Daughter back from University - she’s all tuts and eye rolls :-(

[TheBramley]

I missed her so bloody much and was so excited to see her. I’m finding this so hard. I think I missed her less when she wasn’t here. Our home town is crap apparently and she can’t wait to get away forever and can’t understand why we ever put up with it. She’s been home since Friday and I’ve just been told I don’t buy the right bacon or pesto and the hot water tap temperature isn’t good enough - other than that she’s in her room talking to friends or asking for lifts at mad times. Bit sad. ☹️

Is your home town a shit hole though? I quickly came to the realisation mine was when I left for university and over 20 years on I still think it is a shit hole and would never move back. I used to try and encourage my parents to retire elsewhere. I think they were fully aware it was shit but obviously they'd built their lives there and had friends. I'd suggest ignoring that part of her moans or telling her she has told you multiple times and it's getting boring to hear.

Regarding the food I would suggest you tell her she is more than welcome to go to the shops and pay for the food she wants.

Pulling away from parents is a natural healthy stage of psychosocial development. It's part of individuating and forming our own identity, rather than simply becoming people pleasers to keep our parents happy.

If you re-read my post you will see I clearly said that rudeness doesn't have to be tolerated, nor do infinite lifts have to be given. But sometimes young people go a little bit hard at the pulling away, it's like a pendulum and then finds the way back to the centre.

Humour the rudeness "oh, that sounds nice, can you pick some up at the supermarket....." etc.

Absence makes the heart grow stronger...

I'd just be honest - it's usually the best way, with people we are close with. "I know it's not very exciting here, but I want to make the best of the time we have, and find it upsetting that you don't want to spend any quality time together". My mum was always quite vocal, and we've always been quite close.

If she's an arse about it, there's not much you can do, except not be a doormat (why are you giving her lifts?), and hope that she'll grow out of it one day.

Sorry you are disappointed though OP - it's tough when things we look forward to, are unexpectedly a bit naff. Try not to put too much expectation on Christmas, just in case x

She's branching out and trying (albeit not well) to explore and grow up. Let her lash out on pesto, it will pass. It's an explorative time, do not pander to any of it and she will calm down and learn! Transitions are seldom smooth

If my daughter came back from Uni and said our Town was crap I would probably agree. I feckin hate living in here.

I'd be busy and have less time for her until the chip has dropped off her shoulder. It will do in the future and if not, she'll be an arrogant person who you could do without.
May sound harsh, but if we do what we can for our DCs and they aren't friendly it's not our fault. (I have one who has been through this and out the other side I gave her space and she's lovely again now, the other one has more recently started it).

Is my daughter staying at your house, OP? It sounds like it!

Mine was the same over Xmas hols in the first year. My house was crap, the town crap etc. All her friends apparently had better Christmases in big houses with gifts of £1,000 diamond bracelets just from their SIBLINGS - God knows what the parents were meant to have given them.

I don’t believe much of that was true - this Instagram generation seem to be complete snobs trying to outdo each other with tales of exaggerated wealth.

We are not badly off - although I don’t squander money. The town her uni is in is pretty but the uni itself is not high ranking - I simply don’t believe all her friends’ parents are multi-millionaires!

She also claimed she needed pesto, balsamic vinegar and all sorts she never liked before. I didn’t see her cook with any of it!

She’s not back yet this hols. I do miss her and love her and hope we can get along. It’s an awful phase and hurtful. I work hard and it’s costing me a lot for her to be at uni - I’m doing it alone. I feel very unappreciated.

She'll be back. You are describing the first Christmas break we had with our eldest when back from first term of Uni. Fast forward a year and she will be the same old person, just a bit more appreciative of all that you do. It's part of them growing away from you and establishing their own independence before becoming proper adults. Our all grown up boy is just lovely again. Courage!

Our town is a bit crap I suppose - it’s a famous tourist destination and very picturesque, but no nightlife whatsoever, very staid and in recent years has got tired in places. I still thought she wouldn’t mind a Pizza Express or a Wagamama amd a peer at the municipal Christmas lighting provision. Nope. She’s just in pjs in her room and everything is ‘nah thanks’. We live in a village where the buses stop at 7pm so if she wants to see anyone in the evening it needs a lift. I’ve agreed to some lifts that I’m happy with and vetoed some that I’m not.

Have you asked her if anything is up?

Maybe tomorrow morning or at the weekend if you're working this week - just take a cup of tea/coffee up to her, sit on her bed and ask her how she is? Explain that you've missed her and just say what you said here. You were hoping to spend some quality time together because you've really missed her.

And ask her if everything is OK because she seems a bit different.

But I wouldn't dwell on it. If it's her first term she's still got about 5 more personalities to try out before she graduates. She's meeting a lot of new people and they'll be rubbing off on her.

Sounds like she lost all her manners at uni

It must be very difficult op, sounds like you've really made the effort to welcome her home

Sounds like Miss Manners needs to be told to move out and find something more suitable for her needs on her own dime.

Doesn’t everyone think their hometown is crap and their parents are losers at uni age? I mean, I’m 35 and I still feel like that so it’s not necessarily a passing phase

I agree. I’ve seen it happen so many times. However there is nothing to stop OP have certain expectations of her behaviour, and could say something like ‘I’m taking you out, we are leaving in 10 minutes so get ready.’ Telling her what you expect her to do. She might sigh and roll her eyes but don’t give her a choice and she might actually enjoy herself. My mum used to shout ‘This place isn’t a bloody hotel. If you are going to stay here you have to participate in family life.’ I’m sure that phrase has been used thousands of times in this context.

I was a knob for a good 18 months when I started uni. I was so cultured and political, and my parents just did not understand and thank god I was there to educate them on how to exist in the world they’d been successfully navigating for many years.

Anyway, I was less of a dick by 21 and my first job sobered me up no end.

Collecting DS at weekend, I am expecting this (minus the rudeness). He’s learning to fly, the world looks great from his new position and he has never been happier socially (outside of being home). Some great advice has been given, thanks to those who’ve contributed it has give me food for thought.

She will grow out of it, she is surrounded now by people who think they are the most intellegent people in the entire world... it happens to everyone.

However if she is rude, call it out there and then so she gets the pictures.

Well, she’s a big Billy bollocks of an adult now, who can buy her own pesto or bacon and pay for her own transport. Also, with the eye rolling, ask her if she needs to go to Specsavers, as there’s clearly something wrong with her eyes.
If she really wants a lift she can be taken back to her uni town and stay there for Christmas 👋🏼
I wouldn’t take that crappy attitude.

Presumambly this is her 1st time away from home?
She's suddenly thrown into a mad, colouful, world, meeting new people with varied backgrounds and experiences.
They all are trying to be sophisticated and grown up. If it were the 60s, they'd all be smoking Gauloises and quoting Satre. However, this also means they look at 'home' and suddenly, it is dull and unsophisticated, and family is sooo boring...
She'll be back to green pesto (which is authentic) and wanting you to look after her by next term!

I love this. Love it.

Don't be daft. The majority of posters have said that their children went through this. Why so arrogant? Do you think they all are lying? Did you never challenge your parents, or merely behave perfectly and wear a halo which you then passed on to your prefectly behaved child?

But teenagers know everything. And a whole term of Uni means they can’t understand how they tolerated life before. Mine couldn’t imagine how they’d ever survived living in a cottage of all things in a village, yet many years later neither live in a city or even a major town.
It wears off, from memory they get a lot better at 20/21. And you can roll your eyes back at her!