Mid-life limerence?

[Candoolili]

Looking for some tips from others who might have experienced this. I realise limerence has become a trendy word which pathologises what is essentially a crush, but looking at threads online it’s the best description of what I’m currently experiencing! I’m married as is the person in question but my entire day is spent thinking about them and coming up with all sorts of silly imaginings. There is absolutely no way I am acting on any of this but looking for tips on how to expel these thoughts from my brain! I’m not even sure where it’s come from as they are not my type, much older and not conventionally attractive. I cannot go completely no contact as there will be occasional contact through work, and I’m not in position to give up my job. Many thanks.

Sorry, just surprised.
A big waste of time, no?

That’s the issue, yes.

I have had this the past few years with a celebrity. Wish I had some advice but sending sympathy, feel so foolish even though not many people know. Feel guilty against my husband as have even messaged this person few times. I do think it’s an age thing as I am also 40.

Try this:
Next time he pops into your head, conjure an image of him naked, sat on the toilet squeezing out a massive hard shit. He's sweating, forehead veins bulging, shouting at you to bring him more toilet paper. Imagine the smell.
Do this ten times and you should fancy him a bit less.

😱😱😱

I’m a bit envious, I miss that feeling of aliveness. It’s the spice of life, enjoy it. Your person sounds intriguing, tell me more so I can enjoy vicariously through you.

Last time I had a crush, the person seemed not very keen, so I spent a few days thinking about any “flaws” they had, I had to exaggerate some of them in my mind as I didn’t know enough about them but was desperately attracted. It worked only too well! You can really brainwash yourself if you put the time in…

If it was someone I had no plans to approach and knew they would never step to me, then I would bask in it and enjoy, life is too short to forget such feelings exist.

I have no plans to approach - for many many good reasons ( luckily logistical barriers would also make extremely unlikely on top), but am reasonably sure he is attracted to me too.

Makes it harder.

Sigh.

Am concentrating on his flaws to make it easier ...

I agree that it may be because you're dissatisfied with something in your life. I had a profound limerent crush on someone just because he paid a scant bit of attention towards me (noticed what I wore! remembered something I had said the week before!) at a time when the rest of the world was pretty brutally indifferent. Circumstances meant I didn't see him after the first few weeks but the crush lasted much longer. I was holding 'conversations' with him in my head, but of course afterwards realised that, since I was supplying both sides of the 'conversation', they were really conversations with myself - and again, that's maybe a sign that you have something to work out or, just simply, that you need someone different to talk to.

This is a lovely take and has cheered me up no end.

What he’s like…I don’t want to give too many details away for fear of being recognised (extremely unlikely I know) but the main attractive feature for me is the kindness. He works with a vulnerable population, is a bit shy and awkward but very intelligent in an unshowy way. There’s possible a bit of a paternal thing going on which I understand can be common in these circumstances.

The imaginary conversations happen with me too 😊

It’s so hard. Luckily for me there have been no signs of attraction from him (I could invent ones but it would be stretching it, I’m a logical person) that would make things even more intense I feel.

Whatever you do don't let yourself fantasise sexually about him. Your brain can really do a number on you then...

Im currently going through an intense crush on someone who doesn’t exist but I have invented him from a combination of police officers from the TV program Highland Cops. I’ve got the whole relationship worked out from our meeting (on the beach walking our dogs), to why we’re both available for a relationship, to why I moved up there, to our subsequent accidental bumping into each other in the coffee shop in town, to our first date and beyond (he’s called Hamish , dog is Angus). I’m happily married, but oh my goodness, I’m spending so much time working on my relationship with Hamish. It’s utterly bizarre but I’m putting it down to the menopause and my ovaries’ last fling - and I’m not holidaying in the Highlands any time soon (it’s for the best I think).

I may have already done this once or twice 🫣

Oh wow. This is a new one! I might try an invent an alternative crush, seems healthier…

I had quite a few crushes around 40-45 onwards, I didn't connect it with peri, it may have been but just that that time of life is quite tiring and a distracting crush on someone lovely but you don't have to live with is a nice entertainment. I did notice they were more intense when I was stressed or there was a bit of stress in my relationship. I don't tend to worry too much if I have one now, it's a fairly harmless pastime having imaginary conversations with someone nice from work, I do think it's worth thinking through whether your relationship could be improved and whether you are stressed. It might not extinguish it entirely but at least you won't seriously entertain your crush.

I’m not sure it is…obsessive crushes, real or imaginary, take up so much time! I do sympathise though, these kind of intense feelings can be a real pita when all you want to do is just go about your day. Of course, the reality is that he’ll stink out the bathroom and lounge about on the sofa watching crap telly and eating crisps when he should be doing his share of the housework - you know that, right?

Bloody hell, I think we may have a crush on the same person, your description was uncanny 😂.

I'm married, but when times are hard - which is often, my fantasy crush is like a comforting alternative life for me, escapism.

My crush barely knows I exist. I'm thinking of leaving my job and I'll miss him but it'll probably be a relief .....until the next unrealistic crush comes along! I definitely feel like a hormonal teenager, and I'm very hormonal and mid 40's, I also feel very sad that it'll never be my real life as my logical brain knows I'm being ridiculous.

Oh OP, I feel for you. I suffered from this really, REALLY badly for a couple of years. Also perimenopausal - I think this time of life makes us particularly susceptible. We are biologically designed to procreate, and our 40s are when our bodies’ ability to do that is in steep decline - it would make sense that we feel driven to reproduce one last time. My desire for the man I was strongly attracted to certainly felt primal - far worse than any teenage crush, and very painful.

My advice? Be careful and try to distance yourself. In my case the man involved was also married and we were attracted to each other (though I think while my head was exploding over it, he saw it as a fun flirtation and not much more). To be clear, we didn’t have an affair - but to be brutally honest, I was very tempted and I think he (despite finding me attractive) thankfully had the sense not to put a bomb under both of our families’ lives. When I look back on it, it was like I was crazy. It took up so much of my headspace and was extremely distracting.

The man involved question works in the same industry as me, so while it’s not as intense as being in the same office, I wish I’d taken as many steps as possible to create distance. Once I eventually did that, time passed and now, five years on (sorry, it does take time!), I don’t feel insane when I do see him - I think the ‘spark’ will always exist between us, but I’m not obsessing and considering ruining my life over it.

Hope this helps.

sympathise hugely
agree with others that this may be hormonal and may also have a particular function in your life.
how to address it:
1.) find physical details about them you find disgusting. Concentrate on those.
2.) avoid them where possible and in particular socialising or drinking anywhere near them
3.) read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel and follow the advice re your relationship.
4.) remember thoughts aren’t actions and fantasies are essentially normal and harmless.
5.) sublimate the urge into helpful behaviour - eg if you want to lose weight or take better care of yourself - feeling yourself as someone with desires who wants to be desired can be a useful incentive for positive change

good luck and commiserations.

Write a book!

I'm so relieved to hear that so many women are going through this, it makes me feel normal My crush is now a year in with no sign of waning, despite trying all the tactics mentioned upthread.

I hadn't related it to peri, but I am also of that age. Really really interesting.

I too am finding this fantastically reassuring.

The space it's been occupying in my head, the guilt, the secrecy has been awful.

It's coinciding with a period where I am gaining more recognition at work, have started a new fitness regime ( aimed at going into later life strong) and am looking better than I have in years. So I'm attracting quite a lot of male attention ( not a boast, it's all relative) as I'm objectively attractive and relatively young looking. This isn't meant to sound as arrogant as it probably does. A good HRT regime (including testosterone) is making me feel pretty decent.

My crush is, I'm quite sure, at least a little attracted to me, but sensibly ( as a poster down thread has in common) is probably just enjoying the mild flirting for what it is. Instead of being a total disproportionate headf*ck like it is for me.

It feels so much better to come here, normalize it and laugh at it even.

Makes it far less of a threat and is so good at getting it into perspective.

Your brain is looking for something. There’s a thrill you are seeking, some dopamine hit you are subconsciously looking to find.
I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. We’re social sexual beings and it’s not unusual that your brain has attached these needs to a man in your life.
You mention his main trait is kindness. Are enough people being kind to you? Is that what’s missing for you?