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Original poster

Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

340 replies

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 02:41

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

OP posts:
MissMoan · 14/12/2024 03:22

So sorry to hear this, @Whattodo3094
I can see how you might start to become resentful at his lack of work/motivation, while you work hard and miss out on that time with your girls.

What was his job prior to your pregnancies? Could he go back to that?

Bearhunt468 · 14/12/2024 03:30

Sorry but there are plenty of jobs that fit in school hours especially in schools and without being sexist many schools would love a male role model for the kids. Plenty of lunchtime controller or TA jobs. And the fact that your going back part time means you don't need school hours as you can both just work full days opposite each other so whoever is off will be doing school pick ups.

Id be disappointed too in his attitude. He clearly just wants to be able to doss about at home when kids are in school. Don't forget there is also funding for 15 and 30 hours soon for little one so may help financially and make it worthwhile him working.

Tristar15 · 14/12/2024 03:31

You’ve decided to have a third child with someone who doesn’t work. I’m not sure why you think having a third child would make him want to go back to work?

You need to look at before and after school childcare so he hasn’t got the excuse of only being able to work a short amount of time around school hours.

Sounds like he doesn’t want to work though and now a third child is the perfect reason not to.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 03:36

I've mentioned working in a school. It's what my sister does and it works perfectly but any time working is brought up, he just gets defensive and shuts down the conversation. I just wish he wanted to work. He wants us to be able to buy a place and to be comfortable but seems to not want to put in any of the effort to make that happen!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 03:38

Tristar15 · 14/12/2024 03:31

You’ve decided to have a third child with someone who doesn’t work. I’m not sure why you think having a third child would make him want to go back to work?

You need to look at before and after school childcare so he hasn’t got the excuse of only being able to work a short amount of time around school hours.

Sounds like he doesn’t want to work though and now a third child is the perfect reason not to.

To be fair, I didn't make the decision to have a third child, our contraception failed.

It's again frustrating because the plan was for him to be off work until our middle child was in school full time and then he just never went back to work!

OP posts:
DarkForces · 14/12/2024 03:39

I think that it's really hard to find work that will pay well and is part time, especially if you're expecting him to do school runs too. It's easier to work full time, establish yourself and reduce hours. You need proper wrap around care on the days you're both working. It's not unreasonable to expect you both to be working. 3 kids are expensive and I can't imagine how you'll fund it on 1 part time wage unless you're extremely well paid.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 03:41

MissMoan · 14/12/2024 03:22

So sorry to hear this, @Whattodo3094
I can see how you might start to become resentful at his lack of work/motivation, while you work hard and miss out on that time with your girls.

What was his job prior to your pregnancies? Could he go back to that?

He was working in the hospital as a healthcare assistant and before that as a personal care assistant. He said he never wanted to go back to personal care which is fine but I bet he could find something at the hospital.

It's all things I've brought up before. I just hate how he gets an attitude every time it is brought up yet he has the audacity to be annoyed at me for dropping my hours because of our finances! He could have been working for years and has chosen not to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 03:45

DarkForces · 14/12/2024 03:39

I think that it's really hard to find work that will pay well and is part time, especially if you're expecting him to do school runs too. It's easier to work full time, establish yourself and reduce hours. You need proper wrap around care on the days you're both working. It's not unreasonable to expect you both to be working. 3 kids are expensive and I can't imagine how you'll fund it on 1 part time wage unless you're extremely well paid.

Yeah on my part time wages I wouldn't be able to completely support us but I've been talking to him about how he should really find a job since we found out about the pregnancy. I knew we would the period of low maternity pay which will be a struggle in itself. And yet he hasn't even looked for anything.

I honestly think he assumed I'd get stressed at the idea of the lack of money and just go back full time so he wouldn't have to worry about it. I can't think of a reason he wouldn't have been looking otherwise.

One of his arguments is that I have a degree and he doesn't so I can get the better paid job, but honestly. It's not like he can't get a job!

OP posts:
CanelliniBeans · 14/12/2024 03:47

He needs to get a job. Part time or full time but you've done your bit, he needs to do his.

pincklop · 14/12/2024 03:50

How is he an amazing partner? Say all his good points 🥰 it's no good when everything's negative you need to balance it out. Then potentially talk about the bad stuff and change it, make it work xx

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 03:50

CanelliniBeans · 14/12/2024 03:47

He needs to get a job. Part time or full time but you've done your bit, he needs to do his.

I know but I just don't know how I can make it happen. I can't force him to apply for work. It's not like I want to break up my family over this. I love him, I just wish he wanted to contribute without me having to essentially demand it.

OP posts:
DarkForces · 14/12/2024 03:55

I think you need a plan that means he's not expected to do school runs, but completely reasonable to expect him to get a job. Does he have any interest in a career in health or education? He needs to think about what he wants to do rather than what's just convenient. As you know the value of work you find rewarding is immense.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 03:59

pincklop · 14/12/2024 03:50

How is he an amazing partner? Say all his good points 🥰 it's no good when everything's negative you need to balance it out. Then potentially talk about the bad stuff and change it, make it work xx

He's great in almost every way except for the fact he's just lazy.

We love spending time together, he's an amazing cook, he's extremely supportive, fantastic in bed, spends time with my family despite them being.. odd.. without going into detail. He's funny and kind and we have great conversation.

But he's lazy. He just doesn't put in the effort with keeping on top of the house and won't work. If I don't ask him to clean something, he just won't. I get back from work to the house being a mess and I wouldn't care if he worked too but he's home every day while the girls are at school and he just has no excuse. If I ask what he's done with his day, regardless of my tone, he kind of gets an attitude. Like he gets offended I'm implying he's not done anything around the house, but he obviously hasn't.

And I think the reason he won't get a job is also that he's just lazy. He doesn't want to. We can get by with just me working full time so that's what he wants to stick with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:03

DarkForces · 14/12/2024 03:55

I think you need a plan that means he's not expected to do school runs, but completely reasonable to expect him to get a job. Does he have any interest in a career in health or education? He needs to think about what he wants to do rather than what's just convenient. As you know the value of work you find rewarding is immense.

One of the problems is that I don't know what my part time hours will be. Whether it is 3 full days, 5 part time days etc. but that won't be a factor until August anyway and I'm sure I could discuss with my work going back around his working hours. They're very flexible with me.

I think alot of his problem is not knowing what he wants to do. He doesn't have a specific career he has always wanted to go into, it's just been whatever has come up really.

I love my job and I want him to find something he loves too, but when he won't even look into working or what's out there, I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
DarkForces · 14/12/2024 04:08

At the moment he's cleaning, cooking and saving you childcare costs for wrap around care and holidays. Could you cope without him? I completely agree he needs to work but if he's leaves you with the kids would you be ok? Trying to get a sense of how much leverage you have.
If he digs his heels in, can you still afford to go part time?

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:11

DarkForces · 14/12/2024 04:08

At the moment he's cleaning, cooking and saving you childcare costs for wrap around care and holidays. Could you cope without him? I completely agree he needs to work but if he's leaves you with the kids would you be ok? Trying to get a sense of how much leverage you have.
If he digs his heels in, can you still afford to go part time?

Edited

I don't want to cope without him haha I just want him to step up.

Realistically with going down to part time I would be able to make it work by myself but it's just not even something I want to consider.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:14

DarkForces · 14/12/2024 04:08

At the moment he's cleaning, cooking and saving you childcare costs for wrap around care and holidays. Could you cope without him? I completely agree he needs to work but if he's leaves you with the kids would you be ok? Trying to get a sense of how much leverage you have.
If he digs his heels in, can you still afford to go part time?

Edited

I honestly don't know if we could afford me to go part time without him working at all. I really thought he'd get a job when we found out we were going to have another baby. We have discussed it and at times he seemed on board but then nothing happened.

I just don't understand his long term plans.

A friend of ours announced they had bought a house recently and it really bummed him out because we're no where near that ourselves but again.. he's not doing anything to get us closer to that.

OP posts:
Optimist2020 · 14/12/2024 04:14

Why would you have a third child with a lazy man who doesn’t want to work @Whattodo3094 ? Nothing more of a turn off than a lazy man happy to sponge off his partner .

DarkForces · 14/12/2024 04:16

Fair enough. In that case I'd tell him how much the family will need from x date and say you don't care how he makes it, you won't chase him or ask how it's going and only help if he asks for it but you need him to be a team player and find a way to do it. You'll help make childcare work and do your fair share of household stuff but he has to meet you half way. That you love him and respect his contribution but you need this. Stick it as a family goal somewhere he'll see it and hope he steps up.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:20

DarkForces · 14/12/2024 04:16

Fair enough. In that case I'd tell him how much the family will need from x date and say you don't care how he makes it, you won't chase him or ask how it's going and only help if he asks for it but you need him to be a team player and find a way to do it. You'll help make childcare work and do your fair share of household stuff but he has to meet you half way. That you love him and respect his contribution but you need this. Stick it as a family goal somewhere he'll see it and hope he steps up.

Thanks 💕 I appreciate the advice and I think the family goal idea is great.

OP posts:
TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 14/12/2024 04:22

My EXH is lazy. It's a trait I'm not compatible with. You seem to be a very understanding person with great patience.
There isn't anything you can do to change this about him. He needs to want to work and contribute and he clearly doesn't.

So maybe list out your options.
He can list his.

Then trial a compromise. It the compromise doesn't work He can try a full time job or yoi can go back to work full time as you don't seen like you'll leave him over this.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:25

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 14/12/2024 04:22

My EXH is lazy. It's a trait I'm not compatible with. You seem to be a very understanding person with great patience.
There isn't anything you can do to change this about him. He needs to want to work and contribute and he clearly doesn't.

So maybe list out your options.
He can list his.

Then trial a compromise. It the compromise doesn't work He can try a full time job or yoi can go back to work full time as you don't seen like you'll leave him over this.

You're right that I won't leave him over this. I wish I could sometimes. If he was a worse partner or a terrible dad, it would make it easier to just say I'm done with this. But he's not. Other than his sheer laziness, he's honestly great and I am aggravatingly aware that I can't change his laziness.

I will definitely try to list out my options and ask for his though. That seems a good place to start.

OP posts:
YellowAsteroid · 14/12/2024 04:28

What does he do for the hours during the day when your children at school? If he doesn’t do housework he’s a lazy arse. (Is he a gamer?)

He could be studying for better qualifications or doing housework. Or actually earn some money.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:30

YellowAsteroid · 14/12/2024 04:28

What does he do for the hours during the day when your children at school? If he doesn’t do housework he’s a lazy arse. (Is he a gamer?)

He could be studying for better qualifications or doing housework. Or actually earn some money.

Yeah he is a gamer. It's been a point of friction on and off throughout our relationship.

He's not always gaming but I also wonder what he does all day. 5 hours a day is a long time to just hang about the house. Especially since I know I can get our house properly clean and tidy by myself in a couple of hours.

OP posts:
That70sHouse · 14/12/2024 04:30

You’re saying “I don’t know why he won’t get a job” but you’ve answered your own question. You work and you won’t leave him over the issue. Bingo! How ideal. You’ve shown that you’re willing to work full time and he doesn’t have to and you’ll also tolerate him not doing anything 5 days a week and not cleaning, doing all the house stuff etc. So why would he suddenly start? You’re allowing him to be lazy and won’t leave him over the issue. He’s got a great little set up.

Honestly OP I don’t mean to be harsh but you sound like a right mug. I can’t imagine describing someone like this as an “amazing partner and father” but you’re clearly willing to tolerate it and that’s why he’s not changing. So either just make your peace with it and accept it or actually do something about it and tell him to stop taking the piss. I’m angry on your behalf but if you won’t get angry then nothing will change.