Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

Slightly less now we've got a 4 year old

Please share the secret of how you keep the magic alive!

I find this policing of women’s internal thoughts by a man interesting, considering you know, the existence of p*rn. I guess only single men use that though, right? Or is there some excuse on its way as to why that is somehow acceptable.

There’s a man on this thread? Scrolls back 🫣

I’m just wondering is it all just an extreme version of wanting what you can’t have.

Like if everyone was free and single it would just be love happening, but because this seems to be wanting someone that is not allowed, then during the absences it all gets built up and up and up to frenzied levels, like nearly BeatleMania.

Could definitely be a factor!

In an odd way it feels safer when nothing can happen, but also is perpetuated for similar reasons.

This is a great thread thanks @Candoolili - I get these crushes as well and I agree they are painful! Really painful sometimes.

I am single but the people I admire for want of a better word never are! And I agree that while there might (sometimes) be something which sparks the whole thing, there is also usually a lot of projection going on.

I also agree that working on what is missing from our lives is one of the ways forward.

I have had this periodically for years, since I was a teenager up until the present (am 44).

For me, it's about unmet needs and there being something missing in my current life. But I only recently began to think of it in these terms.

Absolutely in turmoil here - not sleeping or eating properly at the moment.

Awful.

A bit of distance over xmas helped (took about a week but it really did) and then bam back to work.

All quite manageable ( by my standards ) until this week when I had to see him person. Had a quick drink and a bite together before heading back on our respective trains at 6:30.

I've been in turmoil ever since.

Was a lovely couple of hours - chatting, laughing. Felt alive and cared for. I am certain now that the feelings are mutual. No overt lines where crossed - ie no kissing, touching or declaring of feelings - but it's just there. Eye contact, body language, levels of smiling and reciprocal interest. Lots of texts / banter on way home ( we live at opposite ends of the country).

Thankfully distance is massive and very rare to see each other in person, and this was only time alone.

Honestly though - this is mental.

I'm going to have to get some counselling, really hope that the reporting lines change soon ( we are in the same team) and if not - I think I'll have to leave my job.

No easy feat - I'm very well paid, the main breadwinner and fully remote ( DS has disabilities- and whilst he is a school attending teen it is good to be in the house whilst he is).

I'm so ashamed writing all this down. I am ridiculous.

Properly sobbed today

It’s ok and it won’t last forever. You will get through this x

Thankyou @3luckystars - it's so nice to open up here and not be judged as the guilt and shame is in itself overwhelming

Hi missfliss. Thanks for sharing and for helping to normalise what seems to be a surprisingly common experience.

I can’t even imagine how tough it would be if I had any sort of reciprocation. Would amplify feelings 1000%

Things have improved massively my end. What’s helped has been-

getting really sick over Christmas which offered an unfortunate distraction

having to work directly with him recently oddly helped - took away some of the “mystery” and allowed me to see that I could liaise with him professionally and be successful (not sure if that makes any sense)

focusing on some new hobbies- took up a musical instrument again after yeeeeears

being really, really busy but not to the level of burnout (which I think can fuel things sometimes)

Thinking of you and do feel free to post here at any stage I have found the support great
x

Are you going through a difficult time in your life? Limerence is an escape from reality. It’s an unconsious reaction of the brain, a mechanism to increase dopamine and other hormones so that we escape depression when we go through sth difficult. Perimenopause might also affect but it’s mainly psychological reaction when we face adversity

Thanks- see most recent post for an update. There was a lot of work related stress at the apex of it, yes.

Thanks so much @Candoolili I'm so glad you feel better. Really I am.

I work very closely indeed with my crush. Daily. We are in touch all the time and there are lots of in jokes and lighthearted exchanges between us either 121 or solo.

He is lovely - kind, funny, charming, helpful and supportive - and so so handsome. I know he thinks highly of me and has complimented my looks on occasion in very nice respectful terms.

However we are both married. We work together and ( luckily) live a long way apart. I think of there was opportunity we would be in a real danger zone. Thankfully there is none and we are never meeting on our own or anything. We don't confide in each other emotionally or anything and no contact late at night / early mornings etc.

I think we both know how we feel but are dancing around it and keeping it lighthearted so we can enjoy working together and not stray too far.

Part of me is frightened- both of how I feel but also of never feeling like this again.

Can I join in this thread? I've been wanting to start my own but couldn't quite muster up the strength. I've developed an all consuming crush on a colleague. I have a wonderful dh and family that I've been devoted too so I'm not unhappy in personal life at all. I feel guilty. I think there are some mutual feelings there and intense chemistry (at least on my part) that started when we had a drunken silly dance at a works party. I don't think he feels anywhere near the same as I do but he is single, which makes it worse. It's driving me absolutely mad to the point that I was going to tell dh that I wanted to sleep with this man (luckily I didn't). Not seen him for a month and I think it's waning slightly but we will start working together again soon. I think something is up with my hormones, possibly heading towards peri. I've very rarely had such strong chemical feelings for someone. Only other person is DH. It's slightly addictive but horrible at the same time!

On the plus side the dopamine hit I've been getting from.my crush has completely replaced my habits of eating and drinking too much. I've lost loads of weight and am.lokking and feeling the best I have in years

Welcome here crushing - and yes I too have lost a tonne of weight over this. Which is having the perverse effect of making me more attractive ( I had weight to lose).

Sounds like we are in similiar places with our crushes.

Honestly it's like being 16 again.

I'm literally get a hit whenever he contacts me ( a lot)

You're really in the danger zone now. I've been there and you need to cut out the texts, as painful and difficult as that is, if you want to avoid a coming storm.

Quite a while ago now I had a real obsessive crush on a colleague. Not someone I worked with very regularly but it was all consuming. He felt the same way about me and we ended up having a very short fling (we were both single but kept it quiet at work as didn’t want the rumour mill going into overdrive before we’d even got going!)

Well all I can say is that I’m soooooo glad we didn’t tell anyone! It was very intense very quickly, I spent my whole day thinking about him or texting him or planning outfits for when we were together etc. It fizzled out after a few weeks once I started making time for my friends and family again after spending those few weeks just wrapped up in him. The thing that just instantly gave me the ick was one day we were planning when we’d see each other over the next week and with work and other social plans I could only commit to seeing him for one afternoon. He kind of flipped out saying it wasn’t enough and he couldn’t only see me for just one day out of the week. I just went right off him it felt so needy and clingy and it was just a bit of a wake up call about how quickly we’d stormed into the whole thing. Looking back now I’d just got so wrapped up in the idea of him I guess that I’d decided I was in love with him before I even got to know him properly. I feel so embarrassed and physically cringe looking back on it now 😬

I suppose it did make me take a bit of a step back in future relationships and take things a lot slower!

It's not texts Zaphod - it's teams messages at work ( and not flirty - just work)

But good advice @ZaphodDent re texts - luckily those are not at all frequent - agree it is danger zone when that happens

@MyOpulentDuck really helpful for me to hear just now - the idea that you get so wrapped up at the idea of being in love without really knowing them.

We all tend to be presenting our best versions of ourselves at work - having to imagine the less glamorous domestic settings is a good foil

Honestly, reading some of the posts on here was just so familiar to me as it was exactly how I was feeling with this guy. I was OBSESSED. Spent hours scrolling through his social media profiles, looking up his ex girlfriends, checking out all his female friends on social media. Even looking through mutual friends’ photos hoping to catch a glimpse of him in the background 😭 what a twat 😆

I’m actually incredibly embarrassed about it all looking back now and just thank god that social media wasn’t a thing when I was a teenager 25-30 years ago with a different crush every month 😆

I'm embarrassed for myself too @MyOpulentDuck.

He is pretty though ( hope he gets a bad haircut or something)