all of the above.

I’m very sorry this awful thing has happened. I think spending time apart would be a good idea to let you both process this separately and not hurt each other any more.

Jeez, what a total shit. There's no words 💐

Feel like I’ve stepped back in time reading some of the victim blaming bs on this thread.

@Sadconfusedlonely you have nothing to be ashamed of. Please tell family members get some support and get away from your nasty abusive husband.

It’s fucking unbelievable isn’t it.
Vile, despicable people

What I found absolutely insane is that your big baby of a husband, puts his bruised ego above you.
And somehow, its possible he doesn't even believe you.

Yanbu for wanting support of courwe, but sadly, yabu for expecting a man to provide it.

So sorry OP.

My concern for my partner would cancel it out frankly.

It's totally not your fault someone preyed on you like this, and your husband is awful for making you reenact it.

It seems he doesn't believe you and thinks this is a sleeping with another person after storming off scenario, breaking his trust, which obviously isn't the serious crime that's been committed - against you.

Because your post is about your husband, posters are commenting on what he might be thinking and why. They're discussing your actions causing his mistrust of you generally, but none of them create fault for what happened to you.

I don't think I could stay with someone who thought I'd claim rape to cover infidelity, or force me to go over it (to convince him? Prove something?).

Get some real support from Rape Crisis and friends. Your husband isn't going to help you deal with this.

@Sadconfusedlonely you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Something very similar happened to my DD when she was young, even to the point the rapist lied to her about being gay.

She reached out to her friends and asked for support.

I won't lie to you and tell you every single one of them supported her 100%. That's not what happened. As you can see from this thread a lot of women have been socially conditioned to believe a woman can somehow be responsible for rapist's crimes and a lot of men have been socially conditioned to believe that a woman paying them attention gives them an automatic right to that woman's body. A lot of people have never been taught that legally and morally, consent must be given freely and enthusiastically and that the person giving consent must be sober enough to do so or that the absence of a "no" does not mean yes.

DD lost a few friends who blamed her but the overwhelming majority of people she told were supportive and helped her through it. Reach out for help. Ditch the few who show you they are still living in the 1800s and lean on the ones who support you unconditionally.

Really? You'd be completely fine with your husband getting drunk, going home with a strange woman's, and getting into her bed? Totally normal behavior from a married person?
I'd be incredibly angry at my husband. I'd possibly end the relationship over that kind of behavior. Her husband had every right to be mad at OPs choices.

None of that means OP deserved to be raped. No one that means OP is responsible for being raped.

There are two separate issues here. She did betray her husband with her behavior. He's angry. He's also probably having trouble actually believing her because her actions leading up to the assault are of someone planning to cheat. He isn't capable of offering support right now.

OP thought she was going to a party with a gay guy. She didn’t know she was going to his place.

I also got the impression that OP was already very drunk before her husband decided to abandon her in the middle of an unfamiliar city.

If my DP had left after an argument, gone and got so drunk he didn’t know what he was doing, chose to go to a random apartment with a random woman and layed down on her bed - I would be absolutely livid with him.

Theres plenty of time to explore him leaving her after an argument, her going out with a friend, getting drunk and going to what she thought was a party with a gay guy.

Right now though surely the priority is that she was raped, his first thought should be her safety and care for her, not his hurty man feelings. I’m sure the OP blames herself enough (unreasonably) without others pointing out where they think she went wrong.

OP this is awful. Your DH clearly thinks you are lying. I’d be leaving.