Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

DD’s doing it at the request of her Dad. You don’t need to ask; it’s in the OP’s posts.

It’s natural and understandable for a teenager to hate the people who helped break up her parents’ marriage. The adults need to work on regaining their children’s trust.

The affair partners have no excuse for disliking the children. It’s their responsibility to try to make amends to the children they’ve hurt.

It’s unfortunate that OP stayed with his affair partner. She is clearly a selfish and vindictive woman, with no sense of remorse or responsibility for the pain she has caused.

My memory isn't great sorry, you're right, I read it again.

"I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her."

I suppose this shows how different we all are, if I were the OP and my DD hated my wife like that, I would never request that she force a relationship for my benefit (especially as I'd been a shit DF) I'd be telling DS that we're off to DD's house this Boxing Day and leave the DW on her todd.

Seems it's the women that are expected to bend and yield to this man's wishes regardless of how they might feel.

The middle paragraph! There were 4 adults in this situation all busy playing away.

You don’t get to help break up a marriage and then refuse to deal with the emotional consequences for the children.

@NCforNCPost

If that were true you have to ask why the DD is so keen to be friends with this bitch who enjoys playing mind games and is controlling......I'd be keeping well away for good.

She's hardly 'so keen' is she? She's obviously making the effort for her dad. And presumably would like to be allowed into her own father's home again.

No point reading on...just this.

And this is the point. She doesn’t want to do it, neither does DW. I get the feeling DD isn’t particularly bothered by not being allowed into OP’s home - neither woman wants a relationship with the other. OP is trying to force it for his own ends. It’s nothing to do with trying to reconcile them - he’s just fed up having to make more of an effort to see his DD than he would like.

DD may not want a relationship with OW but it will be extremely hurtful that she isn’t able to visit her dad in his home because he won’t stand up for her.

Why does it matter where they spend time together? DF already visits DD in her house.

These two women don't ever have to meet and pretend to like each other to make life easier for him.

Sometimes family members just don't like each other, for whatever reason.
Surely the best way round it is to live your life around that, have as little contact as possible, be understanding that not everyone has the same feelings, others may love them, just because you don't, you don't have to make life hard for others.

I think your family is already beyond repair and this was caused you and your ex’s affairs in one of the most crucial times of your children’s lives. They have had to adjust a lot. This was my life and I could never really forgive my mother for forcing a new man on me in that manner.