DH laughed when I said his redundancy was hard for me

[GodOfYourBluestDays]

I don’t even know how to process this. My DH (sorry typo in subject) was made redundant 7 months ago. We’re both late 40s, two teen DC. He finally just started a good new job, way lower salary, now equivalent to mine where before it was a 65/35 split in income in his favour. He’s happy and relieved, so am I, especially just before Christmas in a tough market. We’ll manage financially, just about.

This evening he laughed (scoffed, actually) when we were talking about how much he is enjoying having purpose again, and I said it was great, and also admitted I’ve found it really hard to ‘carry’ the entire family while working full time in a very intense job. (It has been absolutely exhausting being in ‘Mary Poppins’ mode, keeping the show on the road while he yelled, stomped, was like a dark brooding presence constantly in the house, and finally got so depressed he threatened suicide. He walked out, (redacted by MNHQ) police were called, insisted on him seeking help, I made and went to doc appointment with him, got him on anti-D’s, he’s not completely better but at least now is stable and thankfully in work. I have been deeply affected by suicide in my family, I didn’t take it lightly. It’s been awful.)

He said, laughing, ‘Are you joking? You’re unreal.’ Refuses to acknowledge how hard it has been for me (and the kids, we’ve all been on eggshells around him and his mood, always but especially since his redundancy) because he was the only one suffering, in his eyes. I am aghast. I even said to the GP at his appointment that my back is breaking and I can’t cope any more, and he is now laughing at me. I don’t know what to do. I care about him deeply, we’ve been together since we were 18, but I don’t know how to move forward from this, in my head and heart.

You aren't being unreasonable but it's possible he isn't either. You've both been through an incredibly stressful 7 months+ and it must be great to be on the road back towards being all ok again.

I think he was the wrong set of ears to hear your pain.

By analogy, imagine you have just been rescued from a near-fatal situation like being swept out to sea, or attacked by a shark, and you are sitting there wrapped in a foil blanket having been saved when you thought you were going to die, and someone tells you how stressful and upsetting your experience was for them. Wouldn't you laugh? I think I would.

Of course you have found it overwhelmingly difficult but he isn't ready to hear that yet.

Agree with @PokerFriedDips very astute comments.

Depression can make you very self involved (speaking from my own struggles) - in time he may well be able to appreciate your point of view…

Thank you for your thoughtful response @PokerFriedDips, I appreciate that perspective. The thing is, he wasn’t the only one affected by his redundancy - me and the kids weren’t passive observers. He did not step up domestically one iota, did even less than the usual bare minimum, didn’t start or complete any of the million things around the house that need doing, or even do anything particularly for himself (which I would have loved him to do) and of course apart from a cursory payoff I’ve also been the only income. The load for me got far, far greater, and he can’t see that. I have coached him (at his request or demand) through every passing week and every interview, I’ve not had a single day or even hour to myself, everything has been dominated by his need for extra support. And now he’s back at work and laughing at me for finally saying (kindly) that it’s been tough all round.

That’s all very well (to pps, not you OP) but he’s behaving like an absolute prick. Laughing, dismissing you. What a nasty response. I would feel the same OP. In fact I have been through similar with redundancy but DH and I acknowledged each others feelings and concentrated on being a mutually supportive team.

I think this is a bit like the circle of grief. You can share out to people affected less by the loss and people more affected by it can offload to you. But you can't share in.

Yeah I'd find that very hard to move past. Has he always been so self absorbed?

Thank you @YellowGuido - I’ve also had several encounters with depression so I appreciate you sharing. Maybe I’m not ok either, at the moment. He is even in ‘normal’ times a pretty self-focused person, though. I’m not trying to rain on his parade, quite the opposite, but I was a bit blindsided by him effectively saying ‘you don’t matter’.

But OP wasn't affected less by the redundancy - it affected family finances and her home-life massively - and she's been bending over backwards to help and support him.

OP you’re being too nice and accepting utterly shit and cruel behaviour. He’s been grossly self absorbed and malicious.

Is the self-absorption new or was is always there?

@Alalalala This is exactly it. I’ve approached his job search as a team project despite having no bandwidth. He clearly doesn’t recognise any contribution or challenge on my part. It did come across as nasty and dismissive.

Yeah it’s not ok. I don’t know where you go from here other than try to discuss it at a later date. In the meantime I would be tempted to stop doing stuff for him - keep the family going but no, no wife work for him. No more self sacrifice.

My now ex applied for a job after redundancy, offered, accepted, heard very little after. Start date wobbled. finally agreed. But it was never a go-er. City big financial services firm. I guess the project got canned. So he got paid off - but the personal impact - WE (ie he AND I) lived with that for months. I never blamed him at all - how could I? But oh my gosh I totally get what you are saying. You carry these people and their inability to recognise any contribution is staggering. Mine did do home projects - ie tiling in bathrooms etc. But quite honestly the time involved and the amount of effort required from me to praise was a lot on top of my full time city job. It was probably the start of the end of the relationship. Our communication needed to happen in different ways.

@category12 @InWalksBarberalla The self-focus has always been there. I just didn’t think (stupidly) that he’d seriously not see or understand the impact of his situation and mode on his wife, and children. It’s been so tough for him, I get it, but to be that unpleasant to someone who has done nothing but support you is pretty upsetting.

I agree with a lot of what @PokerFriedDips says and the laughing could be a defence because he is not able to hear yet how hard it has been for you, because his situation and his response to it caused that.

Nonetheless, it is not a kind response to you on his part, and must be upsetting for you to be dismissed in that way.

I experienced autistic burnout while working in the NHS and was in a bad way for a while there before I was well enough to decide to leave and do something different. It did put a lot on DH and I wasn't as available for the DC. I still feel very guilty about it, and I'm afraid when they mentioned it for a while after, I do tend to shut down a bit, it was a shame response. I still wish I'd had more resilience/had been able to cope without becoming that unwell. But my upbringing taught me you just keep going, you don't complain. Sure, until you can't any more.

I'm guessing for your DH a lot of his self worth may be tied up in working/his job role/earning, and he may have experienced this as quite an existential crisis. Which does, unfortunately, make you very self-focused, because essentially it destroys your sense of self. But it isn't healthy to have that kind of a relationship with work and sometimes it takes a crisis to highlight that. It may take some time for it all to sink in for him - or at least that's best case scenario anyway!

You say even before redundancy he did bare minimum around the house, so I'm also wondering if this is about more than the recent period and there is a build up of stuff from before that too, and actually you've had more of your fair share of the mental load for some time now. You deserve to be heard too. He clearly isn't going to/can't give you what you need right now, so perhaps there could be somewhere else you could process it, maybe with someone impartial like a counsellor. If he can't hear it, the least he can do now he is back working is agree that support for you needs to be a priority too, in whatever form that comes.

Thank you @CrazyGoatLady - it’s useful to hear your experience. It has definitely been an existential crisis for him. I am truly sympathetic and as I said was as supportive as I could be in all ways. I do think it has highlighted how my load in general is a lot, and how unsupported I have always felt by him at work and home. He’s always been quite dismissive of my career and now we’re on the same salary so I guess he’s finding new ways of being more important or stressed or whatever than me in his head.

Maybe once he’s in a much better place, collected a few payslips etc you could have a few days break to yourself somewhere. See if he’s still laughing at the difference you make every day after that.

Yes @socialdilemmawhattodo - the requirement for ‘strokes’ has been overwhelming. (I wfh mostly so have been acutely aware of him always being here, and just coming into my office to talk about his latest LI post when I’m on a deadline has required some deep breaths.)

@GodOfYourBluestDays I also wonder if it might have made a difference if he had recognised your support more? It sounds like it's been quite thankless for you and that's part of the issue, there's not been much gratitude. I did always try to say thank you to DH for taking stuff on when I couldn't, or to DC for understanding when I wasn't able to go somewhere or do something with them. I do think you can still show gratitude for people showing up for you even when you are low.

He sounds very invested in having the most difficult/stressful/important job - I guess I wonder what need that's fulfilling for him. For some men, it's a way of getting out of responsibilities on the home front, of course! Then if their partner gets a job that's similar in status/responsibility/pressure, they don't really have that get out clause any more, if you both work full time in stressful jobs, you have to share the load (or buy in help, if you can afford it). Sounds like he's got quite a gender role driven mindset about what a man is meant to do and not do. But it's almost 2025 - providers can provide and still do the laundry.

Your husband sounds like, to be honest, a selfish prick.
It is ok to be depressed and struggling but to have so little insight into the face that this has had an impact on you and your children makes it clear, to me, that he doesn’t see you as a partner or your family as a unit - he sees himself as the lead, and you and the children simply supporting cast members.
It is also unacceptable to have allowed this to have the impact on the children that it has. It is a parents job to shield children from this, not create such an atmosphere they are/were walking on eggshells.

@CrazyGoatLady Indeed. I don’t know what he gets out of it. A sense of control? We had a couple of years pre-kids when I earned a lot more than him and he hated it, yet also often says he’d love to ‘retire’ with me earning all the money. It’s a bit of a headfuck. We tried couples therapy once and it was not very successful as he only talks about himself and tries to reframe all my thoughts and experiences in relation to him. I’m not sure he sees me as a separate, valid, equal human.

@HelenTudorFisk I fear you are spot on here. Strong main character/Victorian dad energy. It’s been increasingly difficult since the children became teens, and the past 6 months have been even more ‘his way or the highway’.

He's a selfish arse. Yes, he was the one went through the redundancy but you were the one carrying him and the rest of the family.

Maybe couple's therapy with a different provider? You need to be making your voice heard. He should be deeply grateful for the love and support you provided him with that he would never have got elsewhere. Now that he is back in work, he should be showing his appreciation. Though maybe therapy for you alone would be more effective in helping you to stand up to him.

You need to sit him down and organise the household chores division. He's got away with far too much for far too long. Trust me, unless you draw a line in the sand now you will be stuck with that for life. Use his new job to totally reorganise in a fairer way - including the teens!

@GodOfYourBluestDays oh no, fuck the couples therapy. It sounds like you need a space where he isn't, that's actually just for you, and someone to listen to you and treat you like a person with your own needs, and support you to get back in contact with yourself as more than his support system.

He sounds like he's got major main character energy, and while I can see the hard time and have empathy for it, it's exacerbated some poor behaviours and traits that were already there, as opposed to being a crisis that's made him behave out of character.

He sounds very selfish, self centered and self absorbed. That could be because he's depressed but also could be his character or a combination of both. I can see why you are upset.