To struggle with the future he's suggesting?

[UnderCou]

I've been with partner for around 6 years. We both live apart with our teenage dc from previous relationships.

My dc are 12 and 14, his dc are 17 and 18. Soon he'll stop the payments to his ex (once both 18). He currently rents a small house and his dds share a room when they stay. He has no assets and minimal savings, due to his age, buying a house would be tricky (no deposit and mid 50s).

I live in a house with my two dc, I've been paying off the mortgage for the last twenty years and all in own name. It will be paid off by 60.

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well. This would be so we could live together.

I can understand that he may like them to stay over, rather than just seeing them for lunch etc. However I suspect I'd have most of the costs of this and I don't want the upheaval of my dc.

His dds are lovely and I get on well with them, but there's a difference in values, for example they don't have part time jobs, he cleans up after them a lot etc. I'm not convinced that he will insist they get jobs at 18. I fear ending up being responsible for housing a lot of people when I'm in my 50s and looking to start winding down from a hectic working life.

He's a great dad, but I suspect the only realistic future we have is living apart. Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

OP, don’t buy a house with him. If you have all the capital and go joint tenants he could end up with half the equity in the house (ie your money). As he hasn’t got any capital it just won’t work in a way that is fair to you so I would stay living separately and safeguard your assets.

Not quite the same situation but I've been with my DP for 13 years now, we planned I would move in with him (I would sell my house and buy a flat to keep a foothold in my current area) when all my kids had left home. DP has adult kids too and all through the earlier years together we'd been planning or assuming that his kids would also have fledged the nest by that time as they're similar ages. To cut a long story short, they didn't fledge, I thought I could live with that and moved in. It lasted a week and as nice as his kids are, I couldn't settle. Maybe I should've given it more time but I had moved home within 7 days.

Pulled out of my house sale which was going through and since then we've been together apart, that was 3 years ago now.

Do you know what, those kids are still living at home with zero signs of ever moving out. One has a job but isn't saving, the other has never really worked.

It's obvious to me now that things won't change, and as lovely as my DP is, we've got different values when it comes to our kids. Mine are enjoying their young lives while his sit in their bedrooms playing computer games.

I would recommend you don't try to combine families and accommodate his kids who are being parented so differently. Just wait until all of the children from both sides are independent. Sadly that may be never, which is what I have come to realise in my own situation.

Ask him what is in it for you? I would not even consider it until your younger teens are adults and his girls have grown up and left or you will end up responsible for him and his adult kids. Just tell him you have planned it out so everything is paid off by 60 and you are not extending that debt. It will get messy if he is paying rent or contributing to a bigger mortagage - why would you want him to gain an interest in the house you have nearly paid off.

Like another poster has said, it doesn't sound good that he expects to stop paying for his daughter's maintenance as soon as they hit 18. They'll still need financial support and if he's the good dad you say he is, he'll be wanting to provide it.

Please don't be tempted even if his situation seems increasingly difficult.

It'd also not consider living with him when your own kids leave home because of his lack of assets. If things don't work out, you might find it difficult to get him out of your house, especially as getting rentals for 60+ year olds isn't easy.

I agree with everyone who has said that you should say no thanks, this doesn't work for you. That you also wish to wait to after your own kids turn 18, at the very least, before thinking about any future changes. And that you are looking forward to paying off your mortgage and not taking on more debt/stress now. All of that sounds very reasonable. However, it will be interesting to see how he responds to this. Hopefully he'll see that it's quite reasonable. But he may not, as it doesn't serve him and his future plans. I really hope it's the former. Good luck!

This 100%

Absolutely not! He's bringing nothing to the table and sees you as his 'happy retirement plan', in lieu of any of his own! I'd be totally reconsidering my future with him at all.

How did he respond to you saying that?

If he’d proposed him moving in (and mentioned none of the other stuff), would you have said yes, @UnderCou ?

I would be asking him for his retirement plans? If he can’t pay the rent and bills on his pension, then he can’t retire in ten years, can he?

I think his plan is to live with you and for you to sort it-sort all those unpleasant things like bills and mortgages that he doesn’t want to trouble himself with. Probably following a ‘crisis’ where he’s given notice on his flat. Then, he’ll probably move the kids in as a ‘crisis’ where they’ve fallen out with their mum/lost their job. Just for a few weeks to begin with, but they can’t work or help with the housework as they are too depressed, he doesn’t want to upset them. Once they are moved in, you won’t ever get them out!

I’d be quite clear that I see your futures working best living separately and see how he responds.

@scoobs321 thanks that's very interesting. From my own perspective I like peace and quiet and want my life to get easier as I get older, his suggestion would do the opposite.

Of course it's nothing to do with me what his dc do. They are very nice but us all living together wouldn't work. Plus not fair on my dc.

Regarding his pension, I think he will need someone to live with, he's OK as long as he's working but he'll end up on pension credit or similar. My situation is very different, I'm 'lucky' in that I have a comfortable pension built up over decades and will have paid off my mortgage. Hopefully I'll be able to travel and socialise and enjoy my retirement, health permitting.

We have nearly adult children and older adult nieces and nephews all of whom are university educated, hard working professionals aggressively saving and they are still at home at 32, 30 and 27. It is extremely hard to buy at a young age even in the best of circumstances. This is normal. Children can not afford to move out, even ones with sterling jobs - it takes a long time to save for a deposit.

Why did he wait until his were 18.

Tell him perhaps in the future but like him, you are waiting until yours reach 18 before you even think along these lines.

Hopefully by then his dc will be self sufficient. Or you may choose to always like apart

Absolutely not - and if he’s any decent father his children will still be needing financial support anyway.

"No, I need to keep things stable for my DCs while they do their exams and at least until they are adults. There will be no upheaval or big changes for them until then. So that doesn't work for me, sorry."

End of.

Don’t do it.

100% this. I have been the mum left covering things because of this sudden magic financial independence at 18.

Don't give this man what you have worked hard for.

No that is far too unequal an arrangement.

You move and disrupt your and your children's lives and financial security so that 3 other adults can move in with you!

It's unfortunate he hasn't planned well for his financial future but that doesn't mean he hijacks yours.

His daughters need to sort their own jobs and living arrangements. Surely their longer term aim should be to not be living with a parent.

If they live with you could they potentially have a claim on your home if the relationship doesn't work out. Even if you don't marry I've heard if ex partners trying to claim part of the value of the house they lived in. Be very careful of that.

He needs to bring more financial security to the relationship and his daughters at over 18 should be occasional visitors to your home, not permanent residents.

You won’t be doing any of those things if you sign up for his grand master plan. You will be working well beyond your retirement footing the bills.

Regarding his pension, I think he will need someone to live with

That can’t be his actual plan, though?! What if he doesn’t find someone?

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well

This is the harebrained idea of someone who’s has not got the responsibility of a mortgage/the future on their shoulders! The ‘can’t you just’ expectation that you will bear the costs and stress of all of this massive undertaking of housing him and his useless kids forevermore, so that he doesn’t have to actually do anything!

How old is he? Ten years off retirement? Is that a 67 age, so he’s now 57? If he can’t pay rent on his mortgage, then won’t he just have to keep on working in his 70s? I’m presuming he doesn’t fancy that so want to leech off you instead?

I think it says a lot that he wants to make a plan like that for once his children are over 18, but hasn’t considered it should be after yours are also over 18.

i wouldn’t move someone into my home that has shown clearly when thinking about big plans with lots of upheavals they think about their own children only.

I assume he had offered to pay for the extension to your home? I thought not…

My ex (my son’s dad) is in the same boat. He’s 50, has an IVA, a crap job, minimal pension, lives in a house share and spends all his time dating trying to find a woman he can move in with. He managed it once, 3 years of dating before he moved in and it lasted a month before she kicked him out. He’d rather keep doing this rather than sort his bloody life out! His retirement is going to be very miserable and I really hope no woman falls for his “charm” and lets him move in!

You sound very sensible op and wise to his plans!

Who's paying for this extension ? Bet it's you , or possibly expected to add on the mortgage .
It's your house , and you get to say who lives in it .
Let the current situation continue , and just tell him his great idea isn't going to work for you .

Oh right so because you've been sensible and you are in a good position for your DC he thinks you should support him and his DC? The cheek of it.

I would push back so you are clear about his intentions? Ok so we buy a bigger house or extend my house how are you going to finance this because my share is my house? How will the bills work out? I bet he will be gobsmacked that you expect him to finance his own life.

An ex friend of mine who loves travelling had an idea that she would move on with me or another friend to finance it. We've both struggled to buy homes and not had expensive holidays. So naturally we would want to subsidise her life.

I'm so sick of people who see others as a life ticket. You didn't struggle to get this far to support a grown adult.

When you retire you want to travel and socialise but he won’t be able to afford to so long term it won’t work out. I’m wondering if he is starting to worry about his future so wants to ensure he gets looked after financially by you

Quite obviously, you see wholly different futures. There's no commitment to a future together. Six years with zero plans from either party. Why?

This relationship has run its course.

I am at the stage where my children are leaving home and I often wish I still lived in the smaller house I used to own with no mortgage and more money, and quick to clean!

I wouldn't do this for many reasons. You have financial security with your own house and nobody knows what the future holds. Upsizing makes no sense - why do his daughters need a room at 18? If they are local they can just go home, if they have to travel it will be cheaper to pay out for a hotel room if they are staying. I think they are past the stage where they need a room in the other parent's house. Also, your own children probably would not like this suddenly happening at the age that they are. I would keep things as they are.