Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

strictly speaking her own mum had the affair first

Your daughter should have always come before an affair partner, regardless if you are now married

To be honest you are both dicks and the more you continue to support your wife’s behaviour towards your daughter the more you will push her away for good

Your wife is lucky that it was just some squash that went over her

No, they hadn’t spoken until that hello at the party. I would never force DD to apologise. I see the wider context I guess and I knew it would be futile at the time. I also wouldn’t expect her to apologise after 7 years but thought a hello and just small talk might have been the start of a bridge.

and the daughter is lucky the wife didnt press chargers for assault

It doesn't matter who had the affair first. Both parents are in the wrong and I'm sure it's a lot more detailed and complex than we know from this one short post.
The questions really isn't whether it was bad of the daughter to throw the drink (which is was) - the question is is the wife in the wrong for not only not accepting the olive brand from DD but also escalating the situation and causing further division

Your poor DD. She definitely won’t forgive you for not putting your foot down about her being welcome in your home once it sinks in, agree probably when she has children, so that’s the most important thing for you to bear in mind. None of the original adults look very mature on this thread tbh. DD was 22. A 22 year-olds brain is not adult.

It's very unattractive to hold a grudge for this long when she knows how the situation is affecting you and the aggravating factors for DD at the time. She doesn't sound like a terribly pleasant person.

The part I would find most difficult is the way that she said it was time to move on and then slighted your DD when she had agreed to be constructive and DD reached out to her. Refusing to participate would have been bad enough but that seems so needlessly selfish and hurtful.

In terms of who has shit on who the most, you and your wife have prioritised your own happiness at DD's expense in a way that has deeply affected her. While it wouldn't be helpful to parent out of guilt, it's also unhelpful that your wife is taking a moral high ground that she simply doesn't have the right to. Having your family break up is like having a vat of burning oil tipped over you and she also contributed to that.

I am unclear why you would have married this woman. I think I would insist that she takes herself out for the afternoon so your DD can come around if she is unwilling to be pleasant to her. It's not just her home. It's also your home and you shouldn't have your DD feeling like she can never be welcome there. If she won't agree to it, she can always leave you - there is nothing stopping her from taking that option.

Disagree with most of the responses here. EVERYONE in this scenario is a dick. You, for having an affair, your daughter for throwing the drink, and your wife for refusing to accept the daughter’s olive branch. Your wife however did not break up your family. OP and his ex wife did that by both having affairs! I wish we’d stop this misogyny against women who partake in affairs, sure, it’s not a great thing to do to start a relationship with a married person but they’re not the ones who signed the marriage register. I’m not seeing similar hate for OP’s mum’s other man!

I don’t think there’s any justification for throwing the drink, regardless of what was happening in the daughter’s life at the time. It’s deranged behaviour and the sort of thing I would’ve done when I had unmedicated and untreated BPD. But your daughter has had the humility to apologise and attempt to make amends and your wife should in an ideal world respect that. However, your daughter is nearly 30 - it would be ridiculous to leave your wife over this. You might just have to accept they’re never going to have a relationship.

Agree. And the answer is ‘yes she is’.

Oh so she hasn’t apologised? I take back what I said then, she’s still a dick!

Spot on 👏

Your wife is behaving like a petulant child.
Also, I’m astonished and disgusted that you proceeded to marry a woman who had upset & hurt your daughter so much.

Your wife is cruel - to you and to your DD.

What benefit does she bring to your life, exactly?

Time for another affair

I agree. It’s just misogyny.

Your wife sounds like she’s jealous of your relationship with your daughter and is spiteful for wanting to continue the rift for so long. She had an affair with a married man with children which kicked this off in the first place, so she has a track record of poor judgement, selfishness and questionable behaviour.

It doesn’t really matter what either your wife or your daughter really think about each other deep down, if they both love you and care for you they should want to make every effort to get on for your and the wider family’s sake.

Me and my DMIL have been pretty vile to each other on occasion over the years but we have always patched things up for the sake of my DH, DFIL and DC’s. Maintaining a feud is just selfish and does no one any good.

Your DD sees this, your DW doesn’t. It is your house as much as it is your DW’s and you should be able to have anyone you want in your house. I think you should get a lot firmer with your DW.

Imagine if you keep tip-toeing around your wife and you eventually lose your dd and any future grandchildren. Is that what you want?

If not, leave your wife. Your DD has put in the effort and your wife has behaved appallingly.
She sounds like an absolute horror.
I feel so bad for your dd losing her dad to this woman.

Very shocked that you said that you are concerned that any DGC from your DD also wouldn't be allowed in your home because of the DW. Why should any future GC be treated in this way?

I absolutely agree with @Ratisshortforratthew

Oh, so her father had nothing to do with the marriage breakdown, just his now wife? And her mother also having an affair had nothing to do with it either?
A 22 year old who throws a drink over someone, no matter what it is, would need to do some serious apologising before I would have anything to do with her, and at the time, not several years later. Before you start, yes I have had affairs and divorce in my family background, but somehow I managed to remain civil and not throw drinks around.

Your wife is absolute trash to treat your poor daughter like that. Pure garbage. She sounds like she enjoys fucking with people's minds then refusing to do what she said after getting people's hopes up. Having a drink thrown at you is very minor. Throw her back in the gutter where she belongs. Blood is thicker than water. She is absolute pure garbage and worthless as a person. You deserve better.

I can't believe all this drama over a glass of squash. If I could choose between my parents splitting due to affairs and both parents moving in with the person they were cheating with, vs having a drink thrown at me, I would choose 1000 drinks. It's completely incomparable.

Thank you all again, I just wanted to be completely honest. I am worried, I don’t want to lose my daughter- I also don’t want to lose my wife. Of course I’m desperate to find a middle ground but perhaps need to accept that one cannot be found. I came on here expecting judgement but also for advice to move forward.

DD was wrong for throwing the drink and she didn’t get off lightly. She got a lot of messages from my family members who were there who disapproved of what she had done (cousins, aunts) and my wife’s son messaged her as well. I, admit, was less harsh on her. She’s my daughter and she struggled at the time. I don’t want to air her laundry but she had just had an abortion following a SA weeks before. She’s refused to apologise and I didn’t push it because of what I put her through (divorce) and because of what she had been through. My wife was never happy I didn’t force an apology.

it’s just it’s been almost 8 years now, everyone is different and older and wiser and I was hoping I guess for my sake the most (wrongly or rightly) that things could move forward.

Has your wife ever apologised to your children for the part she played in tearing their childhood and family apart?