To struggle with the future he's suggesting?

[UnderCou]

I've been with partner for around 6 years. We both live apart with our teenage dc from previous relationships.

My dc are 12 and 14, his dc are 17 and 18. Soon he'll stop the payments to his ex (once both 18). He currently rents a small house and his dds share a room when they stay. He has no assets and minimal savings, due to his age, buying a house would be tricky (no deposit and mid 50s).

I live in a house with my two dc, I've been paying off the mortgage for the last twenty years and all in own name. It will be paid off by 60.

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well. This would be so we could live together.

I can understand that he may like them to stay over, rather than just seeing them for lunch etc. However I suspect I'd have most of the costs of this and I don't want the upheaval of my dc.

His dds are lovely and I get on well with them, but there's a difference in values, for example they don't have part time jobs, he cleans up after them a lot etc. I'm not convinced that he will insist they get jobs at 18. I fear ending up being responsible for housing a lot of people when I'm in my 50s and looking to start winding down from a hectic working life.

He's a great dad, but I suspect the only realistic future we have is living apart. Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

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I would consider a small home with him when all our kids have left home, but not something else requiring more work and upheaval and money.

I wouldn't even consider this tbh, and I would make that clear now. Possible future care home fees aside, what happens if you die first? Does he own half the house? Even if he doesn't, I have heard of cases where the remaining partner has the right to stay in the house until death or as long as they want. Your girls won't be able to sell - and he will be sitting there amongst all your possessions. I know it sounds maudlin, but I have heard of really sad stories where jewellery and other valuables have "disappeared" and where the children of the deceased parent are not allowed access to the surviving partner's home.

In your situation, I would be telling him that I like our relationship how it is and don't foresee ever not having my own house and he his. If you do this, it will be interesting to see how he reacts and if he even wants to continue the relationship.

So exactly like my friend.

Her boyfriend valued his ex's housing security above all else as he quietly assumed he would be moving into her lovely home.
His ex worked 2 days a week and my friend continues to work full-time to cover the costs of her lovely home.

He massively miscalculated if he thought she was going to house him so his ex could work 2 days.

She was delighted it came out as he had been upping the number of nights he was calling to her by stealth.

Once his plans became clear to her she got the ick with the presumptuous assumption that she wanted extra adults in her home.

Living in an urban area, young adults become very quickly aware of how living at home affords them a much nicer lifestyle than paying rent, utilities etc.
Parents will sometimes suck up their own children living as adults at home so they can enjoy their 20's, but would be far less inclined for the children of a partner.

Her boyfriend rented a nice small two bed apartment.
Incomparable to her lovely large 4 bed house.
He was "devastated" when she finished with him but she couldn't unknow his plans to be a convience to him and was just happy to have realised in time.

Don't be a mug.

I’m a bit shocked that he seems to be fine with his DC not making any move towards adult life, as in getting a job or starting an apprenticeship. They are being failed by their lazy mother, but also by their father who should bd encouraging them, doing some research into training or work experience. Doesn’t their school offer any advice?

I’m glad you’re keeping clear of all this, OP. And please don’t let yourself get sucked into ‘helping out’ in any way. They’ll be living off you before you can turn round.

I feel like I could be drawn into a very chaotic situation and it would be very expensive for me.

No could about it @UnderCou , you will be drawn into a costly and chaotic mess.

He has no assets and has raised children with no work ethic. 18 years old and haven't had as much as a saturday job!! Quite extraordinary to me unless very wealthy family or a very heavy study schedule for med school or something...

You won't have the peaceful, drama free retirement you are working towards.

I have seen grifters like this take advantage of solvent women, it is often quite disastrous to the woman and her own dc.

I honestly think after the age of 50 we have to view things under the harshest of lights and scrutinise what it means to enter retirement age (or thereabouts) with someone we haven't shared children and a life with.

Mid 50's, almost adult kids with no direction, renting.... Walk away OP, is my advice.

If you did as he wants and it was very difficult (Bloody Impossible) It would be so very difficult to unwind.
Stay as you are luvvie, reconsider when he gets a reliable income and you take early retirement.

From your update it sounds like this thread has helped you realise what you already knew - definitely don’t do it!

As you say , If your considering a smaller home with him eventually , make sure it's paid for 50/50 .

Massive kudos to you for getting your life on such a good track, OP. Absolutely agree with your instincts. Don't jeopardise that for anything.

I'd be preparing my responses to him when you tell him no. He won't be happy. I expect he'll try manipulation. I'd make it clear one more time then if he persisted I would tell him that I am now considering ending the relationship. Anything but sorry, I don't want to pressure you. I'll not mention it again, would mean it is over for me. He wants what you've worked for, not only for himself but his kids!

☝️☝️ me too

Don’t do it.
And certainly never marry him.

You sound like you’re being wise about this bigger house and living together idea. It has a lot of risks for you and not much benefit!!

But I’m afraid a bigger question is how you see your future working out when you’re both retired, if you have a good pension built up and want to enjoy retirement, travel etc, and he will be on pension credit? Unless you pay for him too it doesn’t sound like he’ll be able to do thing like travel with you or enjoy the same standard of life, unless you support both of you. Which is a valid choice and some couples do do that, but it’s something to consider as could lead to resentment.
i think being in similar financial circumstances makes later life/second relationships much easier!

Retirement is not fun on a tight budget.
How much will yours be knowing you have supplement the living cost of 3 people that are not related to you and supplement any holidays and short breaks away with a man who hasn't enough to pay his way?

This will get old so quickly.
Men like him target solvent women.
Have no doubt about it, you, your home and your pension have all been noted by him....a grifter.

@TR888 I don’t think it’s fair to say OP isn’t madly in love with him. She doesn’t think he’s been sensible financially, but she could still adore him.

I love my DP. He’s funny, kind, interesting - I can’t imagine anyone I would have more of a connection with, and I hope we grow old together. But I am a single parent to teenagers, and have spent nearly 20 years doing all that that entails. As a single parent I’ve shared everything with my kids since they were born - my time, money, resources - everything. I’ve ferried they around to activities, I’ve helped them with their education, I’ve gone to parents evenings, helped with uni applications - literally everything, like parents do. When they move out and I retire, I want some time for me, just me, for a while, before I cohabit with someone. I want to be a bit selfish now and then - cover the dining room table with a jigsaw, eat weetabix for tea, go to bed at 8pm, read a book till 2am etc - all the stuff you can’t do when you’ve got other people in the house.

That doesn’t mean I don’t live my DP. Having a partner in middle age is not the same as same as when you’re just starting out, looking for someone to have a family with. There’s no expectation that you’ll be imminently sharing everything.

Sorry, but to me, it sounds like he wants to stabilize HIS retirement on your back.
He wants a place for his DD's, but at your cost. He wants to move to a bigger and better place than he lives right now and has zero assets to do so, but hey, you do.

Please don't do it now or ever, unless it is to downsize into a small cottage when all the kids are grown, and you can ring-fence the cottage, so that your children benefit from it in the end. His poor planning for his retirement is not for you to solve.

What's next? Does he want you to give some of what you have worked hard for to his children as an inheritance, since he couldn't be bothered doing it himself?

I know he didn't bring up the future, you did; but he sure had some quick thinking ideas about how it could benefit him.

I can’t help but feel the winner right now in all of this is ops dp’s ex! She is sitting pretty for life in their marital home and also passing the parental buck to them when she feels like it!

Yikes. I'm glad to read your updated comments clarifying that you won't be doing this.

I agree with others that this situation would be all positive for him (no longer needing to clean up after his grown girls! And not having to pay rent! etc) and downsides for you (presumably you would be the one doing the cleaning up as he would conveniently leave it for the fairies to clean up. And of course, having to extend your house, etc)

Separate houses work for for many couples. My father and his partner lived apart for 20+ years quite happily.

You better believe it.

It may be too much hassle when you just want to start having a quieter life, but as you've nearly laid off your mortgage, you could consider letting your house out and YOU keep the income from this.

Then the two of you rent a bigger house together and split the outgoings (including rent).

If things don't work out then you always have your house to go back to!

I do wonder what the ex would say about this, however. It's unusual to "gift" most of a house to an ex. I've seen a bloke spread this kind of story - often turns out it was hers to begin with, or some other such story.

I took am not sure about him gifting the house to his ex. Wouldn't this be in lieu of maintenance which he did pay?

I wouldn't move in with him even after your DC have left home. I'm never sharing my home with a man again. My home is my security.