Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

Are you in perimenopause?

I mean probably… I’m 40…

I wish I knew. I'm the same but the latest one has been going on for two years

Two YEARS? It definitely feels more intense that crushes I had in teenage / early twenties years. Good to know I’m not alone though 😢

I think hormonal fluctuations around menopause can do some odd things. I developed what I can only describe as a teenage crush on a couple of celebs, searching out clips of old interviews on YouTube. I had that giddy feeling you get when you’re 14 and see the boy you like. It passed, but it was a fun year!

Well perhaps it is because this person is different than usual, that they are interesting?

Perhaps you need more excitement and variety elsewhere in your life?

A crush not acted on will eventually wither and die although it may take ages. Try not to feed it with wildly inappropriate fantasies. Avoid flirting, or being alone/drunk/socialising with this person. Distract yourself thinking about other things.

We are human - not 2 dimensional Disney princesses - so don’t beat yourself for romanticising something in your head.

You don't want to be the female version of Gregg Wallace (!).

BTW I was the same from 39 to 42ish, constant crushes, it must be that last rush of hormones before our fertility takes a nosedive.

I m single, so I could act on it, but it made me very flirty indeed for a few years.

Honestly the only times I've had crushes like that are when I've been a bit depressed or going through something difficult. If I'm feeling happy and balanced it doesn't take hold. Look for the potential causes elsewhere in your life and try to work on that.

I think the comment on Greg Wallace made the crush die a little… 🫠 keep em coming!

Same here, although just ancedotal this has very much been the case for me.

The way I got out of mine was when my husband started to name drop someone from work who was 10 years younger. I imagined he was thinking of fucking her like I was imagining it with my crush and when I saw a picture of how pretty she was it absolutely shocked me to my senses as all my attention had been diverted to my crush and I had definately been neglecting our relationship. After discussing it we both agreed to put more effort in and so far so good….i think…..

That’s interesting. I have found myself name dropping my person among friends a couple of times. Cringe, maybe need to cut that out.

Name dropping is one of the signs of danger.

I Think if you imaged your husband doing the same, how would you react!? I didn’t react well as this girl was far more attractive than me. It really did bring me to my senses. Yours may not be but you won’t know that! He might be.

is something lacking in your relationship as it was in mine.

Things are generally quite good, but let’s face it we’re together 16 years so lack of variety is probably a factor. The crush is extremely kind, calm, gentle and a bit geeky etc whereas my husband is more of a “lad” if that makes sense. Husband much fitter and younger though.

Yes it is a bit odd then. Sometimes the attraction of “bit of a lad” wears off as we get older I think. My first husband was a bit of a lad but it did get a bit tiresome at times and one dimensional. Football/mates/pub etc etc

I had it. I hated it. I was firm with myself. It passed. Ten years later, there's no sign of it.

eta: But my goodness, when you have it it's intense. I lost seventeen pounds in a fortnight.

I think that could be part of it. Sometimes it feels there’s a bit of substance lacking in our interactions.

Good to know 😊

I've got one of those limerent crushes right now, on a man from work. It's painful. He's married, so am I and it can't go anywhere. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'd only just got over the last crush which I'd had for almost two years I'm blaming a menopausal last hurrah, or something.

Painful is exactly how I’d describe this one. It’s like it physically hurts. And there’s all the silly analysing, oh he seemed a bit nervous maybe he feels the same etc (maybe he could smell the hormones off me 🤣) whereas the rational part of my brain is like this is absolutely nonsensical, just stop now!

Urgh you know you're using this thread to obsess about him more right? Cringe.

Honestly, I’m really not, I’ve seen those threads. Apologies for being a fallible human tho, and not a paragon of perfection like you may be. I’m looking for tips as to how to eliminate the invasive thoughts.

I actually did try to give you some advice up thread on precisely this.

Well for starters I’m going to request a slight change of role next year which will automatically reduce contact with the crush. But can’t do that until September…and am going to try throw myself into a couple of hobbies next year now that DCs are a bit older. The relationship thing… I dunno, more date nights?