Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

“Your wife threatens to leave” show her the door. It’s not like this happened yesterday it was years ago and your daughter from what you are saying has tried to make amends. Don’t be stuck in the middle. Your wife is being a real dick about this she either tries to find it in her heart to forgive or she’s done.

It’s also horrid and self-defeating behavior not to try to forgive and move on when it’s the interests of all parties. Bit pathetic TBH

Did/does your wife know your daughter was raped mere weeks before she threw the drink on your wife and that she conceived a child through that rape and had an abortion? It's not nice to have a drink thrown over you but you have to be pretty damn heartless to hold a grudge given the situation.

What sort of behaviour have you put up with from her sons? You say they've many times given you a hard time so it seems like you wife is a hypocrite.

Why has she only acknowledged this and apologised to your ds?

Tbh your wife sounds like a narcissist. To know that she's been 1/4 of the reason why dds family was ruined, that she'd been through two such recent and brutal traumas in short succession and to then say she'd make amends only to humiliate your dd in front of people? It sounds like your wife was embarrassed by the drink throwing in front of others and she wanted to take the opportunity to spite dd and embarrass her in front of others as well - petty and nasty. At least your dd had an excuse for her behaviour, your wife just sounds like she's been spiteful. And to then agree to your dd coming on boxing day to then uninvite her again sounds like being petty and self centered. I'm not sure how good a wife she is when she's forcing you into a position to choose her over your dd, but then maybe she got a kick out of you choosing her over your family first time round and likes to see you choose her over them again and again - which you've been playing along with. You've repeatedly chosen this woman over your dd and her wellbeing for the last 13 years. My guess is she doesn't want to share you with any other woman including your dd and is quite a jealous and controlling person. I wouldn't still be with someone who made me choose between them and my ds and gc. I cannot believe you've gone along with that for so long your poor dd. I can't imagine what that would do to your self worth.

No one covers themselves in glory, but I think the wife is most in the wrong.

I think in the wider context of DD going through some really dark times, the wife should have let the lack of apology slip. She's done much worse to DD (splitting up her parents), is the older person, and chose to be with a man with kids.

I think it was reasonable after that incident for neither of them to want to spend time with each other.

Making up with her DF's affair partner was a big thing for DD. She might be an adult, but when it comes to your parents, most people revert to being a kid. The fact she tried to extend an olive branch twice and had the branch whacked over her head twice is just really spiteful. I don't blame DD for never wanting a relationship with the wife now.

If the wife had said she didn't want to see DD, I think that might have just about been OK as that would have been her protecting herself. But by acting so spitefully, she's actively sought to harm DD. That moves from indifference to your husband's kids to cruelty to them.

@Rokubox You said you didn't want to air DD's 'dirty laundry'. How much does your wife actually know?

If someone had acted poorly towards me, I wouldn't want to see them again. If I found out that they had gone through such a massive trauma just beforehand, I'd forgive them, even if they weren't my stepchild. I don't understand how any woman knowing a younger woman had been suicidal and sexually assaulted would not find the empathy to forgive her for poor behaviour. If your wife knows about your DD's trauma, honestly, I think you should have broken up at the time.

So... how much does she know?

@Rokubox
What your DD did technically is indeed assault, but I belive your wife is more angry about the humiliation in front of her family rather than the assault, that in itself isn't necessarily a unreasonable feeling even years later in my opinion

But!

Fact is you destroyed the family you had with her, sure your DD was 22 at the time, but fact is they didn't meet for 4 years, barely talked for 5 months, and then had an argument, it's just my assumption, but I don't think most peoppe would simply throw the water for no reason, especially since your daughter was trying to build bridge, am I wrong to assume your wife tried to give too much opinion as if she gets an actual saying on your DD life? I belive that would piss any child who had their family ruined.

Even if we just take the situation like this it's still too much to hold this grudge for 7 years when your DD position was pretty understandable, I belive most reasonable adult would be angry for a while, understand her side, and eventually let it go.

I feel the real problem is the part I'll write now, and I do hope the people taking the wife side takes a minute to think about what I'll say.

Any child will have a extremely hard position if their parents cheated and ruined the family, fact is besides what I explained above, your daughter was struggling with possible suicide, with depression, probably still is struggling with depression really, was fucking sexually assaulted and had an abortion, I'm honestly surprised she even tried to build bridges when she was going through such extremely rough time.

I feel any reasonable adult would see how she's at a extremely vulnerable time and would simply let the issue go, yeah your wife was humiliated in front of her family, but your daughter was already vulnerable and I sure as hell don't see her lashing out unless she felt attacked or threatened by you wife when she was already hurt due the SA.

But of course all these situations can go to any direction depending on the people involved, I feel what really puts me against your wife is that it's been 7 years and she's still holding that grudge.

Let me put it like this:
DD - might attempt suicide, depression, abortion
Wife - water throw at her and humiliated in front of her family

The fact that it's been 7 years and she's basically "me me me I was assaulted!" while your DD at the time was SA victim tell me everything I need to know about your wife.

Yeah, your wife technically was assaulted and your DD never apologized for that, but she acting as if she's a poor victim of assault when your daughter literally suffered SA is pathetically selfish and self centered from her, I'm surprised your daughter still tried building a bridge even if it's 7 years later since she has all reason to hate you and your wife.

Also, you're always going to be a parent first and foremost, your duty to your children always should come first, you have to accept a relationship between you DD and wife might simply not work since your wife is so petty as to hold a 7 year grudge against a 22 year old, which for many would still be considered a child, everything else just makes your wife a even worse person.

If you have children with your wife then don't involve your DD with you yout wife if things continue like this, if you don't have children with her then your DD is your priority, you're trying, she's trying, only your wife isn't trying, which side to choose is pretty clear in my opinion.

Sorry the rant （ﾉ´д｀）

I Was on the wife’s side right up until I read that the op discussed the meet up/time to bury the hatchet with the wife and SHE AGREED, only to then go back on it when the time came.

That was a mean and calculated move to embarrass the daughter and continue the animosity. Why agree if you know you are still so angry about it?!? Once you agree, you follow through. If someone threw drink on me I’d not really want anything more to do with them but what I won’t do is say yes to resolving it and then stir up more trouble again. It’s just back to square one with new crap added on to the already difficult situation.

There’s something worrying about an adult who won’t forgive a fairly trivial argument after 7 years. Yet her own children could be rude and that’s ok?
Your wife has no empathy with your daughter who was struggling mentally and yet she ( wife) probably contributed to that struggle by splitting up her parents.
I wonder how she’ll treat you as you age, maybe become ill, frail. She sounds lovely.

At first I was mildly sympathetic towards your wife because no one should have a drink thrown at them like that but…

… not only doesn’t she want your DD in the house, but you’re already aware she probably wouldn’t want her children in the house too??

That woman is a shameless snake.

But most importantly, shame on you for letting that woman trample all over your daughter like that.

The young woman was 22 at the time. Utterly childish behaviour but forgivable in my opinion. OP, you have a wife problem. More likely you personally have a problem for not being able to stand up for your child. Agreeing to meet and then refusing to say hello is completely out of order. She is not the woman you think she is . She is cruel and duplicitous.

I wouldn't be breaking bread with any adult who figured they had the right to throw a drink over me, and especially in front of my family- nope.

It's amazing she can overlook her mom's affair/ affair partner and you, while giving herself permission to piss over your wife / affair partner. Nah. She grown enough to understand that actions have consequences, and this is hers.

The only thing I think your wire has done wrong is promising to make up then changing her mind twice. She's not obligated to get past this behaviour anymore than if you'd thrown a drink over her.

You choose your own happiness when she was a teenager. The affair started when she was say 16? Really you have put your wife first since then.
You made the choice.

Wow, what a peach you chose to have an affair with. I think being partly responsible for the breaking up of her family is less forgivable than a squash shower and your 'DW' is still continually trying to alienate your affections. I'm pretty shocked you've allowed this to continue, then casually drop in her DSs have done worse to you.

My take away from this is that at the time of the drink incident you didn't support your wife very well.

I sense quite a pile on re: this thread against her and to a degree I understand that from you have posted that might seem she should be more willing to bury the past than she is.

But.....an alternative narrative is that you've painted a very one sided picture here. That she knows if she engages with your DD again she's exposing herself to being treated poorly and you ignoring that.

A lot of posters here are pointing the blame at your wife, when personally I think it sits firmly with you.

You have poorly navigated this issue for the best part of a decade and allowed the "blame" to sit with your wife when the reality is you've taken the path of least resistance in every respect to suit your own agenda - hell even now your posts scream "poor me".

Honestly, everyone is focusing on the behaviour of your wife, but I’m really upset by YOUR behaviour. Yes, your wife is being awful right now. Yes, it is actually unreasonable to hold a grudge against someone who had only recently been raped (furthermore, why was she arguing with your daughter over a uni course in the first place? 1. That’s not her place- it’s none of her business what uni course your daughter wanted to take, that’s for parents to discuss with their child and your wife is certainly not her mother and 2. Why on earth would she get into an argument with a rape victim. 4 weeks post abortion is actually not the time to start to harass your stepdaughter about her university course choice). But what seriously disturbs me is the fact that you have allowed your wife to treat your daughter like this. By doing so, you have shown your daughter that

1. you believe that it’s ok for her to be ignored, bad mouthed and literally banned from your house and therefore
2. she deserves this treatment (whatever your wife says, no she doesn’t. Your wife is perfectly justified to feel upset about the drink, I bet that was horrible. Your wife is not justified to continue to be rude to your daughter and literally ban her from the house) and therefore
3. its ok for the people she loves to abuse her, or tacitly accept her abuse/ill treatment.

My lovely mother was treated in a similar way by her stepmother, and what really fucked her up wasn’t her stepmother’s abuse, but the fact that her father just watched it all happen and never intervened. Your wife is a woman she doesn’t know and doesn’t like. You are her FATHER. I think it’s really good that you’re trying to make amends now and honestly good on your for that but man that’s rough for her.

your wife doesn’t have to be friends with your daughter. It doesn’t sound like your daughter wants to see her regularly, and even though your wife frankly doesn’t sound very nice, a drink was thrown on her and I don’t think she has to be friends with your daughter either. Doesn’t sound like there’s going to be a heartfelt apology and loving hug between the two anytime soon so here’s my proposal of a more reasonable solution:

1. your wife must be civil to your daughter. She has to greet your daughter cordially and politely. She doesn’t have to go past that and minor small talk. Absolutely no nasty comments, no attempts to exclude your daughter from conversation.
2. your daughter has to be allowed into your house (which tbh she might not want to after all that’s happened). While she’s at your house, your wife can stay out of her way/doesn’t have to talk to her, but equally cannot deliberately make your daughter feel uncomfortable or awkward.
3. your wife cannot play manipulative games with your daughter. This is a form of emotional abuse and absolutely unacceptable. Either your daughter can come over, or not. No changing minds, no ‘she can only come over for half an hour and then she has to leave’. Your daughter should be allowed to come if your wife fully agreed, and she should fully participate in the celebration.

The wife has had one unpleasant incident to deal with. The daughter had a LOT on her plate. I don't like to generalise but find it interesting the wife can forge a relationship with the son but isn't adult enough to engage with the daughter. I am fascinated by your take here

I have just read all your replys op. So at the time your daughter had not long had an abortion after sa ! But she had countless family members and your step son sending her angry messages. Over a cup of squash!
What made her chuck the juice on your wife?
You sound like an awful family .
What support and understanding did you give at the time? Because it wasn't to stand by her . You again choose your own happiness and your new wife's.

Your wife is a controlling bitch who clearly doesn’t want the best for you. If she loved you for you instead of for her own gain, she would care about you having a good relationship with your daughter.

I would end things with your wife. She's gone back on her word repeatedly, not acknowledged that your daughter has grown up, changed, and apologized and was suffering from a serious depression and asault. She's also not prioritizing you and is seriously manipulative. Pretty cut and dry.

Once again, did OP and his former wife have nothing to do with tearing their childhood and family apart (which is all very dramatic btw, not to mention that the 'children' were actually teens at the time).

Honestly, some of you sound deranged.

I would see your DD and let your wife leave. Simple.

This thread is batshit. She doesn't have to speak to the daughter or she doesn't want to. It seems wife blanked her which I more civil than I would be to somebody who threw a drink at me.

The biggest problem is that you have endorsed this behaviour for 7 years. You haven't stepped in or tried to repair things so it's been left to grow like a tumor. You also are expecting your wife to now drop this suddenly at the whim or your daughter, presumably you supported daughter not speaking to your wife but you won't support your wife not speaking to your daughter? Even after 7 years of this being the status quo.

They are never going to get on. You don't have to pick between them as some lunatics are suggesting, you have to settle for work arounds and situations that they can both tolerate.

The daughter has tried to bridge the gap, the step mother humiliated her publicly. How anyone can say a step mother doesn't have to speak to a woman years after a solitary incident of bad behaviour when the daughter had been sa and had an abortion is beyond my comprehension tbh. Don't marry people if you don't want to have a relationship with their children.

This is such a good point. Someone upthread asked if the dd had apologised. I’m wondering if the OW ever apologised for contributing to the break up of the parent’s marriage. Throwing a drink over your wife wasn’t an ok thing to do. Your wife as a mature adult, however, should have known better than to goad a traumatised young woman.

I forgot to add, your dd should be more important to you. I couldn’t ever imagine living like this. My 16 yo is my world. I know it’s different as mine is not yet an adult. But still, I couldn’t imagine being with someone, who would be so ignorant of my child and so petty 7 years on.

Your wife is pathetic. She is putting her own ego before sense and most importantly, your vital family connections.

if you ever want a relationship with your future grandchildren you need to drop her.