Daughter back from University - she’s all tuts and eye rolls :-(

[TheBramley]

I missed her so bloody much and was so excited to see her. I’m finding this so hard. I think I missed her less when she wasn’t here. Our home town is crap apparently and she can’t wait to get away forever and can’t understand why we ever put up with it. She’s been home since Friday and I’ve just been told I don’t buy the right bacon or pesto and the hot water tap temperature isn’t good enough - other than that she’s in her room talking to friends or asking for lifts at mad times. Bit sad. ☹️

Eldest son ( now 32, married and living a few minutes away in a house he owns) was an absolute knob at that age. At 22 he became human again. He used to ring me periodically to apologise for how difficult he had been . The rudeness was never accepted though. Being rude/ entitled/ PITA should be pointed out. Good luck Op. She's left home and thinks she's solved all the worlds problems can help you to do a better job of living your life. Hold strong. One day she'll do things just like you do.

I completely agree with this and @BefuddledCrumble
I was an awful teenager and I fell out it with my dm. We’re still not the same. To the point that when my ex was whacking me around I didn’t feel I could go home.

its hard I know (as the parent of a 16 year old!) but I agree. Hold firm. Act normally. She will come round.

I was an obnoxious snobby little shit to my parents when I came back from university terms. Looking back (shamefully), I can see that this was because I didn't have the self-confidence and assurance that I pretended to have when I was with my wealthy and worldly friends.

I did turn back into a decent person once I left university, though.

Oh dear I remember being that teenager. Give her a chance, remember she's still a kid emotionally despite being technically an adult. In 6 years time she'll cringe in embarrassment remembering how awful she was now. This isn't to say to just swallow it. It's fine to say something sharp or sarcastic to her to highlight her judgemental snobbery. Just be ready to forgive her when she grows up.

Also the transition stage is hard . When dd used to come back from her dad’s id have missed her so much and she was awful.
Give her some time to adjust

I would pull your daughter up on her rudeness. Life at University might be amazing, but that's not an excuse to be rude. Tell her she more than welcome to buy her own bacon and pesto. The next time the boiler is due for a service, as the water isn't the right temperature, perhaps she'd like to direct the heating engineer and contribute to his Bill!! I'd also cut down/stop the lifts too! Growing up in my teens the market town I grew up in the New Forest, seemed boring. Last bus anywhere was 6 pm and coming home 8 pm!! As I grew up into adulthood, I realised how lucky I am. I had the best of both worlds, the stunning forest but equally not far from beaches.

She's an adult, pull her aside and talk to her, explain how she's making you feel.

Op
I hear you. I felt the same when my only child came home after starting uni.
It wasn't so much that he was rude, it was the lack of wanting to do things together. Spend time with me. Eat with us or cgAt with me.
That's the pulling away and becoming their own person.
Perhaps she's unhappy about something in her uni life and feels like she's too "grown-up" to tell you about it?
It's hard but it's a natural stage and I think you will get her back again as a daughter

Although admittedly I'm not quite at this parenting stage yet, I am very familiar with this dynamic. I've seen it in many other families and am sorry to say I also suffered this affliction, hopefully not too severely. It probably has a name, uni-twatitis or something. It's like you are finally technically an "adult" and want to prove and feel it, but you overshoot. Keep gently marking the right point for her to come back to op, it sounds like you have a lovely relationship so I'm sure she will. x

Agh I really feel for you!

Completely normal obnoxious stage I'm afraid. I remember feeling that leaving uni for Christmas in my first year was like the end of the world and everything at home was so boring and not at all like the shiny new life I had, and I had to go back to being the person I was before too and I hated it.

She will come around I promise. There will come a time when she realises how much she needs and misses you and the stability and familiarity of home and she will be running joyously to gaze upon the wonders of a full fridge.

It's a difficult transition for all involved, but try to hold strong for her. She'll remember how much she loves and needs you 😘♥️

Not just from my own experience I hasten to add- I've seen in with all 3 of my DC and we all survived 😊

This. Keep on keeping on and she'll emerge the other side

I remember this stage, but they do grow out of it and become lovely adults. It's hard to change from a life of new and exciting experiences at university to boring old home again.

Don't allow actual rudeness but roll your eyes at unimportant things. I seem to remember that the brand of hummus we had always eaten was suddenly not good enough. I suggested a bus journey to the nearest city to get the right brand was a solution but miraculously the one we had was deemed ok (and has been for the past twelve years).

I was the same. Back from uni and everything in our village took so long to get anywhere and I felt trapped. Missed my friends and independence and felt like a kid again. I'm pretty sure I was insufferable that first Christmas. Mum and dad maintained normality but periodically called me out on it and the thereafter I was fine. I think it's a hard moment and you push back on the people you know love you no matter what because they are your safe place to explore the big feelings (just like being a toddler!). We now have a great relationship and I'm not babied still - promise! It's just age and stage...

The frontal part of the brain, the part that controls judgement, isn't actually fully developed until around 25 years old. You actually can't expect a young person to behave like a full grown adult, their wiring isnt there yet, although of course there are still consequences for poor behaviour.

With all due respect, and I'm sorry for the breakdown of your relationship with your mum, you're extrapolating based on your own single experience. You feel your needs weren't appropriately met and none of us can know if that was reasonable or not in the circumstances, as we weren't there, but what it is making you do is tell the OP to accept disrespectful behaviour and that's not right.

It may well be a normal phase but the OP can - and should - make clear what her perfectly reasonable boundaries are without rejecting her daughter. The OP is also entitled to feel sad about the way DD is behaving and the change to the relationship she valued. Parents aren't secondary individuals.

The first time they return home is the worst ime.
They're just finding their feet and have got used to the freedom so it's hard to be back with parents.
I gave dd space and didn't fall out over it and it all became easier as her time at uni went along. Dd did eventually become a nice person to have around again during her visits home. She's back living with us now and it's all good.
I wouldn't tolerate rudeness but they've got out of the habit of being with you and feel they don't need you to look after them anymore.
It's all normal for the process of them standing on their own in the world.

Her behaviour isn’t ok, but to offer a different insight I remember finding out of term time hard and being keen to get back to university. You’re used to having your own space, doing what you want, eating when you want and not having to tell anyone where you’re going/ what you’re doing. Then suddenly you’re away from friends and life as you know it for weeks. Maybe she’s struggling with the transition.

And dd now acknowledges she was a nightmare and moody in that first home visit.

Maybe it wasn’t such a different insight after all! 🤣

I don’t think it’s that unusual.
My take on that is that they revert back into negative teenage mode when they go back home with the added feeling they now know best.
I found that the best way to cut through that is to spend a day together on a 1-1 basis, away from home. Going out to have lunch somewhere seem to be a good way to let them open up and have much nicer discussions.

fwiw your dd isn’t the only person who, having lived somewhere else, is swearing they would t go back to live where they grew up!!

I remember my own student days and the switch from the intensity of uni life to home was always hard. For my own children I always reckon they need a week to recover from a term away so expect them to be grumpy and isolate themselves for a week while they adjust and then they gradually re-emerge.

Just be solid, be safe, be consistent and remember you’re the adult - you can reasonably expect politeness and decent manners, but it’s not our kid’s jobs to meet our emotional desire to feel close to them. Am sure she will be fine in a few days xxx

My parents did the whole 'we're still the adults around here' stuff and never really moved on.

How I handle this transition period sets the tone for future me. The teens are clumsy, giddy with their new adulting and they get it wrong but so do I.

Because my parents got stuck at the ' we know best, you'll learn stage' we've never moved on. I'll mention a fact related to my profession, my dad will say automatically 'i don't know about that'. My mum's instinct if I suggest something is to research it independently before agreeing. And it probably started with the scoffing at me telling them about cooking dried pasta rather than opening a tin of spaghetti hoops.

My relationship with them is purely one of duty, rarely enjoyment.

So when your kid comes home and tells you of the availability of red pesto, I see it as a foundation, how I react sets the pattern for the future. Do I want to hear from my kids about what genuinely is new in the world.

So at what point do you reckon a mother can ask for a little bit of consideration?
"She's a teen, its her job to go crazy" No, no it's not but if it is, she can do it on her own time at uni.

Agree with this. There are some horrible replies on this thread, as if we only treat our children nicely when they’re pleasant to us?

That’s not how it works.

She’s presumably only 18/19 and has gone through the biggest life change she’s ever experienced with loads of independence and has now come back to her old life. It’s hard.

If she’s rude to you, pull her up on it, but gently - “hey, that’s a bit rude, I don’t like that’ - rather than kicking off.

Agree with pp who suggested she goes and does the food shop (but agree with her beforehand some basics you need!) She’ll probably be glad of the responsibility.

Can she drive and does she have access to a car? If so she could provide her own transport.

Most importantly, bear with.