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Original poster

To struggle with the future he's suggesting?

272 replies

UnderCou · 15/12/2024 06:47

I've been with partner for around 6 years. We both live apart with our teenage dc from previous relationships.

My dc are 12 and 14, his dc are 17 and 18. Soon he'll stop the payments to his ex (once both 18). He currently rents a small house and his dds share a room when they stay. He has no assets and minimal savings, due to his age, buying a house would be tricky (no deposit and mid 50s).

I live in a house with my two dc, I've been paying off the mortgage for the last twenty years and all in own name. It will be paid off by 60.

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well. This would be so we could live together.

I can understand that he may like them to stay over, rather than just seeing them for lunch etc. However I suspect I'd have most of the costs of this and I don't want the upheaval of my dc.

His dds are lovely and I get on well with them, but there's a difference in values, for example they don't have part time jobs, he cleans up after them a lot etc. I'm not convinced that he will insist they get jobs at 18. I fear ending up being responsible for housing a lot of people when I'm in my 50s and looking to start winding down from a hectic working life.

He's a great dad, but I suspect the only realistic future we have is living apart. Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

OP posts:
Bettyboo111 · 15/12/2024 09:40

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 09:30

Well it might work still. As a casual but committed relationship. It’s worked to now, so there is no reason to think it has to end.
I am not sure I would want to remain with him, as I think once you start to travel - he might struggle to fund himself and you can’t bankroll his lifestyle op.

Show quote history

What commitment? Monogamous. There is no commitment in the definition used for a relationship. They've both been a bit on the side.
They have drifted for six years as a bit of company for each other. If that is what they both want, then sure. All sounds very insipid to me.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 09:40

I think it’s a good point.
Why are you with him at all?
You sound strong, stable and intelligent and yet you have chosen such a poor choice for the future.
Surely if you end things now you will have the option of meeting someone new that is better aligned and can join you in your adventures?

Chocolatesnowman2 · 15/12/2024 09:40

There's no gain in that for you
It's 3 more people to feed ,and clear up after .
The advantage for him ,is you doing his wife work ...
Obviously it's a no

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 15/12/2024 09:41

Fuck that. He’s considered his own children reaching 18 in a protected living space but not yours. Selfish arsehole who is planning on cocklodging whilst you keep him in his retirement. Stand firm.

Irridescantshimmmer · 15/12/2024 09:41

Trust your own instincts OP, you are on the right track.

He's got little to lose and everything to gain and you have everything to lose and nothing to gain.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/12/2024 09:41

Don't do it. Retain your independence. There is no need for you to live together. That's the one thing I'd never do again.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 09:42

And even families that are not blended find it extremely challenging living with adult children.

It’s not for the faint hearted living with other people’s adult children under any circumstances- much less ones on UC and loafing around your hard earned home.

B0RING · 15/12/2024 09:43

juicelooseabootthishoose · 15/12/2024 07:38

His plan to withdraw financial support for two teens still living at home should be a massive red flag to you. Their mum is going to be left covering this solo.

This shows you something about his attitude to women and money and fairness.

This. He should still support his children while they are in full time education. I assume they will still live with their mother for at least part of the year if they are students , yet he expects her to pay for that herself with no contribution from him!

Even if they both go out and get a full time job at 18, very few 18 year olds earn a good wage that they can pay all their own living costs.

Either way, he plans for their mother to pay for everything for them . Except for the few days a month they can live with you and you can pay for everything.

Can you see the pattern here @UnderCou ?

AmberAlert86 · 15/12/2024 09:43

I would not make any room for his free loading teens. If they don't want to further their education they need to find jobs. As nice as they might be.
I wonder why they fall out with their mum - perhaps due to their mum asking reasonably to pull their weight at home.

ThatsCute · 15/12/2024 09:44

It feels like he is trying to secure his/his DCs’ future housing at your/your DCs’ expense. Your DC need a calm environment with minimal upheaval for GCSE success. I envision money arguments, unemployment of SDC arguments, lack of household chore contribution of SDC arguments, etc. Constantly navigating conflict and resentment—not a great environment for anyone, TBH.

What if SDC want to stay at yours until they are 30? Or 35? You picking up DP’s financial shortfall, whilst trying to financially support your own DC through uni? What if one of the SDCs gets pregnant? DP will insist that you can’t “turf them out”.

Feels like DP is trying to get his feet planted firmly under your table. Proceed with caution.

Catapaulting · 15/12/2024 09:44

UnderCou · 15/12/2024 08:21

@Catapaulting to be fair, their mum chooses to work minimally as he/benefits pay. Once 18 surely the expectation is that dc work full time and pay some rent to the parent they live with? However they don't work even part time yet, fair enough they spend a lot of time having fun with no responsibility. It's possible they'll join their dm on benefits, she may encourage that. I think I need to stay very financially separate from all this.

That makes sense. Sounds like you’ve pretty much made a decision.

ChristmasinBrighton · 15/12/2024 09:44

Absolutely no way would I agree to this.

Tbh, it isn’t just about his DC, I wouldn’t want him moving in either. The situation you have now works very well for you. If it ain’t broke why fix it.

Bestfootforward11 · 15/12/2024 09:45

Absolutely do not do this. In terms of head this makes no financial sense and in terms of heart this will impact your DC negatively and I’m sure they are your priority. I appreciate his circumstances may be tricky but he needs to sort himself out. If this plan goes ahead he has no reason to do so. And I fear with his DC you will become a stepmother character they willl resent because you’re asking them to do basic stuff. They too will lack incentive to get themselves sorted and make a life for themselves. I can’t see this leading to happiness for anyone. If he lays on the guilt when you say no, please stand firm. He may well generally be an ok guy but this is not a realistic plan. Best wishes.

Eddielizzard · 15/12/2024 09:45

Oooh this has disaster written all over it. You'll have a cocklodger AND his offspring and you'll be paying for the lot. He is completely fiscally irresponsible and his long term plan is to find someone to fund him. Big red flag.

Also, as others have pointed out, your DC are not even factored into his plan. They would be subsidising him and his DC too. How is that fair?

You fundamentally don't align in terms of values, finance and long term plans.

Catapaulting · 15/12/2024 09:45

SnoopysHoose · 15/12/2024 08:11

@Catapaulting
When do you suggest he stops funding two adults?
No mention of them
being in education or work, it can't go on forever.

I guess I’m imagining that I’ll be still supporting my kids financial even once they’re 18.

alfhroa · 15/12/2024 09:45

And perhaps I'm too materialistic..but honestly find it a massive turn off he is 50 has nothing to show for it financially, if you've worked hard to build your life to the point it is now surely you're not going to want someone mooching off of it which is apparently has every intention of doing (yes I would say the same thing to a man). You must be compatible in other ways surely.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 09:47

I hadn’t even considered a pregnancy in the mix. You could well end up with six adults and a baby or two. It would be impossible to turf out a pregnant young woman op. Heartless. You would kiss goodbye to your retirement in that situation. Your job in this environment would become a refuge anyway.

alfhroa · 15/12/2024 09:49

Incompatible I mean

Jimjamssy · 15/12/2024 09:49

He may have zero money but he's not completely stupid.
Like most leeches he is carefully planning on the nearest vaginas to fund him and his children.

Don't be that mug.

Dotto · 15/12/2024 09:50

I agree with you OP. Your answer will simply be "No thank you Dave"

TunipTheVegimal24 · 15/12/2024 09:50

You are definitely not being unreasonable - the best thing for you and your children, is to keep the status quo. Don't feel bad for putting yourself and your children first.

As a side note, I think your concern about ending up with a big house, full of people you are supporting, is a very valid and real possibility. If this happened, it would put a lot of strain on your relationship with your partner, and with your DILs too.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/12/2024 09:50

UnderCou · 15/12/2024 08:38

@Shinyandnew1 I responded with surprise when he said that. I had thought maybe he'd suggest he moves in and then once my dc are past uni and have independent lives we downsize, go part time and prepare for retirement.

I was surprised he suggested a new bigger house tbh, still am.

I think I'll be honest and say it won't work for me.

How did he react to your ‘surprise’ at his plan, @UnderCou ?

NC10125 · 15/12/2024 09:51

If he feels very strongly about this, then a good way forward would be for him to spend the next 6 years saving……

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 15/12/2024 09:53

The arrangement he is proposing only benefits him and his children. I would stay put and how things are now.

burntheleaves · 15/12/2024 09:53

Jimjamssy · 15/12/2024 09:35

You would want to be out of your mind to consider this.

Don't be his pension plan mug.
Don't do it to your children.

His children could need housing into their 30's and beyond.
What careers are they going to find that will fund their own home?

Its hard enough for well paid graduates.
Housing your own children as adults is no walk in the park.

I would think this issue will not disappear.
Have a good long hard look at the future.

One way or the other you are his pension plan.

My friend was in a similar situation but he had a house that he signed over to his ex wife morgage free and thought he would move into my friends home and his 19/20 children could stay at hers when they visited from university.
He had it all planned out.
He got a shock when she said she had zero intention of disrupting the happy home of her two children of a similar age to house him and his kids now that he had gifted his share of his house to his ex.

She finished with him as the issue would now remain between them.
She was mid 50's.

Christ. Why did he give his part of the house (ie his financial security) to his ex wife?