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Original poster

DH laughed when I said his redundancy was hard for me

198 replies

GodOfYourBluestDays · 21/12/2024 00:26

I don’t even know how to process this. My DH (sorry typo in subject) was made redundant 7 months ago. We’re both late 40s, two teen DC. He finally just started a good new job, way lower salary, now equivalent to mine where before it was a 65/35 split in income in his favour. He’s happy and relieved, so am I, especially just before Christmas in a tough market. We’ll manage financially, just about.

This evening he laughed (scoffed, actually) when we were talking about how much he is enjoying having purpose again, and I said it was great, and also admitted I’ve found it really hard to ‘carry’ the entire family while working full time in a very intense job. (It has been absolutely exhausting being in ‘Mary Poppins’ mode, keeping the show on the road while he yelled, stomped, was like a dark brooding presence constantly in the house, and finally got so depressed he threatened suicide. He walked out, (redacted by MNHQ) police were called, insisted on him seeking help, I made and went to doc appointment with him, got him on anti-D’s, he’s not completely better but at least now is stable and thankfully in work. I have been deeply affected by suicide in my family, I didn’t take it lightly. It’s been awful.)

He said, laughing, ‘Are you joking? You’re unreal.’ Refuses to acknowledge how hard it has been for me (and the kids, we’ve all been on eggshells around him and his mood, always but especially since his redundancy) because he was the only one suffering, in his eyes. I am aghast. I even said to the GP at his appointment that my back is breaking and I can’t cope any more, and he is now laughing at me. I don’t know what to do. I care about him deeply, we’ve been together since we were 18, but I don’t know how to move forward from this, in my head and heart.

OP posts:
ribiera · 21/12/2024 06:28

GodOfYourBluestDays · 21/12/2024 01:27

@CrazyGoatLady Indeed. I don’t know what he gets out of it. A sense of control? We had a couple of years pre-kids when I earned a lot more than him and he hated it, yet also often says he’d love to ‘retire’ with me earning all the money. It’s a bit of a headfuck. We tried couples therapy once and it was not very successful as he only talks about himself and tries to reframe all my thoughts and experiences in relation to him. I’m not sure he sees me as a separate, valid, equal human.

You husband sounds like a narcissist.
Your comment was insensitive and could have been framed better "the last 7 months have been difficult for you - and they've also been difficult for me becuase..." but his reaction is intense

Newmum738 · 21/12/2024 06:33

Agree with @PokerFriedDips! I've no doubt it was hard for you but the focus for your DH from both of you should be the positives of him having a new job and getting back on track. I'm in a similar situation myself and DH has struggled and expressed his stress to me but that just makes the problem bigger for me and it would be better for both of us if he found someone to talk to rather than putting more pressure on me!

Namechangey23 · 21/12/2024 06:33

GodOfYourBluestDays · 21/12/2024 00:53

Thank you for your thoughtful response @PokerFriedDips, I appreciate that perspective. The thing is, he wasn’t the only one affected by his redundancy - me and the kids weren’t passive observers. He did not step up domestically one iota, did even less than the usual bare minimum, didn’t start or complete any of the million things around the house that need doing, or even do anything particularly for himself (which I would have loved him to do) and of course apart from a cursory payoff I’ve also been the only income. The load for me got far, far greater, and he can’t see that. I have coached him (at his request or demand) through every passing week and every interview, I’ve not had a single day or even hour to myself, everything has been dominated by his need for extra support. And now he’s back at work and laughing at me for finally saying (kindly) that it’s been tough all round.

Sounds like he's a classic man child OP. There are a Hella lot of those around!

Sunshinedayscomeon · 21/12/2024 06:38

Invest in yourself and take time for you. Your DH may not be able to provide the emotional support you need at this moment. It may not seem fair but it's probably how it is, for now.

Therapy would be a good start, someone to listen, understand and advise. Your GP can refer you.

You have an immerse amount both physically and emotionally on you and it's hard. Be kind to you. I'm on a similar path (not DH but child), it's a lonely path. I've learnt to do things for me, be a silly dance in the kitchen, yoga or seeing a trust friend. The glimmers and sparkles are there.

Owly11 · 21/12/2024 06:44

He sounds very self absorbed.

buttonousmaximous · 21/12/2024 06:58

He probably doesn't wait hear how hard he made life for you. He will know really but wants to gloss over it.

I'd stop talking to him about it, you both know what happened be grateful you are past it and offload to someone else if you need to.

ReformMyArse · 21/12/2024 07:10

From reading all your posts it’s clear he’s always been an arsehole; selfish, unhelpful and horrible. What do your family and friends think of him? Maybe it’s time to start thinking about whether you’d be happier without him and to start planning your escape.

BananaSpanner · 21/12/2024 07:20

PokerFriedDips · 21/12/2024 00:34

You aren't being unreasonable but it's possible he isn't either. You've both been through an incredibly stressful 7 months+ and it must be great to be on the road back towards being all ok again.

I think he was the wrong set of ears to hear your pain.

By analogy, imagine you have just been rescued from a near-fatal situation like being swept out to sea, or attacked by a shark, and you are sitting there wrapped in a foil blanket having been saved when you thought you were going to die, and someone tells you how stressful and upsetting your experience was for them. Wouldn't you laugh? I think I would.

Of course you have found it overwhelmingly difficult but he isn't ready to hear that yet.

Terrible analogy. OP was not a passive bystander during this. She pretty much rescued him from the shark. You have just joined in with the husband in completely negating all that she did to keep him and the whole family afloat. She is right to be angry.

BeethovenNinth · 21/12/2024 07:30

I think the initial responses are generous to your man child. What an areshole. Sorry - YANBU. Doesn’t he see it? He should be hugely grateful for your support this year.

rwalker · 21/12/2024 07:31

The thing is his redundancy wasn’t hard for you . You didn’t lose your sense of purpose and self worth
dealing with and supporting his declining mental health health was hard for you

depressed people get very insular and selfish

you’ve both had completely different challenges and struggles

AnyoneGotATimeMachine · 21/12/2024 07:32

Why are people bending over backwards to excuse the behaviour of this utterly selfish prick?

Did you all miss the OP saying that she and the DC are used to walking on eggshells? That he was selfish and self absorbed before he got depressed? That he takes her for granted and treats her as if her feelings are irrelevant?

WTF?

GodOfYourBluestDays you really don't have to live like this. Do you really want to get old with someone who thinks your purpose in life is to serve them uncomplainingly and without expressing your own needs? The way he acted in therapy is really telling.

Some (many) men really do see women as the help humans, here to serve them. You don't have to put up with this. If I was you I'd stop trying to change him or the relationship, you've tried that and it plainly doesn't work. Instead, start getting your ducks in a row and plan a future without him. There's a whole world out there to discover without him dragging you down and not even recognising it or caring that he's doing it.

AgnesX · 21/12/2024 07:33

Having been on the receiving end of redundancy from both ends, I find the perspective of the OP interesting. Redundancy is an emotional runaway train and some people really don't deal with it very well.

Although it's devastating for the OPs husband I think he needs to give himself a shake and at the least acknowledge the OPs part in keeping the household functioning. It's such a worrying time .

FreebieWallopFridge · 21/12/2024 07:37

Please stop saying self-focused. He’s self-centred and selfish.

He’s an arse, OP, there’s no sugar coating it.

HocusFord · 21/12/2024 07:38

I’m so sorry OP. I think his reaction was shocking. You have been carrying a huge additional burden and not only is he showing no gratitude, he’s actually sneering at and dismissing you. He may feel he had it worse than you (which is in itself debatable), but that shouldn’t prevent him from seeing your perspective and empathising. I would struggle to see past this intense selfishness too.

SharpOpalNewt · 21/12/2024 07:39

He sounds like a self centred arsehole to me. Couldn't be doing with any of that behaviour or attitude.

Onceuponatime9 · 21/12/2024 07:39

My Dh was made redundant t
he day after I gave birth. When he visited me & didn't tell me, his expression due to not telling me what was wrong sent me into serious post natal depression. I recovered but the point I'm making is talking about it with your DH along with therapy is the best thing going forward.

ApriCat · 21/12/2024 07:40

Christ. My reaction to everything he asked me to do from then on would be "No. You wouldn't appreciate it."

But the more adult reaction would be to leave.

BananaSpanner · 21/12/2024 07:41

rwalker · 21/12/2024 07:31

The thing is his redundancy wasn’t hard for you . You didn’t lose your sense of purpose and self worth
dealing with and supporting his declining mental health health was hard for you

depressed people get very insular and selfish

you’ve both had completely different challenges and struggles

Both things were intertwined though. It’s affected them differently but they’ve both dealt with the fall out of the redundancy. The husband is being selfish and downright nasty.

GluggleJuggle · 21/12/2024 07:41

GodOfYourBluestDays · 21/12/2024 00:26

I don’t even know how to process this. My DH (sorry typo in subject) was made redundant 7 months ago. We’re both late 40s, two teen DC. He finally just started a good new job, way lower salary, now equivalent to mine where before it was a 65/35 split in income in his favour. He’s happy and relieved, so am I, especially just before Christmas in a tough market. We’ll manage financially, just about.

This evening he laughed (scoffed, actually) when we were talking about how much he is enjoying having purpose again, and I said it was great, and also admitted I’ve found it really hard to ‘carry’ the entire family while working full time in a very intense job. (It has been absolutely exhausting being in ‘Mary Poppins’ mode, keeping the show on the road while he yelled, stomped, was like a dark brooding presence constantly in the house, and finally got so depressed he threatened suicide. He walked out, (redacted by MNHQ) police were called, insisted on him seeking help, I made and went to doc appointment with him, got him on anti-D’s, he’s not completely better but at least now is stable and thankfully in work. I have been deeply affected by suicide in my family, I didn’t take it lightly. It’s been awful.)

He said, laughing, ‘Are you joking? You’re unreal.’ Refuses to acknowledge how hard it has been for me (and the kids, we’ve all been on eggshells around him and his mood, always but especially since his redundancy) because he was the only one suffering, in his eyes. I am aghast. I even said to the GP at his appointment that my back is breaking and I can’t cope any more, and he is now laughing at me. I don’t know what to do. I care about him deeply, we’ve been together since we were 18, but I don’t know how to move forward from this, in my head and heart.

It was his gp appointment. You should have made your own
not to minimise what you have both been through but that appointment was about him not you

Lilactimes · 21/12/2024 07:41

Hi @GodOfYourBluestDays - sounds such a difficult situation. If I were you I would give him a bit longer to get back into his job and then say you’d like to have couples therapy.
I don’t think you have to be on the verge of splitting - sometimes it can be worth having it to explore/ unpack an experience you’ve both gone through but are seeing from different perspectives. You’ve done brilliantly, you sound amazing and strong, your husband poss still in his own self absorbed protection place. I’m sure he will get there and realise the incredible rock you’ve been. Discussing it with someone else could really help. well done for everything you’ve done - so strong x

rwalker · 21/12/2024 07:41

SharpOpalNewt · 21/12/2024 07:39

He sounds like a self centred arsehole to me. Couldn't be doing with any of that behaviour or attitude.

Edited

Great understanding of mental health there

greyspring · 21/12/2024 07:41

Alalalala · 21/12/2024 01:02

OP you’re being too nice and accepting utterly shit and cruel behaviour. He’s been grossly self absorbed and malicious.

I agree with this.

My H has been out of work for seven months too, though older than yours and no job in sight. Like you, I thought some good could come of it by him sorting the house out ( which is in a really bad state), but he has done nothing. Spends a couple of hours a day job searching and the rest on his hobbies. Says he has no time for anything else.

He has no recognition of the impact and stress on me, has made no effort to make anything good come from this

His behaviour becore and then that comment is awful OP. He has been indulging his feelings at your expense. I just couldn’t respect him after behaving like that OP.

Pamspeople · 21/12/2024 07:42

I think you said in one of your posts OP that you all are on eggshells around him at normal times, although it's been worse recently? That's an awful way to live for you and your kids, and your kids will be massively affected by it. I'm sorry but your husband sounds bloody awful.

Pamspeople · 21/12/2024 07:45

Lilactimes · 21/12/2024 07:41

Hi @GodOfYourBluestDays - sounds such a difficult situation. If I were you I would give him a bit longer to get back into his job and then say you’d like to have couples therapy.
I don’t think you have to be on the verge of splitting - sometimes it can be worth having it to explore/ unpack an experience you’ve both gone through but are seeing from different perspectives. You’ve done brilliantly, you sound amazing and strong, your husband poss still in his own self absorbed protection place. I’m sure he will get there and realise the incredible rock you’ve been. Discussing it with someone else could really help. well done for everything you’ve done - so strong x

I have absolutely no sense that he will eventually realise what a rock OP has been! There's not a hint of it

CheeseTime · 21/12/2024 07:45

OP it made me angry to read your post. Don’t let it lie. Tell him how you feel.

Drives me mad to see so many families where women give their all and men take it all. I left mine a few years ago and he’s now alone and very unwell. He will be alone at Christmas as he chose to move far away to buy a big house near a new girlfriend rather than stay near his adult DC. Girlfriend then finished with him.

What has been interesting is the number of women who immediately think I feel guilty that his life has gone to shit. Tell me I shouldn’t feel bad that he needs help we can’t give him. I DON’T. But the implication is that I should.

You sound amazing OP. You need to hear that from him.