DH laughed when I said his redundancy was hard for me

[GodOfYourBluestDays]

I don’t even know how to process this. My DH (sorry typo in subject) was made redundant 7 months ago. We’re both late 40s, two teen DC. He finally just started a good new job, way lower salary, now equivalent to mine where before it was a 65/35 split in income in his favour. He’s happy and relieved, so am I, especially just before Christmas in a tough market. We’ll manage financially, just about.

This evening he laughed (scoffed, actually) when we were talking about how much he is enjoying having purpose again, and I said it was great, and also admitted I’ve found it really hard to ‘carry’ the entire family while working full time in a very intense job. (It has been absolutely exhausting being in ‘Mary Poppins’ mode, keeping the show on the road while he yelled, stomped, was like a dark brooding presence constantly in the house, and finally got so depressed he threatened suicide. He walked out, (redacted by MNHQ) police were called, insisted on him seeking help, I made and went to doc appointment with him, got him on anti-D’s, he’s not completely better but at least now is stable and thankfully in work. I have been deeply affected by suicide in my family, I didn’t take it lightly. It’s been awful.)

He said, laughing, ‘Are you joking? You’re unreal.’ Refuses to acknowledge how hard it has been for me (and the kids, we’ve all been on eggshells around him and his mood, always but especially since his redundancy) because he was the only one suffering, in his eyes. I am aghast. I even said to the GP at his appointment that my back is breaking and I can’t cope any more, and he is now laughing at me. I don’t know what to do. I care about him deeply, we’ve been together since we were 18, but I don’t know how to move forward from this, in my head and heart.

People are being very generous towards him on this thread. He sounds like a moody selfish arsehole to me… I’ve been married to one of those…. I am happily single now, highly recommend it!

You have both been through a bad time together but you have both suffered in different ways so it is hard to see each others point of view right now.

You need to process what happened to you away from your relationship. Our closest people are not always the right people to share our feelings with. Yes we might want them to understand that supporting our loved ones can be incredibly hard but they don't have the capacity when they are processing their own complex emotions.

Redundancy brings up a range of complex emotions, as does supporting someone going through complex emotions but they are not the same things. It was hard on both of you in different ways. Expecting each other to fully understand or appreciate what the other went through can easily create nothing but resentment. Sometimes we need support outside of our relationships and it may benefit you both to seek that.

Being depressed and to the point of being suicidal is a long recovery

I guess he just wants to feel great in himself after his very down time.
It is possibly very depressing for him to voice to himself how much greif he has caused his family.
He has his head in the sand out of self preservation.

You go out with the kids and treat yourselves to a fun day at a water slide park, in solidarity and in remembrance of the tough journey you have been on and that DH finds difficult to recall.
Every month you and the kids go out some where joyfyul and celebratery together and talk about why.

And do reorganise the chores to include DH in the mix.

The reality is that he lost his job and income. He has a wife and 2 teens, a mortgage and bills.
You stepped up and had to keep things going on far less money in a cost of living crisis.
You listened to him complaining, put up with the moods and him creating a bad atmosphere at home. Then you helped him with job searching and interviews.
He left you to do all the jobs at home on top of this. He said he commit suicide and you got him to a doctor to get him help.

Then when you said it was tough on you when he lost his job he dismissed this. The reality is that he should have acknowledged all you have done for him and his kids over the past 7/8 months.

I think at this stage your both physically and mentally exhausted. You seen his behaviour and the total selfishness over this time period. I think it making you look at him and the state of your relationship. He has probably been like this for years but this has been the last straw.
I think that your considering do you want to stay with him when he can't acknowledge all you have done for him. I would show your kids how to more things at home as they are old enough to do more and it's preparing them for adulthood. I stop cooking and doing the wife work for him. Let him see what life is like for him without you doing it all like a slave.
Don't buy any Xmas presents for him.Let him see what happens without

I would also gather up all your financial information including his pension details and arrange a meeting with a solicitor to see how much your entitled to if you were to divorce.

The reality is that he lost his job and income. He has a wife and 2 teens, a mortgage and bills.
You stepped up and had to keep things going on far less money in a cost of living crisis.
You listened to him complaining, put up with the moods and him creating a bad atmosphere at home. Then you helped him with job searching and interviews.
He left you to do all the jobs at home on top of this. He said he commit suicide and you got him to a doctor to get him help.

Then when you said it was tough on you when he lost his job he dismissed this. The reality is that he should have acknowledged all you have done for him and his kids over the past 7/8 months.

I think at this stage your both physically and mentally exhausted. You seen his behaviour and the total selfishness over this time period. I think it making you look at him and the state of your relationship. He has probably been like this for years but this has been the last straw.
I think that your considering do you want to stay with him when he can't acknowledge all you have done for him. I would show your kids how to more things at home as they are old enough to do more and it's preparing them for adulthood. I stop cooking and doing the wife work for him. Let him see what life is like for him without you doing it all like a slave.
Don't buy any Xmas presents for him.Let him see what happens without

I would also gather up all your financial information including his pension details and arrange a meeting with a solicitor to see how much your entitled to if you were to divorce.

Wait. Hold up. He’s threatened suicide AND mocked you?
The jerking around of your and your kids’ emotions are enough to make you scream.
And THEN in addition, when you tell him of your concerns, he mocks you???
That would be too much for me. And I certainly wouldn’t expose my kids to it.
I mean, Christ - what an asshole.
I’ve lost two family members to suicide so I don’t find the threats funny at all — the people in my family didn’t threaten, though, they just did it (I might be a little sensitive in that regard).
I don’t really have any advice other than to suggest you toughen up and stop tolerating his juvenile behavior.
His mocking me would be the last time he mocked me in my home.
He can go and live with his mummy if he wants to act like a middle schooler.
You have the patience of Job - what you need is the lightening bolt of Zeus.
Sending you good luck and strength and love.

It doesn’t sound like he is mentally well yet; I would be glad he is working and out of the house. I will try ti move from that comment but observe how things go; it is hard to live with someone with depression; but I guess he lost his purpose when he lost his job. I hope things improve for all of you

Reading your latest comments it sounds like he is quite a selfish person and you have had enough; glad he is working so you can start preparing for divorce.

Do YOU see yourself as a valid, seperate, equal human? You are describing quite a toxic relationship whereby you don’t seem to put in any boundaries ‘DH, I’m on a deadline, give me an hour’ or whatever. Or even taking a day for yourself in months and months. He isn’t a child. I appreciate you love him and were/are concerned for his mental health but you have allowed your own light to dim, for a lack of a better analogy, because his isn’t shining. Fuck that shit!

He has a job now, if you’ve been together this long I doubt you’ll leave him but do some individual therapy and build your own life away from him. He sounds like such a prick to be honest and you’re bleeding yourself dry trying to be the perfect wife/mother to a man who doesn’t appreciate you even one iota.

Only men seem to get away with this though. If his response had been surprise/lack of insight of how events had affected his wife and he’d said that and expressed gratitude and wasn’t a laughing prick about it, I’d agree with you although I’d still think depression doesn’t excuse you being an arse to live with. Part of recovery is actively participating in it. Women crack on with this shit most of the time especially with children around, not laughing at their spouses feelings about the challenges of recent months.

That is well put. There's no point in comparing how it affected each of you. It was a bad time but it's over now, just be glad of that.

He is even in ‘normal’ times a pretty self-focused person.

This is not a surprise. Depression was/ is never going to humble him.
I think you need to accept that he’s a taker not a giver, which in reality means he will always be his priority and your role is to prioritise his needs at your own expense.

You’re not a team, probably never will be. You’ve kidded yourself that you are but now it’s patently clear that your not. Would you have been afforded the same care and attention if the roles were reversed, hell nah! You would have been left to get on with it, whilst not letting it impact his life in anyway and even then, he would be acting the victim.

His comment has brought into sharp focus who he is and how he doesn’t value your contribution. Let this be the catalyst in renegotiating your relationship.

Eh? it isn't over. That's why the OP started her thread. He's being a selfish wanker now, and getting worse, mocking her and belittling her. Being emotionally abusive.

He's been self-absorbed since day 1, when OP was only 18 years old. Never pulled his weight in the home.

I bet he's never once said 'thanks' to her for anything, and meant it from the heart. I wonder of he's said 'sorry' to the kids for what he's put them through.

*Eh? it isn't over. That's why the OP started her thread. He's being a selfish wanker now, and getting worse, mocking her and belittling her. Being emotionally abusive.

He's been self-absorbed since day 1, when OP was only 18 years old. Never pulled his weight in the home.

I bet he's never once said 'thanks' to her for anything, and meant it from the heart. I wonder of he's said 'sorry' to the kids for what he's put them through.*

Well said!
His shitty behaviour was there before the redundancy and depression and the more OP says about him, the more obvious it is that he's an absolute dick.

To offer a slightly different perspective:

When my kids were 14, I was in an accident and it's had a permanent impact on me. I spent a year re-learning to walk.

My then H stepped up massively and did cleaning and shopping and sorted the kids.

It was very hard for both of us. I thanked him regularly.

But at the end of the day, it was me that it happened to.

In the same way, redundancy can really strike at someone's self worth. You say he was depressed and suicidal. That's a lot to go
through. He needed support and you have stepped up and supported him.

You need support too. It will have been a difficult time for you. It might be too early yet to look for support from him. Do you have family or friends that you can talk to?

He’s obviously a deeply immature person, who is incapable of pulling his weight emotionally.

If you reminded him that you don’t need his permission to not share his view on something how would that go?

He sounds awful.

Yes it is, but I've known several men who use it to make everyone around them miserable. My ex-H, an ex-bf, and my friend's dad. They never get help (until something happens and they're forced to) but drain the life out of everyone around them.

You sound like his carer/mum, not his partner. You give until you're breaking and he takes with no care for you. There's a clear hierarchy with him at the top and you and DC firmly at the bottom. Why have you pushed your wants and needs away to serve his? What would happen if you stepped back and let him be responsible for himself?

It’s really a woman thing, isn’t it? The same way that I make my food last when we are eating different things.

The accident happened to you- the aftermath happened to the whole family.

There are situations where we acknowledge that explicitly (eg. a sibling having cancer; a parent in prison) and others sadly where we don’t.

I do agree though, that the redundancy has absolutely had an impact on his psyche.

It sounds like you need validation. You need him to validate your feelings in all this, appreciate what stress you went through as well, supporting him, the dc, the home and finances. Besides this redundancy, does he normally take your feelings into consideration?

By analogy, imagine you have just been rescued from a near-fatal situation like being swept out to sea, or attacked by a shark, and you are sitting there wrapped in a foil blanket having been saved when you thought you were going to die, and someone tells you how stressful and upsetting your experience was for them. Wouldn't you laugh? I think I would.

That analogy simply doesn't work. Op wasn't on the beach watching. She was in the water, fighting the shark and trying to get it off him, or racing against the current to reach him and then carry him back to shore, all while also keeping two teens afloat (not to mention the house, her own job etc which were extra weights making it hard for her to swim).

No, I wouldn't laugh at my non-professional, family member rescuer if they said their experience was upsetting in those circumstances because the self-absorption it takes to deny that other person's experience is pretty staggering. There is trauma there in both sides. It might not be the same or "equal", but it's very real.

He has a long road to recovery but while Op is keeping him afloat, who is doing the same for her?

It sounds incredibly difficult, Op. You can't keep carry his burden alone. He needs to step up and get help if he needs it, and acknowledge the stress it put everyone else under or it's just going to breed resentment.

He’s clearly still on self involved mode. I suppose maybe from his perspective you are looking for sympathy inwards in the concentric circle of pain as it were. So a more extreme example would be telling a partner who has a terrible illness that their illness has been really hard on you, too. Maybe that’s why he’s reacted the way he did? In the circles of pain, we have to reach outward for support and sympathy rather than inwards towards the people who are suffering most.

The other side of this issue is that it has objectively been hard on you and you would like some acknowledgment and ideally thanks for carrying the family during an awful time. You see it as the worst has passed so now a time to regroup as a family and support each other. And you experienced his redundancy and depression as something that happened to the whole family.

If the situation had been reversed - what would he have done for you? Would he have absorbed the entire logistical and emotional support of the family? Would he stop an important meeting to coach you through a job application?
I suspect your lives have always revolved around him and his needs.
You don't need to live like this.