Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

340 replies

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 02:41

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:33

That70sHouse · 14/12/2024 04:30

You’re saying “I don’t know why he won’t get a job” but you’ve answered your own question. You work and you won’t leave him over the issue. Bingo! How ideal. You’ve shown that you’re willing to work full time and he doesn’t have to and you’ll also tolerate him not doing anything 5 days a week and not cleaning, doing all the house stuff etc. So why would he suddenly start? You’re allowing him to be lazy and won’t leave him over the issue. He’s got a great little set up.

Honestly OP I don’t mean to be harsh but you sound like a right mug. I can’t imagine describing someone like this as an “amazing partner and father” but you’re clearly willing to tolerate it and that’s why he’s not changing. So either just make your peace with it and accept it or actually do something about it and tell him to stop taking the piss. I’m angry on your behalf but if you won’t get angry then nothing will change.

I've gotten angry. We've argued. I've lost my absolute mind over things. It just changes things short term but he always changes back and it just gets exhausting constantly going over the same shit again and again.

I don't want to break up my family over this. But I do agree, I have let this go on too long. It just reaches a point where it does seem my option is to leave or accept it and those seem like bullshit options. I would lose either way.

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 14/12/2024 04:34

Never mind school hours. He can work full time whilst you are on maternity leave. He is going to be working whilst you’re at home isn’t he?

LardoBurrows · 14/12/2024 04:35

Well as he only ever worked mainly part-time even after you had children, he has obviously always been lazy and unambitious. The fact that he is bummed out about not being able to buy a house without making the connection between
no job= no money=no house shows he is thick too. So lazy, workshy and thick, you've got yourself a real winner there Op. The writing was on the wall at the beginning of the relationship, but unfortunately you ignored the big red flag.

You are really going to give him an ultimatum, either he gets a job, preferably full time, like most adults, or you split, but you have to be prepared to walk away.

I don't know how you can have any respect for him.

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 14/12/2024 04:37

OP @That70sHouse has a point here.
That's why I said you'll end up doing the full time job as you won't leave.
I couldn't stay attracted physically and emotionally to my ex (also liked gaming) although he was a good father too. But I take a holistic view that a good partner and father contributes and wouldn't allow me to work like crazy (which I did) do the bulk of the household stuff and life admin.

I'm engaged now to someone who has a very different mentality, solid work ethic, helps with things without being asked and doesn't get an attitude and can pay his way. Huge difference to my emotional wellbeing and overall happiness.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:38

BananaSpanner · 14/12/2024 04:34

Never mind school hours. He can work full time whilst you are on maternity leave. He is going to be working whilst you’re at home isn’t he?

I honestly don't know what his plan was for my maternity leave. I said after we found out I was pregnant that he should get a job so he's working while I'm on leave at the very least and he agreed, but he hasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:42

LardoBurrows · 14/12/2024 04:35

Well as he only ever worked mainly part-time even after you had children, he has obviously always been lazy and unambitious. The fact that he is bummed out about not being able to buy a house without making the connection between
no job= no money=no house shows he is thick too. So lazy, workshy and thick, you've got yourself a real winner there Op. The writing was on the wall at the beginning of the relationship, but unfortunately you ignored the big red flag.

You are really going to give him an ultimatum, either he gets a job, preferably full time, like most adults, or you split, but you have to be prepared to walk away.

I don't know how you can have any respect for him.

I know I probably seem stupid defending him but he really is great other than his laziness. But he was lazy from the beginning so I did ignore the obvious red flag. My only defensive is I was young. We got together at 17 and are now 30.

He only worked part time before except at the hospital I guess. That was 3 days a week but 12 hour shifts so technically full time?

OP posts:
Bubblebuttress · 14/12/2024 04:42

If this was reversed and it was man mining bout how his wife did nothing during the day then the site would be livid. Sham work their arses off keeping the house and family going in the day time. Why is it daft to expect a shad to be doing the same. He’ll be run off his feet when there are three kids…

Codlingmoths · 14/12/2024 04:44

I’d leave over this. It would be really important he was working before I confirmed my part time hours with work so I could make it work with him (if you think you will have some say) and honestly I’d be done if he didn’t.

BananaSpanner · 14/12/2024 04:44

Bubblebuttress · 14/12/2024 04:42

If this was reversed and it was man mining bout how his wife did nothing during the day then the site would be livid. Sham work their arses off keeping the house and family going in the day time. Why is it daft to expect a shad to be doing the same. He’ll be run off his feet when there are three kids…

wtf are sham and shad?

Codlingmoths · 14/12/2024 04:45

Bubblebuttress · 14/12/2024 04:42

If this was reversed and it was man mining bout how his wife did nothing during the day then the site would be livid. Sham work their arses off keeping the house and family going in the day time. Why is it daft to expect a shad to be doing the same. He’ll be run off his feet when there are three kids…

everybody expects a sahm of children at school to clean the house. Thats what they’ve had.

BananaSpanner · 14/12/2024 04:46

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:38

I honestly don't know what his plan was for my maternity leave. I said after we found out I was pregnant that he should get a job so he's working while I'm on leave at the very least and he agreed, but he hasn't.

Show quote history

You need to push this. Plenty of time to get a job before you go on maternity leave.

notatinydancer · 14/12/2024 04:46

@Whattodo3094 the thing is if he gets a part time job now (school jobs aren't well paid) surely all the new wages , if they go into the family pot, will be taken up by childcare for the new baby ?

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 14/12/2024 04:48

It sounds like you both love your children and are great parents in many ways but you need to be very clear-
both you and he are modelling to the children that Daddy not working is rewarded by mummy working hard both at work and at home, so that Daddy can do aimless gaming most of the day.

YellowAsteroid · 14/12/2024 04:50

Bubblebuttress · 14/12/2024 04:42

If this was reversed and it was man mining bout how his wife did nothing during the day then the site would be livid. Sham work their arses off keeping the house and family going in the day time. Why is it daft to expect a shad to be doing the same. He’ll be run off his feet when there are three kids…

Except he doesn’t do housework and doesn’t run the house.

I’d say the same about a SAHM. Although on MN that’s very unfashionable and the wrath of MN’s very defensive and entitled SAHMs is rained down.

Justsayit123 · 14/12/2024 04:52

He is not amazing at all. Wake up and see what a pisstake he is. Where’s his pension… he wil take yours.

Amaranthasweetandfair · 14/12/2024 04:52

I knew he'd be a gamer, I've had one myself so saw the signs. Mine quit his job and I had to pay all the rent while he gamed all day. Didn't last long after that.

DarkForces · 14/12/2024 04:52

I'd say exactly the same about a sahm (and have many times. Mn is not a single entity but many different people). If your family needs x amount then it's both parents responsibility to make it. It's about being a team.

However if your dh is like me, I hate to feel hemmed in. Once we have a goal I'll do my bit but in my way. When dh needed to take a break from work I had a full time job within a few months and done ever since and been promoted. We have a cleaner as a reward!

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:55

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 14/12/2024 04:37

OP @That70sHouse has a point here.
That's why I said you'll end up doing the full time job as you won't leave.
I couldn't stay attracted physically and emotionally to my ex (also liked gaming) although he was a good father too. But I take a holistic view that a good partner and father contributes and wouldn't allow me to work like crazy (which I did) do the bulk of the household stuff and life admin.

I'm engaged now to someone who has a very different mentality, solid work ethic, helps with things without being asked and doesn't get an attitude and can pay his way. Huge difference to my emotional wellbeing and overall happiness.

It definitely has affected my emotional wellbeing at times. Just the stress and anger over repeating the same things that need to get done. It has felt like I am parenting him at times and those times are the closest I have come to actually giving up on the relationship.

This is my first time posting on here so I don't know how much info is too much, but I used to really struggle with conflict. Like I'd completely shut down, due to abuse when I was younger. It meant if he raised his voice (which he rarely does) or if he tried to have an argument over anything, I literally couldn't handle it and my brain would shut down and I couldn't respond. A PTSD response unfortunately. I had a massive breakthrough with my mental health last year and have been far more capable of being out spoken and actually maintaining my voice in an argument which I think has surprised him somewhat! But he's also really happy for me that I am now capable of arguing back ( not sure if that sounds weird - we rarely argue but now it's honestly a relief that we know if conflict comes up, I can respond and won't be sat there silent).

So today, he was grumpy anyway, but he was giving me attitude about my decision to go down to part time and saying how will we make it work and I literally said "what's your perfect solution then? Tell me what you want me to do? How many hours should I work, how much time should I give up with our baby? Why can't you get a job" I was very straightforward and direct and he didn't really know what to say. I'm going to bring it up again tomorrow because I actually want an answer from him. It will be telling to see what he thinks is reasonable to ask of me.

OP posts:
That70sHouse · 14/12/2024 04:59

Now I’ve read the updates about him being a gamer I can confidently call him a cocklodger. What a complete piss take. OP why on earth you wouldn’t leave a man over this is beyond me, you need to have higher standards for yourself. You’re worth more than this.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 05:01

notatinydancer · 14/12/2024 04:46

@Whattodo3094 the thing is if he gets a part time job now (school jobs aren't well paid) surely all the new wages , if they go into the family pot, will be taken up by childcare for the new baby ?

It depends on when he works. During maternity it wouldn't matter but when I go back, if I'm part time, he'll have those days to work where I would be home so wouldn't need more childcare. We should honestly be able to make it work with both of us working.

Couples with children make it work with both working all the time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 05:03

That70sHouse · 14/12/2024 04:59

Now I’ve read the updates about him being a gamer I can confidently call him a cocklodger. What a complete piss take. OP why on earth you wouldn’t leave a man over this is beyond me, you need to have higher standards for yourself. You’re worth more than this.

Is it pathetic to say it's because I love him? 🤦 I love so much of our life together.

It's why it's so upsetting that he won't step up. It's honestly the only thing holding us back but it's such a big thing.

OP posts:
DarkForces · 14/12/2024 05:05

I do think you need to accept the fact you might need some childcare. The entry grade jobs he'd be looking at would be unlikely to have the flexibility you need.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 05:05

BananaSpanner · 14/12/2024 04:46

You need to push this. Plenty of time to get a job before you go on maternity leave.

Show quote history

I will be pushing this. I've had some great advice on here.

I know things can't stay this way. I knew that already but honestly with having a third, something's got to give.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 05:08

DarkForces · 14/12/2024 05:05

I do think you need to accept the fact you might need some childcare. The entry grade jobs he'd be looking at would be unlikely to have the flexibility you need.

That's fair. I have started looking into it and have already provisionally booked a nursery space close by to my work. He was annoyed about that too because "I can look after the baby while you work" - but I paid the deposit anyway assuming he'd be working by then.

The only annoying thing about the nursery space is I won't get it until November and I plan to go back to work in August. Honestly, I'll figure out a way to make it work though. Whether we pay a child minder or something on my working days or ask family to help, I'd get it sorted. I just need him working and actually bringing in an income.

OP posts:
DarkForces · 14/12/2024 05:12

Well done on the nursery place. You sound very proactive. No wonder he drives you mad!