Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

[Rokubox]

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

Please don't, unless you want to make a bad situation considerably worse.

Ha! Throwing a drink at the worst time of her life, compared to your wife having involvement in breaking up her family.. how ridiculous. Your wife needs to grow up and see the bigger picture and work to make amends for you.

So your ex wife had the humility and maturity to accept her ds’s wishes and you did not with your dd. Your daughter sees this and if you don’t start to choose her for once, you will lose her. Especially once she had children. She will not understand your decision then.

Having a child dregs up a lot of unresolved pain from your own past and childhood and it sounds as if your dd has a lot. For starters you and your ex broke the family up at a really sensitive time, around GCSE year, no? Probably the most stressful time in any teen’s life.

I really don’t see a United front with you and your ex for your dc’s here. If you did, you wouldn’t have married a woman, who has decided she can’t get on with your dd.

How can reconcile your dd being further abused and traumatised by this barrage of texts from your family members including your wife’s son after she was raped and had recently had an abortion? How can you reconcile your wife humiliating your dd after all this time, twice. The drink throwing was a symptom of her trauma, not a malicious act by the sound of it.

Ditch the wife

No the daughter hasn't. Mending things means actually apologizing for her bad behavior.
OP set his wife up.
The reasonable assumption being told daughter wants to mend the relationship, will you forgive her is that the daughter is finally going to apologize. The wife was willing to accept the apology and move on. The daughter saying hello with no apology is not extending anything but another fuck you to the wife.

She can't apologise if she can't get past hello with the wife, can she?

His ex wife had an affair the year before they split…both parents had affairs.

Fuck this is a tough one. Tell them both separately you love them very much and need them to tolerate each other. What else can you do?

The past is the past. Both you and your ex wife have moved on and are now, presumably, civil. Your wife is being petty. Your daughter has offered an olive branch and the least she could do is accept. They don't have to become bosom buddies but could be cordial. Your daughter is a grown woman now, she was a teenager when she threw the glass of water and it was during a row. There is such a thing as forgiveness! Hanging on to grudges eats away at the person holding the grudge - and this will poison your relationship.

I am sorry for you and your daughter. I honestly do not know how you navigate from here, op. Is your relationship with wife a happy one apart from this issue?

(As an aside, you do not say if your wife or your ex's husband have children and, if so, how they get on, or everyone gets on.)

Good idea. Find out if she sees it the same way. Are there other things you don't know about? Throwing a drink at anyone is crass, but she was 22 and hurting and your wife should have been the better person. If your daughter is willing to work at it now, your wife should behave like an adult.

Not sure why everyone is calling your wife vile. How rude and unfair. There are always two sides. Do NOT show your wife this thread. Well not unless you want to end up divorced.
Instead why not give up on Boxing Day. Respect your Wife and talk to her properly and respectfully. If needed get some family therapy arranged.
Honestly, showing her this thread with the unsubstantiated opinions of strangers who don’t know the full story (myself included) would be beyond daft.

I assume your wife knew you were married? Being a 17 year old girl is a very vulnerable time in someone’s life.
Your wife should be the one apologising to your daughter and so should you.
Leaving any other trauma aside if I’d broken up the family of two teenagers, orange squash is the least I’d expect.

It I were you wife I’d like to think I’d have the decency to feel some shame around the children of the man whose marriage I helped dissolve. You broke up their home & their family unit. You and your ex made vows to each other and you went onto have two children who should have been your number one responsibility. But at a time in their lives when your children were coming to the end of school, exams, starting out in life you were both playing away.

And your daughter has an emotional reaction to all the pressure she is under including serious trauma and this is how your wife reacts?!

Your wife is embarrassed about being covered in squash but not by her own, and your, conduct in having the affair. Says it all.
She needs to get over it. I'd have thrown more than squash.

Your daughter behaved badly by chucking the drink over your wife but your wife’s behaviour is even worse because after several years when your daughter tried to make things right, wife agreed to beforehand and then backed out when the time came. That’s really nasty and vindictive behaviour. If she didn’t want to forgive ever, that’s up to her, but to mess about like that, drawing out the drama and deliberately making everything worse, tells you a lot about her as a person.

She must be very confident in her relationship with you though, that you will take her side over your daughter’s. Do you think you will? I don’t see the point of showing her this thread. A load of comments from strangers on the internet saying that she’s in the wrong is highly unlikely to change her position on this. Why can’t you tell your wife what you really think about all this? What are you afraid of will happen?

Nope, the wife needs to see it and I don't care what people say. This is one of those occasions the person needs to see the thread.

You haven't read the posts. OPs wife WON'T ALLOW the daughter to apologise to her. OP's wife wouldn't even LISTEN TO HELLO.

Exactly! Some simply have not read all the OP posts before replying.

I'm sorry if you've already answered this and I've missed it, but has your daughter actually apologised for what she did or has it just been swept under the carpet? Honestly, most people would want a genuine apology to be able to put it behind them and move on... https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/apology-language

For those saying the wife won't allow an apology, surely we all know about the gift of email and pen/paper?

I agree with you there. Op needs to read it as well, 10 times over, and see how he has contributed to this situation. He chose to marry his affair partner when his ex wife did not. As a result, it is he and the wife, who should be offering profuse olive branches and care to someone, who was a child and going through really tough years at 16/17. This really should have been sorted out years ago. I fear he will just bury his head in the sand again, like he has for all these years.

That does not justify the OP's wife pursuing a married man! If I was OP's daughter, a thrown drink would be the very lightest thing I'd do to her! OP's wife got off way too easy with a meagre lousy drink thrown. If she had an affair with my father AND then tried to dare think he has a right to speak to me about uni preferences, after having only known me and seeing me twice in 5 months, I am not generally a violent person, but she'd have the mother of all bitch slaps from me. As bad as my father would be doing that, you don't get to have an affair with my father then insinuate yourself unwanted in my life, and pressure me about uni, straight after I'd been RAPED! Who the fucken hell does she think he is!!?! Throwing a drink is too good for her.

It was 8 years ago, the daughter who already had to deal with this woman helping to break up her family had also been SA. What she needed was the adults in her life to step up and act like adults yet collectively they all put their own needs first.

I think your wife is unreasonable as the olive branch is now been offered as your daughter has matured and water has passed under the bridge.

This.

Your daughter deserved to be prioritised and you let her down. I gave my poor late father sone grief in my teenage time and the man would have moved a mountain for me. When I was doing my final exams my parents supported me in every possible way. They weren’t off having affairs.

Wow, so the father rewards and gives into this hateful, vile, vindictive and spiteful bitch who is keeping a father and daughter apart? What is wrong with you?!? No way should the OP give up on Boxing Day, he should give up on that bit of garbage he married, show her this, file for divorce immediately, and go to his daughter and ask her for forgiveness. That you want to reward a manipulative, evil, spiteful and vindictive evil stepmother is breathtaking. Throw the evil stepmother in the gutter where she belongs, put her in the reject box.... on Boxing Day.

Boxing Day would be a great day to pack up this marriage in a box and throw it out. A great metaphor.

I'd have thrown more than squash.

Me too!