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Original poster

Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

536 replies

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:28

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2024 16:03

ChristmasEngineer · 23/12/2024 14:14

Which is why I think there is something else going on, the wife has had her way for 11 years, happy for the daughter to be estranged from her father and the father was happy to be estranged.

But now he is putting his foot down, not his daughter, he is.

I think op is growing a set of balls and something outside of this is giving him confidence.

You don't just change tack after so long from nowhere.
Maybe op has had enough of wife number 2 or he's being influenced by some other interest that will be more open to accepting his daughter.

Personally I'd be worried if I was his wife, she's losing control.

Show quote history

If he’s putting his foot down, it’s for his own comfort, not that of either his DD or his DW. If he cared a jot about the situation he would have stepped up and sorted it out long before it got this far.

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 16:24

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2024 15:59

No one is denying that DD had had a rough time, but no, I really don’t think we should be ‘making allowances’ for bad behaviour - they are separate issues. Everyone has their own issues and their own problems. What kind of society would we have if we all felt we had the right to take it out on others ?

Edited
Show quote history

So answer is no. You don’t make allowances for emotional instability and disregulation following rape, pregnancy by the abuser and abortion. If you did, you would understand how trauma is more complex than “bad behaviour”.

Fair enough.

NCforNCPost · 23/12/2024 17:26

ChristmasEngineer · 23/12/2024 14:14

Which is why I think there is something else going on, the wife has had her way for 11 years, happy for the daughter to be estranged from her father and the father was happy to be estranged.

But now he is putting his foot down, not his daughter, he is.

I think op is growing a set of balls and something outside of this is giving him confidence.

You don't just change tack after so long from nowhere.
Maybe op has had enough of wife number 2 or he's being influenced by some other interest that will be more open to accepting his daughter.

Personally I'd be worried if I was his wife, she's losing control.

Show quote history

Where did you get the idea that the DF and DD have been estranged?

As far as I read they have had a good relationship over the years and the only thing that OP wants is for his DD and DW to spend boxing day together.

NCforNCPost · 23/12/2024 17:41

I can't get over the fact that he wants these two women to forge a relationship that, seemingly, neither of them wants so that he is more comfortable. He seems to swan through life expecting everyone else to bend to his will.

He could spend the day and have a fabulous time with his DD, DS and DGC anywhere, it's the people who matter not the geography of where it takes place.

Rosscameasdoody · 23/12/2024 18:11

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 07:46

Tell me your an OW without telling me…

Show quote history

Nope, sorry. Married at 19 for forty happy years to a single man and never strayed throughout. I don’t condone cheating, but I also don’t condone laying the entire blame for this situation at the door of DW. There’s more to this than meets the eye. OP hasn’t exactly covered himself in glory either - why wait eleven years to try to facilitate a resolution ? For his own comfort I’d guess - if he actually gave a toss he’d have sorted it out well before it got to this stage.

TheCanaryInThePurpleSkirt · 23/12/2024 18:21

ChristmasEngineer · 23/12/2024 14:14

Which is why I think there is something else going on, the wife has had her way for 11 years, happy for the daughter to be estranged from her father and the father was happy to be estranged.

But now he is putting his foot down, not his daughter, he is.

I think op is growing a set of balls and something outside of this is giving him confidence.

You don't just change tack after so long from nowhere.
Maybe op has had enough of wife number 2 or he's being influenced by some other interest that will be more open to accepting his daughter.

Personally I'd be worried if I was his wife, she's losing control.

Show quote history

There will be more to this than that, I’m starting to think.

When my own SD was estranged from us for 5 years, she was invited to us on Christmas Day each year. Her siblings came, she chose not to. She didn’t want any gifts. She was making a point. I later found out from a reliable source that I, the wicked stepmother, had refused her entry, to see her dad, on Christmas day. Untrue.

What actually happened was, she came to the door with her sister (they were both adults by this time). I heard her voice at the door and called out “Merry Christmas SD!” She turned on her heels and left. Her dad was obviously upset, I was upset and my own mother told me “that’s just so silly!” There was nothing I could do. Then, I heard how devastated SD was to have been “turned away”. Her sister stayed and we had a nice day, but it put the mockers on it, obviously. Gifts were sent home for her, with her sister. Another time, the estranged SD told her sister “if you visit them, I’ll be really angry with you”.

It was absolutely awful. And SD was seen by many as a poor neglected “child” who wasn’t welcome on Christmas Day.

One story’s good ‘til another’s told.

NCforNCPost · 23/12/2024 18:28

DF and DD are not estranged!!!!!

Vivi0 · 23/12/2024 19:06

ChristmasEngineer · 23/12/2024 14:14

Which is why I think there is something else going on, the wife has had her way for 11 years, happy for the daughter to be estranged from her father and the father was happy to be estranged.

But now he is putting his foot down, not his daughter, he is.

I think op is growing a set of balls and something outside of this is giving him confidence.

You don't just change tack after so long from nowhere.
Maybe op has had enough of wife number 2 or he's being influenced by some other interest that will be more open to accepting his daughter.

Personally I'd be worried if I was his wife, she's losing control.

Show quote history

When the DD wanted nothing to do with the wife, the OP was only too happy to go along with that, and by all means, he has a great relationship with his DD, despite the fact that she refused to acknowledge his wife for 11 years or enter their home. They are certainly not estranged and have never been.

Now that it no longer suits the DD to ignore the wife’s existence, as she is feeling left out of the family dynamic with her brother and nephew, the OP is very keen to make that happen for his DD.

That is the simple reason for the change here.

The wife isn’t loosing control. The wife has had no control over any of this.

The wife has been expected to go along with whatever the DD dictates is to happen. That is how it has been for the past 11 years. That is what the OP and his DD expect to happen now, and the wife has simply said no.

TheCanaryInThePurpleSkirt · 23/12/2024 19:42

Vivi0 · 23/12/2024 19:06

When the DD wanted nothing to do with the wife, the OP was only too happy to go along with that, and by all means, he has a great relationship with his DD, despite the fact that she refused to acknowledge his wife for 11 years or enter their home. They are certainly not estranged and have never been.

Now that it no longer suits the DD to ignore the wife’s existence, as she is feeling left out of the family dynamic with her brother and nephew, the OP is very keen to make that happen for his DD.

That is the simple reason for the change here.

The wife isn’t loosing control. The wife has had no control over any of this.

The wife has been expected to go along with whatever the DD dictates is to happen. That is how it has been for the past 11 years. That is what the OP and his DD expect to happen now, and the wife has simply said no.

Show quote history

In a nutshell, I think. The DD and OP want it all to go away but, there’s work to be done. Eleven years estrangement is SD really giving it her all. No wonder OP wanted his wife to let it all go. It’s her that’s been personal non grata whilst he’s countries to have his relationship with his daughter, as he rightly should.

I’ve been right there and it’s painful.

Spangledangle · 23/12/2024 20:02

StormingNorman · 23/12/2024 15:28

Do you not make any allowances for the emotional state of women who have been raped, become pregnant by their abuser and gone through an abortion?

DD should have been treated with kid gloves at this point and nothing she did as a result of not being shown the compassion she deserved should be held against her. Not for a minute.

When the squash was thrown the wife should have apologised for pushing her too far on the argument she (the wife) was causing.

You must be as stone-hearted as the wife.

Edited
Show quote history

I think that it's very personal and unnecessary for you to make assumptions about my character. I do however agree with you that at the time it should have been handled better given the circumstances the daughter found herself in . My point was that whatever the reasons were at the time you now have 2 hurt people many years on, and both should be gracious to each other and move forward. I get the impression that for some women it's OK to leave your husband but never ok no matter what age your children are to leave your wife. It's very double standards. Both parents In this case had affairs at the same time- the marriage was over. To me the affair is not the issue here. it's the way they proceeded forward that has caused a lot of this mess.

NCforNCPost · 24/12/2024 00:27

OP said he was showing his wife this thread today.....what a way to try and sort out a really delicate and fragile situation.

IdylicDay · 24/12/2024 01:40

His wife has had all the power for 11 years and kept OP's daughter out of her father's home. She has had total control for 11 years. This is obvious when OP said he doubted his wife would allow his grandchildren to go to the home, either.

MsDogLady · 24/12/2024 03:45

What are you thinking about it all now, @Rokubox?

the7Vabo · 24/12/2024 07:37

Vivi0 · 23/12/2024 19:06

When the DD wanted nothing to do with the wife, the OP was only too happy to go along with that, and by all means, he has a great relationship with his DD, despite the fact that she refused to acknowledge his wife for 11 years or enter their home. They are certainly not estranged and have never been.

Now that it no longer suits the DD to ignore the wife’s existence, as she is feeling left out of the family dynamic with her brother and nephew, the OP is very keen to make that happen for his DD.

That is the simple reason for the change here.

The wife isn’t loosing control. The wife has had no control over any of this.

The wife has been expected to go along with whatever the DD dictates is to happen. That is how it has been for the past 11 years. That is what the OP and his DD expect to happen now, and the wife has simply said no.

Show quote history

Or simply the daughter is no longer a child or young adult as she was when both her parents dissolved home and moved in with their affair partners. She has grown up and is prepared to try to move on.

The DD isn’t the one who had the control in this situation. Presumably she didn’t ask 4 adults to have affairs and break up her family home as she was in her final and most important years in school.

Rosscameasdoody · 24/12/2024 07:54

NCforNCPost · 24/12/2024 00:27

OP said he was showing his wife this thread today.....what a way to try and sort out a really delicate and fragile situation.

Which is what makes me think there’s a lot more to all of this. If he was so intent on resolving things why didn’t he make the effort 11 years ago ? He seems tone deaf to the effects on both DD and DW, which makes me think the resentment on both sides has been fuelled by his lack of support for either of them, until it suits him.

Colourfulduvets · 24/12/2024 08:34

If he does show her I hope we get an update. In fact, I hope there is an update full stop. Plenty of good advice has been shared on this thread.

NCforNCPost · 24/12/2024 12:56

Rosscameasdoody · 24/12/2024 07:54

Which is what makes me think there’s a lot more to all of this. If he was so intent on resolving things why didn’t he make the effort 11 years ago ? He seems tone deaf to the effects on both DD and DW, which makes me think the resentment on both sides has been fuelled by his lack of support for either of them, until it suits him.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh yeah, definitely there is more to this.

I'm not even sure the OP is the DF, reads more like the DD.

Sceptical123 · 24/12/2024 15:30

Vivi0 · 22/12/2024 22:30

Oh, wow. This thread is an absolute shitshow.

The OP’s daughter has chosen not to have any kind of relationship with the OP’s wife for 11 years. 11 YEARS!

She ignored the wife’s existence for 4 years. Threw a drink over her. And then ignored her existence again for a further 7 years.

The thread has descended into absolute fantasy about the wife instigating an argument with the DD, harrassing and abusing her and preventing her from having a relationship with her father.

There is nothing in the OP’s posts to suggest that at all. In fact, the OP and his DD have been happy to have a parallel relationship until this point.

It seems like the wife is completely over being ignored by the DD, has accepted this as the status quo and is understandably not willing to now jump to the DD’s demand that the past 11 years be simply put behind them now that it doesn’t suit her. The OP’s son and grandson seem to have an amicable enough relationship with the wife.

If the DD is feeling “left out” of the family, it is entirely of her own doing. It is not something that can be fixed overnight, and making small talk with the OP’s wife at a family gathering after 11 years of silence is not the way to do it.

Edited

Then why does OP’s wife say she’s happy to meet then ignore / cancel last minute? If she’s accepted status quo then surely she’d tell her husband she’s ignoring his daughter when confronted by her and she’s not welcome full stop. Though as it’s house as well why should she dictate who visits him?

whathaveiforgotten · 24/12/2024 15:46

@vivi0

OP's wife agreed to speak to the daughter at a specific time. Then ignored her.

She also agreed for her to come on Boxing Day. Then changed her mind.

Why is she agreeing to contact the ignoring her / uninviting her?

Cornettoninja · 24/12/2024 15:49

Why is she agreeing to contact the ignoring her / uninviting her?

thats what’s stood out to me too. It very much points to a person who has no issue with being bothered by thoughts of consequences on others. It’s a highly unlikeable trait in anyone and would be enough for me to steer clear of them completely. And I hope the dd concerned does because this game playing drama isn’t going anywhere.

Vivi0 · 24/12/2024 16:02

whathaveiforgotten · 24/12/2024 15:46

@vivi0

OP's wife agreed to speak to the daughter at a specific time. Then ignored her.

She also agreed for her to come on Boxing Day. Then changed her mind.

Why is she agreeing to contact the ignoring her / uninviting her?

Because she feels pressured by her husband into doing something that she doesn’t want to do. Clearly.

NCforNCPost · 24/12/2024 16:08

whathaveiforgotten · 24/12/2024 15:46

@vivi0

OP's wife agreed to speak to the daughter at a specific time. Then ignored her.

She also agreed for her to come on Boxing Day. Then changed her mind.

Why is she agreeing to contact the ignoring her / uninviting her?

We won't ever know unless the DW tells us but we can speculate I suppose. If these things were done deliberately then the DW is bang out of order and he should go ahead and have his DD come over regardless. If it all kicks off let it, maybe it will clear the air.

The fact that the first time was at a family party in front of all those people who know they haven't spoken for years and years maybe it was all just a bit too much.

The boxing day thing could easily be that she was willing to do this for her DH then he was a complete arsehole to her (he comes across as a bellend to me) and she's thought "fuckit" why am I bothering.... maybe it was originally arranged for an hour and now he's expecting her to serve them all a 3 course dinner....

The truth is we don't know, it's easy to point the finger and some of us will be projecting.

I don't think either of those events were a great way for a first meet to bury the hatchet, a short meet somewhere neutral, away from everyone else. No need to bring up the past but the two women could talk and agree to try and make things work.

Rosscameasdoody · 25/12/2024 08:19

whathaveiforgotten · 24/12/2024 15:46

@vivi0

OP's wife agreed to speak to the daughter at a specific time. Then ignored her.

She also agreed for her to come on Boxing Day. Then changed her mind.

Why is she agreeing to contact the ignoring her / uninviting her?

Because she feels under pressure to do it. DD hasn’t wanted a relationship with DW for eleven years. DW hasn’t wanted one with DD. These two women appear happy not to be in each other's lives. But OP is tired of having to make the effort to maintain his relationship with DD by himself, so now that his DD wants to be part of the family again, he is bringing pressure to bear to resolve it. I think DD has been calling the shots throughout and DW knows it, which is why she’s refusing to go along with it.

StormingNorman · 25/12/2024 10:55

Vivi0 · 24/12/2024 16:02

Because she feels pressured by her husband into doing something that she doesn’t want to do. Clearly.

Show quote history

Not that pressured because she backs out. Clearly.

The obvious answer is that she’s your everyday basic bitch who enjoys playing mind games and controlling @Rokubox

NCforNCPost · 25/12/2024 11:21

StormingNorman · 25/12/2024 10:55

Not that pressured because she backs out. Clearly.

The obvious answer is that she’s your everyday basic bitch who enjoys playing mind games and controlling @Rokubox

Show quote history

If that were true you have to ask why the DD is so keen to be friends with this bitch who enjoys playing mind games and is controlling......I'd be keeping well away for good.