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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

536 replies

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:28

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

OP posts:
Moonlightstars · 22/12/2024 00:31

Your wife is an utter dick.

Moonlightstars · 22/12/2024 00:32

As to what I would do is divorce my petty wife and let my daughter know that our relationship is more important.

IndigoBabble · 22/12/2024 00:35

Your wife is being completely unreasonable and selfish

Original poster
Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:35

Thank you both. I really value your opinions and advice. One of my biggest fears is losing my daughter and my wife knows this. I have a great relationship with my grandson from DS but know also that she probably wouldn’t let DD’s children (she has none yet but does want them soon) come in the house. My wife has two sons, who have given me their fair share of abuse over the years and I’ve just shrugged it off as typical young adults/teenagers. I’m fine with them now.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 22/12/2024 00:35

You have to make a choice - for me it would be my daughter who recognises and wants to make amends

What was the argument with the drink throwinf

Meadowfinch · 22/12/2024 00:36

They don't like each other. Stop trying to persuade them. There is no need for them to live together so meet elsewhere or see your dd while your wife is visiting her family.

You can't force people to like each other.

Tiswa · 22/12/2024 00:36

So hold on her sons have treated you similarly and yuh have forgiven but she won’t?

ueah you have a massive wife issue

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 22/12/2024 00:37

Does your wife know about your DD's SA?

Twinkletwankletwunkle · 22/12/2024 00:38

What drink did your daughter throw over your wife?

StormingNorman · 22/12/2024 00:39

Your wife is a malicious and vindictive drama queen and you are an idiot for thinking your daughter would be able to accept her.

Your wife should be on her fucking knees grovelling for your daughter’s forgiveness and acceptance after breaking up her family. Not driving a further wedge in the family. But what can you expect from someone who fucks a married man.

Alalalala · 22/12/2024 00:41

I imagine it’s possible your wife said something truly vile to your daughter to make her throw a drink? Not that it’s ok but it is relevant. What was the argument?

And yes does your wife know about the SA? If she does she’s doubly petty and malicious.

Your wife is behaving deplorably.

calmandcollected101 · 22/12/2024 00:43

What a horrible wife.
She has no empathy for your daughter or even tried.
Your daughter had a difficult time with you and exW divorcing. Yes DD behaviour was wrong, however she is trying to repair the relationship.

Having been in a similar situation growing up, my dad put me and my younger brother first. We have the best relationship. His previous awful girlfriends really created a horrible environment which felt like obstacles to having a peaceful relationship with dad. As it was almost like the elephant in the room no matter where you meet with dad without the wife.

If your wife loves and values you, she would never do this

Always put your children first.

OriginalUsername2 · 22/12/2024 00:44

I’m all for boundaries but she’s playing some sort of game. Acting like everything will be fine then turning at the last minute.

OriginalUsername2 · 22/12/2024 00:45

Also wondering what did she say to end up with a drink thrown at her.

Italiangreyhound · 22/12/2024 00:46

Personally, I am afraid I would priorise the daughter over the wife. Especially as the daughter wants to move forward.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 22/12/2024 00:47

StormingNorman · 22/12/2024 00:39

Your wife is a malicious and vindictive drama queen and you are an idiot for thinking your daughter would be able to accept her.

Your wife should be on her fucking knees grovelling for your daughter’s forgiveness and acceptance after breaking up her family. Not driving a further wedge in the family. But what can you expect from someone who fucks a married man.

Harsh but true. Your wife callously played a part in breaking up DD’s family. Throwing a drink is trivial in comparison. It would be lovely if everyone got on well, but it’s very natural that DD should resent your wife. Your wife was in the wrong back then, and she’s in the wrong again now.

Sadly, OP, you have always put your wishes, and your wife’s, ahead of your children’s.

Edited to add: I know some people may say that’s acceptable when the children are grown up and independent. But it sounds as if you and your present wife broke DD’s heart and your wife is too arrogant to try to make amends.

Ladyoatcookies · 22/12/2024 00:48

Adding to the chorus - your wife is awful but so are you.

You let her kids be rude to you and didn’t ban them from the house - but yet you allowed her to ban your daughter from your house after an argument that got out of hand when your daughter was struggling mentally? Why did you allow this?

Men like you disgust me sorry. Do you have no spine? I just hope you’re realising the error of your ways now.

Original poster
Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:48

They were having a heated discussion about a uni course actually, disagreeing about which route would be best for DS take. It was stupid. DD threw a pint of squash. Stormed out. We had other family there including wife’s family who hadn’t met DD before so I think that added to the embarrassment. I went outside to speak to DD to ask her to come back inside but her mum came for her pretty soon after.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:49

I agree with what you are all saying and I am taking it all on board. I will also show my wife this thread tomorrow.

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 22/12/2024 00:49

Personally , I wouldn’t ever forgive someone who threw a drink over me!

that’s just horrid behaviour , no matter what had gone on before or after it.

wantnoscrubs · 22/12/2024 00:50

Wife is utterly unreasonable in this situation.
DD was 22. It was a drink. She has tried to be the bigger person and make amends.

Your wife is cruel to not reciprocate this and to allow your relationship with DD suffer.

Is your wife a 'nice' person?

Icanflyhigh · 22/12/2024 00:50

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:35

Thank you both. I really value your opinions and advice. One of my biggest fears is losing my daughter and my wife knows this. I have a great relationship with my grandson from DS but know also that she probably wouldn’t let DD’s children (she has none yet but does want them soon) come in the house. My wife has two sons, who have given me their fair share of abuse over the years and I’ve just shrugged it off as typical young adults/teenagers. I’m fine with them now.

Edited

I'm sorry but your problem is your wife.

Only tonight I've had a conversation with DH who has moved on and forgiven DD for doing much worse than throwing a drink on him - I told him straight I admired him for doing that given the situation.
His response, she's my daughter, I love her unconditionally.
For context, he's her step dad for the last 9 years and yes, he makes her and her two younger siblings a priority.

Again, your wife I'd the issue here.
I'm so sorry it looks like you have a tough choice in the new year, if not before.

wantnoscrubs · 22/12/2024 00:52

2chocolateoranges · 22/12/2024 00:49

Personally , I wouldn’t ever forgive someone who threw a drink over me!

that’s just horrid behaviour , no matter what had gone on before or after it.

It was squash. Diluted water.
Obviously not pleasant but she contributed to the breakdown of DD's parents marriage.. I think she got off lightly to be honest.

Namerequired · 22/12/2024 00:52

You are going to lose one of them most likely. It’s up to you who that is. At the minute you are putting your wife before your daughter. At some point (likely when she has her own children) your daughter is going to stop contact with you.

Ladyoatcookies · 22/12/2024 00:53

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:49

I agree with what you are all saying and I am taking it all on board. I will also show my wife this thread tomorrow.

Tell her she’s disgraceful. When you marry a man with kids - and she should know this as a mother - you need to be prepared to accept them even if there are ups and downs.

It should take far more than a thrown drink to ban her from the house permanently like this. Shame on her.

Again, it’s shocking that you accepted this. I can’t imagine the pain your daughter has been in.