DH laughed when I said his redundancy was hard for me

[GodOfYourBluestDays]

I don’t even know how to process this. My DH (sorry typo in subject) was made redundant 7 months ago. We’re both late 40s, two teen DC. He finally just started a good new job, way lower salary, now equivalent to mine where before it was a 65/35 split in income in his favour. He’s happy and relieved, so am I, especially just before Christmas in a tough market. We’ll manage financially, just about.

This evening he laughed (scoffed, actually) when we were talking about how much he is enjoying having purpose again, and I said it was great, and also admitted I’ve found it really hard to ‘carry’ the entire family while working full time in a very intense job. (It has been absolutely exhausting being in ‘Mary Poppins’ mode, keeping the show on the road while he yelled, stomped, was like a dark brooding presence constantly in the house, and finally got so depressed he threatened suicide. He walked out, (redacted by MNHQ) police were called, insisted on him seeking help, I made and went to doc appointment with him, got him on anti-D’s, he’s not completely better but at least now is stable and thankfully in work. I have been deeply affected by suicide in my family, I didn’t take it lightly. It’s been awful.)

He said, laughing, ‘Are you joking? You’re unreal.’ Refuses to acknowledge how hard it has been for me (and the kids, we’ve all been on eggshells around him and his mood, always but especially since his redundancy) because he was the only one suffering, in his eyes. I am aghast. I even said to the GP at his appointment that my back is breaking and I can’t cope any more, and he is now laughing at me. I don’t know what to do. I care about him deeply, we’ve been together since we were 18, but I don’t know how to move forward from this, in my head and heart.

Yeah. From what OP has written, it seems like he's always been self-absorbed and "Main Character" rather than it being new and born out of depression.

OP, this is absolutely nothing to do with autism. Depression has nothing to do with it either. This sounds more like it's hard-wired

Autism is hard wired. The H may or may not have autism. But saying, ' its not autism, instead its hard wired' makes no sense as autism is a condition in which the person's brain is hard wired to be autistic.

There seems a startling number of male arseholes around. I would look in the mirror except I'm so damn old that whatever is wrong with me is incurable.

I read your post with sadness. He needs a little time to get things into perspective. He has now - unkindly and thoughtlessly - given you an insight into how desperate he was. He could not have done it without you, but then as his wife you were there to do exactly that. For better or for worse. But he is forgetting himself and letting himself down. He could not have done it without you. He will come to realise his own frailty and helplessness at a moment of crisis. Where others might have resorted to alcohol or affairs - and lost himself and marriage and family - you held him fast. A formidable challenge which you had the strength to handle.

Leave him, he sounds like a revolting cunt. Selfish lazy prick.

As someone who suffered an incredibly dark time, I look back and can see I was utterly self absorbed at the time. As far as I was concerned, no one had suffered like me. Your husband is still recovering and it may take a while for him to acknowledge the impact his illness has had on others. Give him a bit of time, but also gradually expect him to help at home more, and also take a bit of time for yourself.

Yes thank you, I know that.
I'll admit that I expressed myself a bit clumsily there with the word hard-wired. I was talking about what seemed like a long-standing pattern of behaviour but I can see why that confused things. I just felt that autism would be a wrong place to look for explanations here.

Perhaps it is time for you to seek some counselling and some personal support just for you alone? You say you've been together since you were both(?)18? That's probably quite a long time ago.
Now you are an adult, with teen chrn, you could profitably start looking towards finding out who YOU are now (as opposed to who you were aged 18) and what YOU actually might want out of (this one & only) life.

It sounds like you're in a reciprocal relationship with a narcissist. In such a relationship there's always a "feeder" (you) and the one who "insatiably needs to be fed" (him).
Now probably isn't the time to leave. But you can start changing your life by beginning, bit by bit as you feel able, to change yourself.
A good counsellor or psychotherapist will support and walk beside you, helping you find out who you truly are and what you want to become.
When yr children are getting ready to leave home, you may decide you'd rather like a life of your own. That might, or might not, include your selfish DH. He might have to come round to realising that you have changed your self and your priorities and that the old power-trips don't work on you anymore.
And / Or you might leave or you might invite him to use the door.
Good luck.

OP, I feel very sorry for you.
What a year you have had with this truly awful man.
Your poor children too.

A selfish lazy loser.
Didn't lift a finger while off, just left it to you.

Do you really love him?
Have a think.
Do you really see your future with someone so selfish and self absorbed.
A man who is so selfish and so far up his own arse as to think what you have endured is nothing.

Do you actually want to remain married to him?
I doubt many would.

He sounds like an absolute prick with no empathy or appreciation for you.

Sadly, depression can make you very selfish. Hopefully, in time, he will realise what he put you through.

It sounds like your comments hurt his male pride. He’s probably been feeling like a bit of a loser and wants to feel good about himself again and does not want to be reminded of negative things. However, he sounds like he also massively lacks empathy, thought and consideration for others. I’d find a partner like that pretty hard to like.

I’m not sure how you get past this, but maybe the new job is an opportunity to establish a new routine, where you do less and he does more. It sounds like you’re feeling resentful, which is a signal that your boundaries are not being respected. I’d suggest telling him what you want the new regime to be, rather than trying to get him to see or understand how you feel. It sounds like you’ve been wasting your efforts trying to get him to understand you. Maybe try to just tell him how it’s going to be from now on.

PS It did strike me as a little odd that you talked about yourself during his GP appointment. It does seem like you’re craving support and acknowledgement. I think getting individual therapy might be a great idea and he’s clearly not willing/able to provide much support right now…

Your partner didn't just go through a redundancy, they suffered - and are presumably still suffering - from a bout of severe mental unwellness that almost cost them their life.

Getting a job doesn't wipe any of that slate clean. Your partner will presumably be in some kind of probationary period for the next 3/6/12 months, and it'll be two years before they have full employee protections. Even with that in the rearview, it may take them some time to feel secure again after what happened with their previous role.

Your partner will need to 'fix' themself first and foremost, which isn't to say they can't be working on your happiness at the same time. But you'll need to consider that this could take a long time, and getting back into employment is just one step.

Whether you're willing to stay and support them through that is the choice you'll have to make.

But where does that leave OP?

Given that her husband isn’t the one who asked for advice, maybe your answer could be focused on her.

you obviously have experienced some of what the husband is going through so why not use that constructively rather than scolding other posters.
(just for completeness you talk a lot about suicide as self abnegation, but nothing about the conversations you’ve had with those bereaved by suicide)

1. you could have acknowledged OPs feelings
2. you could have sympathized with her
3. you could have said the things that those who cared for you did which helped
4. You could have said “I am x years down the road, and I can now hear/cannot ever imagine hearing how this impacted on the lives of those who love me.”
5. you might even have been able to reframe the OPs evident distress from actively trying to push him back into a hole into something where she is the Centre of her own life.

If your view is that she is somehow irrelevant in her own life, because her life is to be offered in service to her husband and his mental health then at least own it.

If the situation were reversed, what would have happened? What does your future hold? Picture it.

You didn’t read the entirety of my posts I see.

just for completeness you talk a lot about suicide as self abnegation, but nothing about the conversations you’ve had with those bereaved by suicide
I have also been bereaved by my mother’s suicide, therefore unlike those who have only been bereaved by suicide, I know what it feels like on both ends.

1. ”you could have acknowledged OPs feeling
2. you could have sympathized with her
3. you could have said the things that those who cared for you did which helped
4. You could have said “I am x years down the road, and I can now hear/cannot ever imagine hearing how this impacted on the lives of those who love me.”
5. you might even have been able to reframe the OPs evident distress from actively trying to push him back into a hole into something where she is the Centre of her own life.”

“If your view is that she is somehow irrelevant in her own life, because her life is to be offered in service to her husband and his mental health then at least own it”. No it’s not my view don’t even try that malarky

I did all of that…the cheek of you. The post you are criticising wasn’t to the OP. It was to the poster I quoted.

”LoremIpsumCici · 21/12/2024 18:26

Yes, the past 7 months watching your partner spiral into deep depression following a redundancy was hard on you OP but it was incredibly insensitive and selfish of you to say that to a partner who only a few months ago was sectioned by the police for being suicidal and is only just now starting to recover. In addition, taking over his GP appointment to make it all about you was very self absorbed. This is why it is recommended for partners of those with any severe illness, get support from a third party. It’s incredibly cruel to tell the person who is the one suffer in the illness how their illness has affected you, and how you can’t cope with them being such a burden/not pulling their weight anymore.
I understand wanting validation of your feelings. I agree it was and is hard for you, but read the room. You don’t seek that from the very person that has almost died.”

PERHAPS you could have checked to see if Id written a post to the OP?! 🙄

Hi op,

it is really hard. In this situation, I think it is best to actually not express this to your dh because he has been « the source » of your own distress and might hear your pain as an attack until fully resolved.
i think you will be wise to wait a bit…

He will be able to understand your side which I am sure he is understanding but just doesn’t acknowledge …give it time 🌺

I can't imagine how hard it's been for you op but turn it around and imagine if DH had told you how hard pregnancy and birth had been on him?

You said So the LAST thing someone only a few months into recovering from being actively suicidal needs to hear is “your illness was so hard on me” or during a GP appt for their loving partner to start going on about how they “can’t cope” with them as “their back is breaking.” Talk about pushing you back in the hole you just dug yourself out of!!

OP is lucky all he said was “Are you joking? You’re unreal.”

How is that acknowledging her feelings? Given that she is lucky at his response- what more authentic response should she (in your opinion) have expected?

I am not sure you realise the extent to which you are presuming the husband is entitled to her deprioritizing her own life for him.

It really seems like his feelings are all about him, and her feelings are all about him. And do you know what’s about OP—absolutely fuck all. And you think she’s being selfish or in some way deficient as a wife for that?

Can she ever just say a bald No to him, because he has bled her dry?

You sound absolutely burnt out 😭 and like you’ve been walking on eggshells.
He shouldn’t have scoffed at you but perhaps you could have confided this in a friend or later down the line ?
depression can make some people very self absorbed (for want of better words )

He may be embarrassed.

Try and move on