Daughter back from University - she’s all tuts and eye rolls :-(

[TheBramley]

I missed her so bloody much and was so excited to see her. I’m finding this so hard. I think I missed her less when she wasn’t here. Our home town is crap apparently and she can’t wait to get away forever and can’t understand why we ever put up with it. She’s been home since Friday and I’ve just been told I don’t buy the right bacon or pesto and the hot water tap temperature isn’t good enough - other than that she’s in her room talking to friends or asking for lifts at mad times. Bit sad. ☹️

Great advice! This bit is so hard! I remember my first critiquing my overcrowded kitchen cupboards on their first return home! But now I realise that when they are away for the first term at uni they have to be their very best version. When they get home they can relax and yes, even be rude and obnoxious! Take it as a sign of love and try not to knock that fragile confidence.

My feeling about this is that one day you will look back and laugh and she will look back and cringe. It’s a big thing going to Uni and she’s showing you how immature she still is. Don’t take it too personally, you sound like a great Mum, try to see the funny side (think you already do, looking at the title of the thread). My DS DD and DSD are all quite a bit older than this now and all have found ways to apologise for some of their earlier behaviour. She may have had to work very hard to keep up with others during her first term so she’s having a bit of a relapse in the safety of home. It’s wise and nice of you to do plenty of the lifts.

This was me. I was a nightmare when I came home for the holidays from uni. I grew out of it thankfully!

Oh please! How have we got to the point of scraping the barrel for such excuses? This 'adult' sounds like a rude and disrespectful brat. She needs to be told so, not pampered and indulged in her bad behaviour.

My daughters the exact same since being at uni. She’s turned into a bit of a brat tbh! I was looking forward to her going back after summer and im bracing myself for her coming home this Sunday. Im putting it down to her having a bit of independence has made her think she knows it all with a dash of attitude. She’ll snap out of it.

Oh the 'I'm too big for this lil old town' now is something many of us go through having ventured out and discovered new adventures and it's awful this attitude comes across as rude and belittling, which I know I was a bit guilty of as well. Needs to be taken down a peg or two, as I needed, a sharp stop being so rude and thinking you're the first to be young and free!

On the other hand we were also so happy and grateful to be home really, cooked meals, washing, family bonds etc. It seems students today live a much higher standard of lifestyle with so much variety, more expensive, don't scrimp and scrape and wash clothes in the bath, have one second hand winter coat, minimal clothes, one sturdy pair of boots for everything! Xx

Some people are very compliant as teenagers and rebel later. Some go crazy at 14. It's a stage people go through at some point but the age varies depending on home circumstances, personality etc.

Take comfort OP - this too shall pass!

The more I read excuses for poor behaviour/attitudes on social media the more I feel I must be some form of extreme freak of a human being. I went to uni both for undergrad and postgrad degrees (a couple of hundred miles away for the former) and I never felt the need to act like a tw@t to my family when visiting. Poor behaviour needs to be confronted before it becomes an entitlement and hardwired when anyone who has anything to do with the offending person may suffer.

honestly I'd sit her down and ask her what's going on. I'm 22 so only a couple of years out of first year uni, and I didn't behave like this when I came home for the holidays. Honestly, it seems less like just rudeness and more like barely concealed hostility. I've only ever acted like this once, and that was after I realised I was sexually assaulted and couldn't cope with anything, so took it out on my lovely mum. Not saying this is what has happened to your daughter at all, but it might be worth just sitting her down and genuinely asking her what's going on, especially if it's a massive behaviour change. It sounds dumb, but it might also be worth just encouraging her to have a bit of human empathy towards you. Sometimes we forget how our behaviour can affect others, especially with a loved one (taking your love for granted). Something like, 'it really really hurts me that you're treating me like this. I don't understand it, I've been so excited to see you and you don't seem happy to see me at all. Can I ask what is the cause of this behaviour? Why are you acting like this?'. Hope everything gets better for you and your daughter.

Ah isn't this just so normal. Hang on in there keep buying same bacon and pesto, keep water temp as it is, take no notice. Don't tell her you miss her, don't adjust everything for her, it may be a bit rocky this time round but I bet next holidays it's a dream. Nothing to do with manners and in any case you know she has them.

Lol well said

Little Wonder we have a load of immature 20 somethings out there if being a doormat about accepting rude behaviour is now the norm. Not exactly great for life training as an adult when you have to deal with all kinds of 'less than ideal situations' both personally and professionally and learn social niceties-

She's an adult now she needs to behave better or I'd be telling her she can spend the holidays on campus. If these are behaviours you allowed at home then I don't really know what to tell you but if not swiftly remind her how she was raised and while she's under your roof she's under your rules.

So much this. I left home at 17 and have never been back. No one to offload my on the cusp of adulthood nastiness to except people who would have punched me out for it. At uni you're at least 19. That's well into adulthood. If they're able to manage themselves all term they're able to manage their manners and behaviour at home.

It's also about the particular and special relationship of mother to child. At uni you are playing at being an adult, it's a weird time.

Those posters saying 'talk to her as an adult' and encouraging OP to share how she (totally understandably) feels, are missing the point. The mum isn't meant to have NEEDS. Being needy is reserved for the child in the mother / child dynamic in order for it to stay healthy. Fight me on this, it's true.

I'd tell her if she isn't happy at home or happy with the food you provide, she needs to find somewhere else to live whilst she's back

It’s normal for her to be less interested in family stuff and obsess over her new adult life at this stage. Let her go, she’ll come back. Be there for her in that respect.

However, that doesn’t mean you should put up with rudeness and treat her like a princess. Just treat her as you would any adult. I don’t get people saying “be there for her” over a bloody jar of pesto.

@Mandaxx25 and the fact that a poster says their relationship has never been the same as the mother wasn't there patting their head at a time they were being an entitled dickhead and was trying to enforce boundary's says more to me about that person than it does about the mother

You’re not “playing adult” at uni. You are an adult. People who infantilise their children generally get treated terribly by them while the parents just try to blame it on an under-developed prefrontal cortex (hugely misinterpreting the research FYI…). I witnessed this from my ex’s sister who was the same age as me.

I left for uni at 18 and never moved back home. I was an adult from the moment I left and I certainly wouldn’t have treated my mother like this when visiting her home (I left uni a couple a years ago now).

It’s absolute societally pushed bullshit to suggest that mothers should stoically behave to their children as if they have no needs of their own. Especially their adult children. It teaches the adult child to never even consider that their parents may even have needs or feelings of their own, and sometimes anyone else for that matter. It’s an important adult lesson to realise your own parents are human.

I totally agree @Ruffpuff - my 18 year old ( now 26) was in full time work and shared houses at 18 ( by choice) and used to love coming over every 2 weeks ( about 12 miles ) for a good home cooked from scratch meal, a better bed and to go for coffee in town etc - he went through his awful stage 13 to 16 - as you rightly say you aren't playing at being an adult , you are an adult and whilst in 'most' situations your parents will love and care about you - that doesn't mean it's ok to inflict any old shit on them and expect them to take it

Erm...no. she needs to grow up.

It's a phase and will pass You need to accept the transition from child to adult under your roof too though Don't run after her .

My brother spent thousands in court, to try and get visitation rights to his son (the mother is a real nasty piece of work), he eventually got them. After a while my nephew was getting more and more neglected by his mother, so my brother and sister-in-law spent even more money fighting to get full custody of him. They eventually did and gave him the best life he could ask for, he never went without and was shown nothing but love. He went away to Wales for uni, and then after a while he just suddenly completely cut my brother and sister-in-law off and no longer speaks to them. They've tried to find out why, because they have absolutely no idea what they could possibly have done wrong, as they've done nothing but support him. They took time off work and spent a lot of money to move him to Wales, and even stated there until he was completely set up. It seems that uni completely changes some kids, but not all, because my 2 sisters daughters are still just as wonderful as they always were.

No more lifts — you are unfit to drive due to consumption of inferior bacon and pesto.

Our eldest 20 can be like that but not about our house or food it's about the town we live in she wants to live in a city, as she is in college there and then hopefully university in the same city. Hopefully your daughter will realise her home comforts when she has been back a while.