Daughter back from University - she’s all tuts and eye rolls :-(

[TheBramley]

I missed her so bloody much and was so excited to see her. I’m finding this so hard. I think I missed her less when she wasn’t here. Our home town is crap apparently and she can’t wait to get away forever and can’t understand why we ever put up with it. She’s been home since Friday and I’ve just been told I don’t buy the right bacon or pesto and the hot water tap temperature isn’t good enough - other than that she’s in her room talking to friends or asking for lifts at mad times. Bit sad. ☹️

Well that's shit. Can you have a reasonable conversation about her behaviour?

She might not want to be the daughter you remember but she can at least have some manners.

Well I’d pull her up on the comments about the wrong pesto and bacon for staters and cut down on the lifts. You will get more respect from her in the long run but I know you love he though and it’s hard
💐

She sounds quite rude. I would reduce the lifts until she regains her manners

Tell her if she dislikes it so much she can go back to halls now (and pay her own rent on it)

This is a natural stage unfortunately BUT you really don't have to tolerate rudeness and you certainly don't have to provide unlimited lifts.

Sometimes it's good for people to experience the law of natural consequences!

When I returned home at Christmas after the first three months of my stay in Germany I was completely insufferable, complained about everything basically

Tell her she's welcome to buy acceptable bacon and pesto if she doesn't like yours.

I wouldn’t put up with this. It’s extremely rude. No lifts while she’s behaving like this, why should you go out of your way when she isn’t even showing you common courtesy? Also she can go and do the food shop for the whole family if she’s going to complain about what you’ve bought. (Give her the money, but she can now make the effort)

Tell her she know where the shop is!

If you aren’t happy here you are free to leave.

Expert at this now!

I'd treat her the exact same. You're her rock. Give her lifts, feed her the same food as you always would and if she's disappointed let her be so. You can control her, you can just be the rock she needs m, the rock she needs to bash against a little for now but that she will appreciate in the future.

I had a mum who when I went off the rails went off straight back at me. It was the last thing I needed and I still resent her for it. She's a teen, it's her job to go crazy. You need to hold steady. She'll come back.

This is your opportunity to teach your daughter one of the last and most important things. What treatment you will accept in an adult to adult relationship.

You don't need to give lifts to rude people.

You don't need to host people who criticise your home or grocery choices.

You are not the skivvy of a rude adult, no matter how much you love and missed them.

Put your foot down, and you can have a lovely respectful relationship.

Don't ,and you can expect one of those awful ones where the kid is 30+ and still treating and talking to their own mother like crap.

*can't control he FFS

Her! Seriously why can't I type

Thank you for your replies - I’m grateful. I’m a bit sad with it all but I’m not a total doormat to be honest - I told her she can buy different cuts of bacon or red pesto if she wants. I’ve not done all the lifts.mm either. It’s more that I hoped (assumed) we would spend some quality time together when she got back. She’s not even slightly interested. We used to do stuff all the time. Her door is almost always shut which never happened before she left in September.

Please stay and remain her rock. This is my thing on MN... I lost my mum not literally but during this period I was difficult and my mum in my eyes just ditched me, she felt like her job was done and just judged me instead of helping me. She literally needs you to be there and to feed her. She resents it because she is on the cusp of adulthood and so close to being able to do it all herself. Enjoy the resistance because she needs you. She won't one day.

Shrug your shoulders and carry on as usual. I bet after a couple more terms she'll be delighted to have someone caring for her.

This!

She's an adult

All this delayed childhoods stuff is so bad for people and society

This is temporary. It's a necessary phase, she's pushing against you because she needs to be independent one day and she's in a weird in between phase.

I had to check I hadn’t written this!!! Love my dd to bits, miss her so much but it takes 20 mins of her being back before I want to kill her 😂😂

I think I miss the idea I have of my dd in my head rather than the reality!

im going for ignoring the bad behaviour as much as possible, if really bad challenging it. And remembering that I was a nightmare at this age too and went back to normal about 25. It is difficult for them, trying to exist in two ‘spaces’, one where they are adults with fun nights out etc and one where they revert almost to stroppy teens back at home where it’s ‘boring’. I feel your pain x

Aw, TheBramley, I feel for you. The transition from teen at home to young adult returning to the nest is a bit of a difficult time. They seem to revert to their selfish teenage tendencies while they wouldn't do that while at school. I think they are more interested in reconnecting with friends, and missing new boyfriends, etc., so parents are last on the list!

But, they do come around, and they do appreciate you in the end. I think you are doing right by not being a doormat, but missing the girl you sent off to school. hang in there! Maybe in the quiet time between Christmas and return to school, you will have more time to reconnect.

Love this.

Can’t believe some of the replies on here. Yes she’s a dick. That happens when young people go to uni. They become idealistic and insufferable. It’s a rite of passage and many of us did similar things with our own crusty boring parochial parents. Just roll your eyes and ignore it like they did. She’ll grow out of it. One day.

Sounds like you are doing a good job op 😊

Just keep standing your ground. No child has ever benefitted from having rude behaviour enabled.

But the distancing you are describing, that is completely normal for this stage. I hate to think about it, but I was quite distant with DM during my uni years.

I will just repeat the advice my DM gave to me (and it always seems to be true).

She will get close to you again, she just needs to figure some things out on her own first.

This is a stage.
You don’t have to put up with rudeness, but it doesn’t have to be a fight either. How you deal with this will start to set the stage for your relationship with her as an adult.

’I prefer red pesto’
‘Oh, do you? It’s not been my favourite - what do you do with it?’

Etc. like it or not, nothing will be the same again, but you can start to create a different sort of relationship with her. Instead of taking her comments as a complete criticism and rejection, open up a conversation.
It is hard but very worthwhile!