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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughter back from University - she’s all tuts and eye rolls :-(

270 replies

TheBramley · 17/12/2024 23:19

I missed her so bloody much and was so excited to see her. I’m finding this so hard. I think I missed her less when she wasn’t here. Our home town is crap apparently and she can’t wait to get away forever and can’t understand why we ever put up with it. She’s been home since Friday and I’ve just been told I don’t buy the right bacon or pesto and the hot water tap temperature isn’t good enough - other than that she’s in her room talking to friends or asking for lifts at mad times. Bit sad. ☹️

OP posts:
GreenTeaLikesMe · 18/12/2024 03:08

Is "Be this person's rock" the new version of "Be kind"?

What a load of rubbish.

OP, it's fine to put your foot down.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 03:30

SSRI · 17/12/2024 23:30

I'd treat her the exact same. You're her rock. Give her lifts, feed her the same food as you always would and if she's disappointed let her be so. You can control her, you can just be the rock she needs m, the rock she needs to bash against a little for now but that she will appreciate in the future.

I had a mum who when I went off the rails went off straight back at me. It was the last thing I needed and I still resent her for it. She's a teen, it's her job to go crazy. You need to hold steady. She'll come back.

This bratty behaviour from @TheBramley 's daughter is completely unacceptable.

Only assume that OP lives somewhere that isn't a major city , as most teens who live in cities are used to getting around without parental lifts from around the age of 14.

Yes, teens can be arseholes, but assuming this girl is 18, so should have left the arseholery behind.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 03:32

GreenTeaLikesMe · 18/12/2024 03:08

Is "Be this person's rock" the new version of "Be kind"?

What a load of rubbish.

OP, it's fine to put your foot down.

Absolutely! at 18 to be someone's ''rock'' while they take you for a Cnut?

No thanks!

By all means be there for your adult children, but sounds like she's acting like a 13 year old.

oakleaffy · 18/12/2024 03:45

betterangels · 17/12/2024 23:45

She's a 20 year old adult behaving appallingly. 20 year old is not 'cusp of adulthood' anywhere but on MN.

Show quote history

20! I assumed 18, acting 13..that's really appalling behaviour. Lifts at 20? No.

Franjipanl8r · 18/12/2024 04:39

Yes she obviously has been a bit rude to you but I’d be more concerned about why she’s just in her room doing nothing. Doesn’t she have any friends or interests? I never hung out with my mum like I would a friend during uni holidays. I was always busy doing other things.

Eyerollexpert · 18/12/2024 04:41

BanditoShipman · 17/12/2024 23:37

I had to check I hadn’t written this!!! Love my dd to bits, miss her so much but it takes 20 mins of her being back before I want to kill her 😂😂

I think I miss the idea I have of my dd in my head rather than the reality!

im going for ignoring the bad behaviour as much as possible, if really bad challenging it. And remembering that I was a nightmare at this age too and went back to normal about 25. It is difficult for them, trying to exist in two ‘spaces’, one where they are adults with fun nights out etc and one where they revert almost to stroppy teens back at home where it’s ‘boring’. I feel your pain x

3 years ago I could have written this too. My DD2 has now finished Uni and been home for a few months working full-time. At uni everything was on her doorstep, lovely city, lots to do and ppl to see. We live rural and she doesn't drive, plus lots of friends are now scattered around the country. She has decided to move to another city got a good job and is excited. They all have to adjust and the wrong bacon makes me laugh had that one too! 3 more years and your done, it will go quick but I warn you then it's a different set of problems. 😀

TammyJones · 18/12/2024 04:43

Ratisshortforratthew · 18/12/2024 01:56

Doesn’t everyone think their hometown is crap and their parents are losers at uni age? I mean, I’m 35 and I still feel like that so it’s not necessarily a passing phase

My kids left for uni and settle in their uni city.

TheBlueRobin · 18/12/2024 05:01

Oh wow this thread reminds me of my time at university. I was actually very homesick after the first term and enjoyed being back at Christmas but that first summer, I clashed with my Mum horribly! I was goid as gold as a teenager in school but that first whiff of independence, I grew up in a rural village and went to uni in a city where everything was walking distance. I would get the bus myself to see friends, do work experience but still need the odd lift. The constant questions did my head in. My mum was a bit heartbroken I wasn't interested in spending time with her as her only child and she really struggled more than most when i left. But I felt stuck at home, very stifling especially with my parents' dysfunctional marriage. She thought we'd fall back into our routine again. Things got better when I graduated and we became really close again. She's now passed away and I never really apologised for my behaviour when I was 19.

user263758988 · 18/12/2024 05:17

SSRI · 17/12/2024 23:30

I'd treat her the exact same. You're her rock. Give her lifts, feed her the same food as you always would and if she's disappointed let her be so. You can control her, you can just be the rock she needs m, the rock she needs to bash against a little for now but that she will appreciate in the future.

I had a mum who when I went off the rails went off straight back at me. It was the last thing I needed and I still resent her for it. She's a teen, it's her job to go crazy. You need to hold steady. She'll come back.

This!!!!!

Wilfrida1 · 18/12/2024 05:18

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/12/2024 02:57

I love this. Love it.

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Me too. This is so, so true. I have been there, done that and got the T shirt, with a son. They have to adjust to being back home, and resent their wings being clipped for the holidays and having to rvert to home rules and traditions - and limitations.

PS. Put a jar of red pesto in her Christmas stocking, and ask her to cook for you one night to show you how good it is.

BCBird · 18/12/2024 05:20

I remember holidays were difficult when I returned from uni. I had no money and all my friends were elsewhere. I begged my friend who dropped me off not to leave me. I was not rude however. No car family so no lifts. Don't tolerate the rudeness.

Petrasings · 18/12/2024 05:38

Your dd has found her wings, has enjoyed flying around and now she finds herself back in the nest. Of course she loves you, but she wants to live life her way and likes her new found freedom. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, but doesn’t like going back to being a child needing lifts. I pull up my dd on rudeness but not make a thing of it. That sounded snappy, please be polite is enough.

It is acclimatising again, they find it hard. It’s just a stage. The first year is the hardest.

isthismylifenow · 18/12/2024 05:46

She will come around OP.

My dd at the same age lived elsewhere for a few years and came back home for holidays. She was quite similar and after a few visits I sat and had a chat with her about what was going on.

She said she found it a bit difficult to just slot back into life as it was. She was used to now being more independent in doing her own thing, eating what she wants when she wants, not needing permission for anything iyswim.

I got her pov and stepped back completely as I could see I was pressuring her without realising. She wasn't the same dependant child that left a year prior and I was still treating her like she was.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/12/2024 05:58

Screamingabdabz · 17/12/2024 23:40

Can’t believe some of the replies on here. Yes she’s a dick. That happens when young people go to uni. They become idealistic and insufferable. It’s a rite of passage and many of us did similar things with our own crusty boring parochial parents. Just roll your eyes and ignore it like they did. She’ll grow out of it. One day.

This.
It's an adjustment being home. Just be your own self. Don't run around doing everything she wants but grab the moments. I am in my 60s and remember that time we'll. Part of you loves that home is the same, a safe and secure place where you can always go. The other part finds it boring and you miss the excitement of college / friends/ freedom. Not long after l really appreciated my parents and what they provided there for me. My own kids went through the same but now they are fantastic.

As for lifts when you live rurally it's par for the course so l happily did it when it suited me.
Don't think I this is life forever, just a stage.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 18/12/2024 06:06

Oh I remember this very well… both for myself and when DS came home for his first Christmas from uni.

There was definitely quite a frisson in the air as he showed me the ‘best way to make scrambled eggs’ and a few other things I’d originally taught him 🤣

Going forward, I think I just used to ask ‘for catering purposes’ when he was going to be around as the volume of food that needed cooking was huge.

He’s back for Christmas from his overseas job, and I think we’ll have a few days of adjustment…

BlackChunkyBoots · 18/12/2024 06:07

I was an idealistic shitbag who put down my home town when I came back from Uni...well, guess what, that crap town has been regenerated and has become desirable...and now I'm middle-aged I want to go home!

morningtoncrescent62 · 18/12/2024 06:07

junebirthdaygirl · 18/12/2024 05:58

This.
It's an adjustment being home. Just be your own self. Don't run around doing everything she wants but grab the moments. I am in my 60s and remember that time we'll. Part of you loves that home is the same, a safe and secure place where you can always go. The other part finds it boring and you miss the excitement of college / friends/ freedom. Not long after l really appreciated my parents and what they provided there for me. My own kids went through the same but now they are fantastic.

As for lifts when you live rurally it's par for the course so l happily did it when it suited me.
Don't think I this is life forever, just a stage.

Show quote history

I could have written that. I'm also in my 60s now, with two brilliant DDs in their 30s, living life their way. This is just another stage on the way to fully independent adulthood. Your DD hasn't worked out how to be the adult version of herself around you yet, especially when she's still dependent on you for some things. Just be your calm, loving self. When she's rude, remind her that you have feelings too, and you won't put up with rudeness. Disengage if you need to in those moments where she's gone full adolescent and can't be reasoned with, rather than have a row. Encourage her to do things with the family, and to do her share of chores around the house - after all, she's an adult now. Set up as many opportunities as you can to have fun together. And cherish the last, precious fragments of her adolescence because she's almost ready to become your very, very special adult friend.

heartforacompass · 18/12/2024 06:14

BefuddledCrumble · 17/12/2024 23:30

This is your opportunity to teach your daughter one of the last and most important things. What treatment you will accept in an adult to adult relationship.

You don't need to give lifts to rude people.

You don't need to host people who criticise your home or grocery choices.

You are not the skivvy of a rude adult, no matter how much you love and missed them.

Put your foot down, and you can have a lovely respectful relationship.

Don't ,and you can expect one of those awful ones where the kid is 30+ and still treating and talking to their own mother like crap.

Edited

Well said!

Perplexed20 · 18/12/2024 06:16

All those saying put your foot down, I wonder how many have been through it.

Just be you. Yes tell her to buy her own bacon but this is a phase and yes this too will pass. My dd is now 22 and we went through versions of this from about 14. She is now delightful and I'm the person she tells when something exciting happens and the person she rings when upset. She appreciates us in a way she didn't before.
Just be there and this will pass.

I was terribly polite to my mother. Told her nothing.

DeffoNeedANameChange · 18/12/2024 06:17

Oh OP this must be so sad for you! Looking back I might have been a bit the same - I don't think it occurred to me that my parents might have missed me or want to spend time with me. I was just totally caught up in "being an adult", and coming home and sleeping in my childhood bedroom really didn't fit with my new image of myself.

FWIW such a big change in a short time, she's more than likely trying on new adult personas for size - she's unlikely to settle on this particular one, she'll probably come back round closer to her normal self. I'd also wonder if she's quite as happy at uni as she's making out. Maybe her sister will be able to talk to her about it.

RestitutionGranted · 18/12/2024 06:17

SSRI · 17/12/2024 23:30

I'd treat her the exact same. You're her rock. Give her lifts, feed her the same food as you always would and if she's disappointed let her be so. You can control her, you can just be the rock she needs m, the rock she needs to bash against a little for now but that she will appreciate in the future.

I had a mum who when I went off the rails went off straight back at me. It was the last thing I needed and I still resent her for it. She's a teen, it's her job to go crazy. You need to hold steady. She'll come back.

Yes, but. Not OK to be rude. You don’t have to get angry or upset to let her know you’re not ok with the tone etc

I have got two back from uni atm and my stock response is always if you don’t like the food (that I’ve actually put a lot of thought and effort into to please them) then by all means say what you’d like, cook it and serve to the family. That always stops any critiques as they are lazy.

Humour helps. Taking the piss a bit. It’s hard for them to adjust back to parent/child when they’ve had a taste of independence. So a bit of slack to be cut, and understanding given, but at the same time draw boundaries for yourself so you’re not a punchbag or slave.

JT69 · 18/12/2024 06:20

Aah the perfected “eye roll”. . Just tell her she might think she knows it all but you taught her how to use a spoon… shrug it off (unless she gets too rude).

It’s early days and she’s finding her feet in her new role as returning child but now not a child. Hope you get to spend a bit of time together .

Soontobe60 · 18/12/2024 06:23

Jabtastic · 17/12/2024 23:24

This is a natural stage unfortunately BUT you really don't have to tolerate rudeness and you certainly don't have to provide unlimited lifts.

Sometimes it's good for people to experience the law of natural consequences!

It might be ‘natural’ for a 14 year old to behave this way - I know my DDs certainly were like this as young teens - but for an 18 year old? It’s just rude and not acceptable. She needs to grow up.

Billybagpuss · 18/12/2024 06:26

Perfectly normal, mine was home for 4 weeks the first Christmas and awful for 3. Just nice long enough for me be upset when she left again. When she finished uni she decided to stay with bf in uni town 4 hours away, that lasted 3 years, she now lives 2 miles away from us with same bf.

Zanatdy · 18/12/2024 06:26

It’s quite common, I see it a lot in the WIWIKAU page. Thankfully my son was fine, but we live near London, so nothing to complain about on that front. Its far better than the other side which i’ve seen a few posts on the last 2wks or so, they hate uni and don’t want to go back. It’s good she’s having fun and totally normal that life is dull at home when you’re essentially living with all your mates. Let her know a meal out is an option, and leave her to it.