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Original poster

Wife won’t forgive my daughter.

536 replies

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:28

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

OP posts:
BefuddledCrumble · 22/12/2024 00:54

Moonlightstars · 22/12/2024 00:31

Your wife is an utter dick.

Agreed.

Although I will add that OP is also a dick for marrying someone who helped him to cause so much distress and trauma to his daughter (so is the mum for doing it to her son).

Shitty selfish parents all round. Shame for the children, that's the sort of stuff that destroys all lovely childhood memories and leaves them shaken well into adulthood.

2chocolateoranges · 22/12/2024 00:56

wantnoscrubs · 22/12/2024 00:52

It was squash. Diluted water.
Obviously not pleasant but she contributed to the breakdown of DD's parents marriage.. I think she got off lightly to be honest.

Show quote history

I couldn’t care less what was in the glass, it’s disrespectful, a loss of control and disgusting behaviour!

her mum had an affair the year before her dad, both parent need to learn self control but to throw a drink at someone is horrid. Dd needs to learn to control her temper. She wouldn’t be welcome in my home ever again!

however I personally wouldn’t get involved with anyone with children . Too much hassle navigating relationships.

wantnoscrubs · 22/12/2024 00:57

Just to add, you should be incredibly proud of your DD. To come out the side of a traumatic parental divorce, be a survivor or depression and SA, but be treated un this way and banished from her fathers home? Speechless. Agree with PP that she will likely cut contact with you if you don't act now.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2024 00:57

@Rokubox As a divorced parent of a now adult son ( he was 4 when his Dad left) your current wife is the problem.

Your Daughter is showing a lot more maturity than your current wife.

Your daughter is the important one here.
She tried to offer an olive branch and was rudely rebuffed .
🕊

OriginalUsername2 · 22/12/2024 00:58

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:49

I agree with what you are all saying and I am taking it all on board. I will also show my wife this thread tomorrow.

I don’t think that will go well! Maybe just quietly consider if any of us have a point.

Ladyoatcookies · 22/12/2024 00:58

I hope OPs daughter beats the odds but it’s very likely she will struggle with her mental health for a long time and is more likely to make poor relationship choices. Her parents have failed her.

I’m sure the depression and suicide attempt at age 22 wasn’t solely about the SA. All the trauma of her parents splitting up in such circumstances would have played a part too.

You can’t change the past Op, but you can at least try to make amends by changing from here on out.

Ladyoatcookies · 22/12/2024 00:59

wantnoscrubs · 22/12/2024 00:57

Just to add, you should be incredibly proud of your DD. To come out the side of a traumatic parental divorce, be a survivor or depression and SA, but be treated un this way and banished from her fathers home? Speechless. Agree with PP that she will likely cut contact with you if you don't act now.

It’s heartbreaking 💔 this is one of the saddest things I’ve read on Mn for a while.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2024 01:00

2chocolateoranges · 22/12/2024 00:56

I couldn’t care less what was in the glass, it’s disrespectful, a loss of control and disgusting behaviour!

her mum had an affair the year before her dad, both parent need to learn self control but to throw a drink at someone is horrid. Dd needs to learn to control her temper. She wouldn’t be welcome in my home ever again!

however I personally wouldn’t get involved with anyone with children . Too much hassle navigating relationships.

Show quote history

The Second wife has entered the chat ☝️

OriginalUsername2 · 22/12/2024 01:00

BefuddledCrumble · 22/12/2024 00:54

Agreed.

Although I will add that OP is also a dick for marrying someone who helped him to cause so much distress and trauma to his daughter (so is the mum for doing it to her son).

Shitty selfish parents all round. Shame for the children, that's the sort of stuff that destroys all lovely childhood memories and leaves them shaken well into adulthood.

Show quote history

Absolutely. Bit late now though eh.

wantnoscrubs · 22/12/2024 01:00

@oakleaffy 😂😂😂

Beechashwillowmaple · 22/12/2024 01:02

To be honest op, hearing about your wife’s current behaviour, makes me wonder what your wife said to your dd that caused the original disagreement with the drink-throwing incident and that it was possibly justified!

Not that that matters really, and not that drink-throwing is acceptable, but unless there has been miscommunications with your wife, it was very wrong of her to agree to try and make it up with your daughter and then back-track twice. She sounds very insecure and immature.

Also, given that you have been accepting of her sons, this all seems very one-sided. It’s not really a sustainable situation is it?

ImNotReallySpartacus · 22/12/2024 01:03

Has your daughter ever actually apologised to your wife?

Guest100 · 22/12/2024 01:03

You can’t force them to get along. A lot of kids refuse to interact with affair partners.

You can either continue to see your daughter outside of the house, or leave your wife.
This is up to you to sort, not your wife.

DarkAether · 22/12/2024 01:04

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:28

Going to be as honest as I can here and expect to be flamed. I had an affair 12 years ago, it lasted 4 months before it came out. I’d been married for 20 years at the time and my wife had her own affair the year before which ended but reignited. We both decided to divorce and move in with our affair partners.

Our children DD and DS were 17 and 15 at the time. It was an awful time for our kids and we tried to navigate it the best we could. We both admit we could’ve done better.

Weirdly, our DD seemed fine with her mums new partner but hated mine. Our son was and has been the opposite, hated his mums but fine with mine. Their mum my ex, is now with someone new, I have since married my wife.

DD always refused to talk to my wife (or girlfriend at the time) but eventually after 4 years agreed to meet her. They got on for about 5 months with the odd small talk and pleasantries until one day they had an argument in the kitchen. DD threw a drink over my wife, left the house and called her mum to collect her. DD was 22 at the time.

Since then both my wife and DD have not spoken. We got married during this time and DD did not attend- she was invited but didn’t want to and I respected that. Both her and my wife didn’t want to speak to one another and that was fine for that time.

I have continued to see DD separately, at her own house, and out for dinners/coffees. We are now 7 years on and life is difficult for all of us. DS comes to the house, I can see him at home, he is very involved in my life but DD isn’t and I could see it was hurting her.

We spoke and agreed that she would talk to my wife at a family party. DD wanted to make amends so we could all move on. I talked to my wife ahead of time and she agreed it was time to move forward.

They’d not seen each other as I said for 7 years. DD says hello to my wife, my wife ignored her. I was upset and furious with my wife as it was the one chance to make amends in an amicable and neutral place. My wife simply said she can’t forgive DD for throwing a drink at her. It was an assault. DD should know better. It might not be relevant, but at 22 DD was really suffering with suicide and depression following a SA. I’m not excusing her behaviour but now at nearly 30, she’s a completely different person.

Now, 4 months on from the family party I decided I’d invite DD for Boxing Day. I wanted to see her, with her brother and nephew and for her to finally come to my home. Wife agreed but has now again pulled out days before and said that she doesn’t want DD in the house. DD is now refusing to try with her ever again and is upset. I am heartbroken, but cannot invite DD out of fear of something kicking off.

I really don’t know what to do. I try to put my foot down on both sides but my wife threatens to leave. I’m also sick of having to see my daughter in pubs and restaurants because she isn’t allowed in our (shared) home.

I guess what would you do?

Focus on your wifes wishes

BefuddledCrumble · 22/12/2024 01:05

It's always a wonder when men are surprised that a woman who would pursue or accept a married man turm out to be, shock horror, selfish, immature and horrible people.

What were you expecting? A loving, decent and kind woman?

How did you think a woman like that was going to treat children that aren't hers?

It would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic, and so damaging for the poor kids.

WishinAndHopin · 22/12/2024 01:07

This is a really small thing to hold a grudge about, especially as it was such a long time ago and your daughter was trying to patch things up.

Your wife is totally in the wrong and preventing you from having a normal relationship with your daughter is reprehensible.

Both your children have been through a lot in late childhood/early adulthood thanks to their parents' infidelity. After all these years it's time to put your own flesh and blood first and put your foot down with your petty, spiteful, grudge-holding wife.

TriptoTipp · 22/12/2024 01:08

Rokubox · 22/12/2024 00:48

They were having a heated discussion about a uni course actually, disagreeing about which route would be best for DS take. It was stupid. DD threw a pint of squash. Stormed out. We had other family there including wife’s family who hadn’t met DD before so I think that added to the embarrassment. I went outside to speak to DD to ask her to come back inside but her mum came for her pretty soon after.

They were having a heated discussion about a uni course actually, disagreeing about which route would be best for DS take.

How old is your wife? This is ugly behaviour.....why was she getting herself involved in your DS life and escalating a situation? Has she no dignity?

She sounds malcious and vexatious. She has already got her revenge by pretending she would talk at family party and then renaging - hasnt she humiliated her enough. Did you show support for your DD at this moment?

The ball is in your court now.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 22/12/2024 01:08

You need to prioritise your daughter over your selfish and vindictive wife.

TightlyLacedCorset · 22/12/2024 01:09

Anm I missing something? Why is the wife the being hated on?

Did the OP not say that both the him and his first wife were both guilty of cheating? So no, his first wife doesn't have to go grovelling for anyone's forgiveness, as she didn't ultimately break up a family. DD was a grown adult when she assaulted the OPs wife in her home. Not a child be struggling to cope without daddy's undivided attention anymore. No reason the SM should be obliged to play happy families with her at all now. She appears to get on ok with the OP's son. DD was also invited to a wedding and refused. I take it no apology was ever given by DD but SM was expected to just swallow it up?

And this scenario is fairly typical of men who move on after divorce and common as day on mumsnet, where men are happy to remarry women who have little intention of taking on their husbands prior children as their own, but expect theirs to be accepted and given grace. Bully for them, they're looking out for their kids interests foremost, however, by contrast, the OP says he chose to marry his wife AFTER the altercation between his wife and child occurred. So presumably his relationship with his DD was not the most pertinent factor at the time.

I'm team Stepmum this time.

TightlyLacedCorset · 22/12/2024 01:09

*the one being hated on...sigh

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 22/12/2024 01:09

Support your DD for gods sake, your wife sounds very immature and selfish.

What exactly was said to your DD about the course before the drink was thrown? Not to excuse it but context is key.

I think your DD is amazing going through all that and coming out of the other side. Shame about her dad’s partner though.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 22/12/2024 01:10

TightlyLacedCorset · 22/12/2024 01:09

Anm I missing something? Why is the wife the being hated on?

Did the OP not say that both the him and his first wife were both guilty of cheating? So no, his first wife doesn't have to go grovelling for anyone's forgiveness, as she didn't ultimately break up a family. DD was a grown adult when she assaulted the OPs wife in her home. Not a child be struggling to cope without daddy's undivided attention anymore. No reason the SM should be obliged to play happy families with her at all now. She appears to get on ok with the OP's son. DD was also invited to a wedding and refused. I take it no apology was ever given by DD but SM was expected to just swallow it up?

And this scenario is fairly typical of men who move on after divorce and common as day on mumsnet, where men are happy to remarry women who have little intention of taking on their husbands prior children as their own, but expect theirs to be accepted and given grace. Bully for them, they're looking out for their kids interests foremost, however, by contrast, the OP says he chose to marry his wife AFTER the altercation between his wife and child occurred. So presumably his relationship with his DD was not the most pertinent factor at the time.

I'm team Stepmum this time.

Well I am Team DD. The children who have had their lives torn apart by lies, deception and affairs, should always take priority. What is wrong with you?!

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 22/12/2024 01:15

OP, are you actually happy with your wife? She sounds horrible, utterly careless of the harm you and she caused all your children and determined to favour her children over yours. Her own children get away with venting their anger on you, but your DD’s equally understandable anger gets DD banished. Your wife seems not to care how much her arrogance hurts you too. I can’t help feeling for you, as well as for DD.

TightlyLacedCorset · 22/12/2024 01:18

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 22/12/2024 01:10

Well I am Team DD. The children who have had their lives torn apart by lies, deception and affairs, should always take priority. What is wrong with you?!

Show quote history

But the DD is not directing any dislike at her mother who had the affair first! She's immaturely directing it at her father's now wife.

The DD is an adult and was 22 years old at the time of the assault l. You can be upset at your life being torn apart but at what stage do you accept things and get on with your own life? 40? 50? Does having an affair mean you must out up with physical violence?

I say this as the child of parents who divorced as a result of cheating. I never thought it was acceptable to do actual violence to my SM though and she was no Mary Poppins, that's for sure.

Enough4me · 22/12/2024 01:19

I hope for your DDs sake she realises asap that you aren't supportive for her and focuses on her life away from you. Yes you are genetically linked, but you've shaken her world in the past and now are going against her.
If you thought more for your daughter then you would have told your wife that if she couldn't act respectfully in your shared home when DD visited then she is welcome to go out.
I hope your DD realises this before she has DCs and they have to see that their grandad doesn't let them visit...
or you could grow a backbone!
(I bet she wouldn't put up with you banning her sons?)

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