Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

I actually was finding it very interesting that this is apparently such a common thing for perimenopausal women and yet I’ve never seen or heard of any woman that age sexually harassing a man (or behaving sexually inappropriate to them in any way, really) at work.

I definitely think it’s a perimenopause thing- I’m in my 40s and a couple of years ago I became obsessed with a Korean celebrity/actor/singer. I convinced myself he was my dream man despite living on the other side of the world, being younger than me, and having beautiful women all over the world throwing themselves at him!

I think everyone gets crushes now and again. In my experience the crush often has opposing qualities to a partner. The chances are if you were married to your crush, you might find him a bit boring and crave someone like your husband instead.

Celebrity crushes are easier to handle than rl crushes, so maybe go down that route instead.

The celebrity thing seems to be another common thread. I’ve never been obsessed with a celeb, I wouldn’t say no to Pedro Pescal but my thoughts wouldn’t be consumed by him! Has anyone read Gillian Anderson’s book on fantasies? It’s on my list…

He's gorgeous, but a wrong 'un. To have had any chance at all, I'd have had to grow up in his home town and have a full knowledge of what I was getting into.

He'd have had to be single, which he wasn't. He did say he'd leave his wife but I wasn't taking responsibility for that.

On reflection, I think he wanted access to my then quite decent salary.

What he succeeded in doing was to be 'the last straw' that broke me when my life was already too hard to live. I had a complete mental breakdown and eventually had to give up work and haven't worked since.

There was a thread on mn at the time about how many times a month people had sex with their partners... so for fun I imagined myself with him and came up with ...

Morning, when he got home from work, bedtime - ninety
He could come home for lunch - thirty
We would almost certainly do it in the night - thirty
and extras, a modest estimate... fifteen..... So maybe 165 times a month. Neither of us had small children to keep us busy.

Someone tried to tell me how bad he was and received response 'I don't care! I want the COCK!' Which just shows a) how powerful limerence is and b) how hard I had to fight it to stay on the straight and narrow.

Merry Christmas, lad, whomever you are shagging and wherever you are. (Three miles down the road from me, wondering if they're going to catch you. I haven't said a word).

I should have put WHEN men have crushes. It's uncomfortable and creepy and we're usually aware when they do.

OP I think limerence is different from a crush. I’ve had limerence for a woman but definitely didn’t fancy her or certainly didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with her

When I’ve had a crush on men I’ve always fancied them and wanted sexual relationships with them. But when I’ve had a crush on men, limerence has always been part of it

This op. I've been through it a couple of times and you're basically projecting a fantasy onto them. Just remember it's normal, it means nothing except you're alive and human! Just take the tips so you don't act on it. Because all the intense stuff, thinking ooh he's lovely, ooh etc etc is all you, even some of the good points you think about him are aspects of you!! Believe me.

Yes, me too. I ended my miserable marriage a few years ago and I don't experience this kind of thing anymore, but while I was married it was pretty constant

I think often we will avoid the object of our crush which might not help tbh. Might increase the mystique and make us able to pretend they are more than they are.

Familiarity breeds contempt. Might be quicker to get over if we got to know them better and friend zoned them perhaps 🤔

If they’re being creepy then they’re acting on it.

I wondered about that as the nature of contact through work is intermittent, isn’t that the most powerful type of reinforcement? If I was working with him day in day out it’d be easier, there’d be much less mystique and filling in blanks 😂

Yes, with mine, I saw him socially very occasionally and tended to avoid him even in those situations, so it wasn't obvious I was obsessed with him. When I got the chance to go on a date with him, it was clear he wasn't anything like the person i had built him up to be in my head. In my head we had this amazing connection, irl it just wasn't there.

Yes intermittent contact probably activates the brain's reward system.

I think even Horatio Nelson played on that one to make himself seem mysterious. He would attend certain events and then not others in order to activate what we know now as a scarcity effect.

Interesting!

I think it’s a fascinating idea to excuse behaviour as a result of ‘brain chemistry’.

All of our behaviour is the result of brain chemistry, so it is the ultimate get-out-of-jail free card for anything. It is funny how male’s ‘mid life crises’ aren’t excused in the same sympathetic way.

I totally agree that our head is private but if thoughts are so all pervasive, they cannot but affect our behaviour. We do have a choice over whether to dwell on passing fantasies or not. And, if we start to lose that choice, that is when it is time to look for external help, maybe therapy.

We are women here supporting other women. If men went on a male forum, I'm sure they would be supportive.

We are honestly and openly talking about our experiences in a non judgemental supportive environment. As women do for their female friends.

No one is actually behaving badly though - not one person here is asking for support to explore these feelings - they are mainly relieved that they are not an isolated person who should continue to feel ashamed and alone.

Oh, aren’t we flighty little airheads so very lucky to have a man shepherd and police us in our own female safe space. Who the fuck does he think he is?!

I completely sympathise. I have been through it. It’s like a drug and inexplicable because in person, there was nothing special or attractive about them, or anything like my normal type, but oh my God the fantasies were like a really powerful drug.
it was like nothing else mattered and took up all of my thoughts. It was an obsession, and completely engulfed me for months and made me feel actual pain.
It was all in my head entirely, I hope he never picked up on it because that is mortifying thinking about it! I certainly didn’t even look in his direction, he was completely not suitable for me really.
It didn’t help that my relationship was so so bad and I was desperately trying to get out of it at the same time as this happened so there
must be some truth to the theories above.

I don’t know what the answer is, only try not to do it, (if you want to stay married) and give it time. Very best wishes to you 💕

Which behaviour is not the result of electrochemical impulses?

What behaviour are you referring to? What criticism do men who have irrational and unwelcomed thoughts but don't act on them face?

I'm sitting on the sofa next to my mid-life "limerence" right now.

Do you still want to hop on him 24/7?

No, on second thoughts, please don’t tell us or the fire will only start up again after all the good work this thread has done.