Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

Women throw drinks at each other all the time. Its so fucking minor in the scheme of things.

The reductive black and white thinking that comes up every time a female affair partner is mentioned is incredibly tedious. There isn’t a dividing line between “nice, good, kind” women and “trash, garbage, selfish whores who have affairs”. Newsflash: people can be selfish and thoughtless and whatever else sometimes as well as being nice and kind at other times. People contain multitudes. What’s the obsession with women having to be kind anyway? What’s actually wrong with some women being selfish and stubborn? Why don’t these silly attitudes extend to the daughter’s mum who also had an affair? I wonder, maybe because there’s a high proportion of women who’ve been cheated on here and find it easier to paint the other woman as Satan incarnate rather than accept their partners made the choice to have an affair. Yes, I’ve been cheated on. I grew out of blaming the woman by the time I was about 21.

this is sarcasm right?

Yes, to my DS since they’ve built a sort of relationship but not to DD. My ex- wife is with someone new now, but her relationship with her affair partner didn’t survive due to a similar issue with our DS not accepting him. I guess I’ve always tried to make mine work but it didn’t/can’t happen it seems.

We have always had a very united front for our children my ex wife and I despite our breakup and we come together for them a lot so they have a unit still in that sense.

Nope, you've never watched any of the Real Housewives or MAFS series I take it.

I thought acting like someone threw a drink at you is the worst unforgiveable sin was either sarcasm or batshit crazy.

I would find it hard in your daughters position to apologise to her when she's caused a lot of damage and never apologised to me.

Ah yes, Real Housewives and MAFS, those really representative and not at all staged for drama and entertainment shows. How many times do people throw drinks over you in real life?

I totally agree with this post. There is ample blame to go around here (and WOW do the other posters like to point that out). But I think the core issue is that this feud - at this point - is just awful for you and for the broader family. Thank goodness your DD sees that now. Your DW needs to see it, too. Sometimes there are situations that demand we swallow our pride and just attempt to get along with (not like, not love, not respect, not enjoy - just coexist with) someone. This is one of those situations. It’s been too long and caused too much harm. She just needs to get over it for your sake and everyone else’s sake, too.

You've been a horrible father, putting your new wife (sorry, affair partner) before your own children. I don't blame your DD. Pretty soon she'll want nothing to do with you either. Grow a spine.

I can’t believe you married this woman at the time things were so difficult with your daughter. You really should have been concentrating on making the relationships with your children better, not marrying again.

I don’t think it’s ok to throw drinks over someone, but your wife sounds very immature to not be able to put this aside.

To be honest, you have fucked your DD's life up and she deserves better than your nasty wife

Your wife is incredibly immature and selfish. A 22 year old did something completely out of character at the worst time of her life. Your wife needs to make a major effort to get over herself, reconcile with your daughter even if through gritted teeth and apologise profusely to you for being a total b tbh

Not sure what you expect to happen here. Your daughter was never going to like your new wife. (Tbh, you're lucky she was able to forgive you and her mother for tearing the family apart by cheating.)

As for your new wife, she was expecting maturity and restraint from a young woman whose life she helped up-end, yet several years later she herself still lacks the maturity to attempt to get along with your daughter. There's not much you can do except continue to see you daughter away from your wife, assuming you aren't willing to leave your petulant brat of a wife.

I don’t know about that. Maybe on telly. In real life it’s classed as assault. Imagine how shocking, cold and humiliating it would be to suddenly be drenched with sticky drink in public.

Assault with a drink. Fuck me dead some people don't know what actual assault and violence is!

Yep. The fact that the daughter, who has gone through so much, is the bigger one and try to meet half way even, says so much. OP should be proud of his daughter imo.

My calling OP's wife 'trash' and 'garbage' had absolutely nothing to do with the affair, but her treatment of OP's daughter. I would say the same thing if there were never any affair.

I’m curious as to your thoughts on you putting your wife before you child. That is incomprehensible to me but appears to be very normal for men in second marriages.
If you continue to put your wife before your child you don’t deserve to be in her life. You have let her down very badly

Your wife started a relationship with a married man.
She wrecked the stability of a 17 year old girl's home.
She now refuses to be a grown up and make amends with your daughter who sounds much more mature by the way.
You have a wife problem.
I'd be putting my daughter first if I were you.

It was foolish to have married your wife in all honesty. And what sort of woman would marry a man with children before having a good relationship with both? Your daughter will never accept your wife and have a relationship with her, too much time and hurt has passed. You have formed your relationship with your wife like you don’t have a daughter. I’d bet your relationship with your daughter is strained as well.

If the daughter of the man I'd cheated with and now married threw a drink at me, I'd be angry. I wouldn't want her around me for a while. That's understandable. But if years had passed, she'd matured, and her father/my husband asked me to try again with her for his sake, I think I'd be realistic enough to admit that she'd had her reasons for not liking me and be willing to cautiously allow her back into my life, with the understanding that if tensions began to escalate again she'd no longer be welcome in my home.

A drink thrown over you is cause for anger, but it's not as though she was throwing punches, pulling hair, or slapping.

My father chose the woman he had an affair with (and married) over me when I was 17. She manipulated him out of mine and DB's life. I never spoke to him again and he died 30 years later.

You are very lucky your DD has had the will to continue a relationship with you in spite of your awful wife.

These things happen when you bring people into your children's lives in the most destructive way possible. Your wife and daughter never stood a chance. You aren't going to get the happy ending you want with this. You are making 2 other people unhappy in pursuit of your own happiness. But unless you choose one of them and not yourself, you risk one or both of them realising that all of this is all about you and your wants. Then they will remove you from their lives.

Your nasty wife hates her. I wonder what she said to provoke your daughter into throwing her drink?