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Original poster

Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

340 replies

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 02:41

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

OP posts:
Petrasings · 15/12/2024 06:36

Calling this deadbeat a ‘stay at home’ parent is quite frankly an insult to all SAHP.

Gaming all day and loafing around not doing anything is not parenting at home or otherwise.

TheGoddessFreyja · 15/12/2024 18:40

bet he thanked his lucky stars when you got pregnant with number 3 🙄 another 5+ years not having to work. If it wasn't the pill that caused it I'd have said check the condoms for holes.

really feel for you OP. I do hope you've had a good chat with him and he's going to pull his finger out and find a job so you are able to spend time with your little one when they arrive, not rushing straight back into work. Time for him to pull his weight for his family.

jackstini · 15/12/2024 19:54

How has the conversation gone @Whattodo3094

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 16/12/2024 02:13

Hi to everyone who responded and gave advice! I appreciate it so so much, I honestly didn't expect the level of response or support I received.

(I'm not sure if this is the best way to do an update - if it isn't, please let me know, I'm new to the site)

So we had a really productive conversation today. I came in prepared for a fight but he immediately apologised for how he was acting the other day. He said it's hard knowing how much things are going to be changing when the baby gets here, and me going onto maternity leave etc. I think it's been stressing him out but where I've been going through so much personally, he hasn't wanted to bring his own concerns to me and add to it.

He said he is going to look for a job at the hospital and if that doesn't work, anything full time while I'm on maternity leave and then we can figure out childcare once I go back.

We didn't discuss careers or what he really wants to do because he immediately mentioned the hospital job, but it's something I'm going to bring up with him some time soon. I think it would be good for him to try to figure out what he really wants to do in the future.

I made sure to really push the point that him getting a job is absolutely needed. I'm not asking him to do it just because, but we obviously need him in work.

We had a long discussion about our finances. Where we are now, where we want to be in 5 years and how much we would need to save in order to get there. I have a really detailed spreadsheet already for our income and outgoings and savings etc so it was easy enough to put the figures in to show him exactly how we are going to be affected by my maternity leave. I also showed him how we could get to our goal which I think was really helpful. He knew I had the spreadsheet but hadn't actually looked at it because as I said, he leaves the finances to me.

I didn't really go into anything about housework or anything else because it just didn't seem the time for it. But it was a really positive discussion and I think we both came out of it feeling positive about the future.

I know alot of you have quite a negative view of him, and I do understand why. It's hard to relay how someone is as a person when it's only bits and pieces of info, especially where I came on here with a big complaint about him. But honestly, he really is a great person, parent and partner in so many ways.

Obviously this discussion doesn't mean things will change immediately but I've made myself clear about what we as a family need to be earning to get by during my maternity leave and he agreed with me. I think he just had his head stuck in the sand about our financial situation and like some of you suggested, felt overwhelmed by the idea of going back to work after not working for years.

When he gets his license in January, it will open up alot more opportunities for him to work and for us with arranging childcare so we are both looking forward to that.

Thank you again to everyone who responded to this. It was all very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Petrasings · 16/12/2024 02:30

Whattodo3094 · 16/12/2024 02:13

Hi to everyone who responded and gave advice! I appreciate it so so much, I honestly didn't expect the level of response or support I received.

(I'm not sure if this is the best way to do an update - if it isn't, please let me know, I'm new to the site)

So we had a really productive conversation today. I came in prepared for a fight but he immediately apologised for how he was acting the other day. He said it's hard knowing how much things are going to be changing when the baby gets here, and me going onto maternity leave etc. I think it's been stressing him out but where I've been going through so much personally, he hasn't wanted to bring his own concerns to me and add to it.

He said he is going to look for a job at the hospital and if that doesn't work, anything full time while I'm on maternity leave and then we can figure out childcare once I go back.

We didn't discuss careers or what he really wants to do because he immediately mentioned the hospital job, but it's something I'm going to bring up with him some time soon. I think it would be good for him to try to figure out what he really wants to do in the future.

I made sure to really push the point that him getting a job is absolutely needed. I'm not asking him to do it just because, but we obviously need him in work.

We had a long discussion about our finances. Where we are now, where we want to be in 5 years and how much we would need to save in order to get there. I have a really detailed spreadsheet already for our income and outgoings and savings etc so it was easy enough to put the figures in to show him exactly how we are going to be affected by my maternity leave. I also showed him how we could get to our goal which I think was really helpful. He knew I had the spreadsheet but hadn't actually looked at it because as I said, he leaves the finances to me.

I didn't really go into anything about housework or anything else because it just didn't seem the time for it. But it was a really positive discussion and I think we both came out of it feeling positive about the future.

I know alot of you have quite a negative view of him, and I do understand why. It's hard to relay how someone is as a person when it's only bits and pieces of info, especially where I came on here with a big complaint about him. But honestly, he really is a great person, parent and partner in so many ways.

Obviously this discussion doesn't mean things will change immediately but I've made myself clear about what we as a family need to be earning to get by during my maternity leave and he agreed with me. I think he just had his head stuck in the sand about our financial situation and like some of you suggested, felt overwhelmed by the idea of going back to work after not working for years.

When he gets his license in January, it will open up alot more opportunities for him to work and for us with arranging childcare so we are both looking forward to that.

Thank you again to everyone who responded to this. It was all very much appreciated.

You are a lovely person op and he is lucky to have you.

This does read that he will get a temp job whilst you are on maternity leave, and then he will go back gI his life of loafing and gaming. You need to be crystal clear, he has to work - long term. He needs to contribute and be a responsible father.

i do not view him as great - at all, but he has an opportunity to be a great father and role model now and I hope he steps up for you all.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 16/12/2024 02:45

Petrasings · 16/12/2024 02:30

You are a lovely person op and he is lucky to have you.

This does read that he will get a temp job whilst you are on maternity leave, and then he will go back gI his life of loafing and gaming. You need to be crystal clear, he has to work - long term. He needs to contribute and be a responsible father.

i do not view him as great - at all, but he has an opportunity to be a great father and role model now and I hope he steps up for you all.

Show quote history

Based on our longer term financial goals, he seemed excited to be working towards it. I think knowing more about our finances and what it will take to get where we want to be has really put it into perspective for him.

We do really want to buy our own place and to be financially stable for our children and he's aware we can't do that on one wage.

OP posts:
HoundsOfHelfire · 16/12/2024 03:49

Return part time with the higher hourly wage. Stand firm that he needs to get a part time job at least.

what does he do for a living? There’s lots of part time work out there if he looks. Agency care work, TA, shop work, gardening

HoundsOfHelfire · 16/12/2024 04:08

Sorry I’ve read all your posts now and still maintain that you need to tell him you will be part time and spending time with your child. You are disappointed he failed to get a job while you were on maternity leave and have no patience for the argument about you having a degree as lots of people are successful without one. Sit with him and book a Morrisby test and appointment which will provide online careers advice.

BananaSpanner · 16/12/2024 05:20

Whattodo3094 · 16/12/2024 02:13

Hi to everyone who responded and gave advice! I appreciate it so so much, I honestly didn't expect the level of response or support I received.

(I'm not sure if this is the best way to do an update - if it isn't, please let me know, I'm new to the site)

So we had a really productive conversation today. I came in prepared for a fight but he immediately apologised for how he was acting the other day. He said it's hard knowing how much things are going to be changing when the baby gets here, and me going onto maternity leave etc. I think it's been stressing him out but where I've been going through so much personally, he hasn't wanted to bring his own concerns to me and add to it.

He said he is going to look for a job at the hospital and if that doesn't work, anything full time while I'm on maternity leave and then we can figure out childcare once I go back.

We didn't discuss careers or what he really wants to do because he immediately mentioned the hospital job, but it's something I'm going to bring up with him some time soon. I think it would be good for him to try to figure out what he really wants to do in the future.

I made sure to really push the point that him getting a job is absolutely needed. I'm not asking him to do it just because, but we obviously need him in work.

We had a long discussion about our finances. Where we are now, where we want to be in 5 years and how much we would need to save in order to get there. I have a really detailed spreadsheet already for our income and outgoings and savings etc so it was easy enough to put the figures in to show him exactly how we are going to be affected by my maternity leave. I also showed him how we could get to our goal which I think was really helpful. He knew I had the spreadsheet but hadn't actually looked at it because as I said, he leaves the finances to me.

I didn't really go into anything about housework or anything else because it just didn't seem the time for it. But it was a really positive discussion and I think we both came out of it feeling positive about the future.

I know alot of you have quite a negative view of him, and I do understand why. It's hard to relay how someone is as a person when it's only bits and pieces of info, especially where I came on here with a big complaint about him. But honestly, he really is a great person, parent and partner in so many ways.

Obviously this discussion doesn't mean things will change immediately but I've made myself clear about what we as a family need to be earning to get by during my maternity leave and he agreed with me. I think he just had his head stuck in the sand about our financial situation and like some of you suggested, felt overwhelmed by the idea of going back to work after not working for years.

When he gets his license in January, it will open up alot more opportunities for him to work and for us with arranging childcare so we are both looking forward to that.

Thank you again to everyone who responded to this. It was all very much appreciated.

It sounds like a good update but I’m concerned that talk is cheap and he’s effectively bought himself a bit more time getting you off his back for a bit.
Hopefully he means every word and is employed by the time your mat leave is underway.

Scarydinosaurs · 16/12/2024 06:52

Good luck, OP!

FiftyPenceWorth · 16/12/2024 07:03

You've handled this beautifully, well done OP. Now he needs to get off his arse and actively DO something. What does 'look for a job at the hospital' mean? Is he going to see an old boss today? Or will he fanny about with his CV a bit and then let it drift because 'it's nearly Christmas'/ 'nobody's hiring in January'?

Sorry to rain on your parade when you're feeling positive after yesterday. However, I'm related to a lovely but lazy person and I've heard it all before. The excuses and bullshit are exhausting and infuriating. He needs to have some actual progress to report very soon, otherwise it's clearly just been a load of blah, blah, blah to get you off his back.

Hazylazydays · 16/12/2024 08:48

Hi OP that’s excellent positive news and obviously you know your partner much better than us posters on here.
I’m sorry the first two replies are so negative but that’s Mumsnet for you 🙄
Wishing you all the best moving forward, I hope he can find a suitable job very soon, and you can work together to achieve your goal.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 16/12/2024 09:11

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 11:11

I think his solution is that I do take on more hours. He wants me working full time with the intention of looking after the baby himself.

Show quote history

I wouldn't trust someone who's lazy and sees being a SAHP as the easy option to properly care for a baby of toddled.
Eta: I hope for all your sakes that he's being genuine and will get off his arse and make a real contribution to your family.

Opentooffers · 16/12/2024 09:44

I think given his lack of qualifications but experience in a hospital setting ( while, understandably not wanting care work again) looking for a job as a porter could be ideal for him, or if he's OK with computer data, perhaps a receptionist/secretary. Lots of admin jobs within a hospital and maybe his keyboard skills are quite good being a gamer.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 16/12/2024 10:02

That he’s prepared to apply for jobs is a big first step. Glad it was a relatively easy conversation in the end.

lqtwr on you could suggest things like a TA or preschool worker that would mean he has holiday off, but for now getting him back into the work force is the most important thing. From that he can apply for other jobs.

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