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Original poster

To struggle with the future he's suggesting?

272 replies

UnderCou · 15/12/2024 06:47

I've been with partner for around 6 years. We both live apart with our teenage dc from previous relationships.

My dc are 12 and 14, his dc are 17 and 18. Soon he'll stop the payments to his ex (once both 18). He currently rents a small house and his dds share a room when they stay. He has no assets and minimal savings, due to his age, buying a house would be tricky (no deposit and mid 50s).

I live in a house with my two dc, I've been paying off the mortgage for the last twenty years and all in own name. It will be paid off by 60.

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well. This would be so we could live together.

I can understand that he may like them to stay over, rather than just seeing them for lunch etc. However I suspect I'd have most of the costs of this and I don't want the upheaval of my dc.

His dds are lovely and I get on well with them, but there's a difference in values, for example they don't have part time jobs, he cleans up after them a lot etc. I'm not convinced that he will insist they get jobs at 18. I fear ending up being responsible for housing a lot of people when I'm in my 50s and looking to start winding down from a hectic working life.

He's a great dad, but I suspect the only realistic future we have is living apart. Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 15/12/2024 07:49

That would be a no until his kids have got their own homes and are fully launched in life.

RandomMess · 15/12/2024 07:53

Can truthfully say that you won't be able to afford that as you need to wind down from working full time and you wouldn't considering it until your DC are fully fledged adults more like 21.

By that time I assume his girls will be even older?

theleafandnotthetree · 15/12/2024 07:55

He's got a pair on him OP, if this is anything more than idle musings I'd be seriously questioning his values and therefore the relationship itself. This plans clearly doesn't advantage you, in fact it massively disadvantages you - he either doesn't see this which makes him at best clueless/thoughtless or he sees it and doesn't care or sees himself as such a prize that you'll jump at the chance. None of it's good..

Kitjo · 15/12/2024 07:55

Your gut is telling you exactly what to do! (Or not to do) don't ignore it

Catapaulting · 15/12/2024 07:56

I know he’s not legally required to pay maintenance one the kids are 18, but it’s not like they suddenly stop costing anything. How does he justify that?

ThePotholeHelpdesk · 15/12/2024 07:56

I think you are being perfectly reasonable to want to keep the living arrangements as they are.
It's all much simpler - especially in terms of future stability for your kids (even if adults), the simplicity of inheritance etc.

I am just 50 and in a very similar position to you. There isn't a chance in hell I will give up my independence to share with another man - let alone his children as well. They may be grown up but they will eventually have partners and kids and all the chaos that brings.

Stick to your guns OP. If you are happy the way things are - keep them that way.

LameBorzoi · 15/12/2024 07:56

UnderCou · 15/12/2024 07:29

@HidingFromDd that's the thing, he knows I could afford to do this. Except after the decades of hard work and paying down my mortgage i feel exhausted and don't want more responsibilities.

To be fair it was me asking about the future, so he didn't announce out of the blue.

I'm not sure you actually can really afford it.

You have a house that will be paid off by 60. He's asking you to take on a bigger financial commitment, at no apparent benefit to you.

Most people sail through their 60s without any big issues, but new health issues popping up is common enough that I wouldn't want to take on unnecessary financial risk / be paying off debt in my 60s.

You will also have the costs of your own two kids - housing / training etc.

Hom moving in should be of benefit to both of you. As it is, it just sounds like a risk / burden from your perspective.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 15/12/2024 07:59

You'll have to stand firm on it and dint be surprised if he starts the let's get married chat, just bat it away. I'd personally be reassessing my life and considering you want a bloke who is running out of options for his poorly planned for future. You'll find him a hindrance soon when he's older, skinter and getting to be in poorer health, what is in it for you? I'd cut him loose and find a younger model who's better at financial planning.

Maurepas · 15/12/2024 08:00

No, NO,NO. Your finances are uneven and his are just plain bad! Seems like a lot of work and worry. Don't do it.

rookiemere · 15/12/2024 08:04

Well I think you're justified to say that you're not willing to take on any more financial commitments based on the good reasons you have given.

Why did you raise the conversation about the future? Based on what you have said about this man, there is no future options that wouldn't involve you subsidising him unless you continue as is with separate housing.

Likewhatever · 15/12/2024 08:06

He stands to gain a lot from this, but it’s harder to see what’s in it for you. Or indeed your DC. What happens if you predecease him? Would he remain in your/their home? How about his DDs?

It’s a no from me. Just tell him you have no plans to upsize due to the financial pressure it would put you under, and would like to carry on as you are.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 15/12/2024 08:07

Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

You're being savvy

Put YOUR children and you first, every time

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/12/2024 08:08

pestoblush · 15/12/2024 07:03

No way financially or domestically is this a god option for you. Put yourself first. Don’t do it.

Agree and put her own kids first

SnoopysHoose · 15/12/2024 08:11

@Catapaulting
When do you suggest he stops funding two adults?
No mention of them
being in education or work, it can't go on forever.

Imbusytodaysorry · 15/12/2024 08:12

I wouldn’t do it and think of all the times it goes wrong .
No way would I let a man move in before any kids were 18(if ever)
Your house is nearly paid and is you and your kids security, I’d put that over anything else. .

Just be honest and say no it’s not what you want. .

Codlingmoths · 15/12/2024 08:13

I think it’s fine to say I’m really unsure about financially extending when I have had so much focus on paying off my mortgage by 60, and also I think it’s too challenging to move young adults with quite different values in - you know I think you need to get them to do more for themselves and they will need to have a job, in my world that’s what capable young adults do and I’d struggle to live with spoiled ones who think they don’t have to do any of that, when it’s my house and I’m likely to be one of the adults compensating for them not pulling their weight in housework and cooking, I’d resent that after years of bringing up my own dc to be capable.

TimeForATerf · 15/12/2024 08:13

Remind me why it’s your responsibility to house him and his young adult DC?

absolutely no fucking way from me. There is zero benefits to you.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/12/2024 08:16

RoachFish · 15/12/2024 07:14

I think it very rarely benefits a financially established woman who is not wanting to have more kids to move in with a man. I'm mid-40s, divorced, don't want more kids and I am thrilled I don't have to put up with all the things my married friends put up with. You clearly can take care of yourself in every way, don't risk your happiness for someone who has no savings but wants you to provide space for him and his kids.

I agree with this. You are better off keeping your finances separate and each having your own home at least until all the children are launched and independent.

In fairness it sounds as if this is not a cunning financial plan of his - you asked where how he sees the future and he is saying he wants to be with you. He probably thought he would get dumped if he said "well realistically we still won't be living together".

HappyTwo · 15/12/2024 08:16

It’s all upside for him and downside for you - tell him wait until your kids are 18 too

Petrasings · 15/12/2024 08:16

Not. A. Chance.

He has nothing to offer op. You are his pension and his meal ticket.

Your vision of the future is to downsize and I assume leave a healthy inheritance to your children. This opportunity will be completely lost if you take on a bigger house ( to house his children) and will he stake a claim of your home? Provably or at least talk you into remaining there until he dies.

Please don’t do this.
Stay living separately.
He can keep his rental and you can stay where you are.
When his and your children are properly established, then you can reconsider if you want to.

You WILL end up with six adults living on your salary taking over your house otherwise - best case.

Glitchymn1 · 15/12/2024 08:17

“As he has no assets, he may pay some rent but I suspect I'd have to pay pretty much all costs.”

Haha! Certainly not. You’ll be insane to consider this.

(I was holding judgement and thought well if he’s contributing and you can afford a cleaner then maybe.)

Shinyandnew1 · 15/12/2024 08:20

that's the thing, he knows I could afford to do this.

Really though? How old will you be when your mortgage is paid off?

I would say, ‘no, I’m not considering moving or borrowing more money for an extension! I’m looking to paying off my mortgage and then working less so I have more time to do what I want to do’

What did you actually answer, @UnderCou ?

Have you asked him what his plan is for retirement? He sounds like he’d move in with you and then you’d be financially responsible for him and two more kids. What if it didn’t work out-how would you ever get him to leave?!

Original poster
UnderCou · 15/12/2024 08:21

@Catapaulting to be fair, their mum chooses to work minimally as he/benefits pay. Once 18 surely the expectation is that dc work full time and pay some rent to the parent they live with? However they don't work even part time yet, fair enough they spend a lot of time having fun with no responsibility. It's possible they'll join their dm on benefits, she may encourage that. I think I need to stay very financially separate from all this.

OP posts:
Oldjustold · 15/12/2024 08:26

There are a number of threads on here where women have agreed to allow men in similar situations to move in with their kids, or young adult kids, with pretty disastrous results. Even if his parenting style was more responsible and you were confident they'd take some personal responsibility about earning and paying their way or cleaning up after themselves, it's still a minefield (imo).

I'd very reluctant to risk the settled safe space you've worked so hard to create for your kids, or to extend the period of time you'll have to keep paying a mortgage. If you really want to live with him, it would be after his kids have left home and become independent, when yours were old enough to go to university and were happy to know he's now living in their family home. There should also be a clear agreement about how the finances work, what happens if living together turns out to be uncomfortable in any way and that marriage is not on the table and your will only favours your kids.

kiwiane · 15/12/2024 08:26

I would’ve expected him to pay maintenance until his girls were finished school / gone to university and then offer them some direct support. This shows a mean spirited attitude.
I would shut down any long term plans to move in together; he’s going to be living off you in retirement and I doubt you’ll find that attractive.