Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

[Whattodo3094]

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

He's straying into Cocklodger territory. Can you invest in some joint counselling to reset your expectations of the relationship with each other?

He needs to think of the long term. What is he going to do once he is out of the workplace for 5-15 years? What about a pension?

@Whattodo3094 OP, you sound lovely and it is clear that you have worked hard to get to where you are now, but you have a massive blind spot when it comes to both your partner and your family’s financial security.

Your six months of maternity leave is actually a really good opportunity for your DP to be flinging himself full-pelt into the job market. He could sign up to agencies, apply for jobs, take a forklift driver qualification…

Looking at the bigger picture, you are one redundancy or tenancy notice away from being in a dire financial situation. Would you pass the affordability tests for a new tenancy? Would you be accepted by a new landlord with three children and a reliance on UC? Do you have enough savings to pay a new deposit and rent in advance?

You are a graduate and in a good role right now, but don’t have any kind of professional qualifications or licensed status. The world of work is changing around us, the economy is dicey and unfortunately administration roles are the first to be cut in any kind of restructuring situation. You will look around at your lovely colleagues and kind manager, thinking ‘Oh that would never happen’, but it can and it will.

I strongly encourage you to look around and see if you can enhance your own qualifications. Can you take a course during your maternity leave? What kind of training could you do via your employer?

Good luck and enjoy your new baby, but please do so with both eyes open.

I think coping during maternity leave is the least of your problems, he doesn't sound like he is planning on returning to work ever.

UC will be ok for a few years, but I think they will make it very difficult for him the older your children are and he's likely to get sanctioned and no be allowed to claim once the baby is at school.

That's going to put enormous pressure on you as the solo adult working, children are expensive (as you know!) and they need to be clothed and fed and have a reasonable quality of life.

I think you are going to have to support your partner wean himself off his nice easy life of gaming while the kids are in school & get his shit together.

I personally don't think women should have to parent their partners like this, but it sounds like you have a lovely family and if you can all stay together it will be worth it.

If providing a decent Christmas/standard of living for his children isn't enough to motivate him off his backside, I doubt a stern talking to is going to do much.

The OP has had screeds of advice gently suggesting that she's WAY more up against it than she accepts (he doesn't drive, he doesn't work/want to work, he refuses to do domestic chores). Maybe she'll be able to revisit the thread in a few months time (when he's doubled down on his bone idleness) and utilise some of the advice given then.

OP I have read all your posts and obviously you are not being unreasonable to need him to work with you as a team and pull his weight financially. Loads of things he could do there, a 6m temp job seems like the first step!

But I wondered if your employer has a thing called an "employee assistance programme"? These usually provide counseling sessions for employees and members of their family, free. I feel like your partner could benefit from some counseling. A lot of his issues seem to stem from negative thinking, so support to change that could be useful, and I think you are too close to him to be able to help with this. And I know you've said you can't afford counseling privately (understandable).

No different to the many SAHM’s who don’t want to go back to work after kids and expect their partners to support them.

Are you envious of women for whom their partners earn enough for them not to work? I can't imagine why you'd otherwise even care (enough to assume that 'many' non working Mums are akin to the OP's partner).
When you're happy with your own lot in life, you don't notice/care how the 'many' others are living theirs.

I've no issue with anyone being a SAHP (male or female) provided both parties are in agreement and it's working well for the family.

You were in agreement for a few years, but it sounds like that agreement was running out, even before you found out about the new baby. And in any case, it didn't work 100% because he didn't do his share around the house.

Sounds like your DH never pursued a career and was happy to settle in the role of SAHP. He wasn't too crazy about his job but lacked the motivation or ambition to seek out any alternative. So he drifted into a caring role. As the DC got older, he continued to bury his head in the sand when it came to finding work. He didn't take any steps towards returning to education or finding work. The new baby has brought things to a head and it's make or break time for him. Either he steps up to the plate, or he refuses to do so, and that may well have serious consequences for your relationship.

I think the family goals conversation, as suggested by a pp, is a good approach. But you need to be very firm that come what may, you will be going part-time. So he has X months to find a job and start contributing to the family finances. The deadline might help to focus his mind.

Is this what you want for your life? For your kids' life? I'm sure he realises you're not going to leave him, and he's right, so I doubt there's anything you can do.

Just remember this is the relationship you're modelling for your children.

It sounds like you've grown apart - not surprising if you've been together since your teens. It turns out you're an ambitious person who wants to work and have a family, he's lazy and unambitious.

Most will be cleaning and doing household jobs, laundry, taking children to activities and cooking from scratch. They will be investing into the home and children. Taking almost all the house and children responsibilities.

This man is doing very little at home. Op describes someone that is barely doing anything! It really is not comparable. If he was working extremely hard I doubt op would have an issue.

@SoozyWoozy5

Yes I agree. Lots of women never go back to work & it’s frowned upon to question what on earth they do all day.

I think OP would be ok with the set up if DH pulled his weight around the house. It seems she still has to think about cleaning & keeping the house tidy which just isn't fair.

I was just about to say this myself, and I agree, it’s a partnership and he isn’t playing his part at all.
He needs to step up and support his family financially and play a part in creating a financially stable home for his children in the future.
The fact is he can get a job, it may be a job he feels is beneath him,but plenty of people do jobs they don’t enjoy because they know you have to work to live, it’s a fact of life and he’s no different to anyone else.

I don’t believe for one minute that once children are in full time school that stay at home mums are busy all day. It’s no good pretending that they are.
But if they have a supportive partner earring a living wage with no benefits then fair dos to them, just enjoy it.

I imagine they work hard in a different way. I have never known a woman who is sat around gaming every day! It’s unheard of. There might be the odd exception there always is, but most work hard to look after their growing families, and do most of the grunt work.

Aside from everything else, I wouldn’t want to leave my baby with someone who games all day, and I’d guarantee that he games all day while the kids are at school.

He needs to get some shifts at the hospital, especially because of your maternity leave. You should then have the option of going part-time, if that’s what you want to do.

Is he a stoner? I am picking up a stoner who has been smoking from a young age and this saps all drive. Speaking from experience of dating a Peter Pan Stoner. You don't change them ever, you really need to consider leaving.

No, he doesn't smoke or drink at all

If a man made the unilateral
decision to go part time, expecting his sahm wife to get a job, I doubt the comments would be the same.

she needs to address his lack of housekeeping rather than going part time so she can do it. She’s just taking on more responsibilities and putting their finances in danger- he can’t be forced to work.

the other options are pay for a cleaner, or cut the dead weight free. But it doesn’t sound like he’s a complete dead weight.

Have you spoke with him yet OP?

I don't know how you'd find such a lazy twat attractive!

Men don't give birth. It's different.

But there is no need for comparisons anyway, it's this specific situation the OP has asked about.

He could most likely go on to the bank as a HCA in the hospital that he used to work in. Most do 'twilight shifts' 18:00 - 00:00. Or he could work nights, come home, take the kids to school then sleep when they are in school, wake up and pick them up from school.

I don’t know any man that is pregnant for nine months plus which is exhausting and draining, endure labour and then be up all night every night for months/years on end feeding the baby, and the exhaustion of the early years and the toll it takes. A man does not create life inside him.

The experiences of bringing shared children into the world could not be more different! Clearly women do 99.8% amd it is incomparable. At every level it is incomparable.

My body has never fully recovered, nor have I ever fully got over the exhaustion even now.

So yes a man absolutely needs to step up and work/ contribute, especially now. He has done nothing so far but orgasm and ejaculate!

He should be jumping out of bed and getting a job, and fully stepping up. He is an absolute dead weight. And he will drag op down eventually.

She is going to realise far too late the consequences for not forcing the issue. Yes she can make him work. She can say it’s a job or the door, which one are you going to take and mean it.

OP's employer has offered her a higher paid job which is currently only available part-time. She will be earning pretty much the same as she is paid for her current full time job and she would increase her hours if they became available.

OP's DH is telling her not to take her full maternity leave entitlement because 'her employer will think less of her'.

She can't afford to pay for a cleaner and why you would suggest that she does this to allow him to carry on gaming all day is baffling. He is a SAHD who has never done any night wakings with the children. He sounds very much like a dead weight to me.