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Original poster

Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

340 replies

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 02:41

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

OP posts:
2025istheyear · 14/12/2024 06:53

@TwixForTea not sure this advice would be acceptable in most marriages.

Tallyrand · 14/12/2024 06:55

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 06:35

I think I've been waking up to it over the last 2 years. I've honestly had too much to deal with until now but I've definitely reached a point where I can and will be focusing on getting this resolved.

My adopted mum held the same views (shouldn't leave the baby with him, he should be working to provide for us, what's wrong with him that he doesn't want to do that) - so it's something I've considered before. I know I'll be home with the baby until August regardless and I know my nursery space will be available from November, so I will just need to figure something out for that period in between.

Honestly, he was my first "real boyfriend" and I let alot of things slide early on which laid a shit groundwork for myself. I'm been clawing back ever since it seems.

I'm done now though. It's been 13 years. Things have always shifted in terms of house hold duties, who was working, the addition of kids, but his laziness has always been a factor.

I don't know how to instill drive and ambition into someone but he needs to figure it out.

Show quote history

OP it sounds like there is already a lot of resentment there, and I can see why.

You were the SAHP until the kids were in school, he then switched roles with you because at that point the routine was "easier" by then. Just an added perk it gave him an extra 4 or 5 hours a day to himself.

I may have this wrong but it sounds like you currently have an 8YO and a 5YO. A new baby is going to throw everything into disarray for at least a year or two. Night feeds and changing, sickness bugs, how the new baby slots in with the older kids routine etc.

Don't be surprised if you get caught up in doing way more than your fair share even when you are back to work.

I think that will only lead to further resentment and relationship issues.

Godlovesall26 · 14/12/2024 06:59

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 06:27

Thank you 💕 it's been a really tough year. I was really close with my adopted mum, she was more like my best friend really.

It's awful to be dealing with the loss but a relief to know she isn't suffering anymore. A mixture of emotions that I'm sure will keep me up and down for a good while!

Show quote history

Photo albums have helped me in ways. In addition to quotes and memories (I’m not in a creative field at all but I have quite a few poems and songs related to him… it kid of depends what works for you - my half sister likes clay and she makes pottery etc and paints on it, we all do types of dance (slightly less at 30s!)) - and mostly (hence saying ignore my username), values : that I hope to be able to share with my LO one day, and in the meantime do so with close circles. It can take time but you’ll get there ❤️ you sound so resilient already ❤️

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 07:00

Godlovesall26 · 14/12/2024 06:47

Apologies as I get a bit behind with your replies (given a LO who seems to like waking up :) just for the sake of it it seems sometimes😅, definitely fed etc 😭) but do you think he actually wants a ‘career’ ? Does he have siblings etc doing very well financially and doesn’t feel like he can ‘catch up’ ? That would knock confidence for a lot of people and to be fair lot for men (then again he chose this also, hence suggesting school roles as PP mentioned) - but at the end of the day our responsibility is to provide, your last paragraph sums it up really, does a career really matter ? I wish I could stay home longer and my ‘career’ will likely be different but bills need to be paid, you just cannot be lazy with 3 ( or 1, or however many…). I’d say you’d really need to further evaluate his views on this.
What do his family think, if in the picture ?

Show quote history

He has multiple siblings in very good jobs. They always knew from quite young ages what they wanted to do for a living so their parents helped push them in that direction.

My partner never really knew so they didn't really do anything to push him towards a career or anything. He has quite a strained relationship with his parents because it has always seemed like they didn't really care about him and after being with him for 13 years, I can definitely see that they treat him differently than they do his siblings.

Another reason I am so understanding with him.

OP posts:
2025istheyear · 14/12/2024 07:00

It is hard to know how much he is entrenched in a benefit trap mindset without knowing their financial figures.

From what I have read OP just wants her partner to work part time to top up their spending//fun money most. If I understand it correctly most of their families financial stability comes from UC and their rent being paid by benefits.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 07:04

Owly11 · 14/12/2024 06:49

I think you should start speaking a lot more from the 'we' voice - 'the house isn't getting cleaned, what thoughts do you have about how we could approach this problem?' 'I have done a budget and if we want to buy a house we need to earn £x extra a month, what are your thoughts about how to address this?' Give him plenty of time to answer - if he doesn't know tell him to have a think and you will discuss it again in a few days. Be very very persistent and consistent with it, don't let anything go so that he learns he has to engage with you.

You could also try weekly planning meetings - ask him what day and time of the week would work and at the meetings discuss every aspect of your day to day lives and also include feelings and future goals. Ask him what needs to be done that week and write a list of jobs that you both write together and carve up the jobs between you (- ask him what would be a fair split bearing in mind you work. (if you don't get round to yours because of work that would be fine). At the moment you are emotionally and practically taking all the responsibility.

The other thought I had is that he may not just be lazy. He seems to have no problem doing tasks he enjoys such as cooking. He may have significant difficulties getting going with the other tasks. You need to ask him at the weekly meetings if he hasn't done his tasks for the week what's getting in the way and what suggestions does he have as to how to get the tasks done - what does he need etc. ithe main thing you are aiming for is to stop taking sole responsibility for the problem and assume good intentions on his part.

If he is gaming too much - talk to him about what the problem is and how does he suggest addressing this, does he need your help. Also use the weekly planning meetings for wider life goals and discussions about the week. Use it as an opportunity to share your feelings - how you feel tired, stressed, overly responsible for solving everything and so on.

Most of all good luck. Couples counselling might help as there is nothing like being observed to improve behaviour!

I love all of this advice!

I looked into couples therapy a few years ago but just can't afford it tbh.

OP posts:
Tel12 · 14/12/2024 07:04

He wants you back at work as soon as possible as you being at home will interfere with his routine which I'm guessing is gaming and not much else. He's not suddenly going to get a work ethic. Perhaps you need to keep a tighter control of the money so that he's motivated by financial need? You say he's great, but only on his terms.

MsNik · 14/12/2024 07:07

He's a child. I can't believe I'm reading a post about a man with 2 kids, soon to be 3, who is a "gamer" therefore won't do what's necessary during the day because he's playing?
He won't work, won't learn to drive, won't even manage basic household tasks, is expecting you to cut your maternity leave my 50% so he continues to be housed and fed.
His laziness isn't just a character flaw on him, he's telling you he doesn't care enough about you, or his family, to step up and do what is needed.
You're not 17 anymore OP but it sounds as though he is.
Kick this useless manchild to the kerb.
I can't believe what I'm reading here.

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 07:09

He doesn’t want ops maternity leave to interfere with his 5 hours of daily gaming. He does his set jobs in 29 minutes and settles in for the day, it’s really despicable and would be a total dealbreaker for 99.9 % of the country.

permanently · 14/12/2024 07:10

MsNik I agree with everything you have just written. I am pretty speechless OP TBH!!

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 07:12

Tallyrand · 14/12/2024 06:55

OP it sounds like there is already a lot of resentment there, and I can see why.

You were the SAHP until the kids were in school, he then switched roles with you because at that point the routine was "easier" by then. Just an added perk it gave him an extra 4 or 5 hours a day to himself.

I may have this wrong but it sounds like you currently have an 8YO and a 5YO. A new baby is going to throw everything into disarray for at least a year or two. Night feeds and changing, sickness bugs, how the new baby slots in with the older kids routine etc.

Don't be surprised if you get caught up in doing way more than your fair share even when you are back to work.

I think that will only lead to further resentment and relationship issues.

Show quote history

The first year of him being the sahp was probably hard for him. Our youngest was in nursery for a half day. So he'd walk to drop off both in the morning, have 2 hours at home, go get our youngest then go back again to pick up our oldest. So he was walking to and from school 3 times a day which is quite a distance.

He was always helpful with feeding, changing and looking after our babies but he has never done nights. I can definitely see him using the baby as an excuse for not getting anything done in the house.

There is resentment and I do feel it getting worse. I think it's why I have reached this point as well though. I know things need to change.

OP posts:
ThatsCute · 14/12/2024 07:13
  1. There is 100% probability that he is gaming 5 hours every day. Knowing what I know about gamers, and the fact that the house is a mess points to this. You cannot properly care for/stimulate a baby/go to baby groups for the baby’s enrichment if your focus is gaming.
  2. He seems awfully dismissive about “I’ll never find the work hours I want to work around the family.” Really? Is he actively applying for / interviewing for jobs? How does he know this as fact?
  3. What is his retirement plan? As your boyfriend, he is entitled to 0% if your pension. Is he expecting you to fund him for the rest of his life?
  4. The fact that he never looked for jobs, as agreed, once your youngest started school, speaks VOLUMES. He is showing you who he is as a partner/provider/hustler. BELIEVE HIM.
  5. Your mum gave you some advice/observations about him before she passed. BELIEVE HER.
Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 07:16

2025istheyear · 14/12/2024 06:49

But UC covers most if not all of your rent? Is that correct?

As soon as he can drive he will have more opportunities.

Show quote history

Our UC definitely doesn't even come close to covering out rent. It's a couple hundred and our rent is £1150.

I do look forward to him having his license. It would open up way more jobs he could apply for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 07:18

2025istheyear · 14/12/2024 07:00

It is hard to know how much he is entrenched in a benefit trap mindset without knowing their financial figures.

From what I have read OP just wants her partner to work part time to top up their spending//fun money most. If I understand it correctly most of their families financial stability comes from UC and their rent being paid by benefits.

Edited

Yeah no. I want him to get a job so we can continue to afford to live and hopefully save.

OP posts:
TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 14/12/2024 07:19

TwixForTea · 14/12/2024 06:50

PPs are right - he’ll be able to ignore a 6 month+ baby. Leave it lying on a baby blanket while he games. And you’ll come home to “oh the baby was such hard work so I haven’t cleaned or cooked or done any laundry or shopped.” You’ll be doing nights cos he has “got so tired in the day”+ you haven’t seen the baby so it’ll be best if you do nights… I can see it all coming.

Tell him that you understand it is hard to get going again but if he won’t motivate himself, you are going to keep kicking him up the derriere and hold him accountable by keeping an eye on his progress.

Create a new email address for him on gmail for him to do all his job applications from (make sure then you have both got it logged in on his phone and yours). Tell him that you want to:—

  • draft his cv on day 1
  • finalise his cv on day 2
  • on day 3 visit all the major job websites and set up job alerts to go to the new email address for anything he could apply for
  • research any jobs he can apply for right now. Tell him it doesn’t matter if the job is full time - apply for those too (wrap around exists for that reason!)

OP exactly what devices do you have in the house? If you have an iPad and you control the iTunes account, you can put time limits on when/how long the apps are available for each day. If you have a TV, you can take the remote control. For the gaming device, take the cables and controls.

He shouldn’t need them while you’re at work, should he? And the kids can do something other than watch Tv when they get home until you are back.

If it gets to this, what is the point?!

Can one even respect or desire him when you have to bring in these measures?

I'd gracefully just tap out.

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 07:21

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 14/12/2024 07:19

If it gets to this, what is the point?!

Can one even respect or desire him when you have to bring in these measures?

I'd gracefully just tap out.

Show quote history

Yeah I would never want to get to this point of control. It would feel worse than "parenting" him which is what it already feels like sometimes. It's not something I should have to do nor something I will ever do.

He needs to do this himself.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 14/12/2024 07:22

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 04:25

You're right that I won't leave him over this. I wish I could sometimes. If he was a worse partner or a terrible dad, it would make it easier to just say I'm done with this. But he's not. Other than his sheer laziness, he's honestly great and I am aggravatingly aware that I can't change his laziness.

I will definitely try to list out my options and ask for his though. That seems a good place to start.

Show quote history

But his laziness also makes him very selfish. He discouraged you from taking your full maternity leave entitlement, saying that it would change the way your employer thought about you as an employee. That is a horrible thing to say and do, to try and reduce your time at home with your new baby.

When he was working, it was fine for him to be part-time but now the shoe is on the other foot, he expects you to work full time. I assume that his laziness made him a poor employee, which was probably picked up on by his employers, which may be another reason why he doesn't want to work.

Does he admit to being lazy?

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 07:23

ThatsCute · 14/12/2024 07:13

  1. There is 100% probability that he is gaming 5 hours every day. Knowing what I know about gamers, and the fact that the house is a mess points to this. You cannot properly care for/stimulate a baby/go to baby groups for the baby’s enrichment if your focus is gaming.
  2. He seems awfully dismissive about “I’ll never find the work hours I want to work around the family.” Really? Is he actively applying for / interviewing for jobs? How does he know this as fact?
  3. What is his retirement plan? As your boyfriend, he is entitled to 0% if your pension. Is he expecting you to fund him for the rest of his life?
  4. The fact that he never looked for jobs, as agreed, once your youngest started school, speaks VOLUMES. He is showing you who he is as a partner/provider/hustler. BELIEVE HIM.
  5. Your mum gave you some advice/observations about him before she passed. BELIEVE HER.

I don't know about his long term plans at all. Any time it comes up it's very much "I don't know" and that's about it.

Something we will be discussing today.

OP posts:
babyproblems · 14/12/2024 07:24

Complicated but my main takeaway was actually he’s not a good partner. You mention your mental health.. I get the impression from afar you maybe have low self esteem. I think you deserve a better partner and that he should be working or doing a good job at home.. sounds like he’s doing neither and also putting unfair pressure on you. x

babyproblems · 14/12/2024 07:25

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 07:23

I don't know about his long term plans at all. Any time it comes up it's very much "I don't know" and that's about it.

Something we will be discussing today.

Show quote history

The fact he has no pension plan alone or plans in place for your family as a future shows he is a crappy partner!

2025istheyear · 14/12/2024 07:25

But on maternity leave and when you go part time how much will UC increase? This is what your DP is relying on. He does not want to enhance his family financial stability or work towards financial milestones like buying a house because he is happy for you to take on the work burden, UC to pick up the slack and the children to suffer because money will be very tight with no leisure money. Children get more expensive as they grow up too.

You sound like you are on a decent wage and have a good career. Your DP sounds like he feels working for far less than you and his siblings is beneath him? He needs to pick a career and train for it.

This is going to be very tough for you to navigate.

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 07:26

Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 07:23

I don't know about his long term plans at all. Any time it comes up it's very much "I don't know" and that's about it.

Something we will be discussing today.

Show quote history

He does know his long term plan - it’s to sponge from you and game for hours on end every day. That is it.

i think you need to accept what he has become. Look at him through our eyes op. Loafing around gaming all day - he isn’t a SAHD as the children are in school! He is a loser and a cocklodger. His parents have very little respect for him for good reason.

2025istheyear · 14/12/2024 07:29

Break down your financials for us when you go part time let us comprehend your budget to see the full extent of what you will face financially. Income/UC/ versus outgoings.

From what I have read you have savings and no debt is this correct?

How much is a house in your area? Is this your first financial goal?

Original poster
Whattodo3094 · 14/12/2024 07:30

Petrasings · 14/12/2024 06:53

You can’t instil drive or ambition, it’s impossible to spoon feed this to anyone, but you can draw up your own boundaries and say enough is enough. The holiday is over. You get a job, and you start to properly contribute. Set times and days ( if you must) for gaming and he has to become a fully functioning adult.

He has to start pulling his weight and when he comes out with the string of expected excuses be ready for them. Set a deadline and stick to it.

None of this is good enough op.
Your much loved adopted mother clearly wanted so much more for you, do can this for her. Show yourself the same love and respect she had for you. Would she want you worked into the ground? In ten years time or less you will be a shell of yourself.

insist he gets a job after Christmas no ifs, no buts. There are no free passes in this world, and he is taking full advantage of your vulnerability, sadness and stressful situation. This has to stop now before it is too late.

I completely agree. Boundaries are going to drawn. I plan to discuss all of this today.

I appreciate all the advice I've had on here. It's not like I haven't had alot of these thoughts myself but seeing it all in one place, everyone being supportive, It's just cemented it all into place.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 14/12/2024 07:30

Ugh, I think laziness is the worst quality in a partner. I could not be with someone lazy and it would trump all the other lovely qualities for me.

I would tell him the above and ignore the defensiveness, moodiness etc. He's 30 fucking years old, he has 38 years of work ahead of him. He must find a job he can do forever.

At the moment you're relying on top up benefits, that's going to end at some point and you need a plan by then.

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