Partner is a stay at home dad and annoyed I am going back to work part time after having our third because I am sole earner

[Whattodo3094]

I (F30) was a stay at home mum when me and my boyfriend (M30) had our first 2 children (D7 and D5). My partner worked, mostly part time, but he supported us. When our second (D5) turned 2 I happened to see a job opening in a place I had always wanted to work so applied and got it. It was full time and D5 was still 2 so in nursery part time so to avoid all the extra fees and everything else, my partner became a stay at home dad. I had no issue with this at all, it honestly felt fair and I was happy he'd get to spend more time with our girls.

He had all these ideas about how he would be so proactive in the house and with our kids when being a stay at home dad but for the most part that hasn't really been the reality. Don't get me wrong, he cooks everyday, he cleans..sometimes, he does school runs etc, but he has 5 hours a day when the kids are in school when he could be sorting the house out and he just doesn't. I have to be on him constantly to be doing things in the house. But anyway.

We are now having a third. He's been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and I have been supporting us working full time and none of it has really been a problem. When D5 started school full time I mentioned him going back to work part time but any time it is brought up, he insists it would be really hard to find something that would work around school times. To be fair, he doesn't drive and I can't do school runs because of my job, but he hasn't exactly looked. Other parents manage to work around their kids school hours..

Since getting pregnant, I mentioned wanting to go back part time so I can spend more time with the baby. He already insisted that taking off the year of maternity I'm entitled to would be a bad decision because of how it would make my work view me as an employee or whatever - honestly I love my job and didn't want to take a year anyway. My plan was 6 months and then go back part time. He's annoyed about the going back part time because it'll obviously affect us financially but he still refuses to even consider getting a job! He says that he doubts he'd find something for the days I'd be off work and still thinks it would be hard to find something that works around school times other wise.

I'm honestly just so frustrated with the whole situation. He wants me to take the 6 months and then go back to work full time but I just think I might struggle not having any transition period considering I had 2 years at home with our last and that's already being cut down to 6 months!

My work also said that I had 2 options when going back. Full time in the same position with slightly more responsibility for slightly more pay, or part time with higher responsibility and higher hourly wage (but obvs will still work out less money overall). I thought the higher paid part time option was perfect and went with that because it's exactly what I wanted. But he's now just annoyed with me. I don't even know what to say at this point.

He honestly is an amazing partner in so many ways. I have massively struggled with my mental health over the last few years (hormonal issues, things coming up from my past, depression, I recently lost my adopted mum after a horrible fight with cancer) and he has been my absolute rock. So supportive and always there for me in every way that I need. I think it's why I am so annoyed at this whole situation. He's being unreasonable and it seems to be that he just doesn't want to work. But did he think he'd never have to go back to work? If we hadn't gotten pregnant again, did he think he'd be a stay at home dad until they were in secondary school?! I just don't get the mentality.

Honestly, any advice would be appreciated. I don't even know what I'm looking for, just to be heard I guess.

If you don’t push him on this you’ll be back in November 25 resenting him and asking about splitting up and you not wanting to be separated from the kids cos he’s threatening to take them and claim CM as the main care giver.

I think being at work has made me more confident in myself and more proactive. I've only been working properly for 3 years, only ever did cleaning jobs before that so very part time.

I feel I've made so much progress with myself and it does frustrate me that he hasn't done the same. He's definitely matured and grown in some ways but the laziness is such a killer.

Is that something he could realistically do without an income though?

Yes cos you’ll be paying him and he’ll get UC and Child benefit as his top ups as a single parent. He’ll get that for a few years only though as UC will tell him to look for work

I mean, our children call him our chef because he does all of the cooking. He definitely doesn't do nothing in the house, just not nearly enough.

But I definitely agree. I wouldn't want them to accept this situation with a partner for themselves.

That's a scary thought. It's not something I think he'd ever do, but I guess no-one thinks their partner would do that to them until it happens.

That's actually massive progress for you so well done.
Now that you've found your voice and also confidence to post here it shows you can see something isn't right and it may actually start shifting your view of his 'greatness'.

The questions you put to him were spot on and he couldn't answer because he'd have to admit that he's just a lazy git.

I tried for a long time, I wrote letters, I found a career coach to help my EXH, pinned family goals on boards around the house, talked, got a cleaner, etc etc. None of it really helped.
He made the assumption that my desire to present a happy picture to the outside world and not break up the family meant I would stay.
For the record I'm not suggesging you leave but nothing changes of nothing changes.

I have always focused on my career and earned significantly more than him so worked toward a position to support myself and children. Not easy but worth it for the peace of mind.

Hmm
I think you really need to look at this another way. He will be saving you loads on childcare costs especially for a baby.
Also, he may be depressed. It happens to housewives and sounds similar. He doesn't seem like he meets up and socialises throughout the day. So being at home can be frustrating. Resulting in a negative loop as lack of motivation and so not wanting to find a job.

Maybe he can start a remote job.

But if the shoe was on the other foot, I am sure alot of us would be more sympathetic to the situation.

I thought that too when I split from my ex he got nasty real quick thankfully only one child was his and the courts frowned on separating them.

please be aware of this.

I would of said go to therapy but I think it wouldn’t work because he thinks you’ll stay and he can do pretty much what he wants

you’ll have find your line in the sand

‘dp’ is a lazy, work shy waste of space and he intends to spend the rest of his life sponging from you. Organise before and after school care like everyone else and give him a month to find a full time job. You are being an absolute mug op.

On here this type of man is called a cocknlodger snd you are saddled with one.

I do think he was struggling mentally for a while but last year he got into Warhammer and has now been socialising a couple times a week in the evenings. He definitely seems happier in himself since then and honestly I am happy for him too.

He's definitely saving us money on childcare costs which is why I didn't kick up so much of a fuss before, but now that we will have another baby and I actually want to spend time with the baby, I'm just aware that he'll need to pick up the slack while I can't at the very least.

I've mentioned remote jobs but it always comes back to "you have the degree, what work could I even get, I'd probably hate that work" blah blah

I knew the more you drip fed there was probably gaming involved.

My brother is expecting his first child, every spare minute of his day is currently taken up with gaming (PC and Xbox, sometimes at the same time!). I'm trying to have the gentle chats with him now this isn't acceptable so that it isn't a surprise when he needs to step up later. He has had multiple relationship breakdowns because of his gaming, as I would class it as addictive laziness. My BIL is the exact same, never attends any family events or sunday dinners because "he's too tired". Reality is he knows his partner and kids are out the house for 3 or 4 hours so he can game in peace.

Let me save you the suspense, OP, but your husband is never going to want to work. There will always be some critical reason why not, the kids need taken to nursery/school, activities in the evening, oh we have a birthday party to go to next month. Then when the kids are teenagers or flown the nest, your husband will think this is now his "me time" and keep doing what he's always done.

While you will still be the mug out grafting and providing for your 4 kids (yes, that's what you will effectively have).

There's hope if you change it now. But if you don't then buckle in for another 20 or 30 years of this.

I just don’t understand anyone in a relationship who doesn’t pull their weight, doesn’t work or doesn’t want to work and who would leave themselves financially dependent on someone else.

when we had our children I knew I couldn’t go back to the job I was doing however I got a part time job in the evening in hospitality in a bar;/restaurant which meant I was at home for school drop offs and pick ups and I went to work in the evening when dh was at home. I worked 2/3 evenings a week. Which gave us both time at home with our children and both money too.

I have a cousin who is a SAHM. Her children are 12 and 7 so at school. They go to school by themselves so no morning school run to contend with.
Shes been threatening to find a job for 2-3 years now. Their home is a mess 24/7 (kids big enough to help out) and she rarely cooks but spends ample time on social media and searching for holidays.

She isn't depressed and I tell her regularly that she should be doing more. She wants and enjoys the lifestyle but doesn't want to work for it.
My view isn't skewered by SAHP being a man.

You have done amazingly. Well done and good luck with everything. I do agree with pp that he may be depressed and lacking confidence but he needs to challenge himself and get support. You can't do it for him.

Is going back to his old hospital job an option? He could do two shifts a week and you could get childcare for one and do a sat/sun for the other and it would be a start and he could increase once your mat leave starts.

Don’t be too quick to believe he hasn’t thought of RP, CMS, UC and your pension as it will pay for the lazy lifestyle he loves. He feels no guilt or shame that he’s letting you down.
Tell him to get a job in the evening from 6 - 12 to match your effort and to pay for a cleaner, that you’re not prepared to continue like this, that you will take full maternity leave.
Don’t back down.
Take the rose tinted glasses off or you’ll face a lifetime of this. He’s not the good partner you see him as nor is he a team player.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.. I'm going to use that line when discussing his desire to buy a house despite not actively contributing to the household funds.

I'll be honest, I am very proud of myself for finding my voice, annoyed it took me so long but that's life. I definitely need to be clear that a line has been drawn and that things need to change.

I've had a long year. It has been a lot to cope with which has taken a lot of my focus, my grandad died in April, I got pregnant and then my adopted mum (F43 😭) had been battling cancer so I've been supporting her at every spare moment her until her passing on Dec 1st.

I think it's now that I'm having a chance to breath again and seeing that looming maternity leave where our income will be massively reduced that I'm angry again that he's still not looked at work and at how we can afford to live.

We looked at our budget months and months ago and I think he saw that we could technically survive on the maternity pay and that was enough for him. And I say technically because it would mean a very strict food budget, no "fun money" at all etc.

Again though, he has been a massive support to me this past year. He's very active with the pregnancy, constantly checking in on me with my adopted mum. Stepping up with the girls when I had to spend so much time at my adopted mum's house and never complained.

I just need him to stop being lazy.

I don't get it either! When I was sahm I was in charge of our finances because I'd be the one shopping, sorting bills while home, but when I went to work, I stayed in charge of the finances because he just never stepped up.

All of the money is in my account, including savings. Honestly I wouldn't feel comfortable with the situation if it were reversed but I guess he trusts that I'm on top of it (and I am) so he doesn't mind.

As you clearly do wish to stay with him OP, is there anything you think he would be interested in job wise ? (I’m way behind you as my LO is tiny, but similar age range - we both work, or for now he does as still on maternity leave myself but I’ll have to return, I’d actually possibly love not to have to (can’t know without walking a mile and all that), but it’s what most people do everyone does unless very rich / family deposit help or whatever isn’t it ?).

Is there anything he’d be interested in training in ? You mentioned no degree but where exactly did he stop ? If he likes gaming, my cousin did and went into IT stuff (which can especially at lower levels and especially these days be done remotely to some degree). He could do open university / an apprenticeship part time ? Would he be open to that do you think ? Some courses etc start in January, so might be a possibility to test. Otherwise I’m not that sure how you’ll ever know where he plans on going before you end up having to go back full time because bills will need to be paid… Other options in temp jobs are also a possibility but again depends on his qualifications, and how you’d make that work re childcare.

I’d definitely look into school work again though, it seems his pride may be a factor in all this, so he could keep the reason for school hours, then hopefully build up confidence, esp if he wants to get on the property ladder. Only you know him though (and dont have to actually answer), and I’m only sharing what comes to mind also…

Yes, gaming has definitely come up many times through our our relationship as an issue. It is much better than it used to be in terms of, he's not on between the school run and the girls going to bed and we regularly spend evenings together where before he would often game most evenings.

But it does still become an issue at times when new games come out, or he slips into old habits.

He does always come up with some reason why working doesn't make sense. Most of it comes down to child care but again, he hasn't looked at jobs that work around it at all. I do think that after my maternity leave I'll just need to make sure that childcare is taken care of so he has zero excuse.

I'm not sure, it's definitely something I'm going to be bringing up tomorrow. I've started making notes on what we will be discussing!

He's sleeping peacefully next to me right now. I look forward to the morning when I can get all of this out!

You are being really proactive OP, but you need to keep being blunt and to the point. I would tell him you will be going through a major physical ordeal in giving birth and you are taking maternity leave to bond with the child you birthed. Tell him you are then working part time and that is it. If he doesn’t want to sink- he gets work - end of. His history sadly paints him as a mooch, so he has to be told there are no options but work here.

He definitely doesn't seem to feel any guilt or shame over this. I think he thought I was going to back down over dropping to part time but I've already accepted that at work. I think today he may have been particularly annoyed today because he realised it was locked in.

It's definitely a good point that he could just get evening work as well. It's another thing I'll mention tomorrow.

Regardless of the type of work he gets and what hours, he's going to need to be earning.

I completely agree. I don't think I've been clear enough about wanting to spend time with the baby (not that I should really have to). I think when we found out I was pregnant, he probably assumed it would be his turn to be home with a baby without thinking about the fact I'd actually be wanting and needing this time for bonding before going back to work.

I'm going to have a very blunt conversation with him tomorrow about this. I think I've already made it clear I'm going down to part time but I will very much be reiterating the fact. I won't back down on this. I've already made the plans with work anyway.