To struggle with the future he's suggesting?

[UnderCou]

I've been with partner for around 6 years. We both live apart with our teenage dc from previous relationships.

My dc are 12 and 14, his dc are 17 and 18. Soon he'll stop the payments to his ex (once both 18). He currently rents a small house and his dds share a room when they stay. He has no assets and minimal savings, due to his age, buying a house would be tricky (no deposit and mid 50s).

I live in a house with my two dc, I've been paying off the mortgage for the last twenty years and all in own name. It will be paid off by 60.

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well. This would be so we could live together.

I can understand that he may like them to stay over, rather than just seeing them for lunch etc. However I suspect I'd have most of the costs of this and I don't want the upheaval of my dc.

His dds are lovely and I get on well with them, but there's a difference in values, for example they don't have part time jobs, he cleans up after them a lot etc. I'm not convinced that he will insist they get jobs at 18. I fear ending up being responsible for housing a lot of people when I'm in my 50s and looking to start winding down from a hectic working life.

He's a great dad, but I suspect the only realistic future we have is living apart. Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

So his bright idea is that you should buy a larger house so that he can give up his rental property and move in with you and your dc, thus saving him lots of money in rent and utilities, and he'd also like his (by then) adult dc to have a room in the house as well, because they don't always get on with their mum and have no income of their own, and are unlikely to earn much even when they do get jobs. Thereby you all live together in your house, with presumably you paying the bulk of the bills and doing the bulk of the cooking and chores. He gets to move in full-time have sex on tap, a ready-made housekeeper and a roof over his head with practically no responsibility, and his kids get somewhere to doss without having to earn money to pay their own way in life.

What's in it for you?

I think his plan was just, ‘she’ll pay!’

Keep your own front door OP. If when all children are launched upon the world say in ten years time then re think. Personally I wouldn’t consider marriage in order to protect my hard earned finances.

I bet he’d like a nice big house for free! It’s actually to your benefit that you don’t already have a bigger house, as I feel like it would become one of those ‘my partner’s adult dc have moved into the lovely calm house I own and now I am their servant’ threads.

Definitely don’t get the upgrade!

Just no.

Use the excuse/reason that you don’t want your children disturbed until they’ve finished their education as it would be too much upheaval, which it would. You are not responsible for his adult children; and they have their own mother too!

Thanks for all the replies! It's confirmed what I thought - that remaining financially independent and living separately is the way forward. I enjoy his company, but that's a nice arrangement without bringing added responsibility.

I would consider a small home with him when all our kids have left home, but not something else requiring more work and upheaval and money.

You do not want to become his retirement plan and an easy ‘opt out’ for his children when they don’t fancy working and fall out with mum.

Given this CF attempt to move his kids into a bigger house funded by you it makes me seriously wonder why you would even want to continue any kind of relationship with him?

Enjoying his company doesn’t mitigate the fact he completely ignored the needs of YOUR children, nor the fact he would sit back and let you pay for everything if you agreed.

Absolutely this. Sorry but he's entirely thinking of HIS future, not yours and your DC.

He may love you, sure, but I think he also sees very clearly your material and financial assets.

Please please don't let him move in. Continue your relationship by all means - but living separately unless he can entirely match your assets. Which he can't.

Also he wants effectively 3 people looking after his ADULT children. Himself, their mother and you! Maybe throw in the British state if they’re on benefits. Meanwhile your DEPENDANT children it sounds like have only you. They must be your priority.

The whole plan has more chance of turning into a mess on every level than is even imaginable. But you see that anyway from your latest post.

Don't you dare!

My friend did this a few years ago but they've recently split and now he wants half.

You've worked hard for your own security. Please don't throw it away.

It might be great and you'll live happily ever after. However, it might not be. At least YOU will live happily ever after in the home you've worked for and you DC will always have their family home to come home to.

Your current situation sounds perfect.

Absolutely not. You seem to have your head screwed on anyway but I am in a similar financial position to you (albeit with no kids) and there is absolutely no way I would link myself financially to this man, much less house his aimless children. What if in 10-15 years they’ve still not left home?

I honestly don’t think I’ll ever live with someone again unless they bring equal assets to the table and neither of us stands to lose out should the relationship end. I certainly wouldn’t want to be carrying someone who continues to make poor financial decisions.

Nope this wouldn't work for me- all the benefits are to him- I certainly wouldn't be having spare rooms so adult children can stay - all on your dollar -

I'm sure he's a great bloke and means well but to be frank if he's bringing nothing but himself to the table, I don't think he can dictate living arrangements and I would say the same if it was a reverse situation

@Petrasings has nailed it .
Please do not think of entertaining this .
The risks to your financial and emotional wellbeing are colossal here .

You have worked so hard for your settled position with a forward retirement plan .
Keep it for yourself and your DC .

So he gets to maintain what works for him until his kids are older then decides that you can basically upheave your life and your children’s to then accommodate what HE wants for his and his children’s future.
do not do it op. You sound like you have your head screwed on and you are very secure. He isn’t entitled to this just because he’s a partner

I would have the ick after realising his plans for financial exploitation.

I wouldn’t turn him down but would say if he wants this then it would be on a more equal footing without either of you having a mortgage.

That way the ball is in his court and it is up to him to come up with 50% of the monies

I think I would die laughing if a man suggested this. So you upsize presumably to at least a 4 bedroom house, extend the length of your mortgage to accommodate him and his adult children probably well past your working age, for what? You “gain” the pleasure of his company 24/7 but at enormous financial sacrifice. Meanwhile he presumably wants his name on your mortgage which means your assets also become his. I expect he would also be anticipating you pay the bills in the new fabulous house him and his adult children will benefit from. Three more adults using your wi fi, electricity, washing, drying, showering, cooking will increase your bills substantially. Who’d be forking out for three more adults food, too?

Hard no from me. Keep as is or end the relationship if he gets stroppy. DO NOT lose your assets for a man who brings absolutely nothing to the table.

What do you think he's going to say???

’How do you see our future?’

’Well I was thinking that I’d retire and you’d use your pension to buy a bigger house for us all, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about paying rent and my lazy arsed daughters could move in, live rent free because they don’t really want to work, and you’d finance it all and clear up after us all too, as they don’t really like housework either. We might even get married at some point, just to make sure that if you realise what a ponce I am, you can’t just chuck me out without me taking some of it with me. How does that sound?’

How did you not laugh when he suggested that? Does he want one of your kidneys too?

Nah, that doesn't make sense for you. To be honest, I'd have trouble respecting a man who was in his position (financially), unless he'd faced serious trouble with health or had been otherwise unable to save and provide for his family. I certainly wouldn't be upending my own life and the stability of my own children for his sake. It sounds like you've worked harder and smarter than he has, and I'd strongly advise against sacrificing any of your peace and security to make things nicer for him. It may mean the end of the relationship, because he may not be happy without a future goal of the two of you living together eventually, but I'd still say no. (Or possibly consider moving in together if/when all the children have moved out and are fully self-sufficient, assuming his ever are. Even that is a risk, because one of the kids may want or need to move back in at some point and expect you to fund them, which I would resent.)

This man has more flags than the UN. Do not get financially entangled with him in any way whatsoever or let him move in (I'm going to guess you've been the one paying for holidays and outings anyway). His lazy daughters shouldn't become your concern because they are laying about your house doing nothing and moaning about their dramas with their mother. All you will be doing letting him move in on you is disrupting your own children's education and future security, never mind their mental health and development with the bad example their "step father" and "siblings" will be showing them. He sounds like a complete loser, frankly, and you do not owe him for his own bad decisions in the past and lack of ability to fend for himself because he's nice and has a penis.

Found this interesting the other day. Looking to the future, I think your instinct is sound! https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/dec/03/over-60s-who-live-apart-from-partners-have-better-wellbeing-study-finds

So once they turn 18, he’ll abdicate any financial responsibility for housing his children, and move that burden to you instead?

Ha ha ha… jog on, fella.

Do not put him on the ownership deeds of any property you might buy down the line with your money and yours alone. That's you chldren's future in bricks and mortar.