DH laughed when I said his redundancy was hard for me

[GodOfYourBluestDays]

I don’t even know how to process this. My DH (sorry typo in subject) was made redundant 7 months ago. We’re both late 40s, two teen DC. He finally just started a good new job, way lower salary, now equivalent to mine where before it was a 65/35 split in income in his favour. He’s happy and relieved, so am I, especially just before Christmas in a tough market. We’ll manage financially, just about.

This evening he laughed (scoffed, actually) when we were talking about how much he is enjoying having purpose again, and I said it was great, and also admitted I’ve found it really hard to ‘carry’ the entire family while working full time in a very intense job. (It has been absolutely exhausting being in ‘Mary Poppins’ mode, keeping the show on the road while he yelled, stomped, was like a dark brooding presence constantly in the house, and finally got so depressed he threatened suicide. He walked out, (redacted by MNHQ) police were called, insisted on him seeking help, I made and went to doc appointment with him, got him on anti-D’s, he’s not completely better but at least now is stable and thankfully in work. I have been deeply affected by suicide in my family, I didn’t take it lightly. It’s been awful.)

He said, laughing, ‘Are you joking? You’re unreal.’ Refuses to acknowledge how hard it has been for me (and the kids, we’ve all been on eggshells around him and his mood, always but especially since his redundancy) because he was the only one suffering, in his eyes. I am aghast. I even said to the GP at his appointment that my back is breaking and I can’t cope any more, and he is now laughing at me. I don’t know what to do. I care about him deeply, we’ve been together since we were 18, but I don’t know how to move forward from this, in my head and heart.

Agree with this. I’ve suffered with serious depression in the past but was acutely aware of the impact on those around me.

Oh, OP, as someone who has been the supporting partner to someone going through a really awful and difficult situation, I fully sympathise with you. It's an absolute slap in the face that all your support, which has come at a great cost to your own emotional and mental welleing, is undermined and belittled like this. No-one else can ever know how hurtful that is.

Given your updates, why do you stay?

OP I am in a similar situation to you. Me and DH both late 40s, he was made redundant and took a job that came with a pay cut. We can manage but have had to tighten the belt quite a bit which hasn’t been easy.

Even though this impacts us as a family, DH seems to view anything related to his work as ‘my job = my business’ which makes communication very hard. He gets annoyed if I express concern for the future and our future financial position etc. He cannot seem to acknowledge this has all been a bit stressful for me too.

While I think our DHs’ behaviour leaves a hell of a lot to be desired, I do think a lot of this is bound up with good old male ego/status etc. A lot of men at this age have reached the pinnacle of their careers (and a lot of men equate status with earning power) - if you have slipped down the ladder at this stage, as our DH’s have, it’s very hard for them to handle.

Not that it’s an excuse, but I honestly think grumpiness around teens might be about the same thing underlyingly - our offspring no longer view their dads with starry eyed adoration 😂 We as mothers pick up the majority of the domestic load, so the men are redundant in another way. YES they should pick up the slack (and as I say it’s no excuse), but I think that’s a factor.

No real answers OP, just solidarity. My DH has made a few similar comments that I am finding hard to get past, but I am trying to remember it’s a stressful time for all of us - and in the long term, I will continue to think carefully about my marriage and what I can and can’t let go of.

Wow I find that really rude of him, if it wasn’t for the back story stuff like he’s always not really done his share, I’d say it was perhaps a comment made too soon for him to hear

but sounds like he’s an arse

do you want to be with him ?
or are you questioning that ?

if you do, now’s the time for some serious changes
you don’t do equal work out of. The home then you also do more work in the home while he deludes himself and everyone around you he’s the main character

I think this is the bottom line, isn't it? He sees you as being there to support him, and himself as the most important person in the family. He feels entitled to your help and support and doesn't feel any need to express gratitude. You are just doing your wifely job.

I have a friend married to a man like this. An apparently normal man who, after nine years of marriage and a period of depression, revealed in couples therapy that he really doesn't think of her as a separate, equal being with her own needs. He genuinely works from a position of it all being about him, and her being there to look after and enable him. It's not clear whether he's a narcissist or whether it's neurodiversity, but it's clearly not a recipe for a good, mutually nurturing marriage or for their two primary-aged children. It's been devastating for her.

She's taken legal and financial advice and found a job that pays more. Once she's through probation and established in her new workplace she's going to leave and take the children with her. Her extended family know and are part of the escape plan. I wonder if this is something you might want to consider?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and he is being totally self-centred and ungrateful. But sadly, that is typical of someone suffering from depression, and is what makes it so hard for their friends and families.

Don’t take it to heart. It’s not personal. At some point in the future, when he is fully recovered, he will see things differently.

I understand how you feel. I’ve also been affected by suicide, if my partner threatened it and then laughed at the suggestion it impacted me I honestly don’t think I’d ever get past it.

I’ve lived with someone who was suicidal and killed themselves and the unbearable weight of all those years of that darkness over us all has stayed with me. Threatening and committing suicide is ultimately a form of selfishness where the person can only see or care about their own needs. Knowing they won’t or can’t care about the impact on you is something I personally can’t forgive.

Hi OP,
This is just to let you know that we removed part of your opening post. We do not allow posts detailing methods of suicide or self harm on Mumsnet. We hope you understand.
MNHQ

He sounds absolutely awful tbf. He genuinely doesn't seem to like you at all or care about you one little bit.

Just because he found it hard doesn't mean he isn't capable of understanding that it was hard for you too. Sounds like it was a much harder time for you than him. He was looking for a job. You were doing everything he and your family needed and dealing with his vile attitude. You were carrying the entire load including his mental health.

A few years ago I went through something really traumatic in my professional life. It was horrendous. I know that it was also incredibly difficult for my family around me, but it took an awfully long time to get over. Even once I was in a new job. It probably took around 2 years to get over the trauma.

Only then was I able to truly see how awful it must have been for my DH and my kids. And once they did start opening up to me about how awful it was to see me broken, the guilt and shame I felt about putting them through that (particularly my children) was really difficult to face up to.

The initial relief of your DH finding a new job is only the start of him healing. He is on a lot less money and that will feel sore.

Give it time OP, it is all still so raw for all of you x

You need to sit him down and organise the household chores division. He's got away with far too much for far too long. Trust me, unless you draw a line in the sand now you will be stuck with that for life. Use his new job to totally reorganise in a fairer way - including the teens!

This, above. I can't get the link to work, but google 'Checklist for gender equality in your everyday life'. I found it an eye-opener..

This.

it’s a pretty standard narc response when things are not going their way and they feel they need to redress the balance.

I wonder how the situation [redacted by MNHQ] came about? I’m guessing it was during an argument when things weren’t going his way?

I had this situation from a total Narcissistic ex - I was the OW and didn’t realise he was married - his DW found out and when it all started to unravel [redacted by MNHQ] - it was total bollocks and a control method.

When I was suicidal a few years ago I told no one and suffered in silence until everntually dh prised it out of me and made me go to the doctors.

Your dh’s suicide threat sounds very dramatic and perfomative - were the teens witness to this? If so that’s despicable.

He sounds vile and he didn’t deserve your amazing support.

Now that he’s through the depression and working again (and earning similar to you) would be a great time to get your own counselling and start working out if you even want to stay with him. At least if you separate, he wouldn’t be able to come after you for maintenance now. Good luck!

Could you go to couples counselling?

It does sound like he's entrenched in a perspective of seeing your ability to operate as something that is done despite or to spite him, rather than your experience of it as a burden you were handling on top of all your worries. This is a major shift in dynamics that you both may need to work through together.

That said if it's a pattern of behaviour or revealing of a mindset that was present before this event, it may also reveal this too, and help you decide if this is a relationship that can change from that, or if you'd be happier separated.

Although a few people here have said that if he was a woman he wouldn't be able to shut down in the same way, I'd suggest that's probably not true. In my case I had something similar happen to me as a single mother. FWIW I couldn't do a lot of the housework, DIY jobs etc. as I was frozen in fear based paralysis.

I eventually got all the housework etc done, but honestly if there was another partner living with me it would have been done by them before I got to it, and to a better standard.

I also knew and acknowledged that in my friendships I was becoming more self-centred, as I was swamped by my own concerns. I was fortunate that because I'd been a good friend to them in the past, they were happy to overlook it, and as I'm recovering I'm taking steps to even things out again in terms of thoughtfulness and reciprocity.

Depression doesn't excuse being a dickhead.

OP I think you need to revaluate the relationship.

I think you're being a tad dramatic.
Lots of marriages went thru a decade of stress during the 80s because of the economy and the effect on the jobs market.
Next yr there'll be more stress as the country dips into recession.

I think outside pressures are common in long relationships. Pointless making it about you op.
It was less than 12 months...

we’ve all been on eggshells around him and his mood, always but especially since his redundancy)

Huge red flag right there, OP. Not good for you or DC. And it sounds as if this intimidating presence is his normal self, not just recently.

Hmm. Quite apart from his losing job and subsequent depression, he sounds like a complete prick.

Dismissing your feelings, acting like a knob while he was out of work - and it sounds like he usually leaves all the house stuff and childcare to you too?

Do you still want to be with him?

Have you even read the rest of OP's posts?? Maybe you should.

It's not a competition. Just because you're happy with a h who doesn't work and is incompetent at all housework, that doesn't mean than anyone else should be.

We tried couples therapy once and it was not very successful as he only talks about himself and tries to reframe all my thoughts and experiences in relation to him. I’m not sure he sees me as a separate, valid, equal human

My husband is autistic ( recently diagnosed in his 50s) and he is exactly like this. To him, I have not thoughts or feelings of my own, everything about me is in relation to him. Could your husband be autistic? It would also explain his mental collapse on being made redundant. His reaction was extreme there. If he is autistic there is no hope of any improvement in his behaviour or how he views and treats you, and many NT wives of ASD husbands say their H's worsen with age.

Yes thanks.
I don't agree with the usual assessments on the state of peoples relationships.
In this case it's 12 months of pressure.

12 months of pressure that sounds as if it may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

@Bettyboo111 - 12 months of pressure on top of not being a supportive husband and not pulling his weight with the dc or house.