To struggle with the future he's suggesting?

[UnderCou]

I've been with partner for around 6 years. We both live apart with our teenage dc from previous relationships.

My dc are 12 and 14, his dc are 17 and 18. Soon he'll stop the payments to his ex (once both 18). He currently rents a small house and his dds share a room when they stay. He has no assets and minimal savings, due to his age, buying a house would be tricky (no deposit and mid 50s).

I live in a house with my two dc, I've been paying off the mortgage for the last twenty years and all in own name. It will be paid off by 60.

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well. This would be so we could live together.

I can understand that he may like them to stay over, rather than just seeing them for lunch etc. However I suspect I'd have most of the costs of this and I don't want the upheaval of my dc.

His dds are lovely and I get on well with them, but there's a difference in values, for example they don't have part time jobs, he cleans up after them a lot etc. I'm not convinced that he will insist they get jobs at 18. I fear ending up being responsible for housing a lot of people when I'm in my 50s and looking to start winding down from a hectic working life.

He's a great dad, but I suspect the only realistic future we have is living apart. Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

I agree that you should stick with your current living arrangements.

Has he put forward any kind of financial plan to go with this idea, would he pay you any rent or is he just expecting to live there, is he suggesting a joint purchase or is he expecting you to put in a hefty initial downpayment. Unless you see this as a forever relationship I would be very cautious.

I wouldn't do it. Maybe in the future when they are established and no longer needing to live with him you might live together, but it doesn't seem like a good financial decision for you to take on the additional cost.

No way financially or domestically is this a god option for you. Put yourself first. Don’t do it.

I wouldn't even think about allowing him to move in before your youngest is 18

My friend and I were talking about this the other day. I absolutely think the best thing in these situations is to stay living apart. My FIL and his partner live separately. It means there is no confusion about what is who’s. What is hers is separate and there for her kids and her needs in future, and the same for him.

Nope. If you've never lived together then you don't want to try this for the first time by moving house. What if your DC don't like him living there, or he bosses them around, or anything goes wrong? Will it be you stuck with paying for a larger property? It feels like he has nothing much to bring to the party, and expects lots of change when his DC are 18, but yours are still young teens.

Personally I'd stick with the status quo until all the kids are grown up and then consider if you want to live together. Even then, make sure he's contributing the same deposit/rent/mortgage/bills as you are. More importantly, dont rush to get married when you're the only one with a big asset.

If his DDs are 18, aren't expected to clear up after themselves, or get a job, then there's your starter reasons why this wouldn't work out.

I think it very rarely benefits a financially established woman who is not wanting to have more kids to move in with a man. I'm mid-40s, divorced, don't want more kids and I am thrilled I don't have to put up with all the things my married friends put up with. You clearly can take care of yourself in every way, don't risk your happiness for someone who has no savings but wants you to provide space for him and his kids.

Thanks. He gets on well with my dc who see him about once a week but we have quite a good arrangement of visiting each other.

I dont want any upheaval for my dcs who are coming up to GCSE. My life plans also include paying off my mortgage and stepping back, the idea of a new mortgage or extending my house to accommodate more adults sounds stressful.

As he has no assets, he may pay some rent but I suspect I'd have to pay pretty much all costs. I'm more of a 'head' than 'heart' person so this doesn't work for me. It would be different if we would be downsizing to retire together to a little cottage etc.

He's seeing you as a meal ticket to some security for his (and his dd's) future. Don't do it! Keep your freedom, your own security (which was likely hard worked for) and just keep him in your life whilst it suits you. His poor choices earlier on in life and now limited financial circumstances could cost you dearly.

You have.worked all your life, been sensible with financial decisions and how you are bringing your dc up and because of this lifetime of effort and wisdom you will be more comfortable in your 60s. He hasn't and won't and that's very sad but you'd be a bloody idiot to take him and 2 young adults on.

Unless he's an incredibly hard working diy/ builder with a large pension so will improve your situation as much as you improve his I'd say no chance.

Also there's very little benefit in living with men sadly we still do more cleaning shopping cooking and general home management than them even when we love adore and have trained them for years. I'm 63 and I love my husband of 15 years to bits but I look back at my single parent years now and realise living alone is not that bad.

@Commonsenseisnotsocommon agreed, it feels like he's continuing the issues he created in the past. He is probably well aware that he's ten years from retirement and renting, he's got a pension but it won't cover rent or buying a house.

It doesn't seem to benefit you in any way (selfish I know of me)
You're going to be mortgage free by 60, but then if you upsize will this mean you will be paying for a mortgage beyond 60?

Plus whatever responsibilities of looking after his adult kids that won't clean up after themselves?

Also how would your kids feel and what is their best interest too?

dont do anything until your own children are 18, way to disruptive for them. Living together is very different to visits etc.

I’d also be very concerned that he proposed this but without a financial plan to discuss as well, it very much looks like he’s seeing you as a form of future security. It will be interesting to see what he does if you take that option off the table

No because it's all benefits for him and none for you. You will end up subsidising him and why should you? Also he waited until his kids are adults but is happy to disrupt your teens.

I'd say no but option to discuss again when your kids are adults. He can use the next few years of no maintenance to save and you could get somewhere together on a more equal footing (although remember to protect your assets for your kids)

100% no!

@HidingFromDd that's the thing, he knows I could afford to do this. Except after the decades of hard work and paying down my mortgage i feel exhausted and don't want more responsibilities.

To be fair it was me asking about the future, so he didn't announce out of the blue.

You’d be mad to go along with this.

You lived apart until his kids reached 18, yours deserved the same consideration. In 6 years time when your 12yo is 18, his will be mid 20's and probably with their own homes and little intrestin staying over. That's when you should consider moving in.

I’m reading between the lines but it sounds like you’re grappling with the awkwardness of turning this suggestion down.

I can’t imagine having the bloody cheek to suggest to someone what he’s suggesting. Men really are very different.

I'd start being explicit that you like things the way they are and don't want to change. I think it would be reasonable for him.to expect honesty from you, but not to expect housing.

As for the poor financial decisions etc, well all sorts of things happen in life and not everybody comes out on top. He's OK, he presumably has an income and has a roof, there's no urgency here.

I also wouldn't necessarily frame this as not being a heart decision. Ask yourself, if he won the lottery or something and was offering to buy a big place where you could all live together with all the bills paid, would you want to do that? My guess is that you wouldn't, because it is very deeply important in your heart to be able to protect yourself and your family and make your own decisions. I think that's fine.

I've ended up moving in with my dp once ds was 18, and it is going well, but there are inevitable compromises that I have to make, and risks to my relationship with ds. There's no way on earth you should take those downsides unless the upsides are really what you want.

I wouldn't do anything at all for the next few years.

By the time your dcs have finished A'levels, his DCs will hopefully have launched themselves into their independent lives.

IF that has happened, you could look at living together then if you wanted to, with all the usual legal protections in place. But until then, your dcs stability at home comes first.

His plan to withdraw financial support for two teens still living at home should be a massive red flag to you. Their mum is going to be left covering this solo.

This shows you something about his attitude to women and money and fairness.

It’s very one sided, you would have to sell your home and take on a bigger mortgage, your outgoings would rise. Your values would clash and you would expect his dc to clean up their own mess and whilst dad would infantile them. You are the one bringing up younger children, it’s their home whilst he rents and has his older children 3 x a week. IF you find the living arrangements don’t work out it will be you and your children that it will impact the most as his at 18 years can choose whether to stay or not. You would be the one lumbered with a bigger mortgage, with a home bigger than you need.
It makes more sense to stay as you are and once his adult c fly the nest to consider him moving into your home without any upheaval.

As he has no assets, he may pay some rent but I suspect I'd have to pay pretty much all costs. I'm more of a 'head' than 'heart' person so this doesn't work for me. It would be different if we would be downsizing to retire together to a little cottage etc

I think he’s got an absolute cheek! Why on earth should you pay all the costs for his housing and stretch yourself past your mortgage being paid off to house him and his adult children?

I can’t see any way that you’d benefit from this suggestion, and the fact you suspect he’s expecting you to fund this and only pay ‘some’ rent is an absolute joke.

Stick with seeing this from your head not your heart, this isn’t a joint plan that will benefit you or your kids at all, the only one to benefit is him, and harsh as it might feel you are not responsible for his bad financial planning, if you go with this terrible plan you’ll be supporting him for the rest of your life if his pension is going to be so low.