Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

[Whattodo3094]

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

Personally I would wait til after Xmas to really get into the details with him. Ask him to start thinking about what careers he may like to pursue with the intention to really hash out the logistics in January.

Plus when he passes his driving test he may have more options.

He doesn't admit to being lazy, he just makes excuses for the most part or says he's "taking a day off from it all"

And what he was saying about my maternity leave length, I think it was a desperate attempt to stay home longer. I don't think he was trying to be mean, it was probably him being worried about me potentially losing my job at which point he would 100% have to be working. That's what I'm assuming

Yes- Initially I thought a man might feel emasculated not working and staying at home - talk about powerless, having to rely on someone else for money-
But it looks like it has now made him lose confidence in working, and he’s becoming a dosser.
Adding a third child to this mix isn’t what I’d have done- OP has 4 kids.

I am angry for you op. I am much older than you, and I have seen so many wonderful women burnt out by their supposedly loving partners.

They end up doing absolutely everything, you are already 50% there - and you will become so exhausted, so broken you won’t have the strength to make the changes needed.

You won’t always be young and strong. Three kids in, the stress of your jobs, the demands of life - it eats away at all of our reserves. Your body will age, your life force is not yours forever. You need a solid team in life, and all you have right now is someone that is going to drag you down.

You still sound resilient, strong and capable use this now to get the life you deserve,the contribution and the team work financially contributing and in all ways to future proof your life.

By the time your baby arrives he needs to be fully functioning, contributing financially and taking on full responsibility. Peter Pan needs to grow some man balls and step into adulthood.

He doesn't "do" night time with the kids
He doesn't drive
He doesn't work
He hasn't got a pension contributing to your financial futures
He doesn't financially contribute to the household
He doesn't do housework

Doing the school and nursery run doesn't make someone a SAHD. What does he do with the children when you're not there.... shove them in front of the TV?
He is literally putting the entire weight of responsibility onto your shoulders, and you're letting him. Time to toughen up, why on earth should you miss out on the early years with another child so he can sit on his arse playing games.

@Whattodo3094 Yes, you shouldn’t be parenting him. You say, “he should be doing this himself.” He has shown you, time and again, that he won’t do it himself. Now what?

@Whattodo3094 i could have written this a few years ago, only my DH wasn’t a gamer and it was historic depression which had eroded his confidence. I tried everything - coaxing, shouting, begging, tears, silent treatment - it all upset him, but not enough to get him to change.

after we had our 3rd, I had a conversation with him. It was calm and measured and it basically went like this - “I love you and I mostly love our life together, but I’m starting to lose respect for you. I need to feel like I have an equal partner and that means someone who gets up and shows up for our family. I don’t expect you to try and build a high flying career; I know that’s not you. I do expect you to provide some money so that I also get to spend a bit more time with our family. I’m worried that if you don’t, I’m going to keep losing respect for you and the resentment will grow and what we have will end up poisoned beyond fixing. I’m not going to ask you again, but I need you to know how I feel and where I think we’re going to end up if you don’t change your path.”

would love to say it worked overnight - it took a bit longer and then he found some casual delivery work; no customer interaction, minimal risk, which were both really important for building his confidence. I think that was key and maybe something to think about for your partner - all sahps lose confidence over time with the workplace and finding the right first job is important. Anyway, he built his confidence up, then applied as a TA, did that for a few years and then qualified as a teacher. We never had to have that conversation again and he’s now absolutely a partner in every way.

i guess what I’m saying is it is fixable but only if he wants to put the work in. At the moment he doesn’t want to - maybe it’s confidence, maybe it’s because he’s a cock lodger, we don’t know him. I’d advise you to think really hard about what level of compromise you’re prepared to make and then set your boundaries out clearly to him, being prepared to act on them. What I will say is that I think what you’re feeling and reacting to is a lessening of respect him for him and that will only go one way without a change.

Honestly the more you talk about him, the worse your situation sounds. You say he's a lovely, caring partner and father and then describe the reality of your situation and it sounds completely opposite. The maternity leave comment wasn't said in your and your baby's best interest was it? It was said in his.

I'd start making some plans about what's best for you and DC. Waiting for him to suddenly become proactive and motivated, you'll be waiting forever.

He could set himself up as self employed. That's what I did in between having DC 2 and 3 when I couldn't make a profit in my previous job.

I worked as a cleaner; early mornings before DH went to work and 1 afternoon in the week when my mum could babysit.

He could do a short course in something and then advertise. Painting and decorating, cleaning, pet care, dog walking, gardening. Or do something like parcel delivery/postman.

You won’t lose your job by taking your full maternity entitlement. What is he on about?

I cannot believe you have allowed yourself end up in this situation.
My DH is a gamer, but he's ambitious, driven and earns close to six figures. I also work full time. We have 2 DC, 1 toddler, 1 school age. Things need to change.

Sorry OP, but he sounds like he is too comfortable to want to work. And you are enabling him.

He gets to game for hours everyday instead of doing any housework. Of course he is not thrilled about having to work instead of sitting at home and playing video games.

I think his suggestion you take only 6 months off for maternity leave is also coming across as selfish.

I don't know him obviously, but those qualities make him sound like selfish leech.

He could be looking for part time jobs or retrain, or at least show some initiative. He is just coming with excuses because his comfortable life is about to end.

I honestly don't know how you find this attractive.

If you are not prepared to split up if he doesn't get a job then nothing will change and he don't look for work

Obv no one wants to split a family and be s single parent but sometimes you have to

Why does uc pay a chunk of rent if both kids are at school /over 3 and they Havnt said he needs to find a job

Seems madness /unfair you get rent paid and he isn't working or looking for work as kids older

He has no intention of working - he's had an easy time of it past few years as kids older

A baby will take up his time

You say he likes cooking so can he apply for food /cooking jobs ?

You say that he has never got up in the night with the children. When you return to work after the baby is born and if you are not breastfeeding, you need to make it clear that he will be doing all the night wakings during the week when you need to get up for work.

Instead of suggesting he gets a part time job why don't you ask him outright exactly why he is so determined to not find a job?

@Whattodo3094 so he is quite happy about his whole family living on benefits when he is fit and able bodied??? he is NOT a stay at home dad, he is a LAZY TOSSER!!!!

Sounds mad to me that he wants you to live on one part time salary when you don't even own a house. So he can sit around for most of the day on his arse.

Renting, all this time, if he'd even had a part time supermarket type job you'd have saved enough for a small deposit!

And only 6 months mat leave I because you have to race back to support his laziness is horrific. I couldn't leave a 6 month old, that's when it starts getting fun and easy. You're only just really recovering from birth still. I would be taking the year and expect him to have any type of full time job lined up by the time baby comes. Whether that's working mcdonalds/ retail/ waiting tables/ warehouse work. He doesn't need a degree, just motivation.

You need to cut him off, just stop giving him any money, he's stealing your future you'll be in the same position in 10yrs time if you leave him to it. Only he'll have had lots of time to himself and time with the kids and you'll have been slaving away. Turn the Internet off in the day.

I can't quite get past never doing night wakings. I bet when you had a 2 year old they woke in the night sometimes. Were you settling them, then getting up for work?!

I really feel for both of you. You are trying hard to resolve the situation. Your other half is probably lost and opting out of actually actively stepping up, being a grown up and doing what is necessary.
In a way being a sahp does save on costs, but not when basic jobs ie house clean and tidy aren't happening. Also it has to be a joint agreement.
The financial hardship may well focus his mind - well done you for standing your ground.
He is probably addicted to his gaming and using it to opt out of life - getting swallowed up by it. He may well have a degree of depression that isn't helping. He may also be ashamed of himself but can't move forwards.
Is there a possibility he could do some volunteering - whilst it isn't income, it is him being out of the house. Means he's mixing with others and a change of scene.
He could also sign up with a job agency - they will do the job searching and it may lead to something more permanent.
Growing up my mum worked a mixture of FT and PT but once the industry my dad worked in pretty much disappeared, he had to work any jobs to bring money in. He was low paid at times and he really struggled but no choice, as the income was needed. There was also a degree of self respect in him working (my mum was always the higher earner).

When you are on maternity leave will he be the person still doing the cooking, cleaning, school runs etc or will that fall to you because you won't be in work? What happens now when you are on annual leave? Does he get lazier?

Think it's fairly clear why he doesn't have a degree.....

Good partners/dads support their family. He is neither.

Just to weigh in that it is unreasonable for him to be dossing around until he figures out what he wants to
do. Very few of us end up in a career that we’ve handpicked for ourselves. I completely fell into my job through necessity after DC1 was born and I needed something part time. It was not in a sector I had an experience in but I’ve managed to work my way up over the last 5 years and now in a fairly senior position. What I’m saying is when you have kids you do not have luxury to pick the “perfect” job.

If he needs a term time job then he just needs to do a general search for one and start applying. There is time when the kids are older for him to find his “calling” but for now he just needs a job that fits in with your life.

The thing is we've all done jobs we don't like or hate because we need the money.

Where's his pride? He's all for bringing children into the world but not providing for them. Or himself.

No matter what the job is there is pride and it is worthy. There are plenty of jobs available.

Initially the impact of the new baby won't be so bad but eventually it will. Your salary won't stretch so you'll all be living in reduced circumstances.

I don't believe you can change someone who's lazy and eventually you will be resentful. You are the only grown up. You would be better off alone.

I think you will have to dig your heels in. Tell him you are taking a year off and then going back part time. He needs to get a job while you’re on maternity leave.

I have a friend in a similar position who ended up being the non resident parent to her three children because their lazy dad could prove he had been the full time parent for years. Obviously he just filled the position of “Nanny with a Fanny” via online dating so he still doesn’t do much actual parenting.

OP, he’s not ‘lovely in every other way’ - his laziness and lack of drive supersedes everything. Laziness is an awful trait. You’ve got yourself a freeloader here I am sorry to say. A man who is content to have you do everything and unwilling to pay his way. It must be next to impossible to have any respect for him. Think carefully about how you want the rest of your life to be. Does it feature this leech?