DH laughed when I said his redundancy was hard for me

[GodOfYourBluestDays]

I don’t even know how to process this. My DH (sorry typo in subject) was made redundant 7 months ago. We’re both late 40s, two teen DC. He finally just started a good new job, way lower salary, now equivalent to mine where before it was a 65/35 split in income in his favour. He’s happy and relieved, so am I, especially just before Christmas in a tough market. We’ll manage financially, just about.

This evening he laughed (scoffed, actually) when we were talking about how much he is enjoying having purpose again, and I said it was great, and also admitted I’ve found it really hard to ‘carry’ the entire family while working full time in a very intense job. (It has been absolutely exhausting being in ‘Mary Poppins’ mode, keeping the show on the road while he yelled, stomped, was like a dark brooding presence constantly in the house, and finally got so depressed he threatened suicide. He walked out, (redacted by MNHQ) police were called, insisted on him seeking help, I made and went to doc appointment with him, got him on anti-D’s, he’s not completely better but at least now is stable and thankfully in work. I have been deeply affected by suicide in my family, I didn’t take it lightly. It’s been awful.)

He said, laughing, ‘Are you joking? You’re unreal.’ Refuses to acknowledge how hard it has been for me (and the kids, we’ve all been on eggshells around him and his mood, always but especially since his redundancy) because he was the only one suffering, in his eyes. I am aghast. I even said to the GP at his appointment that my back is breaking and I can’t cope any more, and he is now laughing at me. I don’t know what to do. I care about him deeply, we’ve been together since we were 18, but I don’t know how to move forward from this, in my head and heart.

Op I haven’t rtft but I was in a similar position recently. Dh lost his job, had a breakdown, and I had to carry the family, look after him, manage finances and deal with all my work stress without any support. It was terrifying and exhausting.

we are over that now but it took me 2 or 3 attempts to get him to understand how hard it was for me. I have also talked to friends about it now that I have some distance and realise how important it is to get catharsis and acknowledgement.

if your dh is a nice and kind man generally then I would say give him time and keep trying to tell him how it has been for you. At the right point he will be able to listen.

But if your dh is a bully who controls his environment then this might be a wake up call that you need to set some strong boundaries, protect you and the kids, and make plans for what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I agree
Many men use it as a means of control

Do as I say or I will kill myself
Highly toxic and manipulative

Well yes, validation but it also sounds like the OP needs him to be a proper partner - someone to support her emotionally, pull his weight round the house and with the children. He's not the great provider any more and needs to pull his finger out.

It sounds like he sees you as a household appliance that he switches on and off whenever he needs. God forbid if you ever get sick and need caring for. He’ll be one of those “men” who leaves their wives when they get cancer.

www.fredhutch.org/en/news/center-news/2009/11/sickness-and-health.html#:~:text=A%20married%20man%20is%20six,%2Dcalled%20“partner%20abandonment.”

I am absolutely livid on your behalf. He belittles you, treats your work like shit, takes up all your energy, shout suicide when he knows it's only an enormous trigger for you, clearly doesn't respect you or the children at all, leave you to do all the work even though you're the only person working full-time... I don't like this man at all. He may have been okay originally but this version is obviously fucking awful. I agree with you that he is trying to exert control and to hold the higher position. He will really hate earning the same as you and I think if you stay with him you will suffer more and more.

That is so unfair. Who was doing everything while he was wallowing about ?
his response should have been, to Thank You for being so strong & basically his backbone.
Frankly now everyone will still walk on egg shells, you won't revisit this conversation or he will strop. How much are you supposed to carry?
He doesn't sound very lovable to me. He has always put you down to big himself up.

Your husband’s reaction was crap. Only you know if he really is such a selfish arse as he’s portrayed here. Did you say that his behaviour/ comments made you feel that “you don’t matter”?

I agree with the two posters. For now, I’d take a breather.

You’ve just been through a storm. You had to find strength for everyone and that was bloody tough. We all see that.

But you made it. Take a day to celebrate yourself, sit back and take in what you yourself have been through. It’s a lot.

He sounds unbelievably self centred.

It’s not the same but I went through a period when I was very ill and my husband had to step up
and do everything for the family where I was signed off work. Work, look after me, the kids and house all solo and he stepped up. When I recovered I was very grateful for him keeping the show on the road and appreciated how hard it had been for him too.

This probably isn’t the right time but I’d be making steps to leave him. You said he does nothing domestically anyway and you all had to walk on eggshells before this happened. Its no way to live

This is shit OP and I hope it has helped to post. Do you have anyone in RL you can discuss with?

I agree with lots of others that he is not mentally well yet. He is behaving very selfishly but sounds like it is hard to separate what is his nature and what is depression speaking. I would agree that it is now time to draw back a bit from aspects of the household load that you can and really start to consider what you want in the future.

I've not read all of this but I've been in a similar position - although not as extreme a reaction. Both in our early forties with teens. DH made redundant from a job he loved and thought was forever (however, I could see it coming but I wasn't listened to, I think he didn't want to believe it). We were also approaching our teens most expensive period, uni and cars etc.
We approached it as a 'team effort' as well and I did everything I could to keep positivity etc but at the time he was in a dark place. He's not someone who suffers from depression and is normally very stoic so this took me by surprise. I think perhaps there's something about the age it's happened to them and feeling a loss of purpose, failing etc?
In the end my DH has completely changed careers to something he loves passionately but it's been a massive change for us and the salary is hugely lower and will be for some time. Same as you, I have felt the impact of that. I now do my full time job as well as freelance on top and feel the pressure to keep everything going and a little resentful that he doesn't seem to see that / appreciate it sometimes. And I would like the opportunity to do something more purposeful as well but don't feel like I will have the chance now which I struggle with a bit.
As you say, it doesn't just happen to them - it happens to the family. But I don't think they see it like that in the moment.

People are different. Your back is breaking after 7 months, and lots of my women friends and myself are the only breadwinners in the family, for more than 20 years. Circumstances. You are very lucky it was only 7 months. And all the housework, and homework and general management of the household - because if dh does it himself, which he loves to do, I shall have to re-do it again, so it is best to do it myself.

This is just nasty.

Do you also have a husband theatening suicide round your neck as well?

I think this is a good suggestion . Start putting yourself on the list. I won’t say put yourself first because you have children so I k ow how that goes. But put yourself somewhere on the list too! You matter.

also, from me: well done you for keeping the show on the road. That is a tremendous achievement. I’m sorry your DH can’t see the enormous effort you’ve put in. We see you though. (From someone who has a DH with depression, who can also become totally self absorbed).

Preposterous! How “lucky” OP should feel it was only 7 months?
It’s not a bloody competition.

Well, it's up to you and your friends what you're willing to tolerate, but I wouldn't stick around for 20 years of doing everything while the "partner" does fuck all and is unpleasant to be around.

He is being a prick depression or not

I nursed my late partner through a serious illness, and he never once treated me like this he was pretty much suicidal aswell

He should be thankful your looked after him so well on every level

I agree depression is no excuse I know plenty of people perfectly capable of this behaviour regardless of sex. People are not at their best and they are frequently selfish in various ways when depressed.

Your experience must be different to mine though regarding women not getting away with this behaviour and just getting on with things. I've witnessed some pisspoor behaviour from men and women in my life when things go wrong just getting on with things isn't a given on the basis of sex, at least not with some women I know anyway.

Men often invest their entire identity into work and so the loss of it, being made redundant can hit hard. It hits everyone hard of course but they lose their main identity oftentimes
Not excusing him just say, I think he simply has no clue what you have done to hold the family together and he can't even imagine how hard it was for you because he's just focusing on clawing back his own self worth with this new job. And likely not really dealing with the fact that he's no longer the bigger salary winner.
Only you can know if it's worth sitting him down and recovering this .marriage or whether this is the alarm bell that sets off a different set of things in motion.

If you think rhe marriage is worth saving and you think he's out of the worst of the depression I'd actually hold a family conference or at least a couples conference. Along the lines of
-"DH great that you've now got a job however for the past xx months I've been doing

• laundry
• hoovering
• meal prep
• weekly shops etc

As well as my job, and I can't continue doing this. So can you please tell me which of these chores you'll be picking up from now on"

Often by focusing it on a list, even write it down, and making it very practical eg you do x y z and I do a b c then he can see the volume of the list but also he then is properly assigned those tasks. You then must not do them ! Teens can also be included if you need them to start pulling weight too.

This is a wise response. I don't think you should make any huge decisions based on that interaction. You've both been through a lot and hopefully things are on the up now.

Depression doesn’t automatically make you a prick. I know plenty of women with depression who put on a front, don’t shout at their family, subject them to their awful mood and still work hard to make sure the family is ok.

it seems a real male thing to check out of family life, make no effort and behave like a twat.

I think the analogy up thread is good to draw upon

what your husband doesn’t realise though is

you and the family weren’t sat on firm ground watching from the quay when he was drowning - you were all in the boat he fell from and needed rescuing as well from the rough sea.

its not been plane sailing for any of you

Neither of you are being unreasonable. However, he has just come out of a bad bout of depression, so it probably wasn't the most sensitive thing to remind him what a burden he has been. You have probably, unintentionally made him feel guilty and embarrassed.

I'm sorry for your personal experience with this. Several family members of mine suffer MH issues to the point they have been sectioned several times. It's not easy to accept some of the things that occur during these times for anyone. Not one of them initially accepted that they had a problem and sought help. Often their acceptance of MH issues started with an incidence where police are called.

That some people choose to use it as an excuse is reprehensible and yes I agree it happens. All we know are in the OPs case though is police were called and insisted he sought help which the OP helped him with. So I'm not sure I would call this a case of using it as an excuse that some people are capable of doing that yes but there is also potential for OPs DH being genuinely unwell too.

I think it feels like a slap in the face sometimes. I understand why he might not want to admit how much you did as it highlights how little he did. Obviously when people (spouses) are going through something we step up and support but it doesn't hurt to have a little recognition.
When my FIL passed away my DH obviously found it hard and I talked it over with him to support him, did everything I could around the house, funeral, supporting MIL. Then about a year later he came out with that 'i wasn't very supportive and didn't care'. It just felt like a slap in the face of everything I'd done. I also knew that if it has been the other way round he wouldn't have done any of the things that I did or supported in that. Some people can be quite selfish but not see it.
I hope down the line he does acknowledge how you stepped up for him but from your other comments it feels like it might be something that he can't do for his own sense of self.

You would have absolutely been affected.

My mum has MH issues and regularly tries to commit suicide and I have to leave work early, stay up all night etc and she doesn’t get how much it impacts my life.

It’s like when someone gets cancer.
The loved ones find it difficult too.

However, the person going through it is the one who is having the toughest time and if you had said that to me then I’d feel you were dismissing how hard I had it, especially if I was still feeling low.

I do think it’s a really important conversation to have and he needs to acknowledge how his mental health impacted you but it’s probably just too soon for him.

This was the worst time of his life and it’s going to take time for him to process and heal.

I would focus on the family getting back on track and then perhaps think about seeing a counsellor.

I have struggled with my MH in the past.
I had PND which led to psychosis and I cannot talk about it in RL even though it was years ago.
So I understand why your DH is feeling ashamed or embarrassed by it and doesn’t want to talk about it.