To struggle with the future he's suggesting?

[UnderCou]

I've been with partner for around 6 years. We both live apart with our teenage dc from previous relationships.

My dc are 12 and 14, his dc are 17 and 18. Soon he'll stop the payments to his ex (once both 18). He currently rents a small house and his dds share a room when they stay. He has no assets and minimal savings, due to his age, buying a house would be tricky (no deposit and mid 50s).

I live in a house with my two dc, I've been paying off the mortgage for the last twenty years and all in own name. It will be paid off by 60.

He has asked whether, once over 18, I'd consider extending or moving to a slightly bigger house so his young adult dds can share a room, with him moving in as well. This would be so we could live together.

I can understand that he may like them to stay over, rather than just seeing them for lunch etc. However I suspect I'd have most of the costs of this and I don't want the upheaval of my dc.

His dds are lovely and I get on well with them, but there's a difference in values, for example they don't have part time jobs, he cleans up after them a lot etc. I'm not convinced that he will insist they get jobs at 18. I fear ending up being responsible for housing a lot of people when I'm in my 50s and looking to start winding down from a hectic working life.

He's a great dad, but I suspect the only realistic future we have is living apart. Am I being unusual in not wanting all the upheaval to live together?

Or the two adults could get jobs and contribute

Yes you absolutely do not need this in your life. The stress and arguments of the bills, costs, lack of contribution. It’s going to be a disaster.

Your dp needs to spend the next few years guiding his dds towards employment and opportunities. Of course he can easily keep on his small house as they can contribute if they move in.

@kiwiane he is paying maintenance until they're adults. They won't be going to uni, they aren't really into school too much. I'm not sure what the plan is re them working as they haven't shown any interest currently. Perhaps they'll need some free accommodation with him until they decide 😂 that was me joking BTW.

I hope that they do find jobs they like as I really believe 18 year old should be working hard and creating a future.

There’s nothing in it for you. There’s less than nothing in it for your dc. You will end up with bigger expenses and financial responsibilities and doing the drudge work for FIVE teens and adults as well as looking after yourself.

He’s thinks when the maintenance payments stop he will have more money in his pocket, that he won’t have to pay out for them anymore. That half a mortgage and splitting the bills will be cheaper than what he pays out in rent and bills now. He has no savings or assets whilst you have your house, you know your mortgage will be paid off when your 60 but taking on a new mortgage will change the time frame.

What was your response after his suggestion?

Is it an ongoing conversation that he is waiting for a reply or was it just a generic conversation that came up?

What were your hopes for the future?

You're right to be very wary.
Living apart together is the future here. Certainly don't marry him or move them in.

You need to continue living separately. Not just because of your finances if you don't, but because you're becoming invested in what his adult DCs do or don't do. I agree that adults should either work or be in education, but they are his DCs and therefore not your concern.

@Shinyandnew1 I responded with surprise when he said that. I had thought maybe he'd suggest he moves in and then once my dc are past uni and have independent lives we downsize, go part time and prepare for retirement.

I was surprised he suggested a new bigger house tbh, still am.

I think I'll be honest and say it won't work for me.

I was thinking same.

No way, you'd be off your head to even consider this. He's trying to make you financially responsible for him and his adult kids. Don't even think about it.

Don't do this.

You need to put yourself and your kids first. You have worked out to build your financial security and pay your own mortgage.

Don't put this at risk for anyone.

Tell him that moving is not part of your plan and keep living apart.

Missing the point, but still sharing a room at 18... Grim.

He has this all worked out.

He will talk you into buying the big house, he will move his dds in and that takes the pressure off the pressing money situation. Op can bankroll the house and bills.
He can maybe work part time or not at all in time, as he is totally sorted. Op can carry on working and paying.

Job done. He is sorted.

You are right to say no. This would be a huge mistake.

Definitely not. There’s no advantage to you or your kids. Hard no from me.

Apart from the issue of wanting this to be fair and equitable, whatever you do, many parents don’t have suitable space to house their adult dc for visits. Just like many adults don’t have a guest room for general visitors.

Dh and BIL haven’t been to spend the night at MIL’s in I don’t even know how long, even though it’s the same house they both grew up in. Their bedrooms are not bedrooms anymore. They don’t visit her really. She visits them. Same with my family (who live abroad). They put me up in an Airbnb the one time I visited. I didn’t stay with them.

It’s a lovely bonus to have extra space, but it doesn’t sound like it’s on the cards for you. It doesn’t mean you can’t live together with him paying significantly towards living, but not housing, costs. But you shouldn’t upsize unless you want to.

he's got a pension but it won't cover rent or buying a house.

So when he retires, he won’t have enough income to cover his rent and is likely to be expecting you to provide for him even without moving home.

I think you’re already decided against his idea for you to lumber yourself with a bigger mortgage and his adult children, how do you feel about his pension situation?

Keep your freedom
Keep your independence.
Raise your children,watch them fly then enjoy your total and absolute freedom.
A man with no assets is a pointless drain ( my fanny would have snapped shut at the very thought).

Me too.

He's lining himself up as a future cock lodger for sure.

I’d say it doesn’t work for you - say you don’t want to blend families this late so you’d assume he wouldn’t move in with you until your youngest is an adult, so 6 more years.

you don’t have to commit to anything now, but if mentally plan that by then, his DDs will be mid 20s and settled adults, they won’t need a bed at dads house, but if they do, then you can refuse to combine homes.

(if he stops paying cm this year, he’ll have 6 years of that extra money, watch what he does with it, if he suddenly wants to do expensive holidays, cars etc or spends it on subsidising his non-working dds - if he either saves it as a lump sum or pushes it into his pension, I’d look far more favourably on living with him than he spends it.)

Do not jeopardise your settled harmonious hard earned home and wellbeing to become the easy option for this man. Stay as you are.

Unless you have a burning desire to do this and it is what you have always wanted then I would steer clear of it. It sounds as though his AC would not be just popping in for a night, but would be using it as one home base; and there is no reason why your own children should be disrupted to facilitate this.

Wait till your own children are older before making any changes.

On top of everything it would be deeply unfair to your children.