DH laughed when I said his redundancy was hard for me

[GodOfYourBluestDays]

I don’t even know how to process this. My DH (sorry typo in subject) was made redundant 7 months ago. We’re both late 40s, two teen DC. He finally just started a good new job, way lower salary, now equivalent to mine where before it was a 65/35 split in income in his favour. He’s happy and relieved, so am I, especially just before Christmas in a tough market. We’ll manage financially, just about.

This evening he laughed (scoffed, actually) when we were talking about how much he is enjoying having purpose again, and I said it was great, and also admitted I’ve found it really hard to ‘carry’ the entire family while working full time in a very intense job. (It has been absolutely exhausting being in ‘Mary Poppins’ mode, keeping the show on the road while he yelled, stomped, was like a dark brooding presence constantly in the house, and finally got so depressed he threatened suicide. He walked out, (redacted by MNHQ) police were called, insisted on him seeking help, I made and went to doc appointment with him, got him on anti-D’s, he’s not completely better but at least now is stable and thankfully in work. I have been deeply affected by suicide in my family, I didn’t take it lightly. It’s been awful.)

He said, laughing, ‘Are you joking? You’re unreal.’ Refuses to acknowledge how hard it has been for me (and the kids, we’ve all been on eggshells around him and his mood, always but especially since his redundancy) because he was the only one suffering, in his eyes. I am aghast. I even said to the GP at his appointment that my back is breaking and I can’t cope any more, and he is now laughing at me. I don’t know what to do. I care about him deeply, we’ve been together since we were 18, but I don’t know how to move forward from this, in my head and heart.

People can have poor mental health and also be an arsehole. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I think your DH is being unreasonable, but he may still be 'in his mind' suffering. My DH had breakdown a couple of years ago, I could barely leave him alone.
I remember one morning about 6 months in, a friend insisted I get out of the house for half an hour, I pre warned him, when I was just about to leave, he said 'this proves you don't care about me' it broke my heart. 2 years later he knows it was wrong, and has apologised, and thanked me profusely for being there for him.
Perhaps it's still early for him.

It's insensitive but probably not meant unkindly. As people have said depression can make people incredibly self absorbed. The threat of suicide is torture for him but for the rest of u too. Although he is appearing to have bounced back, u have said he still is not well. He may not even be aware of the toll it has taken, and still is taking on you all. I've been there, I know. I would consider reducing the amount of emotional support you are giving and encourage him to speak to a professional, this is to help you. Also he should think about finding another source of validation alongside his job. Is counselling something u and the children might need? Take care

@Pamspeople ah yes… I just read all OPs other posts - he sounds pretty tricky macho type… always in the right.

Wow, I can totally understand why you're upset (I'd be bloody livid too!) and really feel for you OP. How dare he think his job loss only affected him? How dare he dismiss everything you did to support him (and the family) through this? He sounds utterly self-centred.
My husband was made redundant three times over his career (for a total of 16 months) - fortunately we could still manage on my salary alone - but every day he wasn't working I would come home to a meal (and a glass of wine handed to me, virtually as I walked through the door!). He treated getting a new job as a project and would tell me over dinner what he'd been doing and what he planned to do next. In all the time he wasn't working there was only ONE day when he said one evening he was feeling a bit down. He was so self-motivated and to this day I am in awe of his "glass half full" attitude to adversity. Of course I worried about him at the time, but knew I really didn't have to.
Of course we're all different with differing levels of resilience and I'm certain I wouldn't have handled redundancy as well as my husband did, but I'm equally certain, had the situation been reversed, I would have recognised everything my husband did to support me, practically and emotionally.
Your DH needs to give his head a wobble and understand what a great wife you are - sadly, I suspect he won't. 😔

Think maybe it's time to call it a day, he sounds insufferable, nobody including your kids should be walking on eggshells.

Im not sure why you’re surprised at his reaction to your thoughts about the last year, he’s only acting to type. Even before his redundancy he showed he doesn’t value you or your feelings/opionions.
Your last post about him being a “Victorian father” and “his way or the highway” is quite concerning for your kids.
You should seriously consider going to counselling on your own, you need to flesh out what’s happening in your marriage, for your own and your teenagers sakes.

Wow OP can you imagine if you lost your job now. Would he carry the entire load, be supportive, coach you while you stomped around the house making everyone miserable?

Would he accept in that situation that it had only been tough for you?

Honestly he sounds insufferable.

I think your DH just isn’t well enough to hear this yet. He’s barley back in work adjusting to a new situation.
If he was in such a bad way that the police had to be called to help and he was contemplating ending his life a matter of months ago he couldn’t be in a great place yet.
He also carried the pressure of being the main earner and now you all have to adjusted to his lower salary and he must have feeling about that.
Give him time.

@GodOfYourBluestDays I thought I’d have to be the first to say it but, @ribiera already said it. He sounds absolutely as though he has narcissistic tendencies.

One of the things with narcissists is they have no “object permanence” which means they can’t see (or even conceive) of the other person - as you said - as a separate person with feelings and a self and anything that diverges from their view or who you should he drives them nuts. That will mean your teens too. I imagine if they step out of line his reaction is disproportionate.

read this:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/peaceful-parenting/202203/understand-narcissist-object-relations-perspective?amp

Their sense of self and importance dominates everything and you will feel just subtly controlled at all times and everyone has to pander to them.

if it isn’t that, the Gottrman marriage institute write that the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships are Contempt, Criticism, Stonewalling and Defensiveness.

Wow! That seems brutal of you. Your view is honestly you’d prefer him to fake your relationship and say to his friends/family “Yes we’re both struggling but she doesn’t want to hear about me, and wants me to focus all the emotional time only on her.” Can you see that might be a tricky one to come back from?

Is it just the redundancy or do you always find it difficult to pull together.

I get that redundancy is hard but what's he going to do in retirement when he has no job? When all his sense of self and purpose seems tied up in having work? He needs to start getting some hobbies

@GodOfYourBluestDays , I don't think you realise it yet, but I think you are done with this marriage. He isn't going to change, and he isn't going to ever care for you and the children in the way you want him to.

One day, probably in the not-too-distant future, you won't be able to convince yourself that this is worth saving.

Also, I know, both personally and professionally, that the vast majority of people who have been suicidally depressed have been very conscious of feeling a huge burden upon their family and friends. It's that whole concept of 'smiling depression', and the effect of their depression on others is a source of huge guilt that often drives their suicide attempts - the feeling that 'they would be better off without me'.

Most depressed people blame themselves for everything, and that is part of what leads to their depression in the first place.

But selfish people are depressed for different reasons. They feel entitled to things they don't have, and are angry at the world and those around them because they don't have those things (in this case a job). Even when the depression lifts, they are still selfish, because they always were. They make things 'all about them', because for them everything always is 'all about them'. They don't care about the effect this has on those around them, because they have never cared about those around them as much as they care about themselves.

Selfishness is not a symptom of depression. It's a symptom of who that person is.

You really don't need to live like this. If he can't change (or you don't have the energy to help him change, which is also valid)c, then you don't need to to stay. You are not a supporting cast member. You deserve a leading role in your own life.

I agree with others in that potentially neither of you are particularly unreasonable, he feels the way he feels, he has been through a terrible time it sounds like and you have supported him (which I do appreciate has been hard for you in it’s own way) but framed like that you can see that in his eyes- he has struggled, and you telling him how you also struggled almost feels like you blaming him, or making his situation about you.

Exactly this.
My late FIL was a classic narcissist (very much "his way or the highway" type) and my late MIL, DH and his DS were absolutely supporting cast members in HIS very important life. He could change the atmosphere in a room merely with his presence and challenges to his authority never ended well (and he got even worse with age as he perceived his control slipping away with his physical frailty).
Sorry OP, but your DH's ongoing depression is not an excuse for mocking and disregarding you. Nor is his apparent fundamental belief that it's only him and his needs that matter. He needs to be open to attending counselling - for all your sakes.

You made a comment, something which was fairly mild, factual and understandable to anyone with a brain cell and he laughed at you. Laughed at your feelings. Your actions have proven how serious this has been for him and you’ve done everything you can to help him. It would make me feel like an appliance/staff rather than a partner. It just adds to the egg shells thing… is no one else ever allowed to find things hard or express feelings as he’s the only one allowed to have them? How would he have behaved if the situation were reversed?

If it was a one-off then perhaps it could be put down to embarrassment or the ongoing situation but your update suggests he’s always been selfish/inconsiderate. I get the feeling the scales have fallen from your eyes, can you unsee it now? I would be thinking about getting things back on an even keel then either preparing to leave or finding a better support structure for yourself and the kids outside the relationship. One person can’t make a partnership work however hard they work at it.

Over the past 20 years my husband has been made redundant five times. It’s pretty common in his area of finance, but even taking that into account I think there has to be an element of fault on his part for it to have happened so often. I’m not sure if I can support him if it happens again, but one thing I will say in his favour: he has always acknowledged the impact it has on me, been enormously grateful for my support and treated me with respect. I could not have coped with a husband like yours - I’m sorry.

I've been in your shoes with the redundancy followed by personal crisis and I don't think my partner really empathised till there was a lot of time to get perspective.

That said your DH sounds like a dickhead in general.

This and your post straight after it, suggest that there are more fundamental problems in your relationship.

I totally get the 'load'. Been there, done it, survived and breathed a huge sigh of relief when we came out the other end. But H was pulling his weight at home, and whilst at times he could brood and sink into introspection, he acknowledged when he was back in work how much support he'd had from me and how much he appreciated it.

If your H's starting position is that you and the family are incidental extras to his life, and that he is the main attraction and the centre of everything, then it doesn't surprise me at all that he's oblivious to the effect it's had on you.

Not only would it not occur to him - because your needs are secondary to his, so why would he expend effort thinking about them? - but when pointed out to him, he would actively dismiss this.

Which is exactly what's happened, because your needs secondary and your only purpose in his life, is to facilitate his happiness and respond to his needs. Otherwise what's the point of you? So I'm also not surprised that marriage counselling didn't work.

I would seriously think about divorce, particularly now he's back in work. Do you want to spend the rest of your days with a man like this? Life is short and precious. If he's like this now, what would retirement be like when he's at home all day, every day, nit-picking over everything...?

But to use your analogy, OP ran out into the water and swam into dangerous, shark infested waters herself to rescue him and drag him back to shore. Would you laugh if that person told you they had found the experience stressful?

I do agree that, if he is clinically depressed, he perhaps just isn't well enough yet to empathise with OP. But for him to scoff at her is awful. And at some point she is entitled to expect that as a married couple they both support each other through hard times and try to see things from each others point of view.

Not sure about the drowning metaphor. It’s sounding more like the OP was in the water with him trying to stop him going under, not watching safely from the shore.

I am not sure him being unable (or unwilling) to comprehend how his being suicidal and jobless may have adversely impacted his wife is to do with mental health. She explains he’s a domestically lazy Main Character and this sounds more like a personality trait. You can be a selfish individual and suffer from personal and MH challenges, needn’t be either or. Of course, he may have a totally different tale to tell but she sounds like she’s been asked to shoulder too much.

Cross posted with @Fargo79 ! Same mind.

Don’t let him retire people like him become absolutely insufferable in the John Lewis cafe queue

Some PP have suggested your H is a narcissist. I agree with them. My exH was one. He even was the same as yours about me earning more than him. Hated it but said he would 'retire'. He spent it on thing like the latest TV, computers Hi Fi (12k on a pair of speakers once) so he could show off to his mates but moaned about me buying the kids Clarks shoes instead of ones off the market. He too was Victorian dad. I didn't see it until his own brother pointed it out. We all walked on eggshells around him.