Daughter back from University - she’s all tuts and eye rolls :-(

[TheBramley]

I missed her so bloody much and was so excited to see her. I’m finding this so hard. I think I missed her less when she wasn’t here. Our home town is crap apparently and she can’t wait to get away forever and can’t understand why we ever put up with it. She’s been home since Friday and I’ve just been told I don’t buy the right bacon or pesto and the hot water tap temperature isn’t good enough - other than that she’s in her room talking to friends or asking for lifts at mad times. Bit sad. ☹️

Nah. She is an adult. A rude adult who is acting in an entitled way. Parents should parent, not indulge silly and unpleasant behaviours.

Huge identity formation stage/transitional stage at that age, where they're adults but still have developing brains and are having to make sense of who they are when they're alone in the world - especially after all of the high excitement of uni/parties/freedom/new relationships and then the extreme pressure of studying/adult expectations/managing a house and dynamics.

To some degree, to be expected as she emotionally 'separates' her identity from you- her hometown- childhood.

However, the rudeness shouldn't be tolerated, she still needs to know how to behave as an adult and how to handle herself.

I remember staying home for uni, not moving away, and telling my parents they had 'trapped me' here. I made the decision of my own free will, to save money, and was incredibly lucky to have a safe, stable, loving home to study from! I cringe when I think back on that. Anyway, I'm still in my hometown, moved away for a few years for work but love my hometown despite the flaws now. Adult life brings perspective that the grass might be greener for a while, it's still just grass! I have a strong relationship with my parents and see them most days.

I would pull her up on rudeness and how it makes you feel, don't give in to unreasonable demands - she's an adult, she can get herself about if she's going to be rude, and give her space to figure stuff out and mature some more. Hopefully she will settle down and maybe you can have a few good days together over Xmas

Not sure turning off the WiFi helps these days when most people have full data on their phones, my teenagers certainly have this.

I agree with PP who said imagine her playing in your high heels aged 6.

My mum was very calm around my university rudeness. I most certainly didn't ever want to go home for the holidays but I had to as you had to vacate halls.

Very normal for adult kids to come home from uni and be insufferable brats, particularly if they weren’t rebellious teenagers. They’re forming their own adult identity and differentiating themselves from the family unit.

You don’t have to put up with it, though. Have the big confrontation if you need to. Remind her who pays her uni allowance. The two of you need to work out what a relationship between two adults looks like, even though she’s not behaving like an adult, which is quite unfair on you but not unusual.

My DS left and went to uni overseas. We subsequently downsized, so when he visits next, we are putting him and his GF into a cute AirBNB a five minute walk away. This way we don't have to relive the horror of his first visit home - which much like you OP was not a pleasant experience.

19/20 is an awkward age - just when you think you know it all and that your parents are dumb as planks. It is a phase, for sure, not that that is an excuse. All this bollocks - support them through their twattery - a sure fire recipe for a few more years of shittu visits. Don't do it.

Nobody is saying OP should indulge it, or tolerate rudeness. They’re just explaining why she’s behaving the way she is.

Like everyone has said this is normal for some. I also think that at Uni she's probably been making a huge effort to be sociable ( and appear mature) with her housemates/ course mates etc 24/7, so now she's home she's probably relaxing a bit so rudeness is coming out. She obviously feels safe to be bratty with you. There's nothing wrong with challenging her behaviour in a calm way. Tell her how it makes you feel and your expectations. At the end of the day, she's the same person you just need to remind her.

Same here!

Kindly: You are too needy.

I get it and will feel like you when the time comes, we love them and want to feel close and enjoy a nice time together, especially around Christmas.

@TheBramley have you been to uni? Being a superior smarty pants is quite normal in the first year and half at university, if it's a good course she's doing, her eyes are being opened and her world view is being broadened. Plus she meets people from a wider range of backgrounds and learns about exciting new ways of living or foods such as red pesto 😂- be curious and learn with her. Try and really listen to her when she shares things from uni, about her course of friends or teachers, the food she has discovered.

If I was fed up with the rudeness I would probably say something like 'I made an effort to buy nice pesto so please don't pick on it but red pesto sounds great tool, which one is nice and why don't we get that at the next shopping.'

Embrace what she's bringing home, you are paying through your teeth for her uni experience after all. It's transformative and come end of year exams in second and third year, she'll be a lot more stressed scared, humble and in need of her supportive parents.

But:

Accept the new her. If too rude and picky, pull her up in a fair way but don't focus on it too much.

(I'd find this hard too though!!!)

I remember being 19/20 back from uni once and having the worst tantrum at my parents for seemingly no reason 😱 and do I cringe looking back? Jesus so much! I think this age is rough… but keep your boundaries and don’t accept rudeness and shel come back, me and my parents (granted I’m mid 30s now) are best friends and I hang out with them 5+ times a week (after living away for 10 years I decided actually this small town ain’t bad!)

Take the younger daughter out to Wagamamas or Pizza Express. She'll get FOMO and want to come next time.
Don't be needy- carry on with your life as if she's not there and I bet she'll come round and hopefully you'll all have a good Christmas
She's behaving like the world revolves around her - it doesn't

You should show her the door and advise her not to let it hit her on the way out...

Talk about being fucking ungrateful.

I always laugh when people say turn the WiFi off
It's not 2008 , they just use data instead
It's also so childish

I think context is everything here.

Are you able to say your town and where she goes to uni?

I grew up in not a great place. Quite a few of my school mates who went to certain unis came back to their home town for the holidays with a pretentious air. They were hanging out with a load of boarding school types.

I think I had thoughts like hers - but wouldn’t have dared voice them as my DM would have hit the roof. In my case it was when I came back from my gap year in a beautiful medieval European town. I felt very deflated when I went to the 1960s parade of shops on my council estate. But I was wise enough to know that commenting on the contrast would have upset my mum.

My DS 24 much prefers his home city to the smaller town he went to uni in so we didn’t receive treatment like this - but I think I would have said something calmly without hitting the roof. Perhaps something along the lines of ‘we know this isn’t as exciting as X but it’s our home and I’d be grateful if the eye rolling and negative comments can end now please.’

I think a lot of young people go through this phase after a short time away. They really do think they know everything. Usually something happens to make them realise that their old mom isn’t so daft after all. I know it happened to me and both My DDs (though I’d like to think I wasn’t rude I probably was!) and it All works out ok in the end.

I haven’t read the thread because I expect it’s full of “she’s an adult, don’t pander to it” and “she’s still a child” posts. But the truth is it’s just a phase (like all those other ones you’ve been through) and no doubt she’ll find her equilibrium somewhere in the middle and you’ll re-establish a new adult relationship soon enough.

happy Christmas!

I think you need to tell her what you've said here: pretentious, criticizing/eye rolls/shrugs, etc.
Her behaviour, although perhaps typical for her age having been away from home and feeling somewhat sophisticated now, is just rude. I'd tell her to smarten up.

I think this is normal. As you get older and more independent you begin to look back at your parents lifestyle choices. And will learn to reduce the verbal thoughts but no harm in you being the first to say how it’s hurting your feelings.

I don't think this is a new thing. I was insufferable when I came back from my first term and this was the 00s. She's probably exhausted and a bit discombobulated.

It will pass!

I found the first holidays really difficult as I felt I didn't belong at home any more, but wasn't totally sure I belonged at uni either. I remember wondering which was now "home" and if I'd ever feel I belonged somewhere again.

It was also hard going from the freedom of living independently with friends around to being back in a small village where there were not people my own age I particularly got on with and dire bus service so reliant on being given a lift to do anything and parents who were rather overprotective.
I'd cut her a bit of slack.

What a load of crap

👀

Ah Op, we had similar when our son came home from uni that first Christmas. He was mild mannered and had never given us any problems as a teenager, but we got lots of opinions that year.

The most famous one (and friends still remember me regaling it) was that I cut carrots the wrong way!

Keep calm and laugh, it does get better - he is still living at home in mid twenties and is a joy to have here - although can be a little bossy, and we still disagree on some aspects of cooking!

Our DD has not yet lived away, but has been travelling twice. She arrived back from first trip at end of Nov 19, and had me in tears a few times that Christmas, including the main day itself. Unfortunately her plans to go straight off again were scuppered by Covid but she went eventually and is a much nicer person now too.

This thread is so useful. My DM was the blow up back at you kind. So much good advice here for when DD and DS are older.

My DC did not go to university and left home for work at 18. The change in dynamic was abrupt but also less ambivalent; we went from parent-teenager to parent-adult child in one leap. That is not to say that I did not sometimes feel anxious and a bit wistful in the early months but knew I needed to push through. The main thing was not to ask lots of questions or dispense advice but be patient and wait for info to be offered or advice to be requested.

University offers a transition to adulthood so you potentially see more of them than you might otherwise have done but also that it might be messy as your child yo-yos between a student bubble (itself not representative of wider adult life) and a home situation where the very real danger is that child and parent slip back to the sixth form years.

Personally I would gently push back against some of the behaviour (perhaps with some humour as suggested) but also not expect or suggest any parent-child socialising; wait to see if it is requested; it might not be this vacation, but might be next time. It is good that your daughter continues to get on well with her sister and that is something to be cherished.