Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

Just wanted to add that the long conversation probably deepened the friendship, but killed off the limerence even more than it already was because while he is a lovely person, it's no longer possible to project that fantasy on to him.

Update here … crossed the line with mine now … only hugging/ handholding and sharing of some feelings! But then very awkward the next day, have only seen him
once and we haven’t properly talked. Afraid that he will retreat through fear/ common sense, and I’ll lose the brilliant work friend relationship and possibly so much more. Right now I am probably a warning advert for anyone else tempted to cross that line … the agony is worse than before!!!!

It’s the uncertainty that fuels it, I agree.

But look, you were not really friends anyway. He might have been your friend but you were not his because you secretly have feelings for him. So I think don’t be in too much agony!!

@stardustbiscuits I think that one of the main things that differentiates limerence from the heady first stages of ordinary attraction or falling in love, is the fact that shortly after it begins it becomes very difficult to control, with a lot of intrusive thoughts, which aren’t just pleasant fantasising but are also obsessive re-runs and analysing of any interactions with the LO and the yo-yoing from euphoria and hope (hope that he could feel the same and thinking he might, then doubting it…) to feeling delusional, ridiculous and guilty. It becomes painful and starts to cause unwanted distraction and disruptions to your life and you just want it to stop, but then again it’s very difficult to stop it as it’s become a kind of brain glitch. It’s miserable.

Hi Candoolili! I'm so comforted by your post and the replies/advice. I'm 54 in July I'm in peri-menpause, still getting the odd period, no major hot flushes. I restarted my career after 8 year break ( looking after parents/kids). I've lost a little weight due to being more active & everyone says I'm looking happier, which I do to an extent. I've been Married 21 years to my only ever sexual partner, 3 kids 13, 16 & 20. My crush is a fellow co worker who is bi-polar and he has been off a lot with his condition he is 10 years younger & married. He is slways saying that he is a lucky man ( due to his amazing wife) and that my husband is a lucky man too?? I was crying today thinking how we couldn't possibly ever be together. I miss him when he isn't around. I did think I was going mad. Then I read some comments about some other feel that are going crazy too. I'm always getting crushes the last being the kid's headmaster. I did think I was going mad. He gives me compliments ( your hairs nice, have you had it cut, I love your laugh, Your cheeky smile) which have turned my head, as DH doesnt ever compliment me. We have a lot in common & I just feel we were meant to be together. I feel protective of him and compassionate. When we are in the same room my hearts starts beating really fast. He has a lovely wife who has supported him through his mental health battles. I think what it is too is that I'm looking for validation that I'm still attractive ( midlife crisis?). The fact that Im obssessed with this guy & the idea of him liking me back would be good for me esteem. DH is affectionate & helpful, but feels actions are more than words ( which I half agree with) I think also my DH has undiagnosed ADHD. When I mentioned to DH that it'd be nice if he gave me the odd compliment he got shirty & said if I wasn't happy I should leave. I was going to go to a medium for help. I wish I could get over it

@marytheresa You don't need a medium, you need a good therapist. I don't say this to be mean but nothing is going to happen with this other guy or if it does it will be little more than an unedifying fumble and afterwards he will probably avoid you like the plague. I get that these crushes can be an amusing or comforting diversion when life is tough, boring or you feel unappreciated. It all seems to be making you miserable and if that was your husbands response to you trying to get your needs met then that is really disappointing, it seems that perhaps you might benefit from some sessions of couples counselling to try and improve communication.

I can guarantee you that these men you fantasise about are not anything special, they are just another man with their own issues, they leave shit stains on the toilet pan, they leave their socks on the floor and ignore their wives in favour of the football, pub, porn or whatever. None of them are romance novel fantasy men, they are just men.

Also at 53 its time to start getting your validation from yourself not from others and especially not men. Imagine we all had that clarity at 16, think of what we could achieve!

Thanks Usbslot2 I needed that. I haven't been able to talk about my feeling to another soul. I'm going keep keep thinking about the stains and socks each time he intrudes my thoughts 😊

I think I may have found a cure.
Think about them in ways that would ick you.

Think about them going over a speed bump.
Think about them running with a backpack.
Think about them opening a loud Velcro wallet at a bar.

or on a barbershop chair with a cape, being swirled around on the chair

hope this helps x

Brilliant 😂

Look up Dr L limerence. Yes I have had several intense limerences and they all stemmed from there being a huge shortage of intimacy in my marriage. In my case I had a limerent crush very intensely on a man 13 years younger who I worked with who also had a crush on me but it was primarily sexual for him. He was not happy about my lack of desire to make things real so to speak. It was uncomfortable and felt like a weird obsession but going no contact helped the most.

Also there is some evidence that anxious attachment styles are most likely to have limerences.

I don't think it's healthy or respectful to go from idolising everything they do and then imagining them in degrading or icky scenarios, you're still centering them and limerence is not about them it's about you and what you're lacking in yourself and life in general. It would be better I think to get to the bottom of what you actually like about them and why. For example, it could be that they are kind to you when they don't have to be this nice. You're so starved for someone to be kind but also handsome or successful or whatever trait that they also have so their niceness towards you felt especially validating.
Or sometimes there is something about them that you wish you had or had suppressed within you and it gets under your skin how they can be so freely expressive with it when you were shamed or guilted about it as a child, so actually the limerence is deep envy and grief that you don't have this thing or had to lose it when they are shining bright with it and people love them for it eg being outspoken or a silly comedian who is also popular, well liked and successful when you were told to behave or be quiet.

I’m glad I found this thread. Have been going through something like this for about nine months. On the one hand fun, on the other very upsetting.
it’s a guy I work with. I’m not sure if it is limerence because I can tell he is attracted to me as well. Both married. He’s always been a bit flirty with me but I didn’t give it much thought until last year, when suddenly I developed - out of nowhere it seemed - a huge crush. Think about him all the time. At work I behave in ways I am not that proud off - making eye contact quite a lot, on a work trip somebody made a joke about us flirting which was a bit of a wake up call to me to watch my behaviour. I don’t want to have an affair. I love dh.
it’s not fun to be honest. However one thing really helped, and that was talking to a friend about it and being honest. I thought she’d say I was acting badly but actually she really understood. She asked me to think what it was I admired in this person, and that was helpful.
my mum is dying of cancer and that has been - obviously - very upsetting but also very destabilising. I feel untethered. This person (or the fantasy) makes me feel tethered in a way. Not sure if that makes sense. She also suggested not to fight it, if I’m confident I wouldn’t do something. I am not totally confident on that score but luckily we have no reason to ever be alone together so hopefully this will pass.

OMG. I thought I was alone with my feelings! And there is even a name for it? My LO is a friend who I was very close to 30 years ago. Lost touch due to various moves etc, before mobiles. Not really wanting a sexual relationship, more an ‘best friends that we were’ scenario. He has been married to his husband for 15 years now, very happily. I adore his husband. A very kind and genuine man. Came into contact 2 years ago. For the first 18 months we were almost at that ‘best friends’stage again messaging each other countless times a day, supporting each other. Now he is pulling away somewhat, and my obsession has grown as a reaction to that. The only way I can do this is to block him on wattsapp, so I stop constantly sending messages and checking if he has read them, but I feel awful doing that as he is going to wonder why I have done it, and he is a genuinely lovely man. Reading this thread has stopped me obsessing for the last hour, so I thank you all. I just wish things could go back to 6 months ago when we were really close as friends, and he didn’t slightly pull back, and I didn’t over react to that. Ouch.

Hi all- it’s me the original poster. Looking for some advice again (though I think I know the answer to this)
An opportunity has come up that will allow me to go non contact with the relevant person. Essentially I will be able to trade some clients with a colleague. My thoughts have continued to be occupied by my crush, and there is a palpable awkward tension when we work together (probably only perceived by me!) I worry that I will be jealous of my colleague etc and also the sense of grief that will accompany ending my work relationship with this man. Yet I know in my heart and soul it’s probably the right thing to do. Thoughts, advice, and tips welcome.

It is the right thing to do. You begged for it to go away and this is how it will.
I know it hurts x

Thanks @3luckystars it hurts so much. I could feel my eyes filling up with tears on the drive back from work today. But there’s a part of me excited to know that I’ll (hopefully) have more headspace to focus on me, my kids, my partner, and hobbies. Anyone else any thoughts or advice?

I know how you feel, it’s so painful but in a few weeks the strong feelings will fade and you will start to recover. It will fade.

Gosh yes, getting some headspace back sounds like a huge relief. I'm sure it will be incredibly hard for a while but I hope it will ease for you over the passing months. It's good that you have lots of distractions and will be able to stay busy.

I'm nearly 2 years in (if not longer!) with this horrible, all engulfing obsession and wish I was out the other side. If it gets any easier, please come back and tell us.....there has to be some hope!

Like being really thirsty and can’t , take a drink.
an itch you can’t scratch!

Just don’t resort to texting instead

There’s absolutely no way I’d resort to texting because our only exchanges have been work related. There’s no personal relationship there that could justify a text of any sort.

I think you should take it. It’ll be sad because a bit of excitement that’s been in your life will go. But it will be replaced by a sense of relief I think, after a while. And space.

I think it will help you simmer down and restore peace. It hurts though x

I should imagine the no contact will simmer the present intense feelings and they will gradually fade. May take a little time, like a withdrawal. Equilibrium is likely to arrive. You may feel relieved after a while that life's become more straightforward.
I just don't apply this to limerence, but any 'new beginning' and it is this - remember when you learnt how to ride a bike. The stabilisers came off and you initially wobbled, but you found your balance.
We tend to wobble before the balance emotinally too. Don't fear it too much, because it's how balance is learnt and found.

That's a really good analogy @TaranFollt