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Original poster

To struggle with the future he's suggesting?

272 replies

UnderCou · 15/12/2024 06:47

I've been with partner for around 6 years. We both live apart with our teenage dc from previous relationships.

My dc are 12 and 14, his dc are 17 and 18. Soon he'll stop the payments to his ex (once both 18). He currently rents a small house and his dds share a room when they stay. He has no assets and minimal savings, due to his age, buying a house would be tricky (no deposit and mid 50s).

I live in a house with my two dc, I've been paying off the mortgage for the last twenty years and all in own name. It will be paid off by 60.

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well. This would be so we could live together.

I can understand that he may like them to stay over, rather than just seeing them for lunch etc. However I suspect I'd have most of the costs of this and I don't want the upheaval of my dc.

His dds are lovely and I get on well with them, but there's a difference in values, for example they don't have part time jobs, he cleans up after them a lot etc. I'm not convinced that he will insist they get jobs at 18. I fear ending up being responsible for housing a lot of people when I'm in my 50s and looking to start winding down from a hectic working life.

He's a great dad, but I suspect the only realistic future we have is living apart. Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

OP posts:
alfhroa · 15/12/2024 09:26

How nice is must be to be the non residential parent and know that you can just stop paying for your kids at 18. No I wouldn't do this, he's 50 years old and has zero to show for it, he sounds like a waster and looking at you as his meal ticket.

Superworm24 · 15/12/2024 09:26

People would probably say I'm selfish or materialistic but I would end the relationship completely. What will happen if you stay with him as you get older? Are you willing to support him financially?

TriangleLight · 15/12/2024 09:26

@UnderCou don’t feel bad or unusual for not wanting this. You’re quite right!

I am in a similar situation with a man who
would love to live with me and my dc, but who likewise has no financial security or plan. I have been totally straight with him that I will not live with him. I can’t risk my security or that of my dc. If I’m totally honest, I find his lack of planning quite unattractive and I regularly question the future. I’ll soon be in a position to travel etc and don’t always want to be paying.

long winded, but keep on as you are.

burntheleaves · 15/12/2024 09:26

Please please please keep in mind that various arrangements might end up with him having a claim on your assets. Your children's future inheritance would go to him and his dc. Not yours.

Cherrysoup · 15/12/2024 09:27

You are not responsible for his dc. I would not agree to that. They can get their own place.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/12/2024 09:30

How will the bills work out? I bet he will be gobsmacked that you expect him to finance his own life.

I would imagine he would try to keep the ‘gobsmackedness’ under wraps for now and say anything ambiguous and soothing to try to placate the OP. Of course I’ll pay my share (what share? How much?), of course my kids would pick up after themselves (but they don’t now), etc etc

I’d end the relationship now-your futures are polar opposites. Do you want to be winding down and travelling with someone who can’t afford to do anything unless you pay?

MILLYmo0se · 15/12/2024 09:30

You have 2 children you need to get through uni and set up for life, you can't possibly make any financial planning decisions until the youngest is 21 and you know exactly where you are health wise and everything at that stage........ There's a way to say no without it having to be a big confrontation. You can revisit him moving in at that point and hopefully his kids are off doing their own thing by then, but you will have to make it v clear that when you die your house will be sold and proceeds divided up between ur kids, he won't be getting it

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 09:30

Bettyboo111 · 15/12/2024 09:22

Quite obviously, you see wholly different futures. There's no commitment to a future together. Six years with zero plans from either party. Why?

This relationship has run its course.

Show quote history

Well it might work still. As a casual but committed relationship. It’s worked to now, so there is no reason to think it has to end.
I am not sure I would want to remain with him, as I think once you start to travel - he might struggle to fund himself and you can’t bankroll his lifestyle op.

Zanatdy · 15/12/2024 09:30

I wouldn’t do it. They may be going to uni / moving on in the next few years. I wouldn’t want that upheaval or cost

Superworm24 · 15/12/2024 09:30

alfhroa · 15/12/2024 09:26

How nice is must be to be the non residential parent and know that you can just stop paying for your kids at 18. No I wouldn't do this, he's 50 years old and has zero to show for it, he sounds like a waster and looking at you as his meal ticket.

Also this OP. Are his daughters planning on going to uni? So many "fathers" wash their hands at this point and leave the parental contribution to the resident parent. I couldn't be with a man who did this.

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 09:31

Superworm24 · 15/12/2024 09:30

Also this OP. Are his daughters planning on going to uni? So many "fathers" wash their hands at this point and leave the parental contribution to the resident parent. I couldn't be with a man who did this.

Show quote history

They are not going to university and no current plans to work either.

MikeRafone · 15/12/2024 09:33

So your dp can't afford to buy house on his own (due to age and finances)

His idea is you sell your house creating a large deposit to put down on a large house big enough for hm to live in with you and an extra bedroom for his daughters

What is he bringing to this idea and what do you get out of this that you don't have already?

Superworm24 · 15/12/2024 09:34

Superworm24 · 15/12/2024 09:30

Also this OP. Are his daughters planning on going to uni? So many "fathers" wash their hands at this point and leave the parental contribution to the resident parent. I couldn't be with a man who did this.

Show quote history

Sorry, I'm quoting myself! But if you lived together, his income would be counted if your DC decided to go to uni. They would then get a lower loan, and you or they would have to make up the difference as it doesn't sound like he would contribute.

Tuftykitten · 15/12/2024 09:34

He saw you coming.

He's had this planned for a while.
He will bleed you dry and his kids sound like layabouts.

Jimjamssy · 15/12/2024 09:35

You would want to be out of your mind to consider this.

Don't be his pension plan mug.
Don't do it to your children.

His children could need housing into their 30's and beyond.
What careers are they going to find that will fund their own home?

Its hard enough for well paid graduates.
Housing your own children as adults is no walk in the park.

I would think this issue will not disappear.
Have a good long hard look at the future.

One way or the other you are his pension plan.

My friend was in a similar situation but he had a house that he signed over to his ex wife morgage free and thought he would move into my friends home and his 19/20 children could stay at hers when they visited from university.
He had it all planned out.
He got a shock when she said she had zero intention of disrupting the happy home of her two children of a similar age to house him and his kids now that he had gifted his share of his house to his ex.

She finished with him as the issue would now remain between them.
She was mid 50's.

Original poster
UnderCou · 15/12/2024 09:35

Yes as PP says, I do question the future. There's not much alignment in our lives, we have opposite finances and I don't see any signs of that changing. Particularly if he wants adult dcs to have an extension built for them.

The adult dcs have a room each at the other parents house, which was the original family home. However they do fall out with their mum so could presumably need/want somewhere else to stay in adulthood. I agree if it was just every few weekends it would make sense to get a hotel room, rather than £ for an extension.

I feel like I could be drawn into a very chaotic situation and it would be very expensive for me.

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 15/12/2024 09:35

Superworm24 · 15/12/2024 09:34

Sorry, I'm quoting myself! But if you lived together, his income would be counted if your DC decided to go to uni. They would then get a lower loan, and you or they would have to make up the difference as it doesn't sound like he would contribute.

Show quote history

So not only does OP end his house requirements she puts her dd at a disadvantage if they go to uni

PandoraSox · 15/12/2024 09:35

He has plans to cocklodge, doesn't he? Don't do it OP.

RaininSummer · 15/12/2024 09:35

Agree with all the definitely nots above. Best way out is it to say you don't want any change until your children are settled in life. Long term I don't think retirement will work as you want with him if he will only have a small pension unless you accept that you will pay the lion's share of bills and holidays.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/12/2024 09:36

For those saying it’s bad he’d stop paying maintenance once both his DDs are over 18, did you miss they aren’t in education? As long as their mother knows that CM will stop at 18 unless they are in full time education, I’m not sure why that would be seen as a problem.

Richiewoo · 15/12/2024 09:37

You'd have to move and foot the bill. Would he be expecting to go on the mortgage. This isn't a good move for you.

LIZS · 15/12/2024 09:37

So when/if he stops paying towards his dc at 18 what does he plan to do with the money saved. Will they stay in education beyond 18?

Imafraidtosayctr8 · 15/12/2024 09:38

ARichtGoodDram · 15/12/2024 09:15

I think it says a lot that he wants to make a plan like that for once his children are over 18, but hasn’t considered it should be after yours are also over 18.

i wouldn’t move someone into my home that has shown clearly when thinking about big plans with lots of upheavals they think about their own children only.

Yes, exactly this^^.

I was going to post exactly the same thing.

Where do your dc feature in his future plans op? I can’t imagine that they will want two young adults living with them.

Also. his plans are unrealistic. Most eighteen year old young women want freedom and independence. However well you get on with them, with the best will in the world from both sides, I doubt they would want to move in to a home that is owned and run by their father’s partner. They would be happier where they are now, surely, until they live out? Which may not be long!

Sorry to say this op, it sounds like a bid for your dp to strengthen his own financial position rather than a genuine wish to live family life together. Also it’s quite cheeky I think to suggest something like this when you can’t bring any assets to the pot!

Quitelikeit · 15/12/2024 09:38

Why did you even bother with this man?

he won’t have money for travelling etc or anything nice things in retirement!

you said you think with your head - well you didn’t when you picked him up!

TR888 · 15/12/2024 09:39

OP, do you love your partner very much? Because his long-term prospects can only go one way, as you can hopefully see.

I think the poster saying that a crisis might force your partner to live with you has made an excellent point.

Do you get a lot out of the relationship now? If not, it might be easier to leave it now whilst your partner is still in work and is not in a desperate situation?