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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Daughter back from University - she’s all tuts and eye rolls :-(

270 replies

TheBramley · 17/12/2024 23:19

I missed her so bloody much and was so excited to see her. I’m finding this so hard. I think I missed her less when she wasn’t here. Our home town is crap apparently and she can’t wait to get away forever and can’t understand why we ever put up with it. She’s been home since Friday and I’ve just been told I don’t buy the right bacon or pesto and the hot water tap temperature isn’t good enough - other than that she’s in her room talking to friends or asking for lifts at mad times. Bit sad. ☹️

OP posts:

velodrome · 17/12/2024 23:45

Their brains aren’t fully mature until they are about 25 apparently. Smile and nod and change the subject where you can. It’s a hard time of life she’s in.
Objectively it may be completely true that where you live isn’t the best for young people who want to be independent. She probably doesn’t mean to be so rude about it but she’s seeing that and really feeling it, as she has had a little taste of independence living away. but that’s all healthy and normal.
Can she use a bike to get about under her own steam? Can you delegate some household tasks with her to make it slightly more grown up at home and allow her to show you some of her independent skills?
Be prepared also that at any time she may want to be a young teen or child again when she’s at home. It’s a strange adjusting time in life for you both. Go easy on yourself too.

betterangels · 17/12/2024 23:45

SSRI · 17/12/2024 23:35

Please stay and remain her rock. This is my thing on MN... I lost my mum not literally but during this period I was difficult and my mum in my eyes just ditched me, she felt like her job was done and just judged me instead of helping me. She literally needs you to be there and to feed her. She resents it because she is on the cusp of adulthood and so close to being able to do it all herself. Enjoy the resistance because she needs you. She won't one day.

She's a 20 year old adult behaving appallingly. 20 year old is not 'cusp of adulthood' anywhere but on MN.

LuckyLuchi · 17/12/2024 23:46

I am so glad I found this post! I am in a very similar boat, and have difficult feelings, sadness, missing the girl I sent off to uni in September, like a pp said.. it's somehow multiplied because it's Xmas, family time, I looked forward to us being all together again so much..I am happy to hear of people who experienced it and are saying that their DC came around eventually..
Hugs to you op and to all who are in the same boat x

Guest100 · 17/12/2024 23:46

It’s just a stage. She is just playing adult. Picture her at age 10 wearing your high heels pretending to cook. Just ignore the winging and enjoy the good moments. If she gets too bad give her chores and turn the wifi off until it’s done.

Differentstarts · 17/12/2024 23:47

Could you plan some nice things with her to spend a bit more time with her like going out for lunch, shopping trip, cinema etc rather then just hanging out around the house

NornIsland · 17/12/2024 23:47

TheBramley · 17/12/2024 23:31

Thank you for your replies - I’m grateful. I’m a bit sad with it all but I’m not a total doormat to be honest - I told her she can buy different cuts of bacon or red pesto if she wants. I’ve not done all the lifts.mm either. It’s more that I hoped (assumed) we would spend some quality time together when she got back. She’s not even slightly interested. We used to do stuff all the time. Her door is almost always shut which never happened before she left in September.

We used to do stuff all the time. Her door is almost always shut which never happened before she left in September.

My guess is she's separated from a lover and is feeling it....

Great thats shes out and about having a busy social life in your 'crap home town'.

Just keep an eye on her actions rather than her words which likely reflect her being unsettled during transition.

crouchendtigerr · 17/12/2024 23:48

Just ignore. I was way worse if that helps. I'm pretty certain my mother cursed me, my eldest does nothing but criticise me.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 17/12/2024 23:50

Jabtastic · 17/12/2024 23:24

This is a natural stage unfortunately BUT you really don't have to tolerate rudeness and you certainly don't have to provide unlimited lifts.

Sometimes it's good for people to experience the law of natural consequences!

Absolutely not a natural stage .

My DD has never behaved like this .

It's disgraceful behaviour.

You get what you are prepared to put up.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 17/12/2024 23:55

Honestly some of you need to pick your bar up off the floor.

Its not a stage. Its not natural.

Good grief.

Original poster

TheBramley · 17/12/2024 23:56

I don’t think she’s done anything really awful, but the idea of a meal and shopping in our local town is apparently not very appealing - I was looking forward to it. She’s also here but not here - she’s just shut away in her bedroom. I miss her more than I did when she was 300 miles away.

OP posts:

healthybychristmas · 18/12/2024 00:01

I went through this, it's so horrible isn't it! They do get past that stage but it's one of the worst stages I think. There's usually a little bit of contempt in there and if you haven't experienced that from her before it's really shocking for you.

If she complains about the food just say a whole Tesco is still open if you want to pop along? If she complains about your cooking just down tools immediately and say you carry on sweetheart. If she really is nasty to you then just before you know she wants a lift, though she hasn't asked, make sure you're out of the house!

mykettle · 18/12/2024 00:01

Please listen to @SSRI who is talking perfect sense, your DD has been back a matter of days and she's finding her way. Absolutely no need to go in hard with the tough love nonsense that is being suggested. It's totally understandable you feel sad, I did too. But I have the most wonderful relationship with my DD27 now maybe partly because I wasn't reactive to stuff like this.

ILoveAnOwl · 18/12/2024 00:05

I was the same my first Christmas back from uni. What I didn't tell anyone was that I'd just had my heart broken for the first time and was so sad. They just thought I hated them all.

NeverSeenAFarmerOnABike · 18/12/2024 00:08

@SSRI is spot on. Don't fight with her. And don't turn the WiFi off for goodness sake! She's figuring out what her relationship is like with you now and everything is shifting. Her town looks different, her home looks different, you look different, she herself is certainly different although she's not able to see the biggest ways she has changed. Be steady, measured and consistent.

Oodiks · 18/12/2024 00:10

ILoveAnOwl · 18/12/2024 00:05

I was the same my first Christmas back from uni. What I didn't tell anyone was that I'd just had my heart broken for the first time and was so sad. They just thought I hated them all.

Awwww

MumblesParty · 18/12/2024 00:11

I noticed this with my son when he came home after his first term. I think it’s a strange situation for them. They’ve been away, and had to learn pretty fast how to be independent. They feel proud that they’ve achieved it, and then they start to get arrogant. The buzz of independence makes them think they’ve worked out how to do things better than their parents - different food, different hours, different everything. I also think they find it hard to readjust from being completely free to do what they like, to having to live within a family again. With DS I’ve noticed he returns to normal after about a week usually, and slips back into his pre-university ways. He’s in his second year now, and each holiday has got easier.
That said, we live in a quiet little village and he’s at uni in a big cosmopolitan city, so it’s inevitable that he’s going to get bored at home. But he has home comforts here, as well as free food/heating/wifi - so it’s swings and roundabouts.

Shoezembagsforever · 18/12/2024 00:15

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be very saddening.

I remember an episode of Wife Swap years ago before I had children that really stayed with me. One wife was super friendly to her children and one was quite austere and cold. I was really taken aback at the reunion scenes, when the friendly mum got a rather lukewarm reception, but the austere mum's DCs were so adoring in comparison.

This didn't influence my parenting in any way, but whenever I hear about teenagers treating their parents (usually mums) badly, my mind always goes back to this.

Original poster

TheBramley · 18/12/2024 00:18

Thanks everyone. I really wanted to get out and do stuff with her - she’s just shut away in her room and anything I suggest just gets shrugged at. She’s ‘thick as thieves’ with her sister, laughing away and while that makes me happy I wish she would spend even a little time with me, like she used to. It seems every interaction I’ve had with her is a request or mild complaint. I want a hug and a cup of tea with her but while she’s polite enough, she feels like a paying guest right now.

OP posts:

Mmhmmn · 18/12/2024 00:21

She’s gone to uni, lived with peers, and suddenly knows everything.
She could use an honest talking to about how her behaviour and comments come across, how it makes you feel.

Sometimes people spend such a lot of time thinking about how things and people affect them that they spend no time or mental effort thinking about how their behaviour affects others.

cherrylips · 18/12/2024 00:22

My daughter started being like this 3 months after turning 17. She’s slightly better now she’s been away at uni since September. It is so annoying and highly upsetting at times. I try to let it go over my head but sometimes I bite back and lose my temper with her. Less so now as she appears to be maturing at last.

The last 12 months have been a hard slog but she seems to be turning a corner now. Hope your daughter turns this corner soon.

Tearsricochet · 18/12/2024 00:23

Would you speak to her and tell her how you feel?

Peanutssuck · 18/12/2024 00:29

My eldest DD was like this when she came home from Uni for the first time....kind of a superior attitude, because she knew everything and I knew nothing. She was insufferable the whole 3 years, didn't improve much when she finally finished Uni and moved back to our area to flatshare. Finally we're back on track, but it took for her to go thru a lot of life lessons before she was herself again.

Ohthatsabitshit · 18/12/2024 00:36

I think it’s such a shock really the first time. It gets better again. ☕️

tiptoesfirst · 18/12/2024 00:36

I remember after I was first away from home I found it incredibly hard going back. I'm not sure that there was any way round it really. I had just moved on and it was so hard to move back. I had to stay at home for another year after that to do my finals and it was extremely challenging after having experienced life in a new place and a 9-5 job.

Spangledangle · 18/12/2024 00:36

I was like this once at that age. Got told in no uncertain terms by my no nonsense mother that I was being a twat and to pack it in. I grew out of it and me and mum are as close as ever. Tell her straight that she's being rude and you don't want to hear her it.Other than that drown it out and carry on as you always do she'll come round.

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