Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

Im currently going through an intense crush on someone who doesn’t exist but I have invented him from a combination of police officers from the TV program Highland Cops.

😂😂😂😂😂😂 I love MN

Kindness seems to be an enormously attractive trait, as I’ve just read in another long interesting thread where a woman seems to be gaslighting herself into being with a man who’s given her the ick.

And they say women don’t like nice guys.

I think lots of women marry this way, and they won’t be the ones complaining about the mental load and financial neglect on here because they have chosen pragmatically. Yet they might be living lives of quiet desperation bored out of their skulls and subject to ongoing limerence about unsuitable men.

Here’s the other thread
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5215870-how-to-uninvite-guest?page=1

Can we all live vicariously through your Highland Fling? 😂

Maybe we should all channel this into writing sexy romantic fiction and making money

These threads, which come up regularly, are the ultimate in self indulgence.

We can’t help ourselves having the odd crush. What we can do is put it away where it belongs, as pure fantasy and not to be indulged too seriously.

Imagine your husband giving more brain space to a younger, more attractive woman than you (or whatever you would find more hurtful) and then posting on a male forum for people to say they sympathise, it’s been a long marriage, clearly your wife is unattractive now and boring etc etc.

If you find the above hurtful, stop wittering about limerence and put a stop to it. If you don’t find it hurtful, it is probably time to talk to a lawyer about divorce.

Interesting perspective but if you’d read my earlier posts one of the baffling things about this is that my husband is much more objectively attractive. He’s not boring either. And I’ve found this thread extremely helpful, thanks to everyone who’s contributed- it’s given me a new perspective on this situation and also some ideas of how to move forward in a helpful way.

Fab advice, thank you.

Definitely something worth thinking about. My husband is kind but also very cynical / skeptical, there’s something very pure about this other type of kindness. I suppose it does feel like there’s a lot of unkind behaviour out there in the world, particularly lately, so this is quite refreshing to encounter. Something to channel myself maybe!

@Newbutoldfather - very dismissive. When I was experiencing something similar to OP, I was constantly attempting to ‘pull myself together’, and feeling immensely guilty about how my husband would feel if he knew I had such strong feelings for someone else.

It felt like a lot more than having a crush on someone tbh. I am out the other side now but I think the imbalance in brain chemistry (dopamine/seratonin response, coupled with perimenopausal hormonal changes) felt almost like a mental illness. That sounds completely extreme…but it was.

This is a crazy perspective. The space on our heads is for us only. No one gets through life without fantasies and escapism. We’re not robots. If you don’t want your other half to have fantasies about other people then don’t have a relationship with a human!
If one wants to act on the fantasies then maybe it is time to divorce. Otherwise our headspace is for us only. It’s a sanity saver in most relationships.

Putting a different take on things , maybe the object of your crush would be in the person for you in a different live/ situation. Particularly if you feel your crush reciprocates.

Obviously, in a relationship we keep or crushes/ limerence a secret and pretend it isnt happening.

I don't believe in fate and ' The One' for everyone. I believe there are lots of potential people for us , and a catalyst will sort of trigger that attraction.

I like this thread because I don’t feel alone! I am in my 40s and thought I was really weird for having silly crushes and fantasies about other men. I’ve been married an age. I’m not taking anything further than fantasies in my head and live quite and enjoyable life up there when things feel mundane and boring in real life.

I have no qualms about the fact that my husband finds other women attractive. We’d openly discuss things like that. It’s more laziness / being invested in other interests etc that would prevent a full on crush developing I think. And he doesn’t have the same hormonal fluctuations.

I've had this in the past. It went on for years and I 100% agree that it felt like mental illness. Intrusive thoughts that I couldn't really control. Coupled with the secrecy, guilt and shame. It's such an enormous relief that it's over.

Interestingly I was also in early / mid perimenopause at the time. Am more or less out the other end now so wonder if there's a connection.

Yes !!!

I reckon it is a combination of almost addiction patterns in brain chemistry ( dopamine / reward patterns etc) and then the last chance reproductive saloon of hormones underneath it.

Very much feels like a mental illness.

It's so great to demystify it - and really realise it's very much about me and not my crush himself per se.

Thanks so much everyone who has shared and OP for starting this thread

It is nice to know it's not just me that went through it, was also starting to worry something was wrong!

I can relate to all these posts. I too am peri, and definitely feel like a crush at this age is a symptom of needing to escape the midlife rut of relationship/parenting/running a household fatigue, and probably a bit of 'last chance saloon' in the reproductive arena.

I mean, who wouldn't like to escape the school run/shopping/snoring DH by fantasising about gorgeous chore-free weekends away with a handsome young crush!

Mine is manageable as I only have to see him a couple of times a week, but he's not making it easy by being exactly the type of charming, attentive, attention bombing, perfect gentleman that one only meets in one's fantasies!

Wow! That is intense! When you think of the person now are you amazed at what you felt or can you still see the attraction but just don't feel anything ?

Why cringe? Cringe is just such an unhelpful comment 🙄

Lost 4kg and was barely eating or sleeping enough, utter madness.

Once the rose tinted huge thick goggles came off, I could barely understand what I saw in him, let alone have any remnant of that feeling remaining.
I actually think of him as quite boring and irritating to think of right now.

It really is a mental and physical illness, no two ways about it. The combination of hormones released are decimating.

I actually think it's a good think not to dress it up as anything other than it is.

See it for what it is , inappropriate and if a man did it it would be stalky and weird.

Remind yourself of that every time you think of him.

I think everyone here knows full well it's not anything really other than a heady cocktail of hormones and brain chemistry,

In talking about it openly though it removes the secrecy and mystique that it doesn't really warrant

A crush doesn’t have to be a bad thing; crushes can offer a happy escape from reality, help us figure out what we like in our partners and make us feel more alive.

Ha ha! Men have secret crushes in the same way we do - if you think they don’t then you’re very naive. If they’re acted on by either sex then that’s when the trouble starts.

Thoughts are not stalky- actions can be. My interactions have been deliberately guarded / strictly work related, almost to the point of being a bit cold.