Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

[Whattodo3094]

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

Well he isn't going to find it easy to loaf around gaming all day with a baby, once you are back to work. In fact, full time at home with a baby is a lot of work - it might be just the catalyst he needs to go back to paid work.

You do have my sympathy, like I say because I have seen it first hand. My brother had every excuse in the book as to why he is gaming and not doing stuff around the house when still the only adult child living at home.

"I was working today so don't want to do chores"

"It's my day off so I don't want to do chores"

Seriously, I had both of those excuses off him in the space of a few days.

I asked him if he was planning on de-weeding the driveway because it was like a jungle, he said no because he doesn't park his car there 🤣

He's recently moved in with his partner and I can't help but feel there's a rude awakening in the post.

Your husband sounds similar, like he is doing as little as you will let him get away with.

Does he step up at the weekend or are you then the default parent? Because if he switches off at the weekend because you are on hand then you have your answer. Dialing it in.

Is there any reason he can't get a job working Saturday and Sunday. I used to work in a hospital at weekends and the pay was very good, it's a hard graft but you feel part of something and might help with any esteem issues he has.

I appreciate weekends are usually for some quality family time, but if you household finances dictate something needs to be done, then something needs to be done.

If you always do what you've done, you'll always get what you've got.

When you go back part time he needs to find work the days you are at home. Simple. This fair as you both get time away from.home and at home.

He has always really struggled with knowing what he wants to do career wise. And I honestly did too before getting my current job, which I think is why I empathise so much with it.

He did college but didn't do very well and then tried uni but ended up dropping out. He's intelligent but very much can't do structured learning so I don't think there would be any point in him trying another degree.

I've talked to him about researching different career paths, talking to career advisors etc to see if they could help find a good fit for him but he just doesn't do it. He gets quite dejected when thinking about attempting to get into a career and I don't know how to help him with this. It seems to be something he needs to want to do for himself.

I'd love for him to find a career he loves but if he won't even try that, then he needs to accept just getting any job to help support us.

Yeah we never considered weekend work for either of us because we wanted that family time but if that's what we need to do now, that's what we need to do.

I'm not the default parent at the weekends. He'll get up with them, he'll take them out, he'll let me nap when I need to. We both take an active role at the weekends.

Like I said, he's a great dad and partner, just lazy.

Also, when he worked and I was sahm, he also tried to use those exact excuses for not helping in the house!

Op he doesn’t want a career or to do do anything worthwhile.

He wants to game for as long as possible uninterrupted, and be a kept man child. He has no sense of responsibility or discipline. He wants to be a 4th child indefinitely.

He is a dreadful role model to your children. They are growing up watching him loaf around and free load from you.

I would be issuing an ultimatum. Step up and get a well paid job, or ship out. He is going to bleed you dry otherwise.

Also wished to add I’m very sorry for your losses (I’m a kinship care leaver, so every situation is different, but it’s so hard when they go - please ignore my username for this, actually very litteral as in I have friends from all religions and atheists etc).
And as PP posters said, you’ve done great. I hugely struggled when mine departed when I turned 18, did have grades and degree but did do care work also, it has been a ride. It sounds like you’re finding your voice and I wish you and your LOs the best

Very true! When I was sahm, I had a baby, then a toddler and a baby. I went to work when they were 4 and 2 so that's all he's experienced. I can't help but assume he thinks having a baby all day will be a breeze. I know it very much won't be so many that will push him to get a job, who knows.

You have made life way too easy for him. Make it harder.

You can find time to game with a baby if you aren’t looking after them properly. There is no way I would leave a baby with this man child in the first place.

He is not a ‘good dad’ at all!
He is doing the absolute bare minimum to scrape by, he is a terrible role model, he doesn’t have any drive or ambition- nor does he provide for them! Most fathers have a full time job and also take their children out at the weekend, and support their working partners.

Your standards are extraordinarily low op. Please wake up this man is taking the absolute piss.

Thank you 💕 it's been a really tough year. I was really close with my adopted mum, she was more like my best friend really.

It's awful to be dealing with the loss but a relief to know she isn't suffering anymore. A mixture of emotions that I'm sure will keep me up and down for a good while!

You say you love him and you don’t want this to be a breakup issue but please take into account how resentment will build. Your relationship will be toxic in 10 years time and you will hate his guts because you will have done the motherload of the work. Have a skim of the relationship board and how many feel about lazy partners (even those earning well). I was a SAHM for several years and loved it (though did all the domestic work and no gaming) but it was unfair that the financial mental load was carried by one person. Imagine this marriage in 10 years time: if nothing changes now you will not like him, or want to shag him and when menopause hits your held back rage will make you want to kill him as he sleeps.

Imagine in 20 years time and you were looking in on your daughters life and her husband was doing this to her, what would your advice be to her?
Would you believe her if she said he was a great man?
Would you be proud of your son putting all the pressure on your daughter in law?

He's a lazy arse OP.

I think I've been waking up to it over the last 2 years. I've honestly had too much to deal with until now but I've definitely reached a point where I can and will be focusing on getting this resolved.

My adopted mum held the same views (shouldn't leave the baby with him, he should be working to provide for us, what's wrong with him that he doesn't want to do that) - so it's something I've considered before. I know I'll be home with the baby until August regardless and I know my nursery space will be available from November, so I will just need to figure something out for that period in between.

Honestly, he was my first "real boyfriend" and I let alot of things slide early on which laid a shit groundwork for myself. I'm been clawing back ever since it seems.

I'm done now though. It's been 13 years. Things have always shifted in terms of house hold duties, who was working, the addition of kids, but his laziness has always been a factor.

I don't know how to instill drive and ambition into someone but he needs to figure it out.

I definitely have points of resentment I have felt building already so yes, in 10 years, without change it would significantly more.

I think it's just one of those things where I kept just thinking, he'll get a job now. They're in school, he'll start applying. We had a good chat about it, I've gotten through to him.. but then nothing has changed.

I don't like an ultimatum but I'm going to have a blunt conversation with him tomorrow about expectations and working and income. It's needed.

I'd hate it for them. I know I would. Over the years things have gotten better in some ways but others have stayed the same.

I just need him to grow up and step up.

From what I have read you rent is this correct?

Do you receive UC now as a family? If yes how much? Will you receive more UC if you go part time?

Why does your partner not drive? Do you drive all the time? Loads of driving jobs which fit around school hours.

Yes we rent, we get a small UC top up. That would go up if I go part time but we would still be on much less overall per month.

He is learning to drive so should have his license by the end of January. Otherwise yes, I have been doing all of the driving for us. Including when I was sahm, I would drive him to and from work

So many jobs that work around school, or just pay for wrap around care. That’s what we did for many years. I’m a civil servant and we have many staff who work school hours, some school hours and part year working so they have school holidays off. Lots of casual jobs he could do also in the days you have off. I’d be pretty hacked off he had the cheek to be annoyed at you when he’s not working at all. He could get a job 3 days a week and use the free childcare for the days you’re at work and might overlap. He is clearly just not motivated to go back to work. He needs to be doing housework too as a SAHD.

Apologies as I get a bit behind with your replies (given a LO who seems to like waking up :) just for the sake of it it seems sometimes😅, definitely fed etc 😭) but do you think he actually wants a ‘career’ ? Does he have siblings etc doing very well financially and doesn’t feel like he can ‘catch up’ ? That would knock confidence for a lot of people and to be fair lot for men (then again he chose this also, hence suggesting school roles as PP mentioned) - but at the end of the day our responsibility is to provide, your last paragraph sums it up really, does a career really matter ? I wish I could stay home longer and my ‘career’ will likely be different but bills need to be paid, you just cannot be lazy with 3 ( or 1, or however many…). I’d say you’d really need to further evaluate his views on this.
What do his family think, if in the picture ?

I think you should start speaking a lot more from the 'we' voice - 'the house isn't getting cleaned, what thoughts do you have about how we could approach this problem?' 'I have done a budget and if we want to buy a house we need to earn £x extra a month, what are your thoughts about how to address this?' Give him plenty of time to answer - if he doesn't know tell him to have a think and you will discuss it again in a few days. Be very very persistent and consistent with it, don't let anything go so that he learns he has to engage with you.

You could also try weekly planning meetings - ask him what day and time of the week would work and at the meetings discuss every aspect of your day to day lives and also include feelings and future goals. Ask him what needs to be done that week and write a list of jobs that you both write together and carve up the jobs between you (- ask him what would be a fair split bearing in mind you work. (if you don't get round to yours because of work that would be fine). At the moment you are emotionally and practically taking all the responsibility.

The other thought I had is that he may not just be lazy. He seems to have no problem doing tasks he enjoys such as cooking. He may have significant difficulties getting going with the other tasks. You need to ask him at the weekly meetings if he hasn't done his tasks for the week what's getting in the way and what suggestions does he have as to how to get the tasks done - what does he need etc. ithe main thing you are aiming for is to stop taking sole responsibility for the problem and assume good intentions on his part.

If he is gaming too much - talk to him about what the problem is and how does he suggest addressing this, does he need your help. Also use the weekly planning meetings for wider life goals and discussions about the week. Use it as an opportunity to share your feelings - how you feel tired, stressed, overly responsible for solving everything and so on.

Most of all good luck. Couples counselling might help as there is nothing like being observed to improve behaviour!

But UC covers most if not all of your rent? Is that correct?

As soon as he can drive he will have more opportunities.

PPs are right - he’ll be able to ignore a 6 month+ baby. Leave it lying on a baby blanket while he games. And you’ll come home to “oh the baby was such hard work so I haven’t cleaned or cooked or done any laundry or shopped.” You’ll be doing nights cos he has “got so tired in the day”+ you haven’t seen the baby so it’ll be best if you do nights… I can see it all coming.

Tell him that you understand it is hard to get going again but if he won’t motivate himself, you are going to keep kicking him up the derriere and hold him accountable by keeping an eye on his progress.

Create a new email address for him on gmail for him to do all his job applications from (make sure then you have both got it logged in on his phone and yours). Tell him that you want to:—

• draft his cv on day 1
• finalise his cv on day 2
• on day 3 visit all the major job websites and set up job alerts to go to the new email address for anything he could apply for
• research any jobs he can apply for right now. Tell him it doesn’t matter if the job is full time - apply for those too (wrap around exists for that reason!)

OP exactly what devices do you have in the house? If you have an iPad and you control the iTunes account, you can put time limits on when/how long the apps are available for each day. If you have a TV, you can take the remote control. For the gaming device, take the cables and controls.

He shouldn’t need them while you’re at work, should he? And the kids can do something other than watch Tv when they get home until you are back.

You can’t instil drive or ambition, it’s impossible to spoon feed this to anyone, but you can draw up your own boundaries and say enough is enough. The holiday is over. You get a job, and you start to properly contribute. Set times and days ( if you must) for gaming and he has to become a fully functioning adult.

He has to start pulling his weight and when he comes out with the string of expected excuses be ready for them. Set a deadline and stick to it.

None of this is good enough op.
Your much loved adopted mother clearly wanted so much more for you, do can this for her. Show yourself the same love and respect she had for you. Would she want you worked into the ground? In ten years time or less you will be a shell of yourself.

insist he gets a job after Christmas no ifs, no buts. There are no free passes in this world, and he is taking full advantage of your vulnerability, sadness and stressful situation. This has to stop now before it is too late.

How do TA jobs work with school pick up? I see this suggested all the time but they start before the children and finish after.

Obviously the issue here is that OP needs to talk to her DP and use childcare.