Daughter back from University - she’s all tuts and eye rolls :-(

[TheBramley]

I missed her so bloody much and was so excited to see her. I’m finding this so hard. I think I missed her less when she wasn’t here. Our home town is crap apparently and she can’t wait to get away forever and can’t understand why we ever put up with it. She’s been home since Friday and I’ve just been told I don’t buy the right bacon or pesto and the hot water tap temperature isn’t good enough - other than that she’s in her room talking to friends or asking for lifts at mad times. Bit sad. ☹️

My son is nearly 19 and doing an apprenticeship so lives at home. He is pleasant and polite but doesn't spend any time with me. We have a quick chat some days but he's either in his room, at the gym or out with his mates. The only time we really spend together is birthday or Xmas type meals. Of course I'd love to do something with him but I understand he has his own life.

I see a lot of these types of threads and I wonder what’s happened to young people. Me and my friends grew up so much at uni and used to come back and have a great time with our families acting like the adults we were. I guess young people must mature differently these days. I talk to people with rude, surely 18 year olds who are behaving like you’d expect a 13 year old to behave. Treat her like the adult she is. You wouldn’t accept that behaviour from another adult, so don’t accept it from her. A frank conversation about maturity and behaving like the adult she is need to be had.

Thanks so much for posting this, it’s very honest and self aware. Isn’t it interesting how we blame our parents for stuff when perhaps some of the blame lies with us. Often only when we become parents ourselves is there that dawning realisation.

Here, by your mum not insisting on respect, you didn’t give it and therefore ended up not liking how you behaved with her. Where is the blame? Once a child is 18, should there still be a parent/child dynamic or should the child take more responsibility for the relationship and it become parent/adult, or is this solely the responsibility of the parent? An interesting discussion I think.

It’s one thing to be ‘needy’ in the sense of putting emotional burdens onto your children. I agree that’s not good and causes stress- as you say, the parent should be the ‘provider’. It’s quite another thing to encourage communication with your child and have an adult conversation about why they’re behaving like this. In my opinion, just responding with anger, in an authoritarian way (my house my rules), or acting in a deeply passive aggressive way as I’ve seen many users suggest here is a very fast way to destroy any relationship with your child and keep whatever ‘feud’ is occurring here going strong. Just sitting down and having a basic conversation about their behaviour surely encourages an actually healthy relationship between mother and child.

My brother went awol when he had gone to uni and had come back in a break, went missing for days. We were really worried about him and my Mum was panicking, this is before mobiles phones. He rocked up one morning and we told him off for not even calling us to let us know he was OK. He went ballistic 'I'm an adult and you can't tell me what to do!' That wasn't the point, he could do as he pleased, we just wanted to know he was OK. I think it's first taste of freedom and suddenly you're all grown up. Your daughter will grow up a bit and realise you are her rock, she just doesn't appreciate it.. yet :) try to look at it like she's so happy at uni that everything pales in comparison for now. We all love our Mum's, just part of the growing up process. Big hugs x

She prefers the bath water in student accommodation? That's like the opposite to what 99% of students think when they come home.

She's only half way through the first year, if you ask me I think she'll be more grateful to see you as she draws closer to the end of Uni. If not, then definitely once she's graduated and lived in the real world for a bit.

Freshers can feel 'above' the rest of the world cuz they have best time out of anyone; no responsibility for studying, young wild and free, ect.

Well said. Being an adult doesn't confer an excuse for rudeness and entitlement.

(Is this?) first term at uni is when you realise that you CAN live independently without your family nearby. It’s tremendously exciting - new friends learning to eat, sleep and live together. You get very close to your new buddies, all going through the same new experiences together. And probably quite a bit of your social life is laid on for you too, with no-one dictating the rules. At the moment she feels invincible in her independence.
inevitably there will be things that knock this new confidence and she’ll realise that she still needs her Mum, and that she’s behaved insensitively. Hang on in there!!

I went to uni 50 years ago...after 1 term I return to my family home for Christmas with my adoring, proud parents....and behaved abysmally.

I went to Medical school, mixed with arrogant kids from private schools and experienced alcohol!
I got drunk at home on NYE , was embarrassingly obnoxious to my sweet and naive great aunts and I totally, utterly regret this ,50 years on .
Thankfully, my family were understanding and forgiving and I grew up ..quickly, once I realised how awful I had been.

Guessing DD will do the same.
So much to experience at uni , so much to learn....a big change.

Just keep loving her and she's going to be the girl she once was . Xxx

I think you need a grown up talk with her, to let her know how upset you are with her behaviour. Most kids go through some period like this but most ome out the other side side as humans.

Absolutely. She’s been listening to the new friends she’s made and swallowed their bullshit hook line and sinker. It will take some time, probably months if not years till she realises that home is better than anywhere else she could be at this time of year and by that time she will regret that she didn’t take full advantage of everything her home and family have to offer.

Don’t take her to task over it. Just do what you usually do and accept she’s growing up and trying to find her own views and opinions.

yes it’s hurtful and it’s not the way you brought her up, but didn’t you behave a little like that at her age?

I would recommend that when she says something like she will not be coming home in the summer- retort with "good as we are going away".
"you don't know what till its gone.."
Though you do not need to go as far as paving

Why is home automatically better than anywhere else? Many small towns are boring with nothing to offer and hanging out with family is often boring. It’s not a sin to feel like that. Like I said earlier I still feel that way in my 30s, I can’t stand my hometown.

It was thenopposite for me. I missed my parents and actually not seeing them daily reduced friction. So when I would come back for 1 or 2 weeks we had a great time. I spent nearly all my time with them. I want chatting to my mates.
Seems she made some bad decisions in terms of friends etc.

You're not ' hosting ' her, she's your child! And she is still a child, she's just encountered the big wide world and she can't find her feet. Give her time to get her balance and she'll appreciate her home and her family again.
Or teach her to be ' respectful' - really? You'll push her away .
Part of growing up is the phase where you think you know it all, but that soon gets knocked out of you. You don't need your Mum to be the one doing the knocking

This is very sensible.

MN does make me laugh. All the threads about ‘don’t let your kid out of your sight’ when they’re little: co-sleeping, baby wearing, couldn’t possibly allow your baby to cry for one minute or nap in a different room, etc, then as soon as they hit 18 it’s like BAM, sorry, you’re an adult. Off you go.

Parenting isn’t like that. You can’t helicopter them until 18 then suddenly expect them to be an overnight adult with adult behaviour and never need you again.

It’s a transition.

Uni is exciting and home life is boring, even in the 90’s it was the same, parents want it to be how it was before but that has long since gone.

Yes but kids can still be pleasant whilst at home which they manage to ime, no need to behave like stroppy 14yr olds

She is not a child she is 18 an adult !

She's in university she's not a teen
She's an adult